I never wanted to reconcile until now

[IdiotHusband]

I just spent the last 45 minutes typing my post to have it lost. I'll try again. If this seems cold or abrupt it's because I need to get this out of my head and on "paper".

 

 

Facts: My ex wife and I were married for almost 20 years (Married at 21 years old). We have 2 kids. One in college, One in middle school.

 

 

History: I was HORRIBLE husband to my wife in many different ways for a long period of the marriage. In the end, I realized this and was trying to work on being a better person but in doing so I was in a huge storm of turmoil and guilt. She was off in her life pursuing a career and knowledge that really fit her after 16 years of being a stay at home wife. Things in the end spiraled down to the point where I said some things and told her things that while not trying to hurt her did. I was trying to explain just how horrible of a person I had been and how I was working hard on not ever being that guy again but it felt like it was too little too late. It was.

 

I take 95% of the blame for the marriage and my counselor who I've been seeing for 9 months on a weekly basis says it's really more 50/50. I wanted to try counseling before the divorce and she wouldn't. It hurt me that she was "done". 5 mediation sessions later, the divorce finalized in May 2015. I never wanted to see her or speak to her again unless it had to do with the kids or our dog. It worked. I just bought my own house in June. I'm sort of dating (that's a whole other post). I had the kids and called her to say we we're going out to eat and then they would be coming over for her week. She was upset and I could tell. I thought it was at me since it was a late start to go to dinner. It wasn't she said it was fine while I could hear her sniffling. I thought "this isn't your problem she's a big girl." and put it behind me..well for 20 minutes which is a record for me.

 

I had an out of body experience where I texted her, "I don't know what's wrong but something is up. If you want to talk about it and haven't got anyone else to talk to I will try and listen." Even now, it's hard to fathom I did that.

 

She responded that she would like to take me up on it and later that night she came over. We drank a beer on my new patio. She told me her significant other was "Done" and they were breaking up. All the while she's crying and I'm handing her tissues. I calm her down and talk to her and let her give all the details that are STABBING ME emotionally but a long time ago I swore I would carry the burden of the pain I gave her by always making sure to never give her anymore pain or heartache.

 

She went home and the next day I found myself texting her again, "How you doing?" She called me sobbing that it's confirmed they're done and her SO had said things that hurt her that I had said about her in the past. She's too distant, too judgmental, too perfect, stubborn, etc. The ex wife's words were "Why am I broken?? Why doesn't anyone want to be with me?" I told her to get her ass to my house and we'll talk it out.

 

When she arrived I explained to her that she isn't BROKEN. She's a great person who was wired a certain way based on all of her experiences as a kid and as an adult with me. I explained to her I know this because of the stuff I'd been learning about me and how I RUINED our marriage before we were even married. After 9 months of weekly counseling, I've discovered that I'm the worst at instant gratification issues. I was always given what I wanted as a child and if I didn't get it I would manipulate the situation to get it OR I would lie or sneak to get what I wanted anyways. This started at 7 years old. It never got better it got worse as I perfected my methods.

 

In the end of the conversation she said she always wanted to be friends with me and hoped we could be. She also took it upon herself to make sure under no certain terms that we are JUST friends and even said "we can't go back".

 

 

Here's what I know:

• I don't ever want to go back to the way things were. They were horrible and unhealthy.
  
• I've changed. Almost to the point where some people say they hardly recognize me and my personality.
  
• She's changed. She has her own voice and can stand up for herself.
  
• We have different lives and houses now.
  

My problem and what I need help/feedback with is what IF I wanted to try again? Not go back but start fresh and new? My counselor says that's an acceptable question and to give it time. I'm not scheming to get her back. I'm not PINING for. I just want the chance to at least try. I want to bring that up and I'm scared to death she's going to say no to at least considering it. That will hurt. More than most things hurt me these days and I will have to then try to get over it and see if I can be just friends with someone who once told me "It will hurt to see you be the husband and man I always wanted with someone else." and yet won't consider even trying to let me be that with her.

 

 

It's a wall of text, I'm sorry. I did the best I could.

 

 

I also just realized my name is wrong. It should be idiotEXhusband.

Edited July 16, 2015 by IdiotHusband
Formatting issues

[frigginlost]

I just spent the last 45 minutes typing my post to have it lost. I'll try again. If this seems cold or abrupt it's because I need to get this out of my head and on "paper".

 

 

Facts: My ex wife and I were married for almost 20 years (Married at 21 years old). We have 2 kids. One in college, One in middle school.

