Is it worth it to wait for a MM?

[beach]

What it means is, he's a great liar and actor. Of course she's not suspicious, why should she be? They spend time together as a family and a couple, they sleep in the same bed, have sex, he's given her no reason to mistrust him. He's probably very careful not to get caught. That is why she doesn't know.

 

And many times because they are cheating they treat their wife extra special at home... That way the wife won't leave...or get suspicious.

 

Your MM Dela has been more clear than most - he has stated he isn't changing a thing!

 

That means when you end it he will find another (new) OW as soon as you exit.

 

 

I'd hate being his wife.

[whichwayisup]

this seems to be the general opinion. my MM was complaining last week abt being sad because we will break up. i was like WTF. i dont see u doing anything abt it. u don t want me to wait for u, u don t want me to stay, u don t want me to go. what the **** u want? i really resent him very much lately for not doing anything abt us but just complaining that we will break up. i m even having evil thoughts abt doing something so the wife finds out about us. i don t know what i m feeling anymore

 

He's selfish! He's been used to having TWO women meet all his needs for the past 8 months. He will miss you but not in ways you think he'll miss you.

 

Don't do that.

[beach]

this seems to be the general opinion. my MM was complaining last week abt being sad because we will break up. i was like WTF. i dont see u doing anything abt it. u don t want me to wait for u, u don t want me to stay, u don t want me to go. what the **** u want? i really resent him very much lately for not doing anything abt us but just complaining that we will break up. i m even having evil thoughts abt doing something so the wife finds out about us. i don t know what i m feeling anymore

 

Just block him and move forward.

 

He's not worth any more wasted time. He's only about getting HIS needs met by several women.

[Dela]

So what is stopping you from totally ending it? Fear of pain? Fear of not having him in your life?

 

Don't let that prevent you from doing what you know has to happen... Ending it so you can grieve the loss, and heal. It'll be hard to do but it seems like you have a some good friends who will support you and help you through this.

 

 

what is stopping you from totally ending it? Fear of pain? Fear of not having him in your life?- very good questions...

 

1. i like to live my life with no regrets, so i guess i m thinking that i will regret if i leave him, because MAYBE something coulda woulda happen

 

2. i will miss him, i know this. narcissistic or not, he has been good to me.

 

3. fear of being without him, pain of never being with him for real.

 

4. fear of the times i know will come while i go thru all the after break up crap...

 

many things happened in this relationship. i posted my story few months ago...

i was pregnant, i had an abortion, he did t force me, he was there for me and took care of me. it was a ****ty situation... so i guess i m afraid not to fall into a dark place, although i ve never been letting myself get so low that i can t handle life...

 

i m just scared

[Got it]

8 month affair vs a 12 years together, 7 married, plus 2 kids. No way is going to give all that up and start over again with you.

Please, find the strength to end it now otherwise in 3 years you'll still be the OW waiting, hoping and wasting your life while he continues to live life with his wife and children.

 

I am not saying the OP should wait but the bolded is just bs. That equation doesn't compute and doesn't actually factor in. In that case no one would leave a marriage if we are just comparing "time in position".

 

I was married 8 years, together 15, vs an affair for 1 month. I left. For my husband, he was married 10 years, together 18 years vs affair for 1 year. He left.

 

Neither my stats or your stats amount to a hill of beans.

 

OP - my advice? He gave you his answer, listen to him. He said not to wait. So why would you wait? For myself, I didn't wait. When we broke up I walked. Now I gave a caveat that for right now I care for him, if he catches up and I still care, great we may be together. But if I am walking, that each day I may care less and less to a point that I never care so if he takes too long the bigger the fool is he and I won't want a relationship. So that was my "version" of waiting.

 

But he hasn't given a timeline, doesn't seem to have really indicated a timeline. So, walk. Show him what his life is like with a lovely little mistress in the wings and let him be a big boy and figure out his life. I promise you will be good. He was lucky to have you and if he is too big a fool to really appreciate it . . . well another man won't be.

 

But do what is best for you and if you are unhappy with things, listen to your gut. You can't control what he will or won't do, but you can control you.

 

Good luck.

[Quiet Storm]

You say he doesn't know what he wants- but he's telling you with his actions. You just have to pay attention.

 

Most MM have no desire to leave their marriages. It is not even a consideration in their mind. They just want an OW to supplement their marriage. In their minds, the marriage is nonnegotiable and constant. Their goal is not to replace their wife, but to have a wife + OW.

