Is it worth it to wait for a MM?

[Dela]

Thanks so much for ur answers. U are wise people. I guess u ve a been where i am right now, so u know better.

It just feels so stupid to offer someone precious time from ur life and they to refuse it. I guess i feel rejected... Maybe he thinks i got so low that i would do anything just to be with him... Who knows?

I m just happy i didn t get to waste the next years for nothing.

How does it feel after break up?

[cocorico]

Is it worth it to be in the relationship with a MM and wait for him to do something?

 

I don't think anyone should ever wait for anyone in any R - whether it is a MM or not.

 

If your R as it is today is not giving you what you want, and being in the R is more negative to you than it is positive, you should leave. You cannot know what the future may hold so you should live your life as if this is all you have, and will have - and if you're not happy, then change it. You have only one life. Do not waste it waiting.

[beach]

Has he tried to communicate with you since you told him?

 

What's your plan when he does?

[Dela]

Has he tried to communicate with you since you told him?

 

What's your plan when he does?

 

No, he hasn t. I told him last night that we will meet the next days (i really hate breaking up thru text) , i will give him what he has and that s it...

I don t know how i m feeling, i ve been really busy today, didn t have much time to think abt it, but i know i m sad...

[Friskyone4u]

Don't even have to read the rest of the posts. Sure it is worth it to wait IF

(1) you want to sit there alone most of the time waiting for your hero to come over and have sex with you and leave

(2) to cut yourself off from any meaningful relationship with an eligible man that you might find happiness

(3) to spend Holidays sitting there about him enjoying his family

(4) to sit there while their family goes on vacations and you are alone moaping around

(5)and to eventually be caught by his wife and told abruptly he will not see or talk to you ano more.

 

if all of that sounds appealing to you, the it is absolutely worth it to wait.

[Dela]

Don't even have to read the rest of the posts. Sure it is worth it to wait IF

(1) you want to sit there alone most of the time waiting for your hero to come over and have sex with you and leave

(2) to cut yourself off from any meaningful relationship with an eligible man that you might find happiness

(3) to spend Holidays sitting there about him enjoying his family

(4) to sit there while their family goes on vacations and you are alone moaping around

(5)and to eventually be caught by his wife and told abruptly he will not see or talk to you ano more.

 

if all of that sounds appealing to you, the it is absolutely worth it to wait.

 

 

well, u re right.. i ve been feeling all this and more and i m thinking it s better if i end it than if he ends it... his wife doesn t know anything but i wish she had. i don t know why, but it s what i m feeling.

[lemondrop21]

We are in very similar situations. I'm 27. MM at first said he was leaving the wife and did this whole future faking song and dance. Then he said he couldn't leave for the sake of the kids. He has told me to do what's best for me, aka don't wait. He says he might be available in the future if his wife walks. So I'm the fallback option... classy, eh? Every girl's dream.

 

I know it's hard to just walk away. One idea is for you to go on a couple dates with other guys. If you sign up with an online dating site you could be going on a date tonight. You probably won't like it much because you'll be comparing the guy to MM. But at least you'll be putting yourself out there and remembering just a little bit what it feels like to be in the real world. It will also bother MM, although this shouldn't be your main priority. He has no right to say anything to you about it... he's married.

 

I went on a date with another guy last week, before MM and I started NC. It helped me detach a little from the whole affair situation even though I'm not sure I'll go on another date with that particular guy. Turns out it's really nice to be able to be out in public with someone who is interested in you!

[Dela]

We are in very similar situations. I'm 27. MM at first said he was leaving the wife and did this whole future faking song and dance. Then he said he couldn't leave for the sake of the kids. He has told me to do what's best for me, aka don't wait. He says he might be available in the future if his wife walks. So I'm the fallback option... classy, eh? Every girl's dream.

 

I know it's hard to just walk away. One idea is for you to go on a couple dates with other guys. If you sign up with an online dating site you could be going on a date tonight. You probably won't like it much because you'll be comparing the guy to MM. But at least you'll be putting yourself out there and remembering just a little bit what it feels like to be in the real world. It will also bother MM, although this shouldn't be your main priority. He has no right to say anything to you about it... he's married.

 

I went on a date with another guy last week, before MM and I started NC. It helped me detach a little from the whole affair situation even though I'm not sure I'll go on another date with that particular guy. Turns out it's really nice to be able to be out in public with someone who is interested in you!

 

are u still with the MM? what are u planning to do?

