Jonp219 Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 By the way it's SSJ. Those are the initials of the three guys she had one night stands with while dating her second boyfriend of 3 years. Just a little trivia Why you made this woman your wife is beyond me... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) By the way it's SSJ. Those are the initials of the three guys she had one night stands with while dating her second boyfriend of 3 years. Just a little trivia Are you referring to men before you met When she was dating someone else or when you were broken up? Serious? Wtf? Are you seriously using these men's initials as your handle here? What do you hope to gain by this? The sex was 17 years ago....the online flirting was 2 years ago....and you are still this angry and spiteful? Divorce her...she is making you sick, G Edited July 17, 2015 by Grumpybutfun 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SSJROMANCE Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Why you made this woman your wife is beyond me... Simple. I asked her all the right questions - she gave me all the right answers. But after we got married I found out most of he answers to be lies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SSJROMANCE Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Are you referring to men before you met When she was dating someone else or when you were broken up? Serious? Wtf? Are you seriously using these men's initials as your handle here? What do you hope to gain by this? The sex was 17 years ago....the online flirting was 2 years ago....and you are still this angry and spiteful? Divorce her...she is making you sick, G LOL. Let's just say that after awhile I had to start having a little fun with it. I hope this little trivia also helps those who think that a woman's past is none of my business. If she can have 3 one night stands while dating her boyfriend of 3 years a one night stand a week after our breakup and a few others yes I have a REAL CONCERN about her behavior. But I'm suppose to ignore that according to some folks on these boards. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Simple. I asked her all the right questions - she gave me all the right answers. But after we got married I found out most of he answers to be lies. Is this all you can see? That you thought you had a wife with no sex partners and she had had many and lied to you about them so you now think she is a loose woman and a whore? You can't see your family, your life together, every holiday or great moment? You can only see what she did when she was admittedly full of self esteem issues and depression, and you can't forgive an forget the mother of your children because she can't explain why she was a horny young woman sufficiently to you? G 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 LOL. Let's just say that after awhile I had to start having a little fun with it. I hope this little trivia also helps those who think that a woman's past is none of my business. If she can have 3 one night stands while dating her boyfriend of 3 years a one night stand a week after our breakup and a few others yes I have a REAL CONCERN about her behavior. But I'm suppose to ignore that according to some folks on these boards. Has she had physical affairs on you in 17 years of marriage? G Link to post Share on other sites
Author SSJROMANCE Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Lesson one: You do not date women who cheated on their ex. Once you knew this about her, you should not have considered her for anything other than a little fun on the side. Lesson two: Never date a liar. Once you start catching your partner in one lie after another, that relationship is done. If she is lying about all the guys she banged before you were together, she may just easily lie about how many guys she is banging now that you are together. You will begin to question everything she says, and rightfully so. Lesson three: Make sure you give them a polygraph test because like I said I didn't know ANY of this until after we were married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SSJROMANCE Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Is this all you can see? That you thought you had a wife with no sex partners and she had had many and lied to you about them so you now think she is a loose woman and a whore? You can't see your family, your life together, every holiday or great moment? You can only see what she did when she was admittedly full of self esteem issues and depression, and you can't forgive an forget the mother of your children because she can't explain why she was a horny young woman sufficiently to you? G No I knew she had partners but there is a difference between 5 and 5000 right? Those aren't the numbers but you know what I mean. Just because I think she acted like a whore and was loose doesn't mean I hate her guts. Before I forgive I need the truth. And like my original post all I wanted was to see if you believed her or agreed with me that her story was a bunch of BS. