Mother and Sister talk about me behind my back

[JewelD]

So this is somewhat the usual sibling rivalry story except my mother has always pit me and my sister against each other for years. After I moved out and went to college, I accepted that my sister was her favorite and just stopped caring.

 

However, now I'm 24 and my sister is 26. I recently got out of a long term relationship so I've been relying on my family more than i used to. I go to college about two hours away and my mother started to come and visit me every other weekend. It was great because I thought we were finally starting to have a relationship.

 

However, she left her phone in the car and I saw a text message pop up from my sister in response to something I had done. So I knew then that my mother was talking to my sister about me while she was still visiting me. But like I said, it's nothing new, so I brushed it off and said whatever.

 

Then tonight I called to talk to her about an incident that happened at work earlier this week. I told my sister the entire story. All I told my mother was one sentence, "I slipped at work". However, when we talked on the phone, she was repeating details that I had never told her. Details only my sister knew.

 

That one kind of hurt because my mother never called to ask if I was okay but then went and had a whole conversation with my sister about my injury.

 

It's like they're best friends and I'm the 3rd wheel they laugh about together. Luckily, I'm in a position where I don't have to talk to them if I don't want to. But I'm afraid of being alone. I've got a couple of friends, but I would like to be able to trust my family. My mother is very confrontational and defensive, so I'm not sure if discussing it with them is the best idea.

 

Any thoughts, advice, similar situations? At one point do you just get sick of it and cut your family off? I don't want to be alone, but I cannot stand two faced people.

[LoveMachine67]

This is very typical family behavior. My family is famous for spreading each other's business within the family.

 

I would not take it personally or hold a grudge because of it. They may just be overly concerned about you as well.

 

My solution: I tell them nothing that I wouldn't want repeated to a packed auditorium!

[jen1447]

I agree that's it's pretty common for family and friends to discuss each other. I talk about my sister w/my mom forex, and I have no doubt they discuss me. The difference is the intent - just discussing a person isn't an attack on them, but if you're gossiping or slandering them, that's another story. I'm not seeing the overt injury in your case ....are you leaving out the details on the nature of what they say about you?

[amaysngrace]

Your mom should have called you to see how you were.

 

There's people who talk about you behind your back because they try to knock you down to their level. It sucks that it's your ma and sister doing that but I'm guessing you have a lot more going for you than they do.

 

That's why they do that. If they were all that interesting they'd be talking about themselves.

 

Did you call a lawyer for your fall? I know a really good one if you live in NJ.

[amaysngrace]

My solution: I tell them nothing that I wouldn't want repeated to a packed auditorium!

 

In my family we all tell Aunt Mary if we want everyone to know but don't feel like making the phone calls.

[JewelD]

I agree that's it's pretty common for family and friends to discuss each other. I talk about my sister w/my mom forex, and I have no doubt they discuss me. The difference is the intent - just discussing a person isn't an attack on them, but if you're gossiping or slandering them, that's another story. I'm not seeing the overt injury in your case ....are you leaving out the details on the nature of what they say about you?

 

I didn't want my post to be long, but yes, they have a long history of doing this. Families talk about people, I know that, but my mother would NEVER talk to me about my sister and my sister would never talk to me about my mother. At my graduation, things got complicated and I told my mother I was seeing a girl. I asked her not to say anything bc I was going to tell my sister later. After graduation, my sister came up to me and said "you're seeing a girl? You don't have to be embarrassed about that". and my mother said "well, what did you expect? I had to tell someone. Sorry".

 

Pretty much mess like that. They wouldn't tell each other's secrets to me, but they'll share my secrets with each other.

[JewelD]

Your mom should have called you to see how you were.

 

There's people who talk about you behind your back because they try to knock you down to their level. It sucks that it's your ma and sister doing that but I'm guessing you have a lot more going for you than they do.

 

That's why they do that. If they were all that interesting they'd be talking about themselves.

 

Did you call a lawyer for your fall? I know a really good one if you live in NJ.

 

Yeah I really don't get it. It's like my mother wants to be my sister's best friend so bad but she drives a wedge in between us. I just feel like siblings should have a stronger bond with each other since they're part of the same generation.

 

No, I'm still trying to think of what I should do. I'm just a part time worker so I took some time off. If I go to the Dr, they'll pay the bill, but I wouldn't get any worker's comp unless the Dr said I required X amount of days off. And all the time I'm waiting to figure it out is time I'm not making money. So I'm pretty much at the point where i need to deal with it and work to make some money for the next few weeks, or try to go for workers comp and be on the struggle bus if I don't get it.

