Does getting a BJ in Vegas merit leaving your husband???

[lostintranslation]

I need some perspective...

 

I've been married for 1.5 years and recently, I've had feelings of restlessness and doubt. During a weekend out with friends I met a new guy who really caught my interest. We ended up hanging out and kissed. In my guilt and insecurity over what this meant to our marriage, i confessed to my husband. He freaked out but then later said that he couldn't judge me because then he would be a hypocrite. I didn't understand... I know this is going to sound completely naive, but anyone who knows my husband, would never in a MILLION years believe he would ever be unfaithful. He's always the designated driver, the super mature one...the guy who foots the bill.

 

Then he confessed that during his bachelor party his friends bought him a VIP room, where the stripper not only gave him a lap dance but a blow job!!! Of course I freaked out, but a part of me said..."Ok, calm down. It was his bachelor party." Not that it's ok, but I've heard of such things happening before. But then, I pressed him to tell me if it's happened ever again. He swore to me that it did not...but i had this awful feelig in the pit of my stomach. I kept pressing until in a broken moment, he confessed that Yes, it did happen again. In Vegas. During a business trip, a partner hired several strippers to come back to his suite and threw around a ton of cash. One by one, the men were led off to separate rooms. He went with his stripper and got ANOTHER blow job. I just can't believe...AFTER our marriage, he did this to me. And the worst part, is that he NEVER told me...never even let on - he just lied to me. If I hadn't confessed about my infidelity, he would never have told me.

 

And now, here I am..wondering if what I did was equally wrong. Is an infidelity an infidelity regardless of it's degree? Do I leave a man who loves me and whom I love because of this...or do I forgive him? Do all men do this in Vegas strip clubs? How can you love someone, and I know he loves me, and still do this to them? Is getting a blow job from a stripper in Vegas cheating??? I know this answer is yes, but part of me wonders if maybe it's not as bad, because there are no emotions. I just don't know. When do you know when something is bad enough to end a marriage???

 

Please someone write back and tell me something from their experience about this.

[melina]

HI

 

So sad! I am sorry to hear!

 

I have been cheated on before by my former boyfriend. It was also just a blow job and we lived in different countries. It happened at the beginning of our relationship, we moved in together later and he confessed. He was the love of my life but I can CLEARLY say, that I could have as well just stopped the relationship the moment he told me.

 

We stayed together for another three years and the relationship was doomed. FACT: you CANNOT ever get over it! I couldn't! It will keep eating you and destroy any romance that might come up between you.

 

If my current boyfriend told me he was unfaithful I would just leave. Not because I would want to punish him, or out of principles but because I could never feel the way about him that I do now.

 

And there is the trust issue. Just think how restless you will be on his next business trip!! Do you really want to go through that?

 

I would love to advise you to work it out, but in my case: whatever my boyfriend would have done to make up for it I couldn't heal!

[Guest]

I have a male friend who is into prostitutes and in my experience, it's something that will never quit.

He cheats (not just oral) because he gets a thrill out of doing something forbidden and is punishing his wife (I won't get into it).

 

I agree it is a trust thing... that's once during marriage. Your oral's probably fine and plentiful (it doesn't sound like that's the problem) so perhaps, like my friend, this is a "thrill of doing it behind the wife's back" thing?

 

I don't think the acts, a blow job or a kiss, are the big concerns. The fact that he apparently feels so free and uninhibited (and apparently buys that whole silly "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" thing) is a big, big problem and probably always will be. You apparently got caught up in your own moment as well (though stopped short). Perhaps you two might do well to see a therapist not about what is or isn't cheating (kisses, bjs) but about why you both feel that it's okay to start down the "if it feels good try it" path.

[HotCaliGirl]

Excuse me, but these are only two instances of infidelity that you KNOW of! I bet there are a dozen others that you don't...plus what if he also had intercourse? You had to force him to confess, and if he told you THAT much, imagine how much he hasn't told you that he would think would "really" upset you!

Originally posted by lostintranslation

Do all men do this in Vegas strip clubs?

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! only the scums who cheat on their wives.

