Husband is a serial cheater. Help!

[flowergirl14]

I originally found out about my husbands affair after it was long over. One night I picked up his phone( not sure why..maybe I was meant to see it)and their was a message from some chick on fb flirting and that led me to see the other fb messages and deduct that yes there had been an affair. I was absolutely devestated. He gas lighted and minimized the affair. I went to ic and we went to 2 different mc's. This last mc experience was a waste of time because of my h who wouldnt give me the straight truth and the counselor who believed him when he said there was only one affair.

 

When I was trying to get to the bottom of things I saw where he was trolling craigslist personals.No one including me would Never have guessed he would cheat. In the meantime, in the last 2 years since dday my h seemed to have done a complete turn around. He got busy being a good dad and a loving supportive husband. He became "transparent" with everything. Except of course his past. I rode the fence. Hoping he was a better husband who realized what a sh**t storm he created. One side of me keeping my radar up. Sure enough he is most likely cheating again. I would say its an office type f**k partner. I have confronted him and he said I have nothing to worry about. Many many times I have said to him if you want out and cant be faithful tell me. We will end it. Sometimes his responses were of course I want to be here and other times he would say things like "well Im here, arent I?" Like it was forced. I am the one who would have financial hardship. He could leave. He just spent the weekend wining and dining me for my birthday.

 

Why does he bother? Why do I? I need some tough frank advice. I have stayed thinking I can endure this sh**t. I am a sthm and my kids are happy and except for his cheating i am too. I feel like this is my new normal. It doesnt feel right and yet it doesnt feel entirely wrong. I feel like I need my butt kicked for thinking this way. Btw I didnt find LS until a year after dday. I think had I got some advice in the beginning like Dont rug sweep, I would have resolved this a long time ago. I know who he is and yet Im still here. I need to find some resolve to get out. We have been married 22 yrs 3 kids.

Edited July 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Furious]

My heart goes out to you. The hurt and strain you're going through comes out in your words.

 

Only you can decide when you've had enough. You need to empower yourself, you need to seek legal advice as to where you stand if you decide to divorce. I also think you should get individual counselling with a reputable therapist who specializes in infidelity and with whom you click with. Finding the right therapist for you is hugely important.

 

Take things one step at a time, get your emotional well being in order as well as your finances in order. I suggest you do this without letting on to your husband, this is about you now.

 

Give yourself the tools and the resources to help you decide when enough is enough.

Edited July 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Mr. Lucky]

Sometimes his responses were of course I want to be here and other times he would say things like "well Im here, arent I?" Like it was forced. I am the one who would have financial hardship. He could leave.

 

flowergirl14, why would he leave when he's got the best of both worlds? You're there to hold down the home front and cement his social standing as a solid family man and he's got his adventures on the side. I'd guess he'll stay as long as you'll let him.

 

Don't say this to beat you up, merely pointing out the dynamic - any change will have to come from you. Many WS interpret forgiveness as permission to do it again and your H clearly falls into this camp.

 

Balls in your court...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Arieswoman]

flowergirl14,

I am sorry you are hurting like this.

 

I wish I could say something positive but I can't.

 

As other posters have said, as long as you allow someone to have their cake and eat it they will continue to do so. You can't "nice" someone out of being a cheater, you just can't.

 

You can't change his behaviour, only your own.

 

My suggestion would be to get legal advice and see where you stand financially in the event of a divorce.

 

You say;-

 

I am a sthm and my kids are happy and except for his cheating i am too.

 

But he's not going to stop that, is he? He's proved that. And what about STDs ? Are you willing to stay with a man who is putting your health at risk as well as his own?

 

Your choice. Sorry x

[i am gutted]

honestly feel for you........

 

 

I wanted to believe mine as well when he said it was only the once.

 

 

I was a sucker and walkover, he knew how to keep me believing him.

 

 

please take the other posters advice - do find out what you are entitled to and start thinking of yourself more.

 

 

a lot of great members on this site have given me plenty to read and that has helped me immensely - I go back over old posts and re read them.

 

 

am sorry you are in this position too and I know its very tough time......take care....

[BetrayedH]

Go into full-on investigative mode. Find proof of the recent affair you suspect. Stop confronting, asking, etc. and just play stupid and compliant. Don't even confront him if/when you know about the affair. Let your service of divorce papers do the talking and don't send those until you fully have your ducks in a row.