 

These guys know that an OW is only going to tolerate him being married for so long. They know that OW will get tired of it eventually. So their goal is to extend the affair for as long as possible, while keeping their marriage intact, knowing that it has an expiration date. It's like being on vacation- you want it to last, but eventually, you go home. So MM's begin an affair already knowing it's temporary, and that it will last until they get caught or for as long as OW allows it to.

 

He is complaining about breaking up because he doesn't want to lose you. It's not easy to find a woman to be an OW, and I'm sure he enjoys your company and maybe even loves you. But all of this doesn't change the fact that he's married, which again, is a nonnegotiable part of his life (in his mind).

 

He doesn't want you to wait because he knows he's never leaving and doesn't want to waste your life. However, if you keep engaging with him and participating in the affair, then he will assume you are OK with being the OW.

 

This is when some MM begin to devalue the OW, because the OW will say an affair is unacceptable, she'll threaten to end it, she'll cry... but when he stays married, she'll keep talking to him.

 

When MM is saying "Don't wait", he's acknowledging that he cannot give you what you need. He is being respectful of your desire to find a guy that can give you 100%.

 

And if you continue with him and keep waiting, it shows MM that you love him so much that you'll settle, and that you will accept less than what you really deserve in life.

 

Save yourself and your self respect. Just end it.

[HappyAgain2014]

oh no, i won t. his advice to my situation was : end it now!!! he told me not to start the conversation abt us anymore and not to presuure him into any decision. just to end it because he s not gonna do anything

 

This tells you everything. The kids and other excuses are a smokescreen covering his conflict avoiding personality. If you wait, he will not leave and he will lose respect for you for waiting. In fact, your mere presence in his life will be seen as pressure to him.

 

Most men who actually leave do so relatively quickly. If he's already telling you not to wait for him, he's not one of the few who leave.

 

Consider this... We fight for those we love. Being without them is not a choice yet this man is playing the suffering martyr telling you to leave.

 

Do what he says. If you don't, you'll become a shell of a person with no dignity. I doubt it would last too long but imagine giving up your opportunity to have children waiting on this man. Is he worth your youth?

 

Love isn't .... I wish, maybe someday, or if only. All are used by MM to excuse a lack of action on his part. He makes a decision every day he stays with his wife. It's time for you to make a decision versus waiting for an empty promise of someday.

[goodyblue]

I am one who ended up with my MM. It seems to me that if a MM tells you not to wait for him, he means it.

 

You are so young, please don't waste precious time with this guy.

[Poppy47]

NO it isn't worth even contemplating.

 

He wants it all doesn't he?

 

AND do not be impressed or worried or guilty if he feels 'CRUSHED'. That's just another example of MM' super inflated sense of self entitlement.

 

Poppy.

[MissBee]

Is it worth it to be in the relationship with a MM and wait for him to do something? Have someone had this conversation? Did u wait and he finally did something about his situation?

On our last conversation about us and about the fact that i want us tp break up because we have no future, i told him i would wait for him if he plans to do something in the future (1,2,3 years). I know it s stupid, but it s the only thing i can give him: TIME!

He said he doesn t want me to wait for him, but he s not sure and also that he doesn t want me to forget him. I m really confused. How should i have this conversation again?

I m starting to feel really bad being with him like this, i would wait for him if i d knew that at the end of that waiting i d be with him finally.

How should i approach this situation?

Thank u

 

His response says it all.

 

It's one thing if he asked you to wait and provided you with some concrete reasons why you should. However, when I see an OW suggesting doing the waiting and MM is ambivalent about it or says she shouldn't, but she still is twisting and turning to wait, it likely won't turn out well. From what he's said he has no current plans, not even a half-baked one, and it's mostly a case of I can't promise you anything but I like having you around and don't want you to move on even though I have nothing substantial to offer.

 

Unless you're just in a casual fling, I don't think waiting for anyone to "do something" is the way to go in any relationship. In dating single men I find out early on what they want and if it's compatible with what I want before I begin to invest my time and emotions in them and before I get too attached and can't see the forest for the trees and am so desperate to make it work that I'm there waiting for I don't know what. Things tend to work much better IME when you're on the same page and know what you're doing and where things are going. Same here. Relationships aren't a waiting game where if you wait long enough you'll receive your due reward. You have to ask for what you want and need, negotiate it and decide if the person can offer it and if they can't you move on. You can't just sit around waiting for him to mysteriously do something.

