SSJROMANCE Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 (edited) Before I had met my wife she had slept with many guys on the first or second date. I did not know this until after we were married. I asked specifically about her past before marriage and she had lied. Of course I am extremely upset about this but there is one in particular I am devastated about. After about 2 years of dating (about her longest relationship she had ever had) I broke up with her. She says I was the love of her life and all the guys before me didn't come close. We got back together 6 weeks later and eventually got married. I told her I would get back together with her as long as she hadn't been with anybody else during our breakup. She said of course not. Well I find out she lied. Only after about a week being broke up she gave her phone number out to a guy at a bar. He called her some days later and asked to meet her out. She agreed. He came back to her house stayed the night and had sex 4 different times throughout the night - some unprotected sex. She said she told him no at first but then agreed. She was a full participant asking him to initially to wear a rubber and even performed oral sex on him. She denies she was a participant. How can that be? The problem I have besides that this happened is that she said she didn't want any of this. She said she wasn't looking for a boyfriend. She said she didn't want him. She said she wanted him to go away. She said she told him over and over she wasn't over me. She said she didn't want him to come back to her house. She said she didn't want him to stay. She said she didn't want to have sex. She said he was controlling and felt controlled by him. She had plenty of opportunities to get rid of him and even not meet him at all but she failed to do any of it. I know my wife has low self-esteem issues and insecurities and people pleasing issues but I reject these excuses for what happened. If she really wasn't looking for a boyfriend and didn't want this person then insecurities and low self esteem shouldn't come into play correct? Maybe she met him out because of her people pleasing issues but to allow everything else to happen against her will is beyond people pleasing. Having sex with a stranger only because he wanted to but she didn't I cannot wrap my mind around. In my opinion her story of not wanting him doesn't fit her actions and behavior that night and our marriage is suffering. Even though it's been so long ago I never wanted to marry a person who was capable of these things especially considering my background which is completely the opposite. I would have more respect for her if she just said I wanted to have sex that night but she continues to deny that and continues to say she didn't want any of it to happen. Who thinks she is telling the truth and who thinks she just doesn't want to admit she played more of a role in this than she is admitting to me. We are seeing a marriage counselor but it's just not working. At the last appointment he said sometimes women just cannot explain why they did what they did. I reject that answer. Edited July 16, 2015 by SSJROMANCE Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Based on this story along with others, I really think the best thing you can do is just divorce her. You need peace, and sh needs the chance to find someone who can love her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 If she is loyal and faithful to you, you should count your blessings. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 You sound a little uptight, and I suspect that's affecting her ability to be honest with you. To be clear, if I read this correctly, she's never actually cheated on you. She's just had relations prior to you and during your break that you don't approve of. (I think the only 'issue' she had during your break was the need for sexual satisfaction, which - news flash - women don't have to apologize for.) BUT, I'll try to look at this from your POV, which is just that you have major incompatibilities here. Bc of that you should probably re-evaluate the marriage. Ask yourself honestly if you can live with her past and her sexual autonomy, and if you can't, do the both of you a favor and let her go. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 You sound a little uptight, and I suspect that's affecting her ability to be honest with you. To be clear, if I read this correctly, she's never actually cheated on you. She's just had relations prior to you and during your break that you don't approve of. (I think the only 'issue' she had during your break was the need for sexual satisfaction, which - news flash - women don't have to apologize for.) BUT, I'll try to look at this from your POV, which is just that you have major incompatibilities here. Bc of that you should probably re-evaluate the marriage. Ask yourself honestly if you can live with her past and her sexual autonomy, and if you can't, do the both of you a favor and let her go. While I agree with you in general, the problem here is she has never been honest to direct questions. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SSJROMANCE Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 (edited) To my knowledge she has never cheated on me but that's not the point ALTHOUGH the feeling seems the same as she is not the person she led me to believe she was. The point is who is she really? If it was sexual desires she refuses to admit that and to the contrary says she didn't want sex from ANY of the previous guys. If she is capable of these things from the past what is she capable of doing in the future? Does she have the same issue's today that led her to be so loose in the past? Just a few years back I busted her having inappropriate private chats to other men. She covered them up, deleted many of the posts and lied to me 4 times when confronted. I think if I don't understand her past how can I feel comfortable about the future? Edited July 16, 2015 by SSJROMANCE Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Like I said earlier, based on the OP I really think that the two of you may be better off apart. