Loose Wife?

[Lois_Griffin]

I still stand by my post as I think she's a liar and an opportunist, but I think you have a severe case of retroactive jealousy that needs to be dealt with.

Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[autumnnight]

OP, how do your 4 children feel about her? Do they know any of this? Do they love and respect their mother?

[RightThere]

What I was looking for was for you to read what I wrote and to help me understand. Obviously it's more fun for you and others to kick someone who already feels beaten down. All I wanted to know is how is it possible to say she never wanted to be with this guy, wanted this guy to go away (please read original post) yet she did NOTHING to stop it and only seemed to encourage it. If she had said "I banged this guy because he was hot!" that would match the events that night and I would have a lot more respect for her than what she has tried to blow up my a$$. I think you missed the boat.

 

If you're going to stay hung up on the "Why" then you'll ask that question until the end of time.

 

When you were broken up, you had no intention of sleeping with someone else. When she was broken up, she was OK sleeping with someone else. Trying to understand why is pointless. She did it because she was OK with it mentally.

 

I don't doubt she's making excuses now that she never wanted to and he forced himself on her, multiple times. I'm sure it's a total crock. The truth probably is that she won't say to you:

 

"I slept with him because you weren't around, he was hot, and it felt REALLLLLY good."

 

If she actually said that to you, would you suddenly think "Ahh. That's what I thought. I'm all cool now."

 

I highly doubt it. I'm willing to bet your next approach will be to shame her for doing it, liking it, and you think there should be a price to pay for it.

 

That's why the "Why" is irrelevant. You know why. You just want verbal confirmation so you can start Phase 2.

[Sassy Girl]

I don't know if she has done anything behind my back but let's assume not. Just about a year ago she got a ride home with the husband of a friend's house she was at. He was drunk. He stopped short of our house on the street, put the car in park, slide over to her and asked if she wanted to get something going. She claims nothing happened told him no in which he continued to drop her off.

 

She waited a month to tell me. Reason (she said) was she was protecting our friendship and wanted to talk to the wife first. Well by the time she told me she still hadn't talked to the wife. What message did that send to the husband? If that were me I would have marched right over to her house the next day. So things like that is why I wonder if she has been faithful because her story just doesn't add up. So I really wouldn't know if she has or not.

 

I find it unfair for you to say I wasn't "doing anything about the problem". For one when you have a wife who changes her story every day every week to something else yes it's going to take awhile to get the truth out. And when you bust her in another lie then everything else you have talked about becomes questionable once again. So it took years of work.

 

I am persistent in finding out that ever changing truth. You bet. You call it "treating her this way" and I simply call it wanting to know the truth. Why doesn't she stop treating ME this way. What about that? Why doesn't she just stop lying? Isn't that abuse?

 

So let me get this right.... She came to you and told you what happened with the drunk friend, and you punished her for not telling you sooner. She did what you wanted, and still took grief for it.

 

Well, no wonder she's motivated to lie. Even when she does tell you it's not enough. Instead of focusing on the fact it came late, be grateful she even told you at all.

 

Because next time, it's just going to be easier not to tell you at all.

 

And you'll never know.

 

And that's your doing. because you have created a marriage based on fear of retribution, and people motivated by fear don't make the best decisions.

 

Not a marriage id want to be in. Let her go. Sounds like she won't have too much trouble finding someone to love her authentically.

[kendahke]

I think it's just a shame that she resorted to a lie in order to keep you from dumping her again. She just should have told you the truth and let you go ahead and leave. You both would be happier today, 7/17/15, than either of your are.

 

Now, the children are learning that it's OK to lie, to berate one another in a marriage. This example is what love means to them and they are going to use that model to base their relationships on, if they don't go through years of therapy to undo all of this damage from the emotional mines being laid in that household.

[SSJROMANCE]

You broke up with her, she was a free woman to do what and whoever she wanted. She can't erase that. I didn't even think she had low self-esteem until I realized how cruel and obsessive you've been over this because someone with intact self-esteem would have left a long time ago.

 

Did she lie? It sounds like she did and many people have said that, in the same situation they can understand because of your reaction, why she did.

 

Women have lied about their number of sex partners for AGES now and this is the main reason why. Reactions like this from men are downright scary. When you broke up with her, she owned her vagina, not you. What she did with it was up to her. And you may think a one night stand is horrible for a woman to have but even 17 years ago the 60's came and went and women have known for a long time now sex isn't an obligation but potentially fun and exciting and something that can feel good and in free countries, they are free to ENJOY sex.

