Loose Wife?

July 17, 2015

Can I ask one question?

How many dates did it take for her to sleep with you?

We saw each other everyday for 6 or so days. It was the 6th or 7th day.

July 17, 2015

Why do you do this to yourself? (Think and talk about this).

You know you're never going to divorce her so why torture both yourself and her with this? You must enjoy it.

I want the truth.

July 17, 2015

Divorce her & find a virgin to marry.

That's not the point and once again someone who hasn't read my original post because otherwise why make that statement? I knew she had been with other guys prior to dating. I knew she wasn't a virgin nor was I.

July 17, 2015

As has been alluded to here many times already, quite possibly bc you can't handle the truth.

Then I guess the foundation of a relationship or marriage should be based on trust with the caveat that you can handle the truth. That makes a lot of sense.

After the Facebook thing she said she was scared to tell me. I said that's no excuse. I told her that's like robbing a bank and being scared to tell the sheriff. Of course you are going to be scared but perhaps maybe you shouldn't be doing those things in the FIRST PLACE? Sorry I used caps - I don't want to scare you.

Edited July 17, 2015 by SSJROMANCE

July 17, 2015

Then I guess the foundation of a relationship or marriage should be based on trust with the caveat that you can handle the truth. That makes a lot of sense.

After the Facebook thing she said she was scared to tell me. I said that's no excuse. I told her that's like robbing a bank and being scared to tell the sheriff. Of course you are going to be scared but perhaps maybe you shouldn't be doing those things in the FIRST PLACE? Sorry I used caps - I don't want to scare you.

Perhaps, but I guess the question now is what's your end game. You keep saying that truth will help the marriage, but it's quite clear that you'll never be able to respect her at this point.

It sounds like she does have self-esteem issues and perhaps has had a lot of sex as a way to deal with those, and you're just never going to be able to have empathy for her. You feel compelled to judge those decisions even as you say you want her to bare her soul to you. I really really really really really doubt that that is going to be a good thing for a person with self-esteem already in the toilet. The reasons why she made the choices she made will never make sense to you and will never be OK with you, and the moment she tries to talk about them you'll judge her. So what is the point of any of that, from her point of view? You're not going to be a safe landing place or a source of calming love. You're just another enemy that she has to hide from.

I don't think the lying is acceptable and it would frustrate and anger me too. But unfortunately, you've got a standoff that is, in part, of your own making. I wouldn't confess to you either, because you're judgmental and cruel. Sure, you have a right to be angry about her lies. You also, IMO, have a right to feel hurt that she slept with someone during a brief breakup (although you don't say why you broke up, I notice, and I suspect that may have bearing here).

But you just can't have it both ways, and you want to, and it's not going to happen. Sorry. You can't have the truth and have her not be the person she is. It won't evaporate if she tells you all for ever and ever. She's got her problems and she knows at this point that you're not the guy to help her through them; you're the guy they have to be hidden from. That's how you've set up your relationship.

She won't tell you the truth because you're not going to be good to her about it, and I agree that her lying to you is clearly not good for you.

That is why people are saying divorce. There isn't another end game here that makes any sense.

I do feel sorry for the kids, and for what they may be learning from all this. You both bear responsibility there.

July 17, 2015

fine, she is a liar, was and will always be. and therefore even if you ask a question today she will ---- lie. or not but you will never know. it is a quirk she has (we all do), some like to exaggerate (i have this issue) others downplay (your W), some are minor others are much worse. and i seriously doubt this will change. therefore:

the ACTUAL question is what are YOU going to do about it.

which goes back to what others have said: D her (she deserves better) and marry a virgin.

Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

July 17, 2015

By the way it's SSJ. Those are the initials of the three guys she had one night stands with while dating her second boyfriend of 3 years. Just a little trivia

Dude, that's not healthy.

July 17, 2015

Don't you think I know all this? It's not a good place to be in. I still haven't heard your opinion on what my post was after. Let me put it this way. If you weren't interested in another relationship what would cause you to give your number out then agree to meet that person then agree to have that person come over then agree to have that person to spend the night then agree to let that person sleep in your bed then agree to have sex all night with that person? Sound crazy right? If she is NOT lying to me what could be going on here? It's very simple. Am I crazy for thinking that what she is telling me sounds crazy?

