angel.eyes Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Don't forget that you can shorten 'Okay!' to 'OK!' Less letters, less effort. : I'd probably drop the exclamation mark too. I was thinking just put a full stop but if he gets annoyed over grammar then be anal and leave out punctuation....heh! *evil grin* I think OK is too long. For Mr. Grammar Boy, "K" should do the trick. Personally I would have ignored him after he told you he wasn't speaking to you but would deign to entertain an email from you. If you must respond to his email diatribes, I would use either "K" or "?" But honestly, someone who respects you and your feelings so little, isn't worth the time or effort. Block and ignore. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 One of my biggest problems is giving people the benefit of the doubt and excusing away their behavior and accepting blame/responsibility for their ****. Had I not posted this situation here, I probably would have second guessed myself - and thought he was right, that I shouldn't have told him he's patronizing, I'm sorry, it's my fault, let's make up. So glad I came here. It's a reminder that I still need to work on stuff. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I think OK is too long. For Mr. Grammar Boy, "K" should do the trick. He wouldn't understand 'K' which makes it even better... A question mark gives him full reign to vent. I like both. The twit deserves it. I randomly had a conversation today with a colleague, he got married last year and they had a bub a few weeks ago. She is still wondering why her ex was how he was with her. Her new man (my colleague) is a really great guy and he is working with her to understand it. I told him I had dated a controller/abuser (to give me ex the full realm) and my colleague looked at me - his eyes were sad and he said hearing more stories like this made him feel ashamed to be a man. There was myself and another woman in the conversation and yep, she had been with a controlling but not abusive man in the past too and we both told him never to feel that, we know good men are out there. She has a great one and she married him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) Someone who is patronizing and condescending (and he did both in spectacular fashion) doesn't respect you. You can't have a healthy give-and-take relationship when that's the case. Throw in the fact that he is ultimately incapable of admitting fault or empathizing with how his behavior affected you, and it's best to walk away. The point of dating is to figure out whether this is a good match for you. He isn't. Mission accomplished. Time to try with someone different. Let him sulk and stew away in silence. Oops! Not quite silence, since he's still berating and belittling you over email. I guess he's parsing the English language when it comes to communication, so that you continue to feel his displeasure and disapproval of you. Hypercritical people will destroy your self-esteem if you let them. Consider this a bullet missed. One of my biggest problems is giving people the benefit of the doubt and excusing away their behavior and accepting blame/responsibility for their ****. Had I not posted this situation here, I probably would have second guessed myself - and thought he was right, that I shouldn't have told him he's patronizing, I'm sorry, it's my fault, let's make up. So glad I came here. It's a reminder that I still need to work on stuff. Edited July 17, 2015 by angel.eyes 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Rose, if you are interested in getting some knowledge in you.. This is purely my views (no one else ever posted and I updated tonight) on books I have read to avoid these kind of guys. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/524069-book-suggestions 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 "I told you I was angry and instead of trying to discuss it and work it out, you jumped right back on to OKC. That made me feel real special. Thanks Rosie. So glad you sent me that first message on OKC and dragged me into this. So it's on YOU to make up with HIM, after he told you he didn't want to speak to you for offending him for speaking up for yourself. Wow... He just gets douchier and douchier. It's All About Him. I say it again...you dodged a bullet. Don't even think of engaging him. You'll just wind him up even more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted July 18, 2015 Author Share Posted July 18, 2015 He wrote me a long novel telling me that he's never had someone call him patronizing before, that I should have given him the benefit of the doubt, that I don't get his humor, and the biggies - that he cannot believe I got back on OKC. Newflash: He was on it, too. He basically just blame-shifted everything all back on me, and said that he dodged a bullet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMachine67 Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 He wrote me a long novel telling me that he's never had someone call him patronizing before, that I should have given him the benefit of the doubt, that I don't get his humor, and the biggies - that he cannot believe I got back on OKC. Newflash: He was on it, too. He basically just blame-shifted everything all back on me, and said that he dodged a bullet. It was you who actually dodge the bullet here! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I see nothing wrong in telling a guy that he is being patronising. At first, I would give him the benefit of the doubt and think it could be manner, accent, or anything, and would tell him in the nicest possible way. I would not want him to feel hurt or told off, but a gentle word in a fun kind of way should get the message across. If it doesn't and I had to be firm like you did, then I would expect that male pride (and a guy who tends to be patronising anyway) will mean he won't take it well. In fact, if I had to confront him about it, I'd assume the relationship will be over. It will be over because I don't like being patronised and he will not be happy at being reprimanded. His reaction was not nice, but then as I said, I wouldn't have expected it. If you try to make it work after such a confrontation, then you may prove to be one of these amazing people who can somehow overcome all obstacles, but the feelings that such a discussion would engender in both parties would sour the relationship somewhat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 He wrote me a long novel telling me that he's never had someone call him patronizing before, that I should