[flowergirl14]

He seems to be one step ahead of me in the investigative part. He went from sending text messages to ow which i tried to track but I must have crappy software to now using game app messaging. He knows I'm onto him. Honestly, im done playing p.i. I fully intend to work after the kids go back to school. Then I can save up some money. However, Im sure things with the ow will ramp up the more free time he has. That really sucks KNOWING someone is f**cking someone behind your backbwhile your at work. In hindsight..I would have left after my initial findings and his refusal to be honest and his willingness to lie and cheat. Obviously, I didnt and here I am. Ironically, there was a ic who told me in our first session. Get your ducks in a row and leave. I was appalled that a counselor would tell me this..gasp..in the first session. Frankly, I didnt want to hear it and I was pro reconcillation. THANKS for any and all advice. I read and post here all the time.

[Confused48]

I concur with BH on the issue of not confronting your WS anymore. There is no point in confronting him. I know the temptation to do that comes from wanting them to change their behavior. And they will indeed change their behavior but mostly in that they will get better at hiding it.

 

So keep the knowledge to yourself. It is good to know what he is up to even if it isn't to build a case for divorce right away. It does no good to let them know that you know.

[No Limit]

The rats leave the sinking ship quite fast eh? Yeah, I think your first councelor was spot on. Play nice until you're ready to leave (although I'd avoid having sex with him anyway, STDs and just overall disgust I guess).

[merrmeade]

I originally found out about my husbands affair after it was long over. One night I picked up his phone (not sure why.. maybe I was meant to see it) and their was a message from some chick on fb flirting and that led me to see the other fb messages and deduct that yes there had been an affair. I was absolutely devestated. He gaslighted and minimized the affair. I went to ic and we went to 2 different mc's. This last mc experience was a waste of time because of my h who wouldnt give me the straight truth and the counselor who believed him when he said there was only one affair.

 

When I was trying to get to the bottom of things I saw where he was trolling craigslist personals. No one including me would ever have guessed he would cheat. In the meantime, in the last 2 years since dday my h seemed to have done a complete turn around. He got busy being a good dad and a loving supportive husband. He became "transparent" with everything. Except of course his past. I rode the fence. Hoping he was a better husband who realized what a sh**t storm he created. One side of me keeping my radar up. Sure enough he is most likely cheating again. I would say its an office type f**k partner. I have confronted him and he said I have nothing to worry about. Many many times I have said to him if you want out and cant be faithful tell me. We will end it. Sometimes his responses were of course I want to be here and other times he would say things like "well Im here, arent I?" Like it was forced. I am the one who would have financial hardship. He could leave. He just spent the weekend wining and dining me for my birthday.

 

Why does he bother? Why do I? I need some tough frank advice. I have stayed thinking I can endure this sh**t. I am a sthm and my kids are happy and except for his cheating i am too. I feel like this is my new normal. It doesnt feel right and yet it doesnt feel entirely wrong. I feel like I need my butt kicked for thinking this way. Btw I didnt find LS until a year after dday. I think had I got some advice in the beginning like Dont rug sweep, I would have resolved this a long time ago. I know who he is and yet Im still here. I need to find some resolve to get out. We have been married 22 yrs 3 kids.

This line is chilling: "I know who he is and yet Im still here." I think that is the reason to act. YOU can't live with who he is. If you keep trying, it will destroy you. Ultimatums, that you don't follow through with, signify to him that there will be no consequences and so it goes on. Yet confronting and leaving without a solid plan will leave you desperate and struggling, which would also destroy you.

 

So, no, I don't think you need your butt kicked. I think you need some good strategic advice for getting your "ducks in a row." It will take a while, but not forever.

 

This is an excellent way to work out your plan. Just wait. You'll get lots of advice in the next couple of days—from getting a lawyer to collecting and hiding evidence to planning financial security. You have to get smart and PLAN. Tolerating his lies and disrespect because your children are happy is not a reason to wait.

 

Wining and dining after you confront him about something are clear signs of a guilty conscience and trying to distract you. His "complete turn around ... being a good dad and a loving supportive husband," the same.

 

Believe me, this is experience talking. This kind of narcissism doesn't change without a terrible blow from some life event that comes about because of his selfishness, self-aggrandizement, lying or some other mistake. It has to completely pull everything out from under him. This is one time you do wish the worst on someone. I realize it's a fluke, rare.

 

We just got lucky that something else made him feel like a fraud. I'm not saying he was or wasn't - just that the experience of abject mortification and failure actually was the beginning of a sincere effort to be truthful to himself. It's the only reason my marriage has a chance in hell because it's the character that needs saving. We're still not really in the clear, but calling it at the first sign of any and all bullsh-t usually gets us back on track.

 

Short of that kind of turn-around, I don't think lying serial cheaters can change. So my advice would be consider it a lost cause and don't believe anything he says. Work on your exit plan, every little detail.

Edited July 17, 2015 by merrmeade