 

If he planned on doing anything he'd bring it up himself. He had the chance to take initiative when you brought it up and he didn't. That to me means that doing something isn't a priority of his and I don't think the OW should spearhead that project on his behalf. It's just like when OW want the BS to divorce MM or "do something" and I'm like why should she? If he's the one cheating and inlove with someone else shouldn't he be the one with the most impetus to make a decision? If he isn't making one that already says a lot. BS shouldn't hold his hand and lead him to the divorce attorney neither should OW. He needs to come to that desire on his own and act on it.

 

He isn't giving you anything to wait on. It seems you're asking him for a reason to wait and he can't even give you that so I'd keep it moving. If someday he decides to divorce he can always find you.

Edited July 15, 2015 by MissBee

[Dela]

thank u so much for your answers. i feel a little better.

we just texted until now, i told him i think it s better if we stop seeing eachother and try to communicate less and less(untili go totally NC)... well, he was sad but didn t try to stop me... we will meet probably the next days so he can get some things he has at my place and then that s it:( i m sure he didn t expect 100% that i will finally do it, but as u said, there s no point staying...

he s undecided or whatever, or the thing is, he really doesn t want me! i always thought if a man wants u, he does, no matter what.

now what?

[sandylee1]

this seems to be the general opinion. my MM was complaining last week abt being sad because we will break up. i was like WTF. i dont see u doing anything abt it. u don t want me to wait for u, u don t want me to stay, u don t want me to go. what the **** u want? i really resent him very much lately for not doing anything abt us but just complaining that we will break up. i m even having evil thoughts abt doing something so the wife finds out about us. i don t know what i m feeling anymore

 

What he really wants is for you to accept the position as being his girl on the side and not to mention him leaving his wife. That is not on his mind at all. Having two women to satisfy you is his little heaven on earth.

 

Has he told you he has a bad marriage?

That he doesn't love his wife ?

Are you his first affair?

 

Don't waste your time and get yourself an available guy who can become YOUR OWN Married Man - Once he's married YOU.

 

Surely your worth more than the bit of time he can squeeze out for you.

[Dela]

What he really wants is for you to accept the position as being his girl on the side and not to mention him leaving his wife. That is not on his mind at all. Having two women to satisfy you is his little heaven on earth.

 

Has he told you he has a bad marriage?

That he doesn't love his wife ?

Are you his first affair?

 

Don't waste your time and get yourself an available guy who can become YOUR OWN Married Man - Once he's married YOU.

 

Surely your worth more than the bit of time he can squeeze out for you.

 

yes, he told me all abt his marriage,that he would like to be with a different kind of woman other than his wife, that he only loves her like a mother of his kids but he can t separate because the kids will suffer.

i m sure i m his first affair, he was very nervous and shy when we met and some time after.

[HappyAgain2014]

there s no point staying...

he s undecided or whatever, or the thing is, he really doesn t want me! i always thought if a man wants u, he does, no matter what.

now what?

 

This isn't really about you. He's selfish and wants what you provide him ... Sex, ego stroking, and fun. In other words, an unrealistic relationship based on fantasy. If you were his wife, he'd be just as unsatisfied if you talked about realities like bills, illnesses, and fidelity. Those pesky realities wouldn't be more exciting with you.

 

You are right. A man who loves you will do anything to be with you. Selfish ones like your MM are overgrown boys trapped in a man's body who have excuses to cover their selfishness.

 

Find a real man who can and will offer you what you need and deserve. One day you'll realize you're fighting for a prize you don't really want to win.

[HappyAgain2014]

yes, he told me all abt his marriage,that he would like to be with a different kind of woman other than his wife, that he only loves her like a mother of his kids but he can t separate because the kids will suffer.

i m sure i m his first affair, he was very nervous and shy when we met and some time after.

 

My xMM said all the same things to me. He tried to tell me he needed to wait three years for his youngest to graduate from high school. I said no. Then he set a deadline. Didn't meet it. Affair over.

 

He's still married. I have no doubt I would have gotten another excuse if I had waited the three years. Cheaters are constantly in negotiation mode.

 

He gave you his best and final offer. Tell him to shove it.

[AnotherSadSong]

i have a friend who was married. i spoke to him today for some advice.

he left his wife (they didn t get along for some time at the time) and he s now with the girl he met while he was married. he separated from his wife 1 month after they met and he also has 2 kids who are now doing just fine!

he told me something very nice today. that he left his wife for his GF because he loved her and wanted to give her stability. so 8 months later he married her.

the kids spend time with her and everything is just fine. i guess it all works out when u know what u want.. my MM seems to not know....

