Still have strong feelings for my ex... I can't move on! ( be kind!)

[Keira1231]

Hello all - I'm a newcomer here so please be kind!

 

To give a brief history of my situation;

Was seeing my ex for a few months. Pretty intense relationship in that we both fell for each other very quickly and it progressed very quickly.

He is a bit younger than me and was immature. When we got together, he had plans to go traveling for a year. This caused a problem for me and truth be told, I let it worry me and in turn, put pressure on him. He;s not the most emotionally mature either. As a combination of the above, he broke up with me.

 

So a few months later he goes traveling. A few months into his travels, I decide to message him. At first I'm genuinely interested in his traveling and how its going.

 

Our conversations progress - we discuss our relationship a bit (we both agree timing was poor and the main factor in the breakup).

 

For the past several months, we speak every day. our messages are continuous and friendly. He will be moving back to the city I now live in, and I am able to help him with the career he wants, so it is likely we will meet up after he gets back.

 

HOWEVER, I found out a few months ago, by upright asking him, that he has a girlfriend. They are traveling separately and so haven't seen each other for months, though she will also be moving to my city (I think she has planned to arrive the same time as him).

 

I was distraught, even though I had been with someone since our breakup, I have never found anything serious, yet he claims things are serious with this girl. I have never fully moved on - I'm so stubborn, I just don't seem to be able to.

 

I'm confused by his actions too - if he is so serious about this girl, why does he text me so often? is there anything significant in the drunk texting?

I went for a week without messaging him, and he sent me a drunk text upset that I hadn't messaged him.

If I go anything more than a few days without contacting him, he gets upset. But he will never initiate contact it seems.

He texts me anytime he gets drunk - friendly texts and often reminiscing about our past. I told him when I was seeing someone, and he told me he didn't like talking about it.

 

Recently, things have taken a sexual undertone (we had a great sex life, but it's not something I had talked about previously).

 

In an ideal world, I want to have another shot at it with him. I feel things ended prematurely because of timing.

 

I know its unfair, but I hate his new girlfriend, because the main reason she is able to be with him, is purely because timing worked in her favor better. I am hoping that when she moves back, the reality of being with her regularly will make him loose interest in her (though I know its a long shot).

 

It's so hard to pull away from him at this stage, because I know he still has feelings for me, to an extent.

 

At the moment, I am thinking that I should wait until we meet up again - maybe seeing him again in person will clarify things? If I still have feelings for him, my plan was to tell him and explain why I couldn't see him anymore.

 

I feel ashamed for not being able to get over him, despite us ending over a year ago. And I feel ashamed for having feelings for someone with a girlfriend, and actively wishing for something that will inevitably cause her the same pain I experienced. To the extent I haven't been able to tell anyone.

 

Thoughts please?

 

Telling me to get over him will probably not work right now - I have been willing myself to move on for over a year!

[Satu]

Mentally and emotionally healthy people don't *hate* anyone.

 

*Hate* is *pathology.*

 

 

You won't be able to move on until some time after you cut contact.

 

 

 

Take care.

[Keira1231]

I suppose it's not hate - I don't know her, I've never met her and I know she hasn't done anything wrong.

 

But I guess it's just intense jealousy - that if only timing had lined up better, I'd be experiencing the relationship she is now enjoying.

 

I did the no contact thing for months, I even started seeing someone else, but my feelings haven't changed at all it seems.

[jen1447]

Exes can be friends, but there have to be clear and absolute boundaries, and they really need to be over each other before the friendship can genuinely blossom. And there can be no ulterior motives for reconciliation. If there are, you're not friends, you're potentially reconciling exes - two totally different animals.

 

I think you masqueraded in the friend category while obvs you were hoping for a reconciliation. So it's sort of a definition of terms snafu - no productive discussion can happen when two ppl are assigning different meanings to the same terms, and likewise no productive personal interaction can happen when two ppl are after sth they either don't understand, aren't defining clearly, or aren't in agreement about.

 

As to your specifics ....I'm sorry but I think the only think that'll actually help you is to cut ties with him. It's obvs your not friend material or even in an emotional space to effectively be friends, and romantically he's already otherwise aligned. That means it's essentially hopeless for you unless you want to fight some weird battle where you want to steal him back from his new girl. That's a fool's game (no offense) bc even if you succeed the prize will be tarnished and nothing to be proud about, and more likely you'll go down in ashes and end up an even more victimized, bitter person for it.

 

I'd wish him all the best and tell him you need to go your separate ways, then focus on healing and eventually your life will open back up for you again. Right now you're just prolonging the pain.