SSJROMANCE, you say she's insecure and wants to please people. You say that she has very weak boundaries and extremely low self-esteem. Assuming that everything you’re saying is the truth, it explains a lot. Actually, it explains absolutely everything you’ve described her do. Let me try to break it down here:

Remember that part of your story where you said you dumped her? Generally speaking, dumping someone makes them feel lousy about themselves. It can also trigger the deepest insecurities of a person who is (as you mentioned) fundamentally insecure. Even if she loved you deeply, the fact that you dumped her could have left her feeling undesirable. A quick “solution” for that would be for her to jump into bed with a man who desired her. That was what she did.

She subsequently lied to you about it because, by your own admission, you'd indicated to her, in one way or another, that if she engaged in any behavior you considered "loose," your relationship would be over. Maybe she also hated herself for what she did. You’re right: the excuses she gives translate into unwillingness to take responsibility for her actions. Perhaps she finds it easier not to take responsibility for her actions because she doesn’t have the emotional strength to accept herself in all her complexity. That’s plausible if she has low self-esteem. It’s also plausible if she grew up in abusive circumstances. People-pleasing, lying, etc. could be a strategy she adopted to protect herself from somebody’s wrath. It’s not a healthy strategy; it’s not the ideal way to build a relationship. But it probably worked during her childhood and became a core part of her MO for coping with stress in adulthood.

Someone who is a people-pleaser will want to please you, to be liked by you; so she will do all sorts of things to preserve a situation where you like her/love her. Sometimes that means she will lie. It also means that she may need to be loved/ liked by somebody else. And she may end up flirting and getting intimate with that person to please him. I’m not saying that all people with low self-esteem behave in this way. Some do. And she may be among that group.

If you are going to be in a relationship with someone who is immensely insecure, it helps to understand how insecurity influences people’s behavior. Set aside the idealism. The question you should be asking yourself is not “Isn’t she wrong?” or “Isn’t she immoral?” The question you should ask yourself is “Knowing what I know about my wife based on our experiences, are we compatible with each other?” Ask yourself “Can I accept her flaws and live with them on a daily basis, knowing full well what kinds of choices they may influence her to make?” If your answer to those questions is yes, then you work on rebuilding your marriage. If your answer is no, then you let each other go, spend time working on your issues in individual counseling, and decide the way forward. Your choice may ultimately be divorce. If you make that choice from an informed position, so be it. Don’t stay in the relationship unless you really can live with her choices. Because that would be martyrdom, and martyrdom sucks. It results in people hating each other and being angry with each other and feeling insecure with each other (You may actually already be in this place). And that’s no way to live.

July 17, 2015

Dude, that's not healthy.

LOL. In some crazy way it helps me cope. Having unprotected sex during one night stands isn't healthy either. Tell that to my wife.

July 17, 2015

SSJROMANCE, you say she's insecure and wants to please people. You say that she has very weak boundaries and extremely low self-esteem. Assuming that everything you’re saying is the truth, it explains a lot. Actually, it explains absolutely everything you’ve described her do. Let me try to break it down here:

Remember that part of your story where you said you dumped her? Generally speaking, dumping someone makes them feel lousy about themselves. It can also trigger the deepest insecurities of a person who is (as you mentioned) fundamentally insecure. Even if she loved you deeply, the fact that you dumped her could have left her feeling undesirable. A quick “solution” for that would be for her to jump into bed with a man who desired her. That was what she did.

She subsequently lied to you about it because, by your own admission, you'd indicated to her, in one way or another, that if she engaged in any behavior you considered "loose," your relationship would be over. Maybe she also hated herself for what she did. You’re right: the excuses she gives translate into unwillingness to take responsibility for her actions. Perhaps she finds it easier not to take responsibility for her actions because she doesn’t have the emotional strength to accept herself in all her complexity. That’s plausible if she has low self-esteem. It’s also plausible if she grew up in abusive circumstances. People-pleasing, lying, etc. could be a strategy she adopted to protect herself from somebody’s wrath. It’s not a healthy strategy; it’s not the ideal way to build a relationship. But it probably worked during her childhood and became a core part of her MO for coping with stress in adulthood.