 

Hi Dela, they leave quickly with exit affairs and there are many of those. They say he will leave within 6 months but most rush sooner. They found the one for them. Different situation.

 

 

I have nothing left but negative thoughts toward MM who cheat. The words MOOCHERS and LAZY came to mind today. They mooch off the OW and wife and they are too lazy to change lifestyles. As long as they can mooch off two women they will until they are caught. Then some actually have fear of losing the marriage and straighten up and others will take it underground with the same OW or find another.

 

 

Who wants a Moocher and a lazy man? I wouldn't think we would all place that in a dating profile. Hey I really want a moocher and a lazy guy who will cheat on me.

[beach]

Good for you!

 

Now, just mail his things. No need to see him again - he will want sex... You'll be sad...

 

And try going one whole day without responding to him... If he texts - just know it's him looking for attention.

Edited July 16, 2015 by beach

[RainDown]

I feel like such a broken record around here. Do not wait around for a man. Any man. Single or married. Live your life. Do your thing. A man will either keep up with you or he gets left in the dust. He makes a choice every single day about where he wants to be and every single day he goes home to his life - a life without you in it.

 

Waiting around for something different to happen is a waste of YOUR life.

[Cinnimon]

This one is easy..................NO

[FusionCutter]

You are basically asking if it is worth it to wait for a man who: lies, cheats, manipulates and is dishonest.

 

A person who has such qualities is not someone to be waiting for.

 

You should be waiting for no one. You owe this person nothing. You are your own person. You deserve a whole relationship. You don't deserve to be someone sidething. You owe it to yourself to be in a meaningful relationship that thrives by being in the light of things, not the dark.

 

Love yourself and don't waste your energy loving a man like this, no matter how charming he seems.

[jwi71]

now what?

 

Lets see...all alone in an emotionally charged atmosphere of leaving - yet neither party truly wants to - the whole star-crossed loves bit. I'm going to go with the following:

 

1) After he comes in, sullenly, to gather his things you thoughtfully failed to gather and pack...

2) conversation begins which quickly gets deep and emotional

3) and the ILY's start and the "we will be together soon's will follow soon after

4) followed by some INCREDIBLE horizontal tango

5) and the things you so carefully failed to pack stay where they are

6) and you both feel great

7) then he showers and leaves

8) and you feel like shyte and you are back to square one

9) and, with no small amount of chagrin, you post here something awful close to the above.

 

Why not just box up his crap, meet at public place, and hand him said box and walk away?

 

Just a thought.

[beach]

Any attempt to see him will likely result with sex - and you feeling much worse.

 

 

Pack his things! Have a friend drop it off to him without a word. If not, mail it!

 

No need to see him - it just makes the pain worse for you.

 

Keep thinking of YOUR needs - and how you can stay focused on that goal.

[still_an_Angel]

A relationship goes both ways, is he waiting for you? No

Why would you wait for him?

 

 

He told you not to wait.

You should also tell him to go - go home to his wife.

[elaine567]

i have a friend who was married. i spoke to him today for some advice.

he left his wife (they didn t get along for some time at the time) and he s now with the girl he met while he was married. he separated from his wife 1 month after they met and he also has 2 kids who are now doing just fine!

he told me something very nice today. that he left his wife for his GF because he loved her and wanted to give her stability. so 8 months later he married her.

the kids spend time with her and everything is just fine. i guess it all works out

 

This is the dream scenario for an OW, but here is I guess what usually happens when a MM leaves and it all works out for him and his OW.

Here the man was truly in love and he realised he couldn't live without the other women, so he jacks in his marriage ASAP and makes her his wife.

NO push and pull, no "don't wait for me", no future faking, no guilt and no crying about "if only.."

Decisive action that leads to something actually being done.

 

OP you are 26, you need a man who truly loves you, a man who will make you his world and a man who will take no nonsense decisive action to show you how much he cares for you.

Stop being a semen receptacle for this weak idiot.

Edited July 16, 2015 by elaine567

[casey.lives]

just play the best friend card,works like a charm. if anything that means you never have to walk away... and he will never be happy with her because you're in the picture. if you can't have him, why should she??!!! hehehhahahaha lol evil at it's finest!!! BFF for life!!!! things i learned along the way.... (sarcastic)