norudder Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 So I had dinner with the female coworker who I was suspicious something mayve been up with. I like her. We got along. We shared we bonded. She's still in honeymoon phase with new hubby. Her stories are from when exmm and I first started. He told me they were only ever just friends. She confirmed he was texting her things... Asked her to send pics to his secret email that was used for "us". She knew she couldve slept with him but didn't because of work and how much more a rumor like that would've affected her. She still talks to him now and then. Wasn't suprised I'd slept with him. He's that kind of guy. She thinks he cares for both of us but is sexist and egotistical. She told me his wife has been rediagnosed with breast cancer. I am both furious at him for having lied (what did I expect) and heartbroken for her ( what she is going through plus guilt for even knowing her h/life intimately because of A) and hopeful that she's ok and maybe this will reform him/bring them closer but at the same time insanely jealous that it will do just that. I want to scream at him and give him a hug or not care. Life is f'd up. Link to post Share on other sites
Tullyseptember Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Norudder, his wife has breast cancer shouldn't this fact erase all the whys and how's of your past affair? He SHOULD be there for his wife:( 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Norudder, his wife has breast cancer shouldn't this fact erase all the whys and how's of your past affair? He SHOULD be there for his wife:( I know he should be there. I hope he does man up for her. But why should her cancer erase my hurt feelings? My mom worked with a woman who got cancer. Nobody liked her personality she was a cruel coworker. They sympathized for her but it didn't change who she was or their work relationships even though they tried. Exmm and his W were both cheating on each other and talking about divorce. He led me to believe he would be with me "in time". Getting cancer doesn't automatically mean anything. It could change their M, maybe not. And it doesn't change what happened and it doesn't change the fact that I learned I was also lied to. I am allowed to be hurt by that. Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Omg rudder please rethink how these messed up relationships are having you think! I am not hearing any empathy...this woman's life is at stake. If it brings them closer, it is okay. Would you want a man who would not sit by the side of his wife during this crisis? I wouldn't! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Omg rudder please rethink how these messed up relationships are having you think! I am not hearing any empathy...this woman's life is at stake. If it brings them closer, it is okay. Would you want a man who would not sit by the side of his wife during this crisis? I wouldn't! No I wouldn't that's not the point here. I'm not upset he's not leaving her mid cancer. Of course I realize its an incredibly scary and emotionally tumultuous time for him her them. And he should be there. And I know my little gripe from a messed up relationship pales in comparison it doesn't mean its not valid. I'm not allowed to be set back a little in my own healing? Thanks for the empathy. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 It could change their M, maybe not. on reality -- it probably won't change anything & they'll stay married. he lied to you & hurt you... be happy he isn't your problem anymore. allow yourself to heal and keep reminding yourself of all of the reasons he should stay away from you. one day at a time. i honestly don't understand what does her cancer have to do with you or... anything. Link to post Share on other sites
RainDown Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Of course you're allowed to feel hurt. It sounds like a painful situation all the way around. I notice you refer to this man as "exMM". Is that correct - he's an ex? If that's the case I think the best way to ensure you are not further hurt is to stop discussing him with OOW and stop listening to information about him and his wife (cancer or anything else). Moving on from an ex is much easier when you keep them out of sight and out of mind, and put them firmly in the past. Discussing him or keeping tabs on him and his wife will do nothing but re-open the wound and pour some more salt in it. There's no need to do that to yourself. I wish you the best in your healing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 No I wouldn't that's not the point here. I'm not upset he's not leaving her mid cancer. Of course I realize its an incredibly scary and emotionally tumultuous time for him her them. And he should be there. And I know my little gripe from a messed up relationship pales in comparison it doesn't mean its not valid. I'm not allowed to be set back a little in my own healing? Thanks for the empathy. I do apologize sincerely if I got your points mixed up. I am now not sure what it is your asking or stating by rereading the post. Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Maybe she was lying. She's slept with a mm before, maybe she's one of us on these boards who says shell never out her mm. He did want she and I to hook up. I have no idea how to trust anymore. It was so abnormal. Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Maybe she was lying. She's slept with a mm before, maybe she's one of us on these boards who says shell never out her mm. He did want she and I to hook up. I have no idea how to trust anymore. It was so abnormal. Your co-worker is probably lying and she did sleep with MM. Why would she keep in contact with a MM who has already been inappropriate with her? Don't allow this MM make you lose trust in human kind. A MM who cheats on a W with cancer doesn't deserve anyone's trust. Make sure that you look at the men you allow into your life and adjust your ability to pick better men. Nine times out of ten a cheating MM won't be good for you know matter what "stories" he tells you. There are good men in this world, you just have to learn not to settle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 And I'm glad I did. It actually had the opposite effect of being engaged. I was keeping the connection alive more in my mind by not. It helped me disconnect. She already had the surgery no other treatments and is recovering well. He said he did what he had to do to help his w but it hasn't changed anything between them (despite how it may appear I am not relieved or gleeful about this). Part of me wishes he would defend his m and w. But it was more hints and avoidance. My heart didn't flutter it fell flat. I realized cynicism has set in toward him. That I AM grateful for. The thing is we never know and every situation is unique. People can judge my thoughts if they want. I know a woman from bookclub who hated her husband, she had horrid stories about his treatment of her, and the month before she planned on leaving her h announced cancer. It was quickly treated and she stayed a little longer only because of how society would see her. I heard of a previous coworker who had been separated for years and needed help but his "w" wanted nothing to do with him for whatever reason. The entire office tsktsked. I read a story how a woman divorced her H but was still compassionate and helped during that time. I shouldon't care what category they were in because is them not me. But I was riled up emotionally. Its confirmed the feeling I'm truly on my own and my future is a completely blank slate. I was thinking of dating to help me move on (they say time and new people/experiences) but I realize I don't have the emotional energy to invest in filtering right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Your co-worker is probably lying and she did sleep with MM. Why would she keep in contact with a MM who has already been inappropriate with her? Don't allow this MM make you lose trust in human kind. A MM who cheats on a W with cancer doesn't deserve anyone's trust. Make sure that you look at the men you allow into your life and adjust your ability to pick better men. Nine times out of ten a cheating MM won't be good for you know matter what "stories" he tells you. There are good men in this world, you just have to learn not to settle. Thank you. I feel very naive. Link to post Share on other sites
Tullyseptember Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I'm sorry Norudder I lost my Mom to cancer and I suppose I let those feelings come through my post. I also lost my ex-husband to suicide, our relationship was very toxic and I was still there for him to his last day. My experience has been to support my loved ones I their time of need, your experience is different from mine and of course You are allowed your feelings of hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I know he should be there. I hope he does man up for her. But why should her cancer erase my hurt feelings? My mom worked with a woman who got cancer. Nobody liked her personality she was a cruel coworker. They sympathized for her but it didn't change who she was or their work relationships even though they tried. Exmm and his W were both cheating on each other and talking about divorce. He led me to believe he would be with me "in time". Getting cancer doesn't automatically mean anything. It could change their M, maybe not. And it doesn't change what happened and it doesn't change the fact that I learned I was also lied to. I am allowed to be hurt by that. It changes EVERYTHING and makes you reassess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 I'm sorry Norudder I lost my Mom to cancer and I suppose I let those feelings come through my post. I also lost my ex-husband to suicide, our relationship was very toxic and I was still there for him to his last day. My experience has been to support my loved ones I their time of need, your experience is different from mine and of course You are allowed your feelings of hurt. I appreciate that. On the bright side I'm getting more comfortable standing up for my feelings apparently, even if its just on the internet. Thank you for sharing, I'm so sorry you had to endure those losses. I feel the same, despite differences if my ex needed anything I would still do what I could. Link to post Share on other sites
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