[Dela]

new update: he hasn t contacted me today... i feel kinda pissed off about it, since we didn t actually break up or fight or anything else. i simply told him that maybe it would be ok to communicate less, since we already talked about breaking up for few months now... i asked if he ws upset when i told him, he said no, he was never upset on me for anything, but that he is sad.

i told him that we will meet, because i m not breaking up with him via texts.

but i didn t hear from him in 2 days... what does that mean? and why am i feeling pissed off because of this?

[elaine567]

new update: he hasn t contacted me today... i feel kinda pissed off about it, since we didn t actually break up or fight or anything else. i simply told him that maybe it would be ok to communicate less, since we already talked about breaking up for few months now... i asked if he ws upset when i told him, he said no, he was never upset on me for anything, but that he is sad.

i told him that we will meet, because i m not breaking up with him via texts.

but i didn t hear from him in 2 days... what does that mean? and why am i feeling pissed off because of this?

 

Part of you wants him to beg and plead and say "Please don't go, I love you so much and we WILL be together - I am leaving my wife..."

 

The fact he just basically went OK and has now gone silent, is very upsetting and frustrating for you, as the great "love affair" you had written in your mind, is not real.

 

He is being practical, he knows he is not going to leave, he knows that you are to going to accept second best, so it is over, nothing more to say.

He may be sad, but he may also be a bit relieved too.

[Dela]

Part of you wants him to beg and plead and say "Please don't go, I love you so much and we WILL be together - I am leaving my wife..."

 

The fact he just basically went OK and has now gone silent, is very upsetting and frustrating for you, as the great "love affair" you had written in your mind, is not real.

 

He is being practical, he knows he is not going to leave, he knows that you are to going to accept second best, so it is over, nothing more to say.

He may be sad, but he may also be a bit relieved too.

 

 

hei elaine. thanks, u re right. but still, somehow i feel bad.. i didnt break up with him. i would never break up with someone via text message, married or not. i didn t tell him to not contact me anymore, or "i dont wanna see u anymore".

this was the conversation. before this conversation we were talking about our lost child

 

me: i was thinking today that maybe it would be ok if we communicate less

 

A: preparing to depart?

 

me: only one destination

 

A: u really want to put me totally in melancholy tonight. i will not say anything anyore because of this

 

me: no, i don t want to do that. i don t want to stay, i don t want to leave. i m just thinking of a good way, like there s a good way not to be with someone anymore...

 

A: stay as long as it s ok. think only of yourself

 

me: i don t want to make u sad, but i have no place here. things have been said, all cards are on the table. i even feel awful for telling u i will wait for u

 

A: it was a beautiful compliment from u, as usual, which i probably didn t deserve

 

me: so what do u think about what i said? not to communicate/see each other?

 

A: i agree, i guess. i dont know what to say. it s unexpected, i mean, maybe necessary, but i didn t expect u to tell me today

 

me:we will meet, i m not breaking up with u here. just that here is where we usually talk and i can t say it in another way

 

A: it s ok, i unerstand

 

me: are u mad at me?

 

A: no, i never was, i m not right now

 

me:ok. u dont say anything?

 

A: i dont know what to say. i m sad

 

then i asked why he is sad, he said it s not an easy question, that he can t answer me now, that are many things involved. then his wife came home i guess and he said gtg, kiss. i said kiss u, and that was it....

[HappyAgain2014]

hei elaine. thanks, u re right. but still, somehow i feel bad.. i didnt break up with him. i would never break up with someone via text message, married or not. i didn t tell him to not contact me anymore, or "i dont wanna see u anymore".

this was the conversation. before this conversation we were talking about our lost child

 

me: i was thinking today that maybe it would be ok if we communicate less

 

A: preparing to depart?

 

me: only one destination

 

A: u really want to put me totally in melancholy tonight. i will not say anything anyore because of this

 

me: no, i don t want to do that. i don t want to stay, i don t want to leave. i m just thinking of a good way, like there s a good way not to be with someone anymore...

 

A: stay as long as it s ok. think only of yourself

 

me: i don t want to make u sad, but i have no place here. things have been said, all cards are on the table. i even feel awful for telling u i will wait for u

 

A: it was a beautiful compliment from u, as usual, which i probably didn t deserve

 

me: so what do u think about what i said? not to communicate/see each other?

