The new girl I'm seeing is getting scared and starting to push me away!

[johndoe]

I think the new girll I'm seeing is getting scared about our relationship. She said that things are going really fast and that she wants to take it slow and do it right.She's mentioned it a couple weeks ago a few days ago. But it wasn't until two day's ago that I noticed she kinda started to change and pull away a little bit. For example she wasn't as affectionate and didn't call nearly as much as she has in the past.

 

I feel that she is the more aggressive one with persuing the relationship. Usually she calls me all the time and sends me messages all the time. So I don't know how I'm suppose to take it slow when she's the one that calls all the time and wants to hang out all the time. What can I do to show her that I'm willing to take things slow.

 

I think she would be doing this to any guy because she's scared of getting hurt again. (She had a bad breakup with her ex about a year ago) How do I get her over that fear of getting hurt again?? I can feel her starting to push me away and I think I can stop it if I act soon.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Generally speaking "take it slow" and "being scared" don't happen when you are really, really into a person and looking for that sort of relationship with them. I see so many people who say that stuff, only to dump the person and be in a serious relationship within a short time of dumping the person they felt 'fear' with. I think what she is scared of is the inertia that will suck her into being in a committed, monogamous relationship with someone that she doesn't really want that sort of relationship with right now. I expect she likes you some, though or she wouldn't be with you. I think what is going on is called "keeping her options open".

 

How to keep someone like this from running off? By pretty much mirroring whatever she is doing. She is setting a pace that she is comfortable with, so by all means match that pace. If she says that its 'going too fast' then don't call her, or arrange to be busy the next few times she wants to do something. Let her do the calling, but don't go out of your way to take her calls. If you happen to be there, take her call - but don't reschedule something you'd otherwise do just to take her calls. If she mentions being 'scared' then suggest that you are too, and that you and she should date other people to keep things on a more casual dating level (she probably won't take you up on it, if anything she'll try to do what it takes to prevent you from dating other people). You can't do anything to actively get her over her fear - you can only react in ways which won't provoke it.

 

Basically, you do everything that you'd normally do when avoiding commitment, but still want to be with the person. That's what she's doing to you. That apparently is what she wants, so you should give it to her. She is keeping you at an arm's length, so you should do the same to her. The less available you are, and the less commitment you give her - the less scared she'll be. She is scared of your availability, and your willingness to commit - because right now, that's what she is most 'afraid' of. There's no way for her to be 'scared' or have to ask you to 'take it slow' if you refuse to do those things that cause her to say that.

 

It wont' be easy for you, but she can't push you away, if you don't allow yourself to get to the point where you have to be pushed away.

[Marshbear]

I had an ex and she started pushing me away saying that she didn't want a serious relationship. She also was afraid to let her feelings get to where she might get hurt. I finally had to break off the relationship because it was not giving me what I wanted. If she's not ready or the timing is off you will be hard pressed to keep it going. Me and my ex do not even speak because she got so mad at me for breaking it off ( figure that one out ). You need top decide what you want out of the realtionship and if it's not happening then you might have to give it up. Do what is best for you...

[JS17]

I can tell you from my personal experience that I am in the same situation as your girlfriend. I got out of a bad relationship in the beginning of this year and was hurt pretty badly. I recently met someone that I really like but it scares me. While I really do like this guy and want it to progress to a more committed relationship, I know I need to take it slow, I know I need to not jump into anything head first again. You only make that mistake once. When your relationship progresses too quickly, especially with women, you can become attached and involved without knowing what the person is REALLY like.

 

She may be just afraid of commitment or she may have the same feelings that I have, the only way you'll know is to talk about it with her. I will also tell you that I contact my guy all the time and sometimes when he contacts me too often I feel smothered (one of the most important words you can hear from someone) and it's not be cause I don't want a commitment or a serious relationship. When he doesn't call or write I want him to and that's one of the best things about the beginning of a relationship, give her space and let her want you. If she really likes you, she will want more of you when she's not getting it. Let her set the pace.

 

As usual, Lucrezia is right, if you ask her if she wants to make things more casual, there's a good chance she'll say no. I would, however, rather hear him ask me if I wanted to see other people than hear him ask me if HE should see other people.

[johndoe]

Thanks everybody for your responses. They all seem to make sense and I'm going to try my hardest to incorporate all of your advise into my situation. I'll keep you guys updated. thanks again.

[scarlyjones]

Alright, cutie-pie,.............listen up. Heres what ya do:

 

If she wants you to take it slowly,....you take it so slow that soon she'll be wondering if YOU even are into her anymore. Then your phone will ring off the hook. She will call you ALL the time. YOU act like YOU'RE not interested anymore. You still hang out with her,..but you give HER friends more attention. Or YOU'RE friends. Or whomever you're with besides her. When she drops you off, or you drop HER off,...just say " Okay,..see ya!" Act like you're just friends. You will be suprised on how quickly she turns up the heat on the relationship.