 

You told her it was over, then came back and changed your mind? How was she supposed to react? You played a game with her.

 

You can't expect her to have been obligated to someone who broke up with her.Is she a loose wife? Maybe by standards set in 3rd world countries in the 1400's.What she did when you broke up with her (when she was SINGLE) is entirely different than what she would be expected to do while you two are married.

 

You're trying to tie what she did when she was single together with what she does as a married woman and they aren't the same!!

 

You think she had inappropriate conversations with men on FB but you also think a one night stand is highly inappropriate for a single woman.

 

Yes, she most likely had a ball with a guy other than you after you broke up with her (rightfully so) but aren't you just angry with yourself for that mistake YOU MADE? And taking it out on her for years on end now?

 

 

I usually try and respond to people opinions but in tho case you are all over the board. I wouldn't know where to begin. I will just sign off shaking my head...

[SSJROMANCE]

That's not the same thing at all. For a start your wife isn't a criminal, and what you accuse her of is not on the statute books...

So you are Judge, Jury and executioner, huh? Your sense of personal entitlement is breathtaking....

 

Well if my county ever acted the way you do, I'd move.....

 

 

How long have you been in love with yourself? You are so excited about your own agenda that you missed the whole point of my post. So sad.

[SSJROMANCE]

So let me get this right.... She came to you and told you what happened with the drunk friend, and you punished her for not telling you sooner. She did what you wanted, and still took grief for it.

 

Well, no wonder she's motivated to lie. Even when she does tell you it's not enough. Instead of focusing on the fact it came late, be grateful she even told you at all.

 

Because next time, it's just going to be easier not to tell you at all.

 

And you'll never know.

 

And that's your doing. because you have created a marriage based on fear of retribution, and people motivated by fear don't make the best decisions.

 

Not a marriage id want to be in. Let her go. Sounds like she won't have too much trouble finding someone to love her authentically.

 

 

I punished her? How so? Questioning why she waited a month to tell me? Oh my.

[SSJROMANCE]

I agree. Nobody can ever blame anyone else for their own dishonesty. It's the classic excuse. "It's your fault I (insert inexcusable behavior)!! If only you had (insert ongoing complaint about the relationship), then I wouldn't have been forced to (lie, cheat etc.)"

 

We make our own choices. Nobody ever forces anyone else to lie, cheat etc. Those are personal choices we each make.

 

She could have refused to answer.

 

I'm so sick of that excuse. "of course I lied. look how you reacted when I told you the truth..."

then I'm like "you crazy woman. I'm mad because you lied, not because I'm hearing the truth."

 

 

Well said. I'm quite amazed by some of the opinions on this post. Blows my mind actually.

[SSJROMANCE]

But in all fairness, you already KNEW she had a habit of sleeping with strangers. You said before you married her, she had a long history of sleeping with men on the first or second dates. If she slept with you on your first or second date back when you started dating, then that was your FIRST clue. Unless you thought, like some guys do, that you were the FIRST one she'd ever done that with? (Not bloody likely).

 

Honestly? It just sounds like she reverted back to form the second she was 'single' during your split. Right back to sleeping with strangers. Of course she's not going to paint herself in a bad light and tell you anything except it was horrible and distasteful and she couldn't wait for him to leave (after 4 rounds, that is) and that it meant nothing and she was temporarily insane and blah blah blah.

 

I'm actually siding with you. You have every right on earth to be ticked off as hell for her BLATANT lying to you in order to get back together after your separation. Add to the fact that she's acted inappropriately since you've been married with her secret conversations with guys and God only knows what she's done that you DON'T know about, and I don't blame you at all for being mad as hell. Not at all.

 

 

Let me just correct you on something. Yes before we met she had a history of sleeping with men on the first or second date. However I didn't know this until a year or so after we were married. She slipped up and I busted her and that's when she spilled the beans - AFTER we were married. Also it was around the 6th or 7th time we saw each other that we had sex so now I'm thinking she was a lady. Turns out that was the most time she waited to have sex. I never pushed the issue either.

 

Appreciate your feedback.

[SSJROMANCE]

There was a phrase that went something like "sleeping with every guy who raised his hand."

 

Was it specifically the man/men she had the ONS's with during the breakup, or has she slept with a high number of people throughout her life?