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SSJROMANCE Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Has she had physical affairs on you in 17 years of marriage? G Who knows. Maybe she'll admit those to her next husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 No I knew she had partners but there is a difference between 5 and 5000 right? Those aren't the numbers but you know what I mean. Just because I think she acted like a whore and was loose doesn't mean I hate her guts. Before I forgive I need the truth. And like my original post all I wanted was to see if you believed her or agreed with me that her story was a bunch of BS. Ok, now it is becoming a bit clearer. First...Please stop referring to the mother of your children as a whore. That is anger talking and it is not helping you. I've been married twenty one years so I'm not like many of these young guys who believe that women suck and don't deserve compassion if they make mistakes. The truth is that she used male attention to build herself up, to make herself feel better because she had severe self esteem issues. Does that make her lying right? No, of course not, but you have to admit that you have very conservative ideas about women's sexuality that she probably knew and she loved you and didn't want to lose you. Once again, do I think this makes it right? No, but attaching a maturity that you think she should possess now 17 years later you are setting her up for failure. It will be impossible for her to explain this in a way that you don't define as crazy and one in which you can accept. I'm not denying she lied and kept things from you and that really was wrong. I'm also not saying that she has any right to flirt online for whatever reason two years ago. What I am saying is that you are focusing on her sexuality when you should be addressing her lies and why she needed to tell them to you. Why did she fear telling you the truth? Can you ever come to accept her as she is or will you continue thinking she is a whore and loose because of stuff that really had nothing to do with you....I slept with lots of women and I haven't even flirted with one since I married my lovely bride. People who enjoy our sexuality aren't morally compromised in marriage. As far as her relationship with her bf, that wasn't you, man. If you can't trust her or can't believe her word anymore, then leave. If she has has sex since marrying you then leave because infidelity in marriage is non negotiable. However, if this is about her coming clean about her past, try to work it out because you have four kids who need their parents whole. Best, G 5 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I couldn't disagree more. If she cannot tell me the truth she is not marriage potential. If she is willing to break trust while dating she is willing to break trust while married. If she is willing to jump into bed with a total stranger that quickly after a breakup what is she willing to do during marriage when the tough gets going? I won't mention the fact that this guy could have had AIDS or some other STD that not only put herself at risk but now MYSELF at risk by lying to me about her unprotected ONS. So all you folks out there thinking it's OK to hide your sexual behavior are probably the ones who are spreading deseases. You're getting a bit dramatic here. If the guy had AIDS or another STD, and she caught it, you'd know by now. 'She is not marriage potential'. But you married her! Smh. As for the 'tough gets going'; sounds like that ship has docked. I will ask ONE more time, what has happened recently to cause you to dredge up the past? How does your wife feel about your inability to forgive? You realize she will end up cheating on you? I wouldn't blame her one bit. No one is saying it's okay to hide your sexual behavior, but it's certainly not a requirement to go into great detail about your past with a new partner. One can usually determine another's behavior in that department by how they conduct the rest of their life. And people do stupid things in their youth. Can you tell us anything, ONE thing, about your wife that led you to marry her? ATM, it sounds like you don't, and never have, even liked her!! How old are your children? Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I feel ya, man. My ex wife was probably a pathological liar. She was sooo smooth and so good at lying. I just never questioned what she said because there was no reason to. I was lucky to have found out about her lies about a year after we were married. I can only imagine how angry you are after such a long marriage being based on lies. You surely question everything she has ever told you over the years. Eff that. I'd end things over the lies more than anything. I feel for you too. My ex was so good at lying, I think he believed his own lies!! But, as you found out, these things surface relatively quickly. Good for you for getting out so early. I agree about ending things, but not just for the lies. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Lesson three: Make sure you give them a polygraph test because like I said I didn't know ANY of this until after we were married. Dayyymn! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Thegameoflife Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 OP, instead of criticizing you, I'll educate you. People think they make decicions with their conscious thoughts, but we don't. Even our conscious thoughts are driven by our subconscious thoughts. Even if you have the ability to alter subconscious thoughts consciously, the will to do so would still manifest in the subconscious mind. In essence, we are not consciously in control. People who seem in control, simply have a mind that has trained itself to be better, in accordance to knowledge of how the mind perceives itself, and betterment of function for ones self. If you understand all of that, the answer is that your wife probably couldn't overcome emotional and physical need, as she has poor self control do to her poor perception of herself. She is likely a victim of subconsciously needing validation of worth, although consciously hating the route to achieve it. It's very possible and likely she actually didn't want sex with the man, but to be happy, her mind needed this to boost chemical levels to be in balance. We see this all the time with people who are comfort eaters that hate being overweight, don't want to eat the chocolate, but do for the quick fix to imbalances in their chemicals. Then they feel guilty and bad about themselves, and the cycle continues. If anything, your wife has poor mental health, and if you now understand, maybe react with empathy and love instead of judging her for not being well. By showing her empathy and understanding, you can actually help her repair herself, and create a stronger individual that will be trustworthy and able to resist actions you don't want her to make. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 This was many years ago an issue that was only buried until recently. Doesn't matter to me how long ago - I still think I deserve a truthful answer. So she has two choices: - confirm she was a willing participant and have you call her a slut - or worse. - Deny it was voluntary and have you call her a liar - or worse. Which one of those helps your marriage ??? Mr. Lucky 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SSJROMANCE Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Ok, now it is becoming a bit clearer. First...Please stop referring to the mother of your children as a whore. That is anger talking and it is not helping you. I've been married twenty one years so I'm not like many of these young guys who believe that women suck and don't deserve compassion if they make mistakes. The truth is that she used male attention to build herself up, to make herself feel better because she had severe self esteem issues. Does that make her lying right? No, of course not, but you have to admit that you have very conservative ideas about women's sexuality that she probably knew and she loved you and didn't want to lose you. Once again, do I think this makes it right? No, but attaching a maturity that you think she should possess now 17 years later you are setting her up for failure. It will be impossible for her to explain this in a way that you don't define as crazy and one in which you can accept. I'm not denying she lied and kept things from you and that really was wrong. I'm also not saying that she has any right to flirt online for whatever reason two years ago. What I am saying is that you are focusing on her sexuality when you should be addressing her lies and why she needed to tell them to you. Why did she fear telling you the truth? Can you ever come to accept her as she is or will you continue thinking she is a whore and loose because of stuff that really had nothing to do with you....I slept with lots of women and I haven't even flirted with one since I married my lovely bride. People who enjoy our sexuality aren't morally compromised in marriage. As far as her relationship with her bf, that wasn't you, man. If you can't trust her or can't believe her word anymore, then leave. If she has has sex since marrying you then leave because infidelity in marriage is non negotiable. However, if this is about her coming clean about her past, try to work it out because you have four kids who need their parents whole. Best, G Trust is the number one issue. That is why I am so hung up on her answer. It doesn't make sense so I see another lie. And if she is lying we will never come to any conclusion and we will never begin to heal. Our trust slowly was climbing out of the abyss until she found it important to destroy it once again with the Facebook deal. We started all over again. I find it interesting that you say "infidelity in marriage is not negotiable". Absolutely. I also find that the rule in a long term relationship as long as there is a mutual understanding. I respected her enough not to have sex with anyone while we were broken up and it was I who called it off. For her to have sex within a week or so after our breakup shows a complete lack of respect of what we had and a "soft" feeling of infidelity for a lack of a better term. It's been a tough road. It's up to her right now on where we will end up. I told her once before I will not tolerate any more lies or coverups. Since she failed to live up to that I don't put a lot of hope on her future choices. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SSJROMANCE Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 You're getting a bit dramatic here. If the guy had AIDS or another STD, and she caught it, you'd know by now. 