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 You probably should not have asked about her past, and she should not have lied about it. She probably knew you were judgmental but liked you so didn't want you to break up with her over something that would not matter in the future. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SSJROMANCE Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 Every man or woman has the right to know about the past of a potential mate. No one wants to marry a whore for obvious reasons. If that doesn't bother you then by all means go for it. But the past of a potential spouse says a lot about the type of person they are. Yes she felt that she couldn't tell me but by doing so she took my future into her own hands. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Every man or woman has the right to know about the past of a potential mate. No one wants to marry a whore for obvious reasons. If that doesn't bother you then by all means go for it. But the past of a potential spouse says a lot about the type of person they are. Yes she felt that she couldn't tell me but by doing so she took my future into her own hands. Are you calling your wife a whore? I think if you're at that point, it's best for everyone concerned to call it quits. 23 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 (edited) Every man or woman has the right to know about the past of a potential mate. *No one wants to marry a whore for obvious reasons. If that doesn't bother you then by all means go for it. But the past of a potential spouse says a lot about the type of person they are. Yes she felt that she couldn't tell me but by doing so she took my future into her own hands. Your use of the word *whore* within a conversation about your wife, says a lot about you. Edited July 16, 2015 by Satu 16 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Every man or woman has the right to know about the past of a potential mate. No, they haven't, not unless there's some medical issue. Otherwise, to be frank, it's none of anyone's damn business but the person's themselves. What makes you think you have the right? The reason you don't have that right is for the very reason you expound here. you're being judgemental. She's damned either way, isn't she? Damned if she had told you the truth, and damned because she lied. And I suspect she lied because she knew how critical you would be. Nobody likes to be held in such contempt by someone they love. No one wants to marry a whore for obvious reasons. Woah!! is that the opinion you hold of your wife? That because she had a high sex drive and had relations with other guys - while she wasn't with you - she's a 'whore'...? Really??!? If that doesn't bother you then by all means go for it. But the past of a potential spouse says a lot about the type of person they are. So, would you rather evaluate her on the basis of the few times she was with other guys, or the time she has been a loving and affectionate spouse to you? Yes she felt that she couldn't tell me but by doing so she took my future into her own hands. No, don't blame her for your judgemental prejudices. And the reason counselling isn't working, is that you are too biased against her to open that possibility. Do her a big favour and set her free. 14 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SSJROMANCE Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 All I am looking for is if I am the only one who thinks what she is telling me is a bunch of BS. How can someone who claims she was devastated with the breakup wasn't looking for another boyfriend didn't want this guy around yet everything she DID that night pointed to her wanting to be with this guy. How is this possible? If I didn't want to be with someone especially after a breakup I would not have given my number out I would not have met her at a bar I would not have invited her over I would not have let her stay the night I would not have allowed her to sleep in my bed and I would NOT have had sex. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 All I am looking for is if I am the only one who thinks what she is telling me is a bunch of BS. How can someone who claims she was devastated with the breakup wasn't looking for another boyfriend didn't want this guy around yet everything she DID that night pointed to her wanting to be with this guy. How is this possible? If I didn't want to be with someone especially after a breakup I would not have given my number out I would not have met her at a bar I would not have invited her over I would not have let her stay the night I would not have allowed her to sleep in my bed and I would NOT have had sex. It really doesn't matter whether she is giving you a bunch of BS or not. You won't believe her in any case, and your critical manner has basically nailed the coffin in your marriage. you will never respect her, forgive her, understand her, believe her or have faith in her ever again. She deserves better. File for divorce. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SSJROMANCE Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 TaraMaiden2 - I couldn't disagree with you more. She could have told me "it's none of your dam business" and thus at the point I would have dumped her. Nobody hurt. Remember I didn't ask AFTER we were marriage I asked her within the first couple weeks of dating. Then I asked her before we got back together. It's my right to ask and it's her obligation to either tell the truth or refuse to answer allowing me to make my own decision NOT for her to make my decision for me. And what's this judgmental stuff you are talking about? If she had slept with 5000 guys I'm not suppose to judge her on that? Are you kidding me? Why do you think she lied? She didn't want to be judged and I can see why. She claims she had NO sex drive until she met me. That's why a lot of this doesn't make sense. All I want is the truth. I don't think I am getting the truth. The story doesn't fit what she said happened if that