have given him the benefit of the doubt, that I don't get his humor, and the biggies - that he cannot believe I got back on OKC. Newflash: He was on it, too. He basically just blame-shifted everything all back on me, and said that he dodged a bullet. HE dodged a bullet?? HA!!!!! I'm not sure what's scarier, him doing it on purpose as some sort of power trip, or genuinely being so freaking clueless. He sounds like an absolute narcissist. Give HIM the benefit of the doubt??! You let it go on a bit before you said anything, already giving him the benefit of the doubt, until you could take no more and gently corrected him. Any decent man, whether or not he could understand what exactly he did wrong, would at the very least still feel bad that YOU felt bad and apologize for that alone, and not find your pain a personal insult to him. That's just so bizarre. Are you able to tell us his sign-in name on the site? I'm SO curious to see what this jerk looks like and what his profile has to say!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted July 18, 2015 Author Share Posted July 18, 2015 No, I'm not going to give his OKC name. That would be grossly inappropriate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 So he was a condescending and patronizing (and rude and insulting) a**hat - repeatedly – and you called him on it, and his response was to blame-shift and go passive-aggressive. Then, when you didn’t do exactly what he wanted, he acted like a petulant, whiny child. Wow… what a keeper. I had to laugh that he was correcting YOUR grammar. I seriously doubt that you would ever use inappropriate grammar. Ever. I dated a guy like this for about 6 months Rose, although the insults were nowhere near as direct. It was just the condescending overall feel of it. It’s funny because it was only on the phone too, not in person. I was going to ask what profession this guy is because I think that is related to what I experienced. This guy was a cardiologist and he would periodically go into what I called his “patient” mode (I am betting this is how he talks to his patients): he would modulate his voice, he would acquire that “tone” that reeked of patronization and ‘I know more than you’, he would slow down his speech to the rate someone would use when speaking to a toddler, and he would put false inflections in his words as if he were interacting with an addle-brained ten-year-old child. It drove me CRAZY…. I got to the point where I would recognize that tone immediately and I would say, “There’s that tone again… I am NOT YOUR PATIENT!” Yeah, I broke up with him. Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 What a passive aggressive wimp! When you told him his behaviour is not acceptable (because he knows it isn't, hence the baby-voice) he manipulatively went with it and when he felt safe he felt free to express his anger in written form... Without doing something to solve it, without having at least a calm argument to discuss. Mayor red flag when someone brushes off your feelings like that and treat you as if you're irrational, without at least trying to understand the reasons behind your feelings. I immediately kick out people like that from my life because it's hopeless. It's okay that you gave the benefit of the doubt in his case. I'm also the type to give 1 or 2 shots without saying something, and if I notice a pattern I pack up my suitcases and I'm out of the door. He doesn't need to be aware that you're watching closely or he won't behave naturally 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted July 18, 2015 Author Share Posted July 18, 2015 I wrote back to his last one basically telling him his victim blaming was tiring and that I was glad we had this blowup because it enabled me to know sooner than later that we're just not compatible. Probably shouldn't have even bothered. He wrote back AGAIN, and I could see from the preview on my phone that he was starting it off by saying it was his last email and he'd let me have the last word since it seemed like I needed it. I didn't even open it; just deleted it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I wrote back to his last one basically telling him his victim blaming was tiring and that I was glad we had this blowup because it enabled me to know sooner than later that we're just not compatible. Probably shouldn't have even bothered. He wrote back AGAIN, and I could see from the preview on my phone that he was starting it off by saying it was his last email and he'd let me have the last word since it seemed like I needed it. I didn't even open it; just deleted it. Text him back "last word" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I didn't even open it; just deleted it. Well why would you do that? We all want to know what he has to say 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 (edited) This is a first for me. I've been dating someone new. I'm interested to know how I could have done better, if at all, and how to respond now, if at all. We were having a conversation on the phone about various topics, sharing what we did that day, talking about random things in the news, things we've experienced recently at work, with hobbies, etc., pretty random chit chat. A number of times he'd talk to me in what I felt was a very rude, condescending, patronizing voice, really out of place for what we were talking about. For the most part, I let it go, but I'd think to myself, "That was a little strange." He's done it before in other conversations, but this conversation it happened several times. He'd correct my grammar mid-sentence, and criticize other thoughts/opinions/joys I hold. The details really aren't important; I have thick skin when teasing and playing around, and enjoy sarcasm. His manner of communicating is just very difficult to accept and ignore. I've never been talked down to quite that way. Towards the end of the call, when he did it for the fourth time, I told him word for word: "I understand the point you're making, but I have to say this because it's really bugging me. When you say it that way, in that tone of voice, it comes across to me as very condescending and patronizing, as though you see me as a stupid little girl." He apologized profusely and said he meant it to be funny, not offensive. I gladly accepted his apology, as it seemed sincere and had a sort of, "ah jeez, yeah, I've heard that before" sort of tone of grimace and regret. We awkwardly got off the phone shortly after that, as it was late. Today, he sends me a text telling me he's "angry that I called him patronizing and condescending," and