For the unfaithful among us

[TMCM]

1. Validate. My FUW [former unfaithful wife ] was constantly invalidating me. It didn't matter how I felt or what I thought, rather it was why I wasn't feeling or thinking how she saw I "OUGHT" to. Even after D-day. I was already so unsure of myself in every aspect - my judgement, my powers of observation, my manhood and sexuality - that I was particularly vulnerable to this sort of manipulation. For example, I actually believed that I was responsible for my wife's A. In fact, I deserved it because I was so unable to be what she needed.

 

The fact is, we have to be honest as to who we are. My FUW gave me the distinct impression that she did not love me, but loved what I should be.

 

2. Forgiveness. I see a lot of FUS [former unfaithful spouses] who can bleat on the one hand "I've made a mistake, I'm only human. Forgive me!", yet on the other hand they are so unforgiving of their BS's actions which may have caused or contributed to the marital chasm. The fact is, if you want your spouse to forgive you, you must forgive them for the pre-A factors.

 

Recognize your spouse is human. Sure, you've made a mistake - you don't want to be crucified for it. Well, don't expect your cuckolded H to be perfect. Allow him the same latitude for mistakes - and learning from them - that you want for yourself.

 

3. Amends. You have committed a grievous injury to your family, but especially to your spouse. You have robbed them of their world, treated them like an inferior, and trampled over their esteem, emotions and self-worth. Sorry isn't enough. "Let's just get on with our lives" isn't, either.

 

Your spouse has lost that time you were in the A forever. There is no "do over". You owe them for that loss.

 

That's not to to say "sorry", or to want to build a better future. The key is to recognize that you must make up for this injury you've caused. You have to "make right" the wrong you've committed.

 

4. Emotional Needs. Chances are, if you were unhappy in your M, your spouse was, too, only they didn't have an A to meet those unfulfilled needs. They were waiting, hoping, praying that you'd do it. They probably would've died for the chance to fill your needs, too - if only they knew what they were.

 

My FUW expected me to intuitively know her needs had changed after childbirth, and to know what they were and how to fill them. When I didn't, she'd nag, cajole, and hector me. When I tried to talk about my needs, they were dismissed (invalidation again).

 

The trick is to recognize that we do change over our lives, and that we can't expect our spouses to have psychic foreknowledge.

 

But, what about your H's needs? Do you honestly think you were meeting his? Or, was it his job to meet yours first? In other words, are you the primary taker and expect him to be the primary giver?

 

As your spouse has an obligation to meet your needs, you have to meet theirs, too.

 

5. Sex. Your spouse is very likely feeling like the inferior in this department. After all, you chose OP over them, so they must be, right? If not, reassure them. Rebuild their self esteem. Show them that they are more desirable than OP, better, and more rewarding. And, take more interest in your spouse's sexual fulfillment.

 

However, perhaps it was something that can't be recreated or bettered with the spouse. What then? My FUW confessed how much better the sex was with OM (amazing!), how he was bigger and more talented, and how she'd never had anything like it before. Great - how do I compete with that?

 

6. "Winning" vs "Settling". Don't for a minute let your betrayed think that you are settling for them over OP. If you're making the "big sacrifice" of your soulmate for the sake of your kids, or your spouse, parents, or even the community at large - don't. As betrayed, we only get one life to live, too, and we don't want to waste it with someone who'd rather be somewhere else, with someone else.

 

 

TMCM

[ThumbingMyWay]

excellent post!

[DazednConfused]

Wow.

 

That's it. just Wow.

 

-Dazed

[phillygirl63]

Great post!

 

One other thing I'd like to add, as a betrayed spouse, is that the "unfaithful partner" needs to be as honest and forthright as possible once the affair is known. My husband did not want to tell me the nitty gritty details of the affair. And most of the time I did not want to know, however, there were moments when I wanted to know all. EVERYTHING that transpired and how it all started, etc., etc., Through therapy, my husband learned that while he may not want to tell me certain things because it made him feel uncomfortable, that it was necessary for him to answer my questions and to share information that I wanted. I left no stone unturned! And boy, sometimes it was incredibly painful and brutal, but it was refreshing to feel that he was, for once in a long time, being completely honest with me. It's been a few years since the affair, and I must say that our marriage is the best it's EVER been. I would not wish an affair on any marriage, but I must say that once we realized that we wanted to truly grow old together, we really worked on the marriage (with the help of a marriage therapist) and things are great! I wish all of you betrayed spouses happiness in your own life and the realization that while you may have contributed to an unhappy marriage you were in NO WAY RESPONSIBLE for the lies and deception from your spouse. Also, I really wish all of you unfaithful spouses the courage to finally admit to yourself the pain you are inflicting on the person you promised to love and honor and that you stop what you are doing immediately. If you truly want out of the marriage, leave. If you don't, grow up and become the man/woman your children think you are.

