Long Distance with no end date!

[bolase]

Long story short; new relationship, met while volunteering on a project in May but neither of us live in that city.

 

We had about a month together (after the project ended) then he went overseas for a month, and recently he visited me in my town for a week.

 

We live about 8hr drive apart. He says he is really looking forward to spending more time and I believe him - he made things "official" with no prompting from me, he made an effort with my friends when he visited, etc.

 

The issue for me is that we like each other a lot but he doesn't see it as an issue that he is about to get his work permit for 5 years up in the town where he lives. I have just got a permanent job here that is perfect for me, so I don't want to give it up. SO that means we won't live in the same place for at least 5 years - and worse, he lives in field stations so even if I moved closer, how am I supposed to be with him, really?

 

Also, he talks about his job a lot (related to our volunteer work), which I love hearing about, but never really comments on mine when I tell him work stories. he is very good at emailing and keeping in contact and making me feel special, though.

 

He just called from overseas the line was bad, and so he emailed saying he's got a headache and is going to bed. I feel a bit upset, because I wanted to have the above talk...that Im just realising how little time I will be able to spend with him in when he's back in the country, and ask him to think about it.

 

Its just that I am 30 and don't want to LDR indefinitely forever! he is slightly younger at 29.

 

Any advices?

[casey.lives]

go see him!

[bolase]

He lives 8hr away, and moves between that town and a remote field station.

 

Sure I can and probably will, but how will we ever live a normal couple life?

[Perrier]

Long story short; new relationship, met while volunteering on a project in May but neither of us live in that city.

 

We had about a month together (after the project ended) then he went overseas for a month, and recently he visited me in my town for a week.

 

We live about 8hr drive apart. He says he is really looking forward to spending more time and I believe him - he made things "official" with no prompting from me, he made an effort with my friends when he visited, etc.

 

The issue for me is that we like each other a lot but he doesn't see it as an issue that he is about to get his work permit for 5 years up in the town where he lives. I have just got a permanent job here that is perfect for me, so I don't want to give it up. SO that means we won't live in the same place for at least 5 years - and worse, he lives in field stations so even if I moved closer, how am I supposed to be with him, really?

 

**missing parag.****

 

He just called from overseas the line was bad, and so he emailed saying he's got a headache and is going to bed. I feel a bit upset, because I wanted to have the above talk...that Im just realising how little time I will be able to spend with him in when he's back in the country, and ask him to think about it.

 

Its just that I am 30 and don't want to LDR indefinitely forever! he is slightly younger at 29.

 

Any advices?

 

OP you say this RS is new. Any chance of finding a local new one? Because apart from the physical limitations (see bolded areas), you are anxious and worried. Your man seems to have no problem with these 'limitations.' The time you wanted to discuss concerns the phone line was bad. Did a headache really prevent him from calling back - going to bed or was he just getting off the phone?

 

I don't get a good feeling about this tbh.

Edited July 16, 2015 by Perrier

[bolase]

Sure, there are lots of guys where I live but I like him and miss him.

 

Actually I had to cut off the call because the line was so bad.

 

However, I emailed and told him how I felt and that if there was an end date to the LdR it would make all the difference.

 

He misinterpreted this as me asking him to drop everything and move to where I am, which I wasn't, I was just trying to be open about how I feel.

 

because he is a wildlife biologist he said that He can't guarantee that he can, or will, be around physically for me but he will try to make it work and provide the support I need. He says in a way he sacrificed that possibility when he decided to spend his life in the field so no he can't guarantee a future where we are together.

 

Guess thT leaves me with the options of dumping him or having a permanent Ldr..I mean i assume he wants to have a family one day it's just that I don't want to bring that up because it's too soon,

[Perrier]

Sure, there are lots of guys where I live but I like him and miss him.

 

.....

 

He misinterpreted this as me asking him to drop everything and move to where I am, which I wasn't, I was just trying to be open about how I feel.

 

because he is a wildlife biologist he said that He can't guarantee that he can, or will, be around physically for me but he will try to make it work and provide the support I need. He says in a way he sacrificed that possibility when he decided to spend his life in the field so no he can't guarantee a future where we are together.

 

.....I mean i assume he wants to have a family one day it's just that I don't want to bring that up because it's too soon,

 

Do the bolded parts not worry you? You don't sound sure of this man tbh. I would investigate solid local guys rather than hang my hat on something that may not happen.