Someone who is a people-pleaser will want to please you, to be liked by you; so she will do all sorts of things to preserve a situation where you like her/love her. Sometimes that means she will lie. It also means that she may need to be loved/ liked by somebody else. And she may end up flirting and getting intimate with that person to please him. I’m not saying that all people with low self-esteem behave in this way. Some do. And she may be among that group.

If you are going to be in a relationship with someone who is immensely insecure, it helps to understand how insecurity influences people’s behavior. Set aside the idealism. The question you should be asking yourself is not “Isn’t she wrong?” or “Isn’t she immoral?” The question you should ask yourself is “Knowing what I know about my wife based on our experiences, are we compatible with each other?” Ask yourself “Can I accept her flaws and live with them on a daily basis, knowing full well what kinds of choices they may influence her to make?” If your answer to those questions is yes, then you work on rebuilding your marriage. If your answer is no, then you let each other go, spend time working on your issues in individual counseling, and decide the way forward. Your choice may ultimately be divorce. If you make that choice from an informed position, so be it. Don’t stay in the relationship unless you really can live with her choices. Because that would be martyrdom, and martyrdom sucks. It results in people hating each other and being angry with each other and feeling insecure with each other (You may actually already be in this place). And that’s no way to live.

I think you made a lot of good points and I appreciate your time. I will say that growing up she had a hard time making friends as a kid so I think you are right in the fact that this people pleasing may have formed because of the desire to be liked. If she can't be liked by just doing "normal" things then she may have felt like she had to go OVER THE TOP. In fact she said she is embarrassed at how over the top she was with her Facebook posts after reading them now. That is something she is working on as well as her boundaries.

At this point I have been through so much hurt and pain I really feel we are at the end of the suffering. I feel that this is the last piece that needs to be solved and I will try and validate some of these thoughts with her. Going forward she knows that if she so much as to tell me a white lie that's going to be the last straw. It will be up to her how this ends. I don't have a lot of confidence she will be able to hold that end of the bargain up.

July 17, 2015

Simple. I asked her all the right questions - she gave me all the right answers. But after we got married I found out most of he answers to be lies.

Lesson three: Make sure you give them a polygraph test because like I said I didn't know ANY of this until after we were married.

Why did you wait so long to start your investigation? You don't seem like the sort to let the grass grow under you, particularly when it comes to thoroughly vetting backgrounds.

Then I guess the foundation of a relationship or marriage should be based on trust with the caveat that you can handle the truth. That makes a lot of sense.

After the Facebook thing she said she was scared to tell me. I said that's no excuse. I told her that's like robbing a bank and being scared to tell the sheriff. Of course you are going to be scared but perhaps maybe you shouldn't be doing those things in the FIRST PLACE? Sorry I used caps - I don't want to scare you.

Pretty much confirms my darkest fears.

July 17, 2015

LOL. Let's just say that after awhile I had to start having a little fun with it. I hope this little trivia also helps those who think that a woman's past is none of my business. If she can have 3 one night stands while dating her boyfriend of 3 years a one night stand a week after our breakup and a few others yes I have a REAL CONCERN about her behavior. But I'm suppose to ignore that according to some folks on these boards.

Do you have a little fun with it with your wife? Do you toss it in her face? Does she know you have a screen name like this? How often does this come up in conversation?

July 17, 2015

Why did you wait so long to start your investigation? You don't seem like the sort to let the grass grow under you, particularly when it comes to thoroughly vetting backgrounds.

Pretty much confirms my darkest fears.

I trusted her. I never had a reason NOT to. It wasn't until one day she slipped up about her past and talked about a guy she had sex with - the same guy she told me years ago was strictly platonic. That's when I threw her against the wall punched her in the gut and threatening to kill her family (no that didn't happened but the way you talk to me that's the kind of person you think I am). That's when she spilled the beans and I come to find there was a lot of beans in that can.

