adna89 Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 My mother in law lives with us,she is a control freak and wants to be the one to decide.She also wants to be part of every decision and will say stuff like "you do not need that,why waste money for nothing" and she is aggressive over it.My husband is a calm guy and i can see she is the opposite of it.She also complained to her son about me,she never said a thing to me,but she said to him how i wont do much around in home(cleaning and stuff)..and then my husband got mad at me,i am not angry at her but him.what should he do in this situation? i realize i am a new wife and can not demand to be part of everything as if i am around 30 years,but she is really a dominant woman .how can i deal with her? moving is not an option right now but will be,i need solutions for now Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 My mother in law lives with us,she is a control freak and wants to be the one to decide.She also wants to be part of every decision and will say stuff like "you do not need that,why waste money for nothing" and she is aggressive over it.My husband is a calm guy and i can see she is the opposite of it.She also complained to her son about me,she never said a thing to me,but she said to him how i wont do much around in home(cleaning and stuff)..and then my husband got mad at me,i am not angry at her but him.what should he do in this situation? i realize i am a new wife and can not demand to be part of everything as if i am around 30 years,but she is really a dominant woman .how can i deal with her? moving is not an option right now but will be,i need solutions for now As long as she lives with you , she will interfere. Didn't you know this before you got married? I know many people from some Asian cultures live with the inlaws? Does this apply to you? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 If this helps (and my MIL tries to control, too), try these: 1) Practice "Mom Judo" when she goes to a "no-go" confrontational area, distract her. Talk about something she likes to talk about or something you have a common interest in. Don't engage in the debate. That's what controlling folks like to do. If you get them back on neutral ground, they tend to respond fine. 2) Engage her in decisions that you'd like her opinion on. Sometimes we have the reaction that, "If I give an inch, she'll take a mile." It's often not the case. By practicing Mom Judo on one side and engaging on the other side, you're setting boundaries. That's all and it's appropriate to set boundaries with every single person in your life. (Doesn't apply to cats. My cat does not understand boundaries.) 3) Use humor. The more you can laugh and build a rapport, the more easily the time will pass until you're free of her daily influence. 4) Respect that it is her house. Unfortunately, them's the rules. You're living with her. There are some domains that belong to her. 5) Save money, budget and prepare for a life on your own. If you're not working, get a job and get daycare if you have to. If you are working, create a budget where you can save more to afford an independent lifestyle. Good luck. Remember that you did marry a family when you married your spouse and in the end, having good relationships with as many as you can makes life easier and happier for everyone. GG 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 This will not improve if your husband doesn't support you. My XH backed up his mother and made excuses for her passive aggressive behavior. I used to say he was only her son, not my husband, when she was around. Huge part of my divorce. I screened out mama's boys after that. Total deal breaker. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 So does she live with you guys, or do you live with her? You say she "lives with us" but at the end you say that you will eventually move (out of her house?). If she lives with you guys, it's time to have a nice, loooong talk with Mama's Boy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 This will not improve if your husband doesn't support you. My XH backed up his mother and made excuses for her passive aggressive behavior. I used to say he was only her son, not my husband, when she was around. Agree with this. Your problem isn't "Dominant mother in law", it's "weak husband". As your spouse, should be up to him to establish boundaries... Mr. Lucky 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adna89 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 My husband does support me ,but he wont start arguing if She insists on something Then he just says just leave it at that to me,and i feel like She won Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 you're not his girlfriend.. you're his wife. you're a legitimate family member.. he has made you a respectable woman and therefore you can respectfully address her woman to woman about the dynamic of your marriage and how she is trespassing on marital grounds. That'S ONE the advantages of marriage. It takes a woman to stand up to another woman, sometimes. GOOD LUCK Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 My husband does support me ,but he wont start arguing if She insists on something Then he just says just leave it at that to me,and i feel like She won That's not support. In fact, being told, "Leave it at that" minimizes your feelings and is bossy. She is winning because he tolerates his mother's behavior AND encourages her to continue it by not presenting a united front with you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 The OP didn't answer the question as to whether good old mom lives with them, or her husband at 30 years old still lives in his mother's house and she married this guy and moved IN to this childish situation. So which is it, OP? I'm guessing it's the latter. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
OMC Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Reading is fundamental- OP posted this in post 1 'My mother in law lives with us,' The first 7 words of the post answer the repeating question in this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Reading is fundamental- OP posted this in post 1 'My mother in law lives with us,' The first 7 words of the post answer the repeating question in this thread. She may have misspoken, meaning they all live together. Otherwise, there is no need for them to move out of their own house to get away from the MIL. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I would speak with your MIL directly. You have the issue with her and the way she participates. She has same issue with you. Leave your H out of it - he's been put in the middle. Come to a new agreement with your MIL. One that expresses your boundary and what's expected of her. If she doesn't change then talk with your H about having her move elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Why do women get involved with guys who are obviously mamma's boys, yet are surprised when they keep being a mamma's boy? Is a relationship or marriage supposed to magically change a lifetime mamma's boy to one who's independent? Seems very illogical to me. I thought most women actually want a mamma's boy. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 The OP didn't answer the question as to whether good old mom lives with them, or her husband at 30 years old still lives in his mother's house and she married this guy and moved IN to this childish situation. So which is it, OP? I'm guessing it's the latter. And I'm also guessing there are some cultural issues involved that limit both their residential options and the OP's ability to fully express how she feels... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 It's not your husbands job to speak for you... That only complicated it and puts him in the middle. Speak up - directly to her. Say how you feel. Is it your house or did you move in with your new husband? It may be useful to suggest she move immediately if she can't mind her own business. Link to post Share on other sites
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