How can you love someone, and I know he loves me, and still do this to them?

There are different degress of "love". I can't imagine anyone 100% in love with their lover EVER getting a blow job from a stranger - ewwww...

Is getting a blow job from a stripper in Vegas cheating???

Hello? I think somebody is in denial...

I know this answer is yes, but part of me wonders if maybe it's not as bad, because there are no emotions. I just don't know.

So your definition of cheating is only if it involves emotions? (you're not in his head to know if any were involved, but let's just assume there weren't any). So technically he could have as much sex as he wants with strangers, one night stands, since no emotions will be involved...? that doesn't make sense.

When do you know when something is bad enough to end a marriage???

I know it is hard to leave someone you love, but if this isn't cause enough, I really don't know what is...I would be pushing him away whenever he'd try to touch me. But everyone is different.

 

Your infidelity is also wrong. Sticking your genitals in someone's mouth is different than putting your lips together, so if he had only kissed another girl then you could work things out and talk about it but when it is of a sexual nature, things become less forgiving and more difficult to forget.

 

There might be more issues than you are stating. I can't comprehend how you could kiss another man if you were in love with your husband. I can't comprehend how your husband can get sexual favors from a stranger if he truly loves you...

 

Are you going to trust him when he goes on his next business trip? I wouldn't! Once a cheater, almost always a cheater...

[sylviaguardian]

Lord only knows that I am not pro-infidelity, but I kind of think that the replies to this post are not that helpful. Your H admitted something to you that he had no need to admit. In my book that counts for a lot. He could have just carried on being a hypocrite and not said a word. You would never have known.

 

Now that he has confessed and you have confessed you are in a much better position to have an honest marriage. I do happen to think that getting a BJ is worse than kissing someone, however I think part of the problem here is the people that your H hangs around with. Sounds like for them, infidelity is just part of the fun. I am not excusing your H's behaviour but being around people who think like that can sometimes 'normalise' infidelity. he needs to get some new friends.

 

The fact that you kissed someone too tells that all is not well. It seems that neither of you have very strong boundaries and maybe it's time to do some work on that.

 

Sylvia

[cranium]

I'm with Syl,

 

You are still early in your marriage. I agree it would do you both good to get into Marriage Counseling (MC) to develop effective communication styles and establish boundaries. You now have an opportunity to have an open and honest relationship if that is what you want.

[whichwayisup]

I'm with Syl on this one too.

 

I've been married for 1.5 years and recently, I've had feelings of restlessness and doubt. During a weekend out with friends I met a new guy who really caught my interest. We ended up hanging out and kissed. In my guilt and insecurity over what this meant to our marriage, i confessed to my husband.

 

The feelings of restlessness and doubt you had, what started that feeling? Do you and your husband have a loving, honest relationship, can you communicate and compromise? Maybe call it gut instinct, but deep inside you may have known something wasn't right in the marriage because of those feelings of restlessness/doubt.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right, but as of now - All of it is out in the open and hopefully you both can work together, find out what it is that is missing from the marriage. Go to marriage councilling.

 

Do you love him enough to try to work through this? Does he love you enough? I hope so.

 

He needs to stay away from Strip joints. He's proven that he gets carried away and can't control himself. Scary.

 

And (i'm not bashing you at all...) it's okay to see a cute guy...Just leave it as that...Some cute guy. Don't act upon it.

 

It's going to take alot of work for both of you. Hang in there.

[Pocky]

I wouldn't divorce my husband over a BJ.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by Pocky

I wouldn't divorce my husband over a BJ.

 

I would.

[wanting to heal]

Try to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

You have to trust what he said, and it was obviously hurting him. It will hurt you. My wife had a one night stand, but it was not cause to end our marriage. I thought about it, but you have to be able to forgive a mistake. I never thought my wife would cheat, it just floored me. It was out of character. That being said, she knows that I cannot take the deceit or hurt again.

 

YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT THIS IS THE TRUTH, AND THIS IS ALL. If you trust that it is, then accept it or it will eat you up. Has he told you all? Why does he feel it happened? How can he assure you it will not happen again? Hell with that, how can he assure himself that it will not happen again?