'She is not marriage potential'. But you married her! Smh. As for the 'tough gets going'; sounds like that ship has docked. I will ask ONE more time, what has happened recently to cause you to dredge up the past? How does your wife feel about your inability to forgive? You realize she will end up cheating on you? I wouldn't blame her one bit. No one is saying it's okay to hide your sexual behavior, but it's certainly not a requirement to go into great detail about your past with a new partner. One can usually determine another's behavior in that department by how they conduct the rest of their life. And people do stupid things in their youth. Can you tell us anything, ONE thing, about your wife that led you to marry her? ATM, it sounds like you don't, and never have, even liked her!! How old are your children? It doesn't matter. She had unprotected sex weeks before we got back together. She put my "life" in danger because of her stupid lies and own agenda. She never took a STD test before getting back together. Her inappropriate Facebook chats behind my back 6 years ago is what brought all of this back to life. I just found out about them some months back. Again I had to bust her on it. "You realize she will end up cheating on you? I wouldn't blame her one bit.". What a ****ty thing to say. If she ends up cheating on me it's going to be her own doing. Her behavior before I met her says it all pal. Your opinions are way off by the way. Of course there are good things about her - I married her. I didn't ask for any of this. I am allowed to be pissed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SSJROMANCE Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 So she has two choices: - confirm she was a willing participant and have you call her a slut - or worse. - Deny it was voluntary and have you call her a liar - or worse. Which one of those helps your marriage ??? Mr. Lucky The truth. That will help the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Trust is the number one issue. That is why I am so hung up on her answer. It doesn't make sense so I see another lie. And if she is lying we will never come to any conclusion and we will never begin to heal. Our trust slowly was climbing out of the abyss until she found it important to destroy it once again with the Facebook deal. We started all over again. I find it interesting that you say "infidelity in marriage is not negotiable". Absolutely. I also find that the rule in a long term relationship as long as there is a mutual understanding. I respected her enough not to have sex with anyone while we were broken up and it was I who called it off. For her to have sex within a week or so after our breakup shows a complete lack of respect of what we had and a "soft" feeling of infidelity for a lack of a better term. It's been a tough road. It's up to her right now on where we will end up. I told her once before I will not tolerate any more lies or coverups. Since she failed to live up to that I don't put a lot of hope on her future choices. Man, that is sad to hear, but if you still think she is covering up infidelity and trust is gone and you have tried therapy....I can only wish you the best. Please take care of those children...they are the most important thing now. Sorry I was of no help, G Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I respected her enough not to have sex with anyone while we were broken up and it was I who called it off. For her to have sex within a week or so after our breakup shows a complete lack of respect of what we had and a "soft" feeling of infidelity for a lack of a better term. For her to have sex within a week of you dumping her has nothing to do with fidelity. It may have been a poor decision, but she was free to do as she chose as soon as YOU dumped HER! You can't impose your rigid standards for having/not having sex on others. Very kind of you to 'respect' someone you broke up with. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SSJROMANCE Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 For her to have sex within a week of you dumping her has nothing to do with fidelity. It may have been a poor decision, but she was free to do as she chose as soon as YOU dumped HER! You can't impose your rigid standards for having/not having sex on others. Very kind of you to 'respect' someone you broke up with. It is the feeling of infidelity. Please let's not get technical here. Sure she had every right. Was it disrespectful? Yes. A one night stand on top of that? You bet. Why didn't she just have a gang bang? That would be OK too right? Sure but what does that say about her? Had I known she was capable of having a one night stand like that I would have never even dated her. That may be seen as OK by some not by me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SSJROMANCE Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Man, that is sad to hear, but if you still think she is covering up infidelity and trust is gone and you have tried therapy....I can only wish you the best. Please take care of those children...they are the most important thing now. Sorry I was of no help, G I appricate your time and advice G. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 It is the feeling of infidelity. Please let's not get technical here. Sure she had every right. Was it disrespectful? Yes. A one night stand on top of that? You bet. Why didn't she just have a gang bang? That would be OK too right? Sure but what does that say about her? Had I known she was capable of having a one night stand like that I would have never even dated her. That may be seen as OK by some not by me. Can I ask one question? How many dates did it take for her to sleep with you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Divorce her & find a virgin to marry. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Why do you do this to yourself? (Think and talk about this). You know you're never going to divorce her so why torture both yourself and her with this? You must enjoy it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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