Taking a break and she is dating others, what should I do?

[bennychase]

My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years, I am 24 and she is 20, came up to me two months ago and said she wanted to take a break. She explained that she needed this break because she realize on me too much - I am her security blanket. She says she is afraid to get a job, move out of the house, and mature overall, and I am who she falls back on instead of doing these things she really wants. I am fairly sure this break will be good for her/us. She says this break is all about her, and has nothing to do with me/anything I have done. We see each other once every 3-4 weeks and talk on the phone just about every night. She has written me letters and tried to make it as clear as possible that she WILL be returning to me, and she has a plan of how and when. But it's hard. She is now showing interest in other guys and probably will casually date them. I have told her that I do not want to hear about her romantic dealings with guys while we are on this break. It is just driving me crazy to think that I have spent 2 1/2 years loving her and trying continually win her over, and the thought of her being romantic with another guy breaks my heart and makes me feel small.

 

What can I do to not get so jealous and heart broken during this time when I know she is becoming romantically involved with other guys? Should I not talk to her as much? Should I make it a point to date as well? Any suggestions/Advice will be great.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. What can I do to not get so jealous and heart broken during this time when I know she is becoming romantically involved with other guys?

2. Should I not talk to her as much?

3. Should I make it a point to date as well?

 

1. By removing yourself from a position in which you will be. Talking to her and seeing her will do nothing but make it worse. Distance yourself physically and emotionally.

2. Talk to her not at all. The less you talk to her the quicker you'll be able to rid yourself of the infection she has left in your heart.

3. Yes, definitely.

 

She has written me letters and tried to make it as clear as possible that she WILL be returning to me, and she has a plan of how and when.

 

Just remind yourself of this one thing: if you love someone and want to be with them, you don't need 'breaks' and you certainly don't need to 'see other people'. She has worked you into a schedule which allows you to be near the bottom of her priority list without actually dropping off of it. A woman really doesn't want a man who allows himself to be treated that way. Funny catch-22 eh? She expects you to stick around after she demotes you and will ultimately end up losing respect for you when you comply with her wishes.

[morrigan]

See this as the end of the relationship, not a break or a relationship on hold. The longer you try to keep the connection with her, the harder it's going to be to accept it's over and get on with your own life.

 

As hard as it may seem to do, initiate no contact. Make it clear that as you're no longer dating, your time is not hers. Don't call or visit her in anyway, and ignore her contacts.

 

Start meeting/flirting/dating other girls. Get out with your friends, do activities that you like doing that got put on the back burner during your relationship.

[alphamale]

institute total NC and start dating other girls. there is no other way young man.

 

she may come back, she may not. but keep all your options open.

[ltomlinson81]

Don't worry too much about whether or not to contact her - do what you feel like doing. But treat this like a breakup. Go out and date.

[BrotherAaron]

Do not be her backup! If she wants a break, give it to her - and make she sure feels like she's lost control of the situation. Don't let her have everything while on a break that she had before the break, or she'll have no reason to come back. No more hanging out, no more kissing, no more bedtime phone calls, no more comforting her, etc. You probably don't even want to talk to her very much if you don't want to hear about her casual dating. You need to make this break real - so treat it like a breakup, and set a time limit for it - say, after a certain amount of time, that if you're not back together, then it's final and you're going to be apart. Don't let yourself be on perpetual hold while she goes and does what she wants.

 

Meanwhile, I definitely recommend casual dating. If she's seeing people, then nothing you do is cheating, so go have some fun. Take full advantage of this freedom she's granting herself. She seems to think she's got you completely whipped, and you're not going anywhere, so maybe you dating and seeing other people will be the wakeup call she needs. She only feels comfortable wandering now because she's 100% sure that you'll be right there waiting for her when she comes back - so don't be. Take off running, and make her chase you. If she cares about you that much, and really does want to be with you, she wont let you go anywhere without a fight. If she does let you go, then there was no reason for you to be waiting around for her anyway.

 

That's the key here - she thinks she's in complete control, and that you're completely whipped, and she's not going to want to come back if you let that be true. If she doesn't have to earn you back, then you're never going to seem valuable enough to want back.

 

Besides...

Do you really wanted to be a backup plan? My ex gave me the same garbage, saying that she'll come back to me eventually, etc. Well, when I happened to see her making out with my friend on his bed, I realized that I wasn't really into taking a break, so I gave her two options - stay or go - and there she went. I'm glad I didn't wait around for her to come back afterall, because, from the looks of it, she wasn't going to. She never even seemed to care I was gone until, a month later, she realized I was moving on... and by that time I was sick of being treated like I didn't matter, and it was too late for her.

 

Well, this time she doesn't have to be the first to know. You can realize that there might be a breakup coming, and stop waiting around for her. It's not fair for you.

[UCFKevin]

Well, I hate to generalize as I could be wrong, but it's over. Breaks are pretty much the end. Especially if she's dating other people. That's GIGANTIC slap in the face to you. Here's essentially what she's saying:

 

"I don't want to see you anymore, for right now, I want to go out and see other people, but I want you to wait for me. It will make you miserable while I will be very happy, but this is all about me now so you have to deal with it."