 

A: i agree, i guess. i dont know what to say. it s unexpected, i mean, maybe necessary, but i didn t expect u to tell me today

 

me:we will meet, i m not breaking up with u here. just that here is where we usually talk and i can t say it in another way

 

A: it s ok, i unerstand

 

me: are u mad at me?

 

A: no, i never was, i m not right now

 

me:ok. u dont say anything?

 

A: i dont know what to say. i m sad

 

then i asked why he is sad, he said it s not an easy question, that he can t answer me now, that are many things involved. then his wife came home i guess and he said gtg, kiss. i said kiss u, and that was it....

 

This is not the response of someone who loves you and will do anything to be with you. Honestly, you're both being very passive aggressive in your communication. You're testing him and begging for him to react. He's checking out and acting hurt.

 

You need to stop taking all of this personally and believing if you say or do the right thing he'll take actions to be with you.

 

It's not personal. He's just a selfish ass.

[Dela]

well, i think we already established that he won t do anything to be with me...

i m just trying to understand why he reacts like this, going totally silent on me.

is he trying to get to me? knowing that it makes me crazy? is he waiting fo me to come back and beg? i dont know... i didn t even left. we had conversations before about us breaking up and he knew we will. i was planning to break up after my graduation and exams, but then i went to a vacation and i came back this week. we only met once few days ago.

i feel very unconfortable...

[HappyAgain2014]

well, i think we already established that he won t do anything to be with me...

i m just trying to understand why he reacts like this, going totally silent on me.

is he trying to get to me? knowing that it makes me crazy? is he waiting fo me to come back and beg? i dont know... i didn t even left. we had conversations before about us breaking up and he knew we will. i was planning to break up after my graduation and exams, but then i went to a vacation and i came back this week. we only met once few days ago.

i feel very unconfortable...

 

You have enough information to know what you need to do. If you end it, this uncertainty will also end. He enjoys the attention. It's that simple. He also doesn't care that it's uncomfortable for you. At this point, it's toxic. Just end it.

[beach]

I the text- he looks emotionally stunted... Void of emotions.

 

I would expect that you want more from a man than what he's offering ( which is no emotion).

 

You've set him up for the breakup - he's not emotional about it. He's got his emotion at home.

 

It may be a better plan to just not communicate with him any further, don't see him and dump his things in the trash.

 

Then it's over and done.

[Dela]

I the text- he looks emotionally stunted... Void of emotions.

 

I would expect that you want more from a man than what he's offering ( which is no emotion).

 

You've set him up for the breakup - he's not emotional about it. He's got his emotion at home.

 

It may be a better plan to just not communicate with him any further, don't see him and dump his things in the trash.

 

Then it's over and done.

 

wow. i had an entire opinion about what s going on... u are making me look at this situation from another angle... i don t like this angle it s like he doesn t give a ***** about me... i m so confused right now

[Dela]

still nothing from him

[whichwayisup]

wow. i had an entire opinion about what s going on... u are making me look at this situation from another angle... i don t like this angle it s like he doesn t give a ***** about me... i m so confused right now

 

Sorry but he doesn't care. If he did, he wouldn't ignore you or shut you down, he'd listen to you and respect you.

 

Actions are louder than words. He is treating you poorly.

 

Don't be confused, be MAD! Mad enough that this will open your eyes and allow you to take a step back and really think objectively. If your friend, your sister was in your situation, what advice would you give them? Apply that to you.

[Dela]

Sorry but he doesn't care. If he did, he wouldn't ignore you or shut you down, he'd listen to you and respect you.

 

Actions are louder than words. He is treating you poorly.

 

Don't be confused, be MAD! Mad enough that this will open your eyes and allow you to take a step back and really think objectively. If your friend, your sister was in your situation, what advice would you give them? Apply that to you.

 

thanks he s not really ignoring me, i didnt text him or something. he is just SILENT after i told him we will break up (but didn t break up yet).

i m not going to text him, but i do feel so many things right now. i am confused and sad and angry and i don t know what this means. are we over? is he expecting me to say something? will he say something?

i don t like the way i fell right now, sad+crazy.. i need some help

[whichwayisup]

Why prolong your pain. Just end it. Tell him that you can't do this anymore and you are putting yourself first, respecting and loving yourself by ending it.

 

He is a big boy and will survive.

 

You need to surround yourself with good friends and family, maybe even plan a holiday, just to get away and clear your head.

 

Don't let fear of letting go prevent you from ending your A. The pain is final and you'll be grieving, and it's different than the day to day angst you feel now.