[amaysngrace]

Yeah I really don't get it. It's like my mother wants to be my sister's best friend so bad but she drives a wedge in between us. I just feel like siblings should have a stronger bond with each other since they're part of the same generation.

 

No, I'm still trying to think of what I should do. I'm just a part time worker so I took some time off. If I go to the Dr, they'll pay the bill, but I wouldn't get any worker's comp unless the Dr said I required X amount of days off. And all the time I'm waiting to figure it out is time I'm not making money. So I'm pretty much at the point where i need to deal with it and work to make some money for the next few weeks, or try to go for workers comp and be on the struggle bus if I don't get it.

 

So you aren't seriously injured then? That's terrific. That's the most important thing of all really.

 

Maybe your sister harbors secret animosity towards you and wants to be your moms favorite? I wouldn't be too hard on your mom about it other than not seeing how you are because it's your sister who you told all that info to and she's the one who didn't keep her mouth shut.

 

But your mom really should have picked up the phone to see how you're doing unless maybe she tried but your mailbox is full?

[jen1447]

I didn't want my post to be long, but yes, they have a long history of doing this. Families talk about people, I know that, but my mother would NEVER talk to me about my sister and my sister would never talk to me about my mother. At my graduation, things got complicated and I told my mother I was seeing a girl. I asked her not to say anything bc I was going to tell my sister later. After graduation, my sister came up to me and said "you're seeing a girl? You don't have to be embarrassed about that". and my mother said "well, what did you expect? I had to tell someone. Sorry".

 

Pretty much mess like that. They wouldn't tell each other's secrets to me, but they'll share my secrets with each other.

 

I understand. But are they saying the equivalent of "JewelD is a rotten POS," "I hope JewelD's relationship goes to hell," "JewelD's a dyke," etc.?

 

I can see how you'd be hurt that they leave you out of the loop.

[JewelD]

So you aren't seriously injured then? That's terrific. That's the most important thing of all really.

 

Maybe your sister harbors secret animosity towards you and wants to be your moms favorite? I wouldn't be too hard on your mom about it other than not seeing how you are because it's your sister who you told all that info to and she's the one who didn't keep her mouth shut.

 

But your mom really should have picked up the phone to see how you're doing unless maybe she tried but your mailbox is full?

 

Yeah. They both need to have some tact. If you're going to talk about me behind my back, you could at least not repeat it to me like I told you about it or something.

 

My mother is lacking in the considerate department. I don't know why, but she doesn't really call me. Usually I have to call her if I want to talk on the phone. and then she finds a reason to rush me off.

[JewelD]

I understand. But are they saying the equivalent of "JewelD is a rotten POS," "I hope JewelD's relationship goes to hell," "JewelD's a dyke," etc.?

 

I can see how you'd be hurt that they leave you out of the loop.

 

I think it differs depending on what they're talking about, but I do think they look down on me a bit. They don't hate me (at least I don't think so), but they're not exactly rooting for me either.

[jen1447]

I think it differs depending on what they're talking about, but I do think they look down on me a bit. They don't hate me (at least I don't think so), but they're not exactly rooting for me either.

 

Ok. Well ....family is family, and imo unless they're really egregiously insulting/harmful, you pretty much have to tolerate them. That doesn't mean you have to throw yourself at their mercy and be best buds, but I do think becoming estranged would be an extreme measure given the circumstances.

 

A good friend could do you wonders.

[mrs rubble]

Is your dad on the scene? How is your relationship with him?

[anika99]

I think the real problem here is that your mom and sister have a bond with each other that they do not have with you and that is understandably hurtful for you. I think you wouldn't mind your mom and sister talking about you if they also talked about each other with you. I get why that makes you feel kinda crappy.

 

I don't really have any advice though. My oldest brother (younger than me) is my mom's favorite and it used to drive me nuts and hurt my feelings. He could do no wrong in her eyes and she would even go so far as to yell at me when she was actually angry at my brother because to her it was preferable to unjustly attack me rather than say anything to upset her golden little boy.

 

I used to feel deeply hurt by her favouritism but I learned to accept it as I got older and now I actually kind of feel sorry for my brother. As my mother has aged and become more needy she has become increasingly demanding of my brother. She will sometimes call him numerous times a day and expects him to be at her beck and call and now I'm glad I'm not her favorite.

[Haydn]

Mum and Sister are always `Rabbiting` about me.

 

Normal in a family............