Let's address your darkest fears because your attempt to make me look like a monster is failing miserably. Seems to me that perhaps you believe one should be able to betray their marriage without the fear of telling their spouse. That may be true to some extent in an open relationship but not in a normal marriage. If I cheated on my wife you bet I'm going to be scared to tell her. If I took a women out for drinks and loved on her you bet I'm going to be scared to tell her. If I purposely had inappropriate chats with other women behind her back you better believe I'm going to be scared to tell her. If I told her I was a virgin but actually was a stripper, an escort and a pimp you bet I'm going to be scared to tell her.

Why would it be different for her?

July 17, 2015

Going forward she knows that if she so much as to tell me a white lie that's going to be the last straw. It will be up to her how this ends. I don't have a lot of confidence she will be able to hold that end of the bargain up.

And what is your end of the bargain? What will you promise her, in return for her promising you absolute truth?

Will you promise not to say cruel and cutting things about what she tells you? Will you promise not to think less of her? Will you promise not to exacerbate her existing self-esteem problems?

What's your end of the bargain going to be?

No, it's not just up to her how this ends.

July 17, 2015

Why did you wait so long to start your investigation? You don't seem like the sort to let the grass grow under you, particularly when it comes to thoroughly vetting backgrounds.

Pretty much confirms my darkest fears.

And what is your end of the bargain? What will you promise her, in return for her promising you absolute truth?

Will you promise not to say cruel and cutting things about what she tells you? Will you promise not to think less of her? Will you promise not to exacerbate her existing self-esteem problems?

What's your end of the bargain going to be?

No, it's not just up to her how this ends.

I'm not sure I completely understand. I've always told her the truth. I guess you can say I will continue to honor trust in this marriage as long as she does. Is that good? Or how about I won't divorce her if she promises to honor the very foundation of a marriage - trust.

If you are suggesting that I promise not to get angry if she has an affair no of course that's not going to happen. If you are suggesting that I forgive her for making the same mistake twice by having more inappropriate Facebook conversations no of course that's not going to happen.

It is exactly up to her how this will end.

July 17, 2015

. If you weren't interested in another relationship what would cause you to give your number out then agree to meet that person then agree to have that person come over then agree to have that person to spend the night then agree to let that person sleep in your bed then agree to have sex all night with that person? Sound crazy right?

Not really, no.

I've slept with 2 guys that I didn't want to. It was when I was much younger. I felt pressured to do it. I did like the guys, but I didn't want to sleep with them at that point in time. I wanted to get to know them better, but they just kept pushing for it.

I was interested in a relationship with them , but after the extreme pressure I didn't want to see either of them again. I didn't enjoy it at all and I was angry with myself for doing it. I cut them both off after it happened.

So I see how it can happen.

July 17, 2015

Not really, no.

I've slept with 2 guys that I didn't want to. It was when I was much younger. I felt pressured to do it. I did like the guys, but I didn't want to sleep with them at that point in time. I wanted to get to know them better, but they just kept pushing for it.

I was interested in a relationship with them , but after the extreme pressure I didn't want to see either of them again. I didn't enjoy it at all and I was angry with myself for doing it. I cut them both off after it happened.

So I see how it can happen.

Thanks Sandy. That is the constructive feedback that I really need. Thanks for listening and getting right to the point. Much appreciated!!!

July 17, 2015

And what is your end of the bargain? What will you promise her, in return for her promising you absolute truth?

Will you promise not to say cruel and cutting things about what she tells you? Will you promise not to think less of her? Will you promise not to exacerbate her existing self-esteem problems?

What's your end of the bargain going to be?

No, it's not just up to her how this ends.

I am going to try to clarify what I think serial muse may have been trying to get at?

Will you love, honor and cherish your wife?

Will you treat your wife with kindness and respect?

Will you see value in your wife?

Will you view your wife as an equal?

Will you treat your wife as a woman who has loved you for 17 years or as a whore?