[HappyAgain2014]

thanks he s not really ignoring me, i didnt text him or something. he is just SILENT after i told him we will break up (but didn t break up yet).

i m not going to text him, but i do feel so many things right now. i am confused and sad and angry and i don t know what this means. are we over? is he expecting me to say something? will he say something?

i don t like the way i fell right now, sad+crazy.. i need some help

 

Right now you're acting powerless. You told him you're probably going to end it, expecting him to bolt into action. He won't end it or make a move to end his marriage. There's your answer. You just don't like it. I'm not trying to be mean, it's just the truth.

 

The mistake you're making is not exercising your choice to stop the crazy train.

 

To answer your question, he is expecting you to say something. Silence by a MM is very powerful. He knows you're twisting in the wind. He knows you'll be back so he doesn't have to do anything.

 

The most important thing to note here is this is how he deals with conflict. He shuts down and avoids it. No matter how much MM like to manipulate it to say ... Boo hoo, you're not supporting me..... It's really ....damn, I don't like my OW acting like a wife with expectations.

[Dela]

Why prolong your pain. Just end it. Tell him that you can't do this anymore and you are putting yourself first, respecting and loving yourself by ending it.

 

He is a big boy and will survive.

 

You need to surround yourself with good friends and family, maybe even plan a holiday, just to get away and clear your head.

 

Don't let fear of letting go prevent you from ending your A. The pain is final and you'll be grieving, and it's different than the day to day angst you feel now.

 

thanks for your kind words. i know you re right.i ve been in agony for so long, but i guess that now, when it s actually happening, the reality of it just hurts too much.

and yes, as someone said to me earlier today, i would like for him to "beg" and do something other than letting me go, or just talk to me, ask me how i am, since we didn t actually break up yet.

that s why his total silence is very confusing to me.

[Dela]

Right now you're acting powerless. You told him you're probably going to end it, expecting him to bolt into action. He won't end it or make a move to end his marriage. There's your answer. You just don't like it. I'm not trying to be mean, it's just the truth.

 

The mistake you're making is not exercising your choice to stop the crazy train.

 

To answer your question, he is expecting you to say something. Silence by a MM is very powerful. He knows you're twisting in the wind. He knows you'll be back so he doesn't have to do anything.

 

The most important thing to note here is this is how he deals with conflict. He shuts down and avoids it. No matter how much MM like to manipulate it to say ... Boo hoo, you're not supporting me..... It's really ....damn, I don't like my OW acting like a wife with expectations.

 

 

 

yes, he very much avoids conflicts. he didn t do it so much with me, but he has told me many times that when he has/had conflicts at home, he doesnt do much to fix them.

but to be honest, everytime we had something to fix he was active and we discussed a lot of issues we had (i am pro communication and he knows it)

but yes, he mostly avoids conflicts.

don t worry, u are not being mean. i appreciate people who tell me how things are right in my face.

if he s being silent to get power over me, than good for him. i m not going to text to give him this pleasure. i might go nuts for a couple of days but i know this pain will fade. the first days/weeks are the hardest

[HappyAgain2014]

thanks for your kind words. i know you re right.i ve been in agony for so long, but i guess that now, when it s actually happening, the reality of it just hurts too much.

and yes, as someone said to me earlier today, i would like for him to "beg" and do something other than letting me go, or just talk to me, ask me how i am, since we didn t actually break up yet.

that s why his total silence is very confusing to me.

 

Here's his thought process....

 

She wants me to leave my wife so here are my options...

 

1. Do absolutely nothing and get her back in line by avoiding any pesky discussions about things other than how wonderful I am.

 

2. Act like a man by telling my wife the truth, splitting at least half my assets, ruining my reputation, and facing being the "bad guy."

 

It's not a hard decision for him at all.

[Dela]

Here's his thought process....

 

She wants me to leave my wife so here are my options...

 

1. Do absolutely nothing and get her back in line by avoiding any pesky discussions about things other than how wonderful I am.

 

2. Act like a man by telling my wife the truth, splitting at least half my assets, ruining my reputation, and facing being the "bad guy."

 

It's not a hard decision for him at all.

 

very true. the thing is, i only started to think abt him leaving his wife when, guess what, he said he will leave his wife few months ago. it s not like it was my idea. i was pregnant with him and didn t ask him to leave his wife. he told me he will!!!

and then one day he told me he isn t going to do it because HE THINKS the kids will suffer. he thinks.