 

Well, you don't have to deal with it. I know it's tough but just break it all off completely. Breaks are TOTAL bulls*** and you don't deserve it. No one does.

[bennychase]

UCFKevin and BrotherAaron, I agree 100%. The part that keeps me hanging on is that she is so convinced that she will be comming back to me in a few months. She says she just needs to get some things out of her system, mature, and feel better about herself so, as she puts it, when we get married we will have a great relationship. Maybe this is her way of dangling the carrot infront of me?

[Marshbear]

What if you got married and she thinks she needs a "break"? Breaks are the end. She wants to explore other relationships, sexual and otherwise. She is just letting you hang and that's not fair. Find someone else to date. Tell her you are exploring also, sexual and otherwise...

 

Two can play the same game...

[UCFKevin]

Exactly.

 

This thing is very common, sadly, in relationships, one of the two has to go off and "discover who they really are and live life" while the other one is left behind and left sad and lonely and miserable. It sucks but it happens so damn much.

 

She won't come back to you. That's the only way you can think of this. I'm serious, man, I went thru a break and it was one of the roughest f*cking things I've ever been thru because I had no clue what was going on or if she was going to come back to me and she ended up dating someone else and wanting to end things completely with me but was too much of a coward to tell me.

 

I don't wish anyone to go thru what I went thru, so that's why I so vehemently hate breaks and strongly recommend you to tell her, "You know what? I'm not going to wait around for you. I can't. That's unfair to me and very selfish of you to want. If this is what's best for us, then that's how it has to be. I just can't wait on the sidelines for you to figure it out. I will not sit in my own personal hell while you are out having the time of your life. Good luck with finding out who you are and what you want. I wish it was me but it obviously isn't, for you want this. You know how I feel about you but I can't put myself thru this. Goodbye."

 

And that's it.

[BrotherAaron]

I second every word of what UFCKevin said.

 

My ex tried to go on a break... turned out it was because she made out with one of my friends, and liked him, and figured she'd go on a break to figure out who she liked more. Well, I saw her with him, and ended the break (by my definition of a break, you don't see other people, that's a breakup) - but, if I hadn't, I might still be stuck getting strung along to this day. Just like you, she told me that she thought we'd get back together. She even still tells people that she misses me, and wishes I was around more. If that was true, then why is she dating the other guy? Let's face it, she was never coming back to me, she just wanted me to think that she was. Well, don't play that game. Time to take back the control here, and tell her that the breaks over, and let her believe that you wouldn't have it any other way.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

If you had an exclusive relationship with her, a "break" does not include seeing other people. That is called a "breakup".

 

Generally "Break" in relationshipese = "Breakup". "Let's take a Break" is generally a cowardly way of ending a relationship, when one doesn't want to have to deal with the pain of a breakup (or the pain in seeing one's partner go through a breakup). It is a way to avoid having "that talk", and a way to "phase out" a relationship. It also shows a lack of respect for one's partner, when one cannot be honest about having feelings of wanting to end the relationship, but instead opts for a phase-out.

 

In my opinion, while there may be valid reasons for someone using the "break" tactic to end a relationship, those reasons are limited in number, and it is a rather slimy thing to do without good reason. An example of a valid excuse for a "break", in my opinion, would be if one thinks his or her partner is unstable, and might do something stupid if they breakup outright, but they really do need to be out of the relationship for practical purposes. Another example would be if one's partner is one's boss, they know that the boss/ex would fire them if they broke up, but they don't want to have to file a sexual harassment suit because of the loss to professional reputation, and don't want to get fired, at least not without having time to find another job. Things like that may be valid reasons. But to use the "take a break" language just to make things go down easier when one knows that they are ending the relationship, is quite cowardly and dishonest, and shows lack of regard for one's partner.

 

Now that I have said all of that, there MAY be a few people, who really do just want a break without ending the relationship (even though I think it is very rare) - but certainly NOT the kind that includes dating other people. That is just ending the relationship as you know it.

 

The fact that she is telling you she is coming back AND even talking marriage is just bizarre. It does suggest that she is acknowledging to herself that coming back to you is at least an option, but what does that say about her love for you being overwhelming, enough to contemplate marriage?

 

YOU need to ask yourself if after all she is doing to you and the relationship, if that is really what you want. Think about this: "I love you, I WILL be coming back to you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but right now, I want to be by myself and not with you, and go out with and have sex with other guys". That's basically what she is saying man. Are you feeling the love?

 

Should you date other women? YES YES YES YES YES. And have lots of fun. She is.

 

Should you tell her about it? No, because that would be playing games. Now if she insists on telling you about her escapades, you might as well return the favor because she is playing games with you (you already told her you didn't want to hear about it). Chances are, if you date others, it will get back to her, and she will ask you about it. When this happens, just be honest with her, and explain that you don't like to be alone, and since she was dating other men, you saw no problem with it. Also make it a point to tell her that if she really cares about the relationship, this break is dangerous, because while she is dating other men, your choices are to date other women, or be alone, and you don't like being alone. Make clear to her that while you do love her very much, and feel the same way about her that she claims to feel about you (if that's still true after all she is doing), that you can make no promises about being there when she decides you are good enough, as long as this mess continues.