 

Your bf is progressing his life, with or without you.

[acrosstheuniverse]

If there's no end date, I fail to see how this is a viable relationship. Maybe it would be in your teens if you're just enjoying someone to talk to and the occasional trip, but as you bring a family up I presume you don't want to spend years on end dating someone at a distance, you'd like to meet someone you can live with, and have a family with.

 

It sucks but it happens. Chalk it up to life experience and concentrate on dating in your area. Every time I had a really **** breakup I would think I'd never meet anyone I liked so much and was so perfect for me again, and I always did. There are so many people out there who are right for us. Don't give up so soon and think this guy is perfect for you because he isn't, he's unattainable.

[OldSoul86]

Take it from me, if there's no end date, then there's no future for the relationship. I have done a lot of reading on making LDRs work (back when I was in one) and the most important thing is that end date, and it has to be concrete.

 

I was in a LDR for 2 years and there was no end date - now we're broken up because we had no plans for the future and there were serious relationship problems that boiled up to the surface towards the end.

 

I would try dating locally, don't try to force a square peg into a round hole.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Not a viable option, unless he can be at your doorstep on Friday night & not leave until Sunday afternoon, every weekend.

[justwhoiam]

He says he is really looking forward to spending more time

Sorry for being blunt: are you providing free sex?

 

he made things "official" with no prompting from me

What do you mean by making things official? Did he call you his girlfriend without asking you first if you wanted to be his girlfriend? Please explain.

 

he made an effort with my friends when he visited

What effort?

 

he is about to get his work permit for 5 years up in the town where he lives

1. He's about means he didn't get any permit yet. Way to put the cart before the horses...

2. So is he a foreigner? Why does he need a work permit?

 

he lives in field stations so even if I moved closer, how am I supposed to be with him, really?

The answer to this is very simple.

You need to be ready to live with a scientist, with all that it entails.

Also, to make life-long decisions, you need to see how involved you feel. You must be in love with him and really love him to bits to devote your life to your man. You should go the same direction to build something together. Most of all, it takes a strong woman to do all the above, to endure highs and lows, that might come along the way (especially if there'll be times without a contract/with no job).

 

If you need something quieter and more stable, you need to find a man with a different job, like a lawyer. But be prepared for other downsides, because for instance lawyers are one of the most unfaithful professions among men.

[moys]

Sure, there are lots of guys where I live but I like him and miss him.

 

Actually I had to cut off the call because the line was so bad.

 

However, I emailed and told him how I felt and that if there was an end date to the LdR it would make all the difference.

 

He misinterpreted this as me asking him to drop everything and move to where I am, which I wasn't, I was just trying to be open about how I feel.

 

because he is a wildlife biologist he said that He can't guarantee that he can, or will, be around physically for me but he will try to make it work and provide the support I need. He says in a way he sacrificed that possibility when he decided to spend his life in the field so no he can't guarantee a future where we are together.

 

Guess thT leaves me with the options of dumping him or having a permanent Ldr..I mean i assume he wants to have a family one day it's just that I don't want to bring that up because it's too soon,

 

I don't see what would be wrong with asking him to find an end to your LDR, his reaction is worrying. He'll have to sacrifice something eventually if it's going to work out.

 

He can't guarantee you anything, so don't guarantee your presence in his life. He's not invested in the relationship and can't provide you with reassurance that he is. He seems perfectly fine with this being a LDR forever.

 

Talking about starting a family shouldn't be a taboo subject. You're in your early 30s like me and this is a realistic expectation that you need your partner to be open and honest about so that you don't waste time. My partner and I talked about marriage and family with 7 weeks and it just seemed like a natural conversation to have since we have a plan to be together and it's important that we're on the same page.

 

You know what choice you have to make. Dumping him looks like the best option. I hope it works out for you.

[bolase]

Sorry for being blunt: are you providing free sex?

 

What do you mean by making things official? Did he call you his girlfriend without asking you first if you wanted to be his girlfriend? Please explain.

 

What effort?

 

 

He asked if I wanted to be gf/bf or if I preferred the term partners and I said yes

 

Effort: really getting to know them, being outgoing when he's usually in the quiet side, helping my friend with an injured ankle up the stairs, etc!