Will you express care, affection, and tenderness to your wife?

Will your wife be your partner in love, or will she be the lesser person who is inferior moral to you?

July 17, 2015

That's when I threw her against the wall punched her in the gut and threatening to kill her family (no that didn't happened but the way you talk to me that's the kind of person you think I am).

She should have you arrested.

At this point I have been through so much hurt and pain I really feel we are at the end of the suffering.

Your "hurt and pain" are nothing compared to being pummeled by a spouse.

You are a brute and I wish I could reach out to your wife and comfort her. She doesn't deserve to be beaten. No woman does.

Shame on you.

July 17, 2015

She should have you arrested.

Your "hurt and pain" are nothing compared to being pummeled by a spouse.

You are a brute and I wish I could reach out to your wife and comfort her. She doesn't deserve to be beaten. No woman does.

Shame on you.

In his defense, I think he was being sarcastic and did not actually touch her with his hands or fists or body. Probably just his words.

July 17, 2015

In his defense, I think he was being sarcastic and did not actually touch her with his hands or fists or body. Probably just his words.

Verbal/psychological abuse will be a criminal offence come September of this year, in the UK.

I think the OP, for whatever justifications he may cite, is probably putting his wife through mental hell.

Frankly, his own 'pain and suffering' could be dealt with, if he were willing, but he seems to have closed off any love, kindness and compassion for his wife.

He seems to believe that the marriage is over.

What I would LIKE to see, is for him to tell her he is filing for divorce and is moving out.

That would put the lid on it, and release both of them to move on.....

July 17, 2015

She should have you arrested.

Your "hurt and pain" are nothing compared to being pummeled by a spouse.

You are a brute and I wish I could reach out to your wife and comfort her. She doesn't deserve to be beaten. No woman does.

Shame on you.

LOL. I think you selectively read what I wrote.

July 17, 2015

Verbal/psychological abuse will be a criminal offence come September of this year, in the UK.
I think the OP, for whatever justifications he may cite, is probably putting his wife through mental hell.
Frankly, his own 'pain and suffering' could be dealt with, if he were willing, but he seems to have closed off any love, kindness and compassion for his wife.
He seems to believe that the marriage is over.
What I would LIKE to see, is for him to tell her he is filing for divorce and is moving out.
That would put the lid on it, and release both of them to move on.....

Call it what you want. You sound like criminals nowadays who expect a red carpet to jail and if they don't get it they cry police brutality. Sure I wasn't easy on her but what do you expect when you continue to lie to your spouse and have emotional affairs behind their back? A red carpet?

I was the one who reached out to marriage counseling. My counselor even gave me credit in front of my wife who accused me of doing NOTHING about our problems. He said how did you get here?

Again it's so easy for people, including myself, to suggest that the marriage is over and we should go separate ways. In reality it isn't nearly as simple especially when you have 4 kids and years of investment into it.

July 17, 2015

In reality it isn't nearly as simple especially when you have 4 kids and years of investment into it.

Do you love your wife?

July 17, 2015

I am going to try to clarify what I think serial muse may have been trying to get at?

Will you love, honor and cherish your wife?

Will you treat your wife with kindness and respect?

Will you see value in your wife?

Will you view your wife as an equal?

Will you treat your wife as a woman who has loved you for 17 years or as a whore?

Will you express care, affection, and tenderness to your wife?

Will your wife be your partner in love, or will she be the lesser person who is inferior moral to you?

All I can say is it's going to be one long road to recovery. One baby step at a time.

Sign In

Loose Wife?

Recommended Posts

SSJROMANCE

SSJROMANCE

SSJROMANCE

SSJROMANCE

serial muse

beatcuff

oldshirt

Acacia98

SSJROMANCE

SSJROMANCE

jen1447

autumnnight

SSJROMANCE

serial muse

SSJROMANCE

sandylee1

SSJROMANCE

autumnnight

CarrieT

autumnnight

TaraMaiden2

SSJROMANCE

SSJROMANCE

autumnnight

SSJROMANCE

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...