 

Should you have regular contact with her? Up to you, but I think it may do you more harm than good at this point. She has ended the relationship as you know it, but has generously agreed to keep you on as the backup plan. Self-respect dictates that you should end the relationship, but if you would rather just be elusive (note I said "elusive" NOT "exclusive") with her, not talk to her much, date other women, and try to move on, while leaving the door for her open a crack for some point in the future when and IF you are in a position to take her back and IF you still want to at that time, then that is an option too.

 

One final thing you should think about, if the word marriage has even crossed your mind (as apparently it has hers). Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who can do this to you? Shouldn't she love you enough to put her hormones in check and AT MINIMUM not date other men during this "break", even if we give her the benefit of the doubt and really call it a break instead of a breakup? I was willing to believe that MAYBE it was really a "break" until I read the part about her wanting to date other men - then it just looked to me like a phase-out. Sorry, but that is what it looks like. Anyway, as I was saying, think about that carefully before you say "I do" even if you do get back together with her. You are seeing the things of which she is capable.

[bennychase]

WithOrWithoutYou, thanks for the great post and valuable information!

[bennychase]

I have decided that I need to start saying No:

No, I will not talk to her everyday or even every week. She needs to know that I am living my life and have begun to move on. If in the future she wants to get back together... we will see, but there is no garentee.

No, I will not drive 4 hours every time you want me to come visit you. (She lives 4 hours from where I live. Always has for the 2 1/2 years we were dating. I recently made the trip to see her in a play.)

No, this is not a break as long as You/I are seeing other people. (Though, I would be 100% happy without dating others.)

No, you do not control this situation.

No, this is not all about YOU as you say it is. It affects me to - don’t be so selfish and self-absorbed

 

One really good thing out of this is that within a couple of weeks of her deciding to take a "Break", I and a good friend of mine scheduled a week long cruise to Bermuda sailing May 28th! Also have season tickets to Busch Gardens which friends and I have been going to alot so far. I made my mind up right away that I was not going to sit at home and wallow in my self misery! I have been through that pity party BS in the past, and it is not worth wasting life over some girl.

 

As soon as she heard about the cruise, she got very jealous.

[my_manda]

A word of advice......SPACE is the equivalent of not knowing how to end things just yet. I hate to be harsh, but be realistic, YOU ARE FILLER!!! You are her psuedo security blanket until the next one comes along. If she can spend 2 1/2 years with you, want a break, then want to casually date others while you are on this break, and you are fine with this, then you are being a DOORMAT! Her actions tell you exactly what she wants and intends to do, no matter what her words/letters might say about the future. Stop listening to her voice and listen to her steps.....as they get further away from you by the day. LET HER GO. I hate the old clich'e that if it is meant to be then it will be, but this is the perfect case in point. There is someone out there who cringes at the thought of you being with someone else, of walking away from you because you could "get away", obviously, your ex is not that person or she would see what she stands to lose. Let her grow up and once she realizes there are not greener pastures I hope that it works out for you OR better still, you are with someone else and have moved on. I know it sucks to move on, it hurts so much....but better to hurt now than pine away after someone who is initiating a "gradual break-up" that is only going to prolong your pain, and make you look like you have no self-respect.

 

RESPECT YOURSELF, OR NO ONE ELSE WILL!!!!!! If she thinks she can beak-up with you, then casually date others, while you wait for her, then clearly you need to tell her that you do respect yourself and that you deserve better. Cut off contact......your time on the phone with her is draining you of the free time you could spend getting on with your life and finding someone who won't let you get away! You too are as date worthy as your ex is.... she has forgotten that, so maybe you need to forget her phone number and date someone with a better memory.

[outdated]

My Manda- couldn't have said it better myself. Now if I could only apply to my situation!

[my_manda]

i like the poem you wrote so true.....we can never find love without taking the test first!

[scarlyjones]

Yeah,..uh,...dude,....its over. SHe isnt seeing other people thinking "Okay,..so my breaks up in 15 days so Ill have to end this then" Hey, guy.....shes gone! Have more respect for yourself than that. DOnt wait around. That just gives her the POWER over you. Plus,..no offense,...but she probably couldnt care less if you are dating or not. SO dont kid yourself. Its over ..............and get out there and get some.

[bennychase]

This is a photo of the tool bag she is trying to hook up with. This guy works at Lowes as a stock boy, lives with his parents, and still has his ex girlfriend hang around even though she has cheated on him multiple times. He says that he has no other friends so he hangs with his ex. I am not going to sweat some stock-jock. Women have issues. Why would they go after the weaker less competent of the males?

 

Oh yeah, she says he looks like her X b-friend from like 3-4 years ago.

 

Pick of the stock jock:

http://beldar.com/~ben/105.jpg