makes sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 TaraMaiden2 - I couldn't disagree with you more. She could have told me "it's none of your dam business" and thus at the point I would have dumped her. Like I said, damned if she did, damned if she didn't. You've really wrapped this up nicely, haven't you? Nobody hurt. Remember I didn't ask AFTER we were marriage I asked her within the first couple weeks of dating. Then I asked her before we got back together. It's my right to ask and it's her obligation to either tell the truth or refuse to answer allowing me to make my own decision NOT for her to make my decision for me. I still don't get what makes you think you have the right. As I said, unless it's a medical condition, the question should never have passed your lips. What matters is now, not then. And what's this judgmental stuff you are talking about? If she had slept with 5000 guys I'm not suppose to judge her on that? Are you kidding me? Why do you think she lied? She didn't want to be judged and I can see why. Why do you feel you have any right to judge her, no matter how many guys she's been with? She's not been unfaithful... has she been a bad wife? She claims she had NO sex drive until she met me. That's why a lot of this doesn't make sense. All I want is the truth. I don't think I am getting the truth. The story doesn't fit what she said happened if that makes sense. If you don't think you'll be able to cope with what you'll hear, you really should just keep mum and let dormant canines maintain their position.... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Why do you think she lied? As has been alluded to here many times already, quite possibly bc you can't handle the truth. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SSJROMANCE Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 Like I said, damned if she did, damned if she didn't. You've really wrapped this up nicely, haven't you? >>> Nothing is wrapped up. I still don't get what makes you think you have the right. As I said, unless it's a medical condition, the question should never have passed your lips. What matters is now, not then. >>> I don't understand what you don't understand about wanting to know the type of person I was about to marry. This is quite a simple concept. Why does an employer want to know if you have prior felony convictions? I suppose you don't understand that either. Why do you feel you have any right to judge her, no matter how many guys she's been with? She's not been unfaithful... has she been a bad wife? >>> I don't know if she has been unfaithful. There is no trust in this relationship. If you don't think you'll be able to cope with what you'll hear, you really should just keep mum and let dormant canines maintain their position.... >>> Thanks for commenting on everything BUT my original question. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SSJROMANCE Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 As has been alluded to here many times already, quite possibly bc you can't handle the truth. Ok what I think you are saying is that she is full of **** because she doesn't think I can handle the truth. Thanks for the feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Ok what I think you are saying is that she is full of **** because she doesn't think I can handle the truth. Thanks for the feedback. You're starting to sound like a bit of a scary person, frankly. I'm more concerned for her than you at this point. 20 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Ok what I think you are saying is that she is full of **** because she doesn't think I can handle the truth. Thanks for the feedback. So where did you get the info that refutes what she told you about that night - that she was an unwilling participant? Did you actually speak to the guy she slept with? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Ok what I think you are saying is that she is full of **** because she doesn't think I can handle the truth. Thanks for the feedback. The way you speak about her makes it easy to see that you don't really love her: "Whore." "Full of ****." If you loved her you wouldn't speak about her like that. Take a good look at yourself. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Just a few years back I busted her having inappropriate private chats to other men. She covered them up, deleted many of the posts and lied to me 4 times when confronted. I think if I don't understand her past how can I feel comfortable about the future? If the above is true, on these grounds alone you should be questioning what you can do to repair your marriage. Something isn't right. Everyone feels differently about life before you met. While younger than me, my wife was more adventuresome sexually than I was (I was married previously) going into our relationship. There was a threesome, ONS or two and a few other things I know about only because she volunteered them in passing. I'd guess she was comfortable volunteering because she knew I wouldn't judge and couldn't care less as long as she's a "loose wife" with me ... Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 So basically you broke up, and she handled it differently than you. She slept with someone else and you didn't. Granted, she lied to you about what happened WHEN YOU WERE BROKEN UP, but frankly, the way you seem to talk and act, I'd probably lie to you as well. The fact of the matter is, what are you going to do now? You broke up and she slept with someone else. If you can't move past that, then you shouldn't be together. If you're looking for someone to say she shouldn't have slept with someone when you broke up and lied about it........then sure. It shouldn't have happened. Based on what you wanted. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Re-reading what you titled this thread ("Loose Wife?") I think you need to not be in a relationship with this woman. I have grave concerns about where it might go. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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