 

 

That quote had to do with both.

[Arieswoman]

SSJR,

I can see you are very hurt and angry.

 

Your wife has showed you who she really is and you don't like it. You feel you have been duped and you are entitled to be aggrieved.

 

However, you can rant and rave on these pages until Hell freezes over but it won't change anything.

 

As I see it you have two choices ;-

 

a) divorce her - then you will both be free to be with someone else.

b) stay and try and work through this mess with professional help.

 

That's it.

[Got it]

Okay, so you want the truth. What if you don't get the truth? What is your timeline to get the truth? What if you can't accept the truth when you are given it? And what if you never feel you have the whole truth?

 

Can you accept the above? If not I don't think you can happily and peacefully move things forward.

 

And I understand the struggle of breaking up the family but are you happy? Have you been happy? Can you envision yourself happy in this marriage? There would be a peace to ending things that these unknown will ceased to matter. You will not be tied to them or how they define your partner or your feelings for them.

 

Have you thought about how to get to peace? And what that looks like for you?

Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SSJROMANCE]

SSJR,

I can see you are very hurt and angry.

 

Your wife has showed you who she really is and you don't like it. You feel you have been duped and you are entitled to be aggrieved.

 

However, you can rant and rave on these pages until Hell freezes over but it won't change anything.

 

As I see it you have two choices ;-

 

a) divorce her - then you will both be free to be with someone else.

b) stay and try and work through this mess with professional help.

 

That's it.

 

Correction. It is other people who are ranting and raving. I had a simple question on my original post and everyone ELSE turned it into ranting and raving.

[SSJROMANCE]

See. I told you if you waited long enough you would find someone who would confirm what you wanted them to.

 

What's your point? I've been attacked by many and some who are reasonable people who actually have been on the receiving end of similar situations. So sorry there are actually people who understand. Anyways I suppose you haven't even answered my original question yet right? Only to bash me?

[SSJROMANCE]

 

Okay, so you want the truth. What if you don't get the truth? What is your timeline to get the truth? What if you can't accept the truth when you are given it? And what if you never feel you have the whole truth?

 

Can you accept the above? If not I don't think you can happily and peacefully move things forward.

 

And I understand the struggle of breaking up the family but are you happy? Have you been happy? Can you envision yourself happy in this marriage? There would be a peace to ending things that these unknown will ceased to matter. You will not be tied to them or how they define your partner or your feelings for them.

 

Have you thought about how to get to peace? And what that looks like for you?

 

 

I take it one day at a time. Everything comes with understanding and I just need the truth so I can understand. If you don't mind please look at my original post and if you have an opinion on my question please feel free to comment on that. Thanks!

Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Got it]

 

I take it one day at a time. Everything comes with understanding and I just need the truth so I can understand. If you don't mind please look at my original post and if you have an opinion on my question please feel free to comment on that. Thanks!

 

 

 

Again, you have said your wife has lied to you repeatedly in the past. She has not be transparent and truthful. Do you really feel that there is a chance that you will actually get the whole truth and believe you have it. And be able to find a peace with it? Because that is the piece most of the posters are commenting on. No one is seeing this. And life is too short to be this miserable.

 

But it is your life and you lead it however you feel fit. All I wish is you figure out a game plan on how to get to peace. Whatever that means to you. Because hate, anger, bitterness only eats you up inside.

Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

The past is the past, it is not possible to rewrite it, so either you accept the woman who is your wife and the mother of your children, or you divorce and leave her.

It is not rocket science.

 

Apparently you are intolerant of your wife having any sexual past, and if I were her, I would be keeping pretty quiet about it too.

 

If you had a wife that wanted to know every single sexual escapade of yours in great detail and then got upset and angry, once she found out. Would you be rushing to tell her about that married woman in Paris and that prostitute in Munich...? I guess not.

Give your wife a break and start thinking about your kids and how they would react to a divorce and not seeing you every day.

Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[autumnnight]

This thread is an illustration of why lying is such a bad idea.

 

Think about it. If OP's wife had answered him truthfully about her past when they first started dating (before that 6th day when they had sex), he would have had the choice to break up with her before they became intimate. Then he could have had a pure girl, and she could have had someone who accepted her as she was.

 

THEN, she had another chance. After they broke up, she could have told him that while they were NOT a couple and she was hurt over it, she slept with someone(s). Again, he could have broken up with her and had someone pure. She could have found a man who took her where she was.