that "he doesn't want to talk to me today, but will accept an email later if I want to discuss it further." When I read it, I said out loud to myself, "You're angry that I told you the truth? In the most tactful way I could in that moment? Okay, buddy." How could I have expressed to him that I felt he was patronizing me, without telling him that I felt like the way he was saying what he was saying was patronizing me? And should I respond to him? If so, how? I cringed then got angry when reading this. I think you may be in an emotionally vulnerable place right now and have attracted this D-Bag to you because of it. If on multiple occasions you've felt he was rude, condescending, patronizing and you've ignored it then finally said politely that it made you feel uncomfortable and he responded like he's gotten that criticism before (and he was trying to be funny...ewww...I've heard this before, I know this kind of rude, emotionally abusive guy who when he gets called out he resorts to it being you who is unable to take a "joke" instead of the reality which is that nothing is funny and he is a prick. NOTHING is ever these guys' faults and even his stupid apology obviously didn't last before he decided to punish you and make it your offense instead of his, no normal person does this. When you hurt someone, even unintentionally, emotionally well and well-meaning people apologize and can truly say that even though it wasn't their intention they are sorry to hurt you and will do better, not renege and then expect you to say sorry for them making you feel bad), there is nothing wrong with what you did or how you did it. Please run away from this man. You haven't known him long and it's not worth it. You shouldn't feel spoken down to in a relationship so if you feel this way often and then when you voice it are made to feel even more wrong for your feelings, he can take a hike off the edge of a cliff! You're on the money with your remark that he makes you feel like a stupid little girl...ALL of this reminds me of that type of relationship with men who are emotionally abusive who erode your self-esteem and sanity bit by bit and gaslight you and tell you that you're overreacting, you can't take a joke, when you attempt to speak to them as an equal adult they put you in a corner and punish you with silence like a child....his whole you upset him and he doesn't feel like speaking but you can email...EWWW! Rose, tell him to fcccck all the way off. Please dump him. I don't see this magically improving from here. This is this guy's personality and it's ALL honking red flags. He is responding like an abuser...who when they get called out they get angry and defensive and then punish you then wait for you to crawl back and apologize and trick you into believing you're the wrong one. It's a sick, nasty cycle and especially if you're emotionally vulnerable, on the rebound, healing from another relationship you may find that your defenses are down and you allow someone like this into your life. Please run away from him before you find yourself stuck in an emotionally abusive situation with him. DO NOT apologize, DO NOT beg him, DO NOT make him feel like you're kowtowing to him, simply email saying you are not a good match and it's best to go your separate ways and RUN! Edited July 18, 2015 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted July 18, 2015 Author Share Posted July 18, 2015 MissBee, did you read the follow ups? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 MissBee, did you read the follow ups? Yea I ended up reading them after. I initially only read the first post and responded. I'm glad you kicked him to the curb and his follow reactions proved exactly the douche he is. It's always a blessing in disguise when guys like this reveal themselves early on so that you can kick them to the curb sooner rather than later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 He's just a person with a fragile ego. Everything else stems from that. Most conversations are about passing the time in an enjoyable way, but he wants to score points and impress himself, at the expense of the other person. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 No, I'm not going to give his OKC name. That would be grossly inappropriate. Understood. I thought I'd ask because it IS a public site that anyone can see for free anyway, so it's not like you're giving away anything private and personal. Still, I can respect that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Someone who is patronizing and condescending (and he did both in spectacular fashion) doesn't respect you. You can't have a healthy give-and-take relationship when that's the case. Throw in the fact that he is ultimately incapable of admitting fault or empathizing with how his behavior affected you, and it's best to walk away. The point of dating is to figure out whether this is a good match for you. He isn't. Mission accomplished. Time to try with someone different. Let him sulk and stew away in silence. Oops! Not quite silence, since he's still berating and belittling you over email. I guess he's parsing the English language when it comes to communication, so that you continue to feel his displeasure and disapproval of you. Hypercritical people will destroy your self-esteem if you let them. Consider this a bullet missed. I couldn't have said this better myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted July 18, 2015 Author Share Posted July 18, 2015 Understood. I thought I'd ask because it IS a public site that anyone can see for free anyway, so it's not like you're giving away anything private and personal. Still, I can respect that. But sharing his online profile would be identifying him personally. There are pictures, location, personal details. I'd never share that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 But sharing his online profile would be identifying him personally. There are pictures, location, personal details. I'd never share that. OK, I see. Then how about just paraphrasing what he was looking for in a woman, as well as how he described his own personality traits? Just curious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted July 18, 2015 Author Share Posted July 18, 2015 OK, I see. Then how about just paraphrasing what he was looking for in a woman, as well as how he described his own personality traits? Just curious. His profile was like three screens long in narrative. That should say it all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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