 

Remove the doubt, get it all in the open. Tell him that you would rather not be with him than have to wonder about him.

 

This is not a minor issue, a blowjob is sex. Ask Clinton.

[wanting to heal]

You and your husband need to read HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS. Your tryst was the beginning of something, realize that.

 

Discuss the book chapter by chapter, and with your Counselor.

[StillHurtin]

I am also w/ Sly, WWISU, and cranium. My H actully did have an A, emotional, and physical, during our separation. Even though it was the hardest thing to go through I loved him enough to take him back and try working on our M.

I suggest you go to MC and he stays way from strippers! I am sorry you are going through this. And yes, BJ's are cheating. And you were wrong for kissing him. I still look at cute guys, but that's it. I am married, not dead.

[Athena]

How about telling him "Third strike and you're out!"?

 

Let him know exactly what your bounderies are... what you will and will not accept. In the future, should he choose to get sexual with a stranger, he will know the 'cost' or the consequence of his actions. You said he is the responsible one, so I am sure he will be able to take your words seriously.

 

You've got some serious issues to iron out, as others have pointed out here -- you both have done wrong... granted, at least you let him know right away! (you were not deceitful, nor lying to cover up... so good for you for being honest). However, in my opinion, the first seven years of marriage are the Honeymoon period, and if you are having issues so soon, you should try to find out why.

 

good luck

[Blahblah]

You're both cheaters so you both have a lot in common, thats a great foundation for a lasting marriage!

[New_Wife]

I think one thing to keep in mind is that both you and he can bring home more than flowers after something like this.

 

Herpes can be transmitted through oral-genital contact. As can clahmidia (how the heck to you spell that?) and (I think) a few others. If it went further, anything's game.

 

A lot of STD's show no outward signs on either of you until you either (a) try to have a child someday and can't, or (b) show up with cervical cancer, or © bump a positive HIV test.

 

Just another morsel of food for thought.

[rebecki7]

I personally think you kissing someone else is worse than your husband getting a BJ. You kissing someone was after talking to them, getting to know them...your husband's BJ was from a stripper. There was much more emotion in yours--and that is how you described an affair.

 

I also would not leave my husband for getting a BJ, by a stipper, at his bachelor party.

 

Although I do believe there is something wrong between the two of you if he got a second one on a business trip, and you kissed someone. Maybe sexually things aren't going so well with you?

 

Hopefully both of you are able to work things out and get past this...

[RecordProducer]

The whole definition of marriage fidelity is very simple:

 

YOU AGREE TO NOT KISS, GIVE OR GET ORAL SEX, AND HAVE INTERCOURSE WITH ANYONE BESIDE YOUR SPOUSE!

 

And you stick to it. And when you're tempted, you resist the temptation, because you don't get yourself into situations where temptations arise. You don't get drunk when you go out with friends, you don't stay alone with a person you're attracted to, you don't flirt with anyone, you don't go to Vegas with your guy friends, etc.

 

The guys obviously went to Vegas to have fun and I'm pretty sure that the prostitutes were mentioned before they left. If I were you I wouldn't believe him anything he says given that he didn't want to admit that it happened AFTER your wedding. You've only been married for 1.5 years, for god sake. Here on LS we have examples of guys who have been married for two decades and never ever cheated on their wives. You don't sound like you're in love with each other and like you're going to be faithful to each other in the future.

 

Your husband's actions show that it's normal behavior for him to sleep around. Doing it without emotions is actually much worse, because people are weak before their emotions. But when you do ugly things for no reason then you're a really bad person.

[MySugaree]

If you wish to exit your marriage, then do so. But don't use a Vegas stripper BJ as the excuse. There are affairs, and then there are AFFAIRS. Men like BJ's--especially in Vegas that playground for the Id. If your husband has a marriage-wrecking love affair with another woman, that's when it's time to go. But even some marriages survive those home wrecking relationships. But a BJ from a stripper in Vegas? Please.

 

Personally, I'd be much more concerned over your kissing--with the emotional intimacy that it implies--than a mere BJ. But everyone is different about what they would consider tolerable marital misbehavior. I suspect you want out of your marriage, and the Vegas BJ is your ticket.