 

 

History: I was HORRIBLE husband to my wife in many different ways for a long period of the marriage. In the end, I realized this and was trying to work on being a better person but in doing so I was in a huge storm of turmoil and guilt. She was off in her life pursuing a career and knowledge that really fit her after 16 years of being a stay at home wife. Things in the end spiraled down to the point where I said some things and told her things that while not trying to hurt her did. I was trying to explain just how horrible of a person I had been and how I was working hard on not ever being that guy again but it felt like it was too little too late. It was.

 

I take 95% of the blame for the marriage and my counselor who I've been seeing for 9 months on a weekly basis says it's really more 50/50. I wanted to try counseling before the divorce and she wouldn't. It hurt me that she was "done". 5 mediation sessions later, the divorce finalized in May 2015. I never wanted to see her or speak to her again unless it had to do with the kids or our dog. It worked. I just bought my own house in June. I'm sort of dating (that's a whole other post). I had the kids and called her to say we we're going out to eat and then they would be coming over for her week. She was upset and I could tell. I thought it was at me since it was a late start to go to dinner. It wasn't she said it was fine while I could hear her sniffling. I thought "this isn't your problem she's a big girl." and put it behind me..well for 20 minutes which is a record for me.

 

I had an out of body experience where I texted her, "I don't know what's wrong but something is up. If you want to talk about it and haven't got anyone else to talk to I will try and listen." Even now, it's hard to fathom I did that.

 

She responded that she would like to take me up on it and later that night she came over. We drank a beer on my new patio. She told me her significant other was "Done" and they were breaking up. All the while she's crying and I'm handing her tissues. I calm her down and talk to her and let her give all the details that are STABBING ME emotionally but a long time ago I swore I would carry the burden of the pain I gave her by always making sure to never give her anymore pain or heartache.

 

She went home and the next day I found myself texting her again, "How you doing?" She called me sobbing that it's confirmed they're done and her SO had said things that hurt her that I had said about her in the past. She's too distant, too judgmental, too perfect, stubborn, etc. The ex wife's words were "Why am I broken?? Why doesn't anyone want to be with me?" I told her to get her ass to my house and we'll talk it out.

 

When she arrived I explained to her that she isn't BROKEN. She's a great person who was wired a certain way based on all of her experiences as a kid and as an adult with me. I explained to her I know this because of the stuff I'd been learning about me and how I RUINED our marriage before we were even married. After 9 months of weekly counseling, I've discovered that I'm the worst at instant gratification issues. I was always given what I wanted as a child and if I didn't get it I would manipulate the situation to get it OR I would lie or sneak to get what I wanted anyways. This started at 7 years old. It never got better it got worse as I perfected my methods.

 

In the end of the conversation she said she always wanted to be friends with me and hoped we could be. She also took it upon herself to make sure under no certain terms that we are JUST friends and even said "we can't go back".

 

 

Here's what I know:

• I don't ever want to go back to the way things were. They were horrible and unhealthy.
  
• I've changed. Almost to the point where some people say they hardly recognize me and my personality.
  
• She's changed. She has her own voice and can stand up for herself.
  
• We have different lives and houses now.
  

My problem and what I need help/feedback with is what IF I wanted to try again? Not go back but start fresh and new? My counselor says that's an acceptable question and to give it time. I'm not scheming to get her back. I'm not PINING for. I just want the chance to at least try. I want to bring that up and I'm scared to death she's going to say no to at least considering it. That will hurt. More than most things hurt me these days and I will have to then try to get over it and see if I can be just friends with someone who once told me "It will hurt to see you be the husband and man I always wanted with someone else." and yet won't consider even trying to let me be that with her.

 

 

It's a wall of text, I'm sorry. I did the best I could.

 

 

I also just realized my name is wrong. It should be idiotEXhusband.

 

First off, congratulations on all your work figuring out who and what you are. Fantastic job! You should be so damn proud of yourself.

 

Ex-wives are a tricky, tricky, thing. I was married for close to 20 years myself, and there was an absolute ton of things I did wrong during the marriage. It took a while for me to figure it all out. My ex and I are as thick as thieves now. The love we have for each other will never die... it's just a different kind of love now. I wanted to get back together with her at the 2 year mark of the divorce, but she was just not there. She loved the fact that we were still friends, but was adamant that it would remain that way. I accepted it, and remained friends with her. A year later, she wanted to try again. Unfortunately, I had moved on by then. Still, to this day, we talk once a week, and are extremely tight. She is head over heals for the guy she is with, and I could not be happier for her. He's a great guy that adores her.

 

My best advice would be, to follow her lead right now, but continue to move forward in your life. Keep doing what you're doing as the path you have chosen to improve yourself is exemplary. It is true, that if things are meant to be, they will be... but you can never force them...

 

Best Wishes!

[TerraIncognita]

I think exes are exes for a reason.

 

Of course after so many years together there will always be some degree of concern for each other's well being, it's no wonder you care about her. But starting anew? I don't know.