[only1life]

TMCM - Well said! Bravo!

 

phillygirl63 - Thanks for the ego boost! Us betrayed folk need a lot of it to get on with our lives!

[Cis]

You've opened my eyes...

 

This is what I must "get" and demonstrate to my husband.... and I will be forever grateful for your clear articulation.

 

I've always be judgemental - and it's cost me every romantic relationship I've ever had. I pray that I can accept my husband (foibles and all) just as I'm asking him to accept me.

 

TCMC - you are the best and deserve all that you seek and more.

 

Cis

[wanting to heal]

That was the best post I have read.

 

I am healing well from my wife one night stand. It was not an affair, so it is easier to get over. Not easy, just easier.

 

She has done most of those steps you mention, and that is why we are doing well. My fears are subsiding and my confidence is returning. Counseling has helped, but our every other night talks work best. We are going over the HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS book in those sessions, one chapter at a time.

 

Now we need a post from the cheated on that tells us the best way to cope. The thing is- If the cheater does not understand your post then it really would not matter. The cheater holds the cards, often the cheated on either quits or continues in misery.

 

By the way, where to you find an "infidelity to english" dictionary. I do not know what some of the abbreviations mean.

[TMCM]

Thank you all for your comments.

 

Sadly, my first marriage did not survive. I found out that my then W had other affairs and did not stop having them even after I discovered her double life. I've since remarried to a wonderful woman who was previously married [ironically] to a male version of my xW. Fortunately, for my daughters, my xW has finally acknowledged her demons, has gotten therapy and is now a much healthier and happier woman [and a better mother] than she was when we were married. Life is good.

 

TMCM

[ecco]

Hats off to you, fantastic post

 

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.

[RecordProducer]

You know,

 

1. The Other Person (Ee.g. OW) will always say "If she was such a great wife, he wouldn't have cheated on her! She is a bitch, she didn't give him sex, and neglected him!" The OW truly believes that her MM is a victim. Or she is for loving him so bad. So the wife is a bitch for standing in her way.

 

2. The betrayed spouse will always say "I am the victim! Cheating is not allowed under any circumstances. " (divorce is also not allowed cuz the one who initiates the divorce is a bitch/ass as well)

 

3. The cheating spouse will, naturally, say "If you were a better spouse, I wouldn't have cheated on you. And you can't tell me I could have divorced you, because we have kids, cars, a house, etc. But you were mean to me and neglected me so I had to do it to prove myself that I was desired by someone. You previously ruined my self-esteem. Therefore I'm the victim!"

 

There are social beliefs that find the betrayed spouse as the "good guy" and the cheater and the OP as "bad guys." But in fact, they all can be good or bad in their own way. There are many reasons for cheating, but one of them is very common:

THE CHEATER DOESN'T LOVE HIS OR HER SPOUSE.

[BrotherAaron]

Anyone willing to let themselves believe that they are the victim of any situation is setting themselves up to be victimized and make destructive situations. Calling yourself a victim of a situation you have control of is a rationalization, as is making excuses about why it happened. If you've cheated, then you've made a piss-poor decision, and should take responsibility for your own actions.

[wanting to heal]

Cheating is a piss poor descison, I agree. I have made poor descisions before in my life, but none that cost me my long term self esteem or earned me a scarlet letter. I learned something from "Very Remorseful"'s post.

 

I was in the "holier that thou" mode for a while. That gave me power back. When the cheater truly wants to make amends and you feel that cheating was out of character for them, it does become the choice of the betrayed to go on. You have to read your partner.

 

I have chosen to go on. I do not want to label my wife a "cheater" for the rest of her life. I don't want to see myself as a victim for the rest of my life.

 

I just want to go on with my life. Sure, if the signs appear again I will be very vocal. Honesty and openness is the only answer. If honesty and communication die you will be there again.

[TUDOR]

Great post TMCM!! Very insightful!!!