 

Good luck.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by MySugaree

If you wish to exit your marriage, then do so. But don't use a Vegas stripper BJ as the excuse. There are affairs, and then there are AFFAIRS. Men like BJ's--especially in Vegas that playground for the Id. If your husband has a marriage-wrecking love affair with another woman, that's when it's time to go. But even some marriages survive those home wrecking relationships. But a BJ from a stripper in Vegas? Please.

 

Personally, I'd be much more concerned over your kissing--with the emotional intimacy that it implies--than a mere BJ. But everyone is different about what they would consider tolerable marital misbehavior. I suspect you want out of your marriage, and the Vegas BJ is your ticket.

 

[MySugaree]

RP, was it something I said?

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by MySugaree

RP, was it something I said?

 

How would you feel if your SO got the lick job from another guy... let's say a stripper?

[MySugaree]

Well, I'm between SO's at this time, but I would not be happy. On the other hand, if my SO had an emotional affair, even without sex but with sexual attraction, I'd be much more devastated. I know that to some all infidelities are created equal--all, regardless of degree or circumstance, transgress certain boundaries and sometimes cause irreparable breach of trust. Not all of us feel that way, however. You're a sharp woman, rp, and I don't need to tell you that falling in love with a non-spouse, even when unconsummated, can potentially cause more harm to a marriage than a drunken weekend bj with a stripper with one's pals in Vegas. I'm not excusing hubby's misbehavior: I'm trying to place it in context.

 

Like porn, this type of behavior would be a deal breaker for some spouses, not so for others. There's no right answer--only how much bad boy behavior is tolerable before the marriage goes kaput.

 

I suspect that this poster is restless, disappointed in her spouse's behavior and wishes for an early exit. I could be wrong. Wouldn't be the first time.

[CurlyIam]

Well, The second paragraph of My Sugaree did touch some pretty sensitive points. The fact that you let yourself be attracted to another man means that the spark is indeed about to die.

 

But he started your marriage with a BJ. He didn't wait 20, your arse isn't as big as a house, your body isn't mutilated by multiple births. What do you reckon it will happen then? When you'll stop being attractive? Or young?

 

 

Women do get in affairs when they are emotionally neglected. Maybe your hubby is away on his business trip too long and he neglects the newly wife? Only you know the answer.

 

I wish I could say "find a way to forgive him". I don't think it's possible, because he simply doesn't cherish your marriage enough. what about his business partners? Do they cherish their wives? Do they respect their wives? How do you think they think of you?

 

One other thing about infidelity: there are 2 ways: 1. he tells you when the affair is over

2. he doesn't tell you when it's over and dumps you for the OW.

 

Most married men don't have the guts to leave even when they keep another womaw waiting. There's nothing extraordinary about your hubby talking. They all do. They're unable to make a choice for themselves. That's why they're telling you. So that you have to deal with it. So that you have to decide.

 

the worst thing is ... if you take him back, what wil this teach him? Won't he take it like a green light for other sexual affairs? Why not?

 

 

Originally posted by MySugaree

If you wish to exit your marriage, then do so. But don't use a Vegas stripper BJ as the excuse. There are affairs, and then there are AFFAIRS. Men like BJ's--especially in Vegas that playground for the Id. If your husband has a marriage-wrecking love affair with another woman, that's when it's time to go. But even some marriages survive those home wrecking relationships. But a BJ from a stripper in Vegas? Please.

 

She isn't leaving him because of her. she's leaving him because of what he did, because he let her suck his c*ck!

 

 

And girl: this is exactly the type of argument you'll hear over and over again "Darling, we're not gonna separate just because of a Thai Wh*re! You know the type, they'll take anything with a d*ck and suck it up". Over and over again...

 

He's done it once and didn't get caight.

He's got it twice, confessed and nothing happened to him.

Why won't he do it the third time?

[MySugaree]

I was just playing devil's advocate, here. I'm having an "alphamale" day.

[CurlyIam]

I know you are . I really wish you were right about them, too .