 

 

1. He's about means he didn't get any permit yet. Way to put the cart before the horses...

2. So is he a foreigner? Why does he need a work permit?

 

He has now, he just needs a permit from the govt dept to work with this species

 

 

The answer to this is very simple.

You need to be ready to live with a scientist, with all that it entails.

Also, to make life-long decisions, you need to see how involved you feel. You must be in love with him and really love him to bits to devote your life to your man. You should go the same direction to build something together. Most of all, it takes a strong woman to do all the above, to endure highs and lows, that might come along the way (especially if there'll be times without a contract/with no job).

 

If you need something quieter and more stable, you need to find a man with a different job, like a lawyer. But be prepared for other downsides, because for instance lawyers are one of the most unfaithful professions among men.

 

You're quite right, except that This is quiet enough, it's only distance. And when you talk about lawyers, that'd be much more stressful than a scientist!

[Summerrose2013]

Take it from me, if there's no end date, then there's no future for the relationship. I have done a lot of reading on making LDRs work (back when I was in one) and the most important thing is that end date, and it has to be concrete.

 

I was in a LDR for 2 years and there was no end date - now we're broken up because we had no plans for the future and there were serious relationship problems that boiled up to the surface towards the end.

 

I would try dating locally, don't try to force a square peg into a round hole.

 

This summed up my LDR perfectly. I was assuming that after a couple of years we would make plans to be together, but until we actually discussed it, I wasn't aware that he had NO intentions of making any plans for our future until his kids were grown up, in around 7,8,9 years.....and even then, I figured, who knows if we would even like each other once we were together 24/7?

And we were only a couple of hours apart.

I was even willing to move to be with him, but he still wouldn't make that commitment to me, because of his kids, and not knowing what their needs might be (yes, I know, alarm bells, red flags all over the place.) We broke up twice, first time his instigation (me=heartbroken), second time, after a very cautious reconciliation, I broke it off with him and I can honestly say the sense of relief was enormous. I hadn't realised how stressed the whole situation was making me. I'm now giving myself some breathing space, focusing on myself, making my house lovely, and when I'm ready, I'll get out locally and hopefully meet someone.

 

He continues to pursue me, although he freely admits that nothing has or will change, so I am trying to discourage what I see as utterly pointless.

I'm pretty sure he's just bored when he texts me, and he misses our easy companionship as he has few friends.

 

I think he liked to 'have a girlfriend' but with none of the ties or commitment and he still got to have his own lifestyle in his town, and could just dip in and out of our RS. It's like he was just ticking the box! He could just drop me anytime that something else came up, work, the children, whatever, and I can't question it because I'm so far away.

 

We've been broken up for a while now. Whilst I understand how hard any break up us, I would really never recommend anyone to get into a LDR, unless you had an establish RS and it was of limited duration to get through a certain period of enforced separation. I think you can tend to idealise someone in this situation, you never get to know them in a day to day settling. You put your life on hold if you are not careful, and exclude other more suitable local opportunities.

Edited July 27, 2015 by Summerrose2013

[Els]

Eh... I'm gonna disagree with the majority here.

 

Yes, an end date is important - but IMO 2 months is a very short time to be expecting the other person to make long-term career decisions based on the relationship. His work permit isn't a contract, right? Meaning he can change his mind down the road (or so can you).

 

Perhaps my experience is a little biased since the last time I was in a LDR was in my early 20s (as opposed to your late 20s) but there is no way I'd be planning my career around a relationship of 2 months. It feels a lot like putting the cart before the horse. After 2 years, we did actually end the distance, so I don't think lack of willingness to make concrete plans early on translates to lack of willingness to move when the time is right.

 

If, after a few more visits and maybe 6 months or more under your belt, neither of you is willing to make plans to relocate, then that might be an issue. At this present moment, it seems like jumping the gun a little bit.

 

Yes, there is the risk that after 6 months (or whatever) it won't work out due to lack of end date, but there is a risk of Rs not working out at ANY point, LD or non LD.

[central]

IMO, LDRs need an end date, and depending on circumstances, this is usually in the 1 to 2 year timeframe. Either have a plan to be together in the same place by then and in a serious relationship, or end it if you cannot make a workable and believable plan. Most LDRs do not work out, so knowing when to end one is key so that you don't waste time on something that will go nowhere, when you can better use the time to try to meet someone local.