 

But she married him and he married her, and they have 4 children. NOW there is all this past that was NOT disclosed before marriage, when they could have broken up, and he could have found a girl he felt deserved respect and she could have found a man who would love all of her.

 

I seriously doubt she has enough esteem or strength or personhood to leave on her own. And I do not believe he will divorce.

 

All of it could have been avoided with the truth. He could have found a pure girl he could choose to love and respect, and she could have found a man who knew her past, accepted her present, and still wanted a loving future.

 

Now he is with a wife he deems a whore, and she is with a man who has no love or respect for her.

[Popsicle]

I'm not sure I completely understand. I've always told her the truth. I guess you can say I will continue to honor trust in this marriage as long as she does. Is that good? Or how about I won't divorce her if she promises to honor the very foundation of a marriage - trust.

 

If you are suggesting that I promise not to get angry if she has an affair no of course that's not going to happen. If you are suggesting that I forgive her for making the same mistake twice by having more inappropriate Facebook conversations no of course that's not going to happen.

 

It is exactly up to her how this will end.

So that's what this is about....you're afraid she will have an affair.

[Popsicle]

If she's a lying whore, Why don't you divorce her, OP? You have yet to address that.

[sandylee1]

I do think THE OP is getting a hard time here. I'll try and lool at it like this. If I knew my H was a player before we got married, I wouldn't have married him. If I ask questions before we get married to try and establish if he's a player and he lies (i.e says he's only ever been 3 relationships and hasn't slept with anyone else ) and I later find out that's nowhere near the truth, I would feel deceived.

 

However, I'd think he only said that because although he may have been a player, he's found someone he really values /loves (me) and doesn't want to risk loosing me , as his player days are over. Most important would be how he is with me now.

 

There's a song that goes like this.............'I don't wanna be a player no more, I think I've found someone I could live my life for '

 

Calling her a whore and saying she sleeps with everyman who raises his hand, is really unkind and disrespectful.

 

My friend asked her now H before they got married if he was a carrier of a specific medical trait that had a one in four chance of affecting any children they had, because she was a carrier too. It would only affect their future kids if they were both carriers.

 

He said he didn't have the trait.......she gets married....gets pregnant and he gets tested. You guessed it, he was a carrier. She was furious he lied about it.......wanted to get divorced too. He initially denied and said he didn't know he had it......she called BULL on that. Then he confessed that he lied because he loved her so much and didn't want to loose her. They're still happily married with 2 healthy children and she's forgiven him. That was 10 years ago now.

 

If your wife isn't that person now , try and understand why she lied and let it go. Deal with the current issues in your life and move forward.

 

If you can't let it go and will eventually leave her, do it while you still have a good chance of finding happiness with someone else. Don't wait another 10/15 years and then feel stuck because it's 'too late to start over ',.

 

Don't live in regret if you can't get passed this or you'll be a miserable old man.

[SSJROMANCE]

I don't think my wife is a whore and I don't know if I misspoke on that or not. I will say she acted like a whore - no doubt about it. It's funny how it's OK for others to attack me and then accuse me of being combatant and annoyed. I will continue to listen and continue to stand up for myself.

 

 

 

I am not intolerant of my wife having a sexual past. I was quite comfortable with what she told me when we started dating. However what she told me grossly under estimated not only the numbers but her activities.

 

If I had a wife who wanted to know the truth yes I would tell her and have. I have held nothing back.

Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post redacted.

[SSJROMANCE]

So that's what this is about....you're afraid she will have an affair.

 

No it's not about that. I wanted to see who believed her story and who didnt. I am entertaining other comments along the way. But I will say this. It's not so much worried about her having an affair in the future as "her choice" but I would be more concerned about guys taking advantage of her like they most have in the past. She is very out going wears lots of makeup has no boundaries people pleaser low self esteem needs to be validated. Guys have preyed on her before and that's what I worry about the most. Her falling victim to these animals. She will now be traveling with her new job and it's a concern. She is working on this everyday and claims to be a very strong woman for the most part. The problem with her is that her strength goes up and down as seen with her Facebook chats. I hope that helps.

[SSJROMANCE]

If she's a lying whore, Why don't you divorce her, OP? You have yet to address that.

 

I did address it. That's easier said than done. Four kids involved much invested in this relationship. Much work has already been done. But I will tell u I have zero tolerance going forward. I said that before but she claims I didn't say that. Now she can't claim that.