Biggest Mistake of My Life

[Sad_Panda03]

I'm a young guy. I married young and never really got to date around. Ever since I got married, I've regretted not getting to find out "what's out there". My wife is an incredible woman and we have a beautiful child together. I love her with all my heart. I want to be with her. The sex is good, she is the best, our son loves us both. I am a very happy man.

 

However,

 

I developed a dependence on alcohol that began around 2013. I was never bad, I never yelled, I never got angry. I just drank a lot. It started on weekends, and got worse. I started going to AA earlier this year, because it was really starting to affect my home life, and it didn't really work that much. I tried and tried but kept going back to the booze. Maybe around March or so, my wife left town for a weekend. I went online when I was near blackout drunk, started chatting with a woman, met her at a bar, told her I was married and separated which she was fine with, drank a lot more, then had sex with her. This happened 3 more times. One time, I was so drunk that I actually fell asleep during intercourse. She was on birth control. I didn't use protection but pulled out. I told her off every time I sobered up and would just call her back up when I was blackout drunk. She knew I had no feelings for her, wanted nothing to do with her, etc.

 

I have now managed one month of sobriety, changed my number, haven't spoken with this woman at all. I log onto my KIK messenger over last weekend, with a message saying she's two weeks late. I FLIP OUT.

 

I blow up her phone, and by blow it up.. I mean I blow it up. Eventually she started responding when I threatened to show up at her house. We spoke for a few hours, I poured my heart out crying, promising to cover whatever financial costs if she decided to terminate or have the baby, etc. etc.

 

I had her take a pregnancy test the next day. It was negative. That night, she said she had a lot of white tissue come out of her vagina. She thought it might be a miscarriage, or something weird. She claimed that she was prior told by a doctor that she likely has PCOS, and thats the whole reason she was on BC, to regulate it. However, she claimed to always have regular periods. For the past two days, she has refused to respond to my texts and I'm freaking out. She told me that if she was pregnant and decided to keep it, that she wanted nothing to do with me. She would move in with her cousin in New York and not ask anything financially, etc. But I know that's never true. She'd always show back up eventually. She knows I want to be with my wife and focus on my family. She also claims to have not slept with anyone else but me during this time period. We were only together once between her last period and her missed period, because I sobered up shortly after.

 

Honestly, I'm freaking out. My wife and I decided to separate for a month for me to focus on my sobriety, and it's been a great success. I want to see her in a few weeks and be the husband that she has always deserved. This whole experience has scared the **** out of me and I have no desire for anyone other than my wife ever again, but if this other woman is pregnant, I shouldn't get back together with my wife.

 

So, where I'm at is this other woman is now ignoring me again. She said she would get a doctor's appointment and figure out for sure what was going on, but now she won't give me updates, etc. What do you think the probability is that she is pregnant? What should I do as a man in this situation?

 

I'm literally so confused. I hardly even remember sleeping with this woman, or much of my life during those months I was drinking. I feel like I'm finally coming back into touch with reality after a long, long disconnect. I've contemplated everything, divorcing my wife, living alone paying two child supports. Telling my wife and begging her to stay. Even ending my own life if my drunken whore got pregnant and desires to keep the child. (I would never do it, but I certainly pondered it a lot)

 

I just need some advice. No bashing me, please. I'm a piece of **** and deserve to burn in hell. I literally can not think of anything else. I've tried exercise, video games, massage, meditation. I can not stop thinking about this awful situation every waking moment. It's disrupting my sleep, I can't focus at work. It will take a lifetime to make up for the infidelity and betrayal of trust I have shown. My wife wants to be with me, I asked her to leave me due to my alcoholism, because I love her and I didn't like that I was hurting her emotionally. She wants to help me and work on our marriage, and this is how I repay her? I don't know if I can live with myself after all of this, but I am going to try to.

 

I want to make things right, but what do I do?

 

My current plan is: Say nothing, do nothing. Keep trying to contact the other woman and determine whether or not she actually is pregnant before doing anything. If I am lucky, I will get a text saying she is not pregnant or got an abortion, and then I go back to my normal life.

 

Plan I'm preparing for is: Either I get a text saying she is pregnant and keeping the baby, or I don't hear anything from her at all and she is still pregnant and keeping the baby.

 

Help me sort through this.

 

I just want to be a good husband, not lose my wife, and never ever touch a drop of alcohol ever again.

Edited July 17, 2015 by Sad_Panda03

[velvette]

Tell your wife the truth and if she is willing deal with it together.

 

 

Get yourself into counseling if are not already.

[Sad_Panda03]

I'm not telling her anything unless the OW is pregnant. Is there any benefit to causing my wife to suffer other than to selfishly abolish my own guilt?

[BetrayedH]

I'm not telling her anything unless the OW is pregnant. Is there any benefit to causing my wife to suffer other than to selfishly abolish my own guilt?

 

Does your wife deserve to be tricked into staying with you? Does she not get to make her own informed decision?

 

You're not protecting her with your lies. You're protecting yourself.

[loveflower]

Does your wife deserve to be tricked into staying with you? Does she not get to make her own informed decision?

 

You're not protecting her with your lies. You're protecting yourself.

 

ignorance is blessing...

[CarrieT]

Is there any benefit to causing my wife to suffer other than to selfishly abolish my own guilt?

Yes. She deserves to know the person she is married to and make a qualified decision - on her part - to not continue in a marriage with a liar who might also have given her an STD (have you been tested for that?)

[Qboro90]

Sorry but i disagree with those who are saying to tell your wife. Is it the moral thing to do? Yes. Is it going to most likely end your marriage and chances of ever working things out with her? Absolutely. What would telling her do but bring her more pain and turmoil. I know it sounds awful but telling someone you cheated on them is what people always suggest but that never works out well. Will only lead to her not trusting you (which she shouldn't by the way, you've acted like a complete *******).

 

If you really care about your wife then staying sober should be your #1 priority. The woman you cheated with already took a pregnancy test and it came out negative. Sounds like you're in the clear to me otherwise you would've heard something by now. Think about it. Why would she reach out to you and tell you that she was 2 weeks late and then not tell you if she was actually pregnant. Doesn't make sense. If you need confirmation from her then either contact her saying that respectfully you want to know an update on the situation because it's affecting your sobriety. Tell her that you'll be able to handle if she decides to keep it or if she wasn't pregnant but that the "unknown" and being in the dark is unfair to do to you. Are you able to see her if she doesn't answer without looking like a stalker? Why do you still believe she is pregnant after the pregnancy test said negative and her visit with the dr confirmed that?

 

You aren't ready to be in a marriage. I'd say stay sober for 6 months- a year and then you can re visit being a husband. If sobering up is making you see things clearer then see what you're feeling 2 months from now. It may be that you need to be by yourself a while. But also understand that your wife deserves better. You should give her that opportunit by doing a separation. That way you don't have to drag her along if your behavior doesn't improve. She's innocent in all this so do what's right by her for once.

[nightmare01]

ignorance is blessing...

 

No.

 

A WS that lies to their BS is only trying to control their BS by controlling what they know (and don't know). The reason a WS does this is to avoid the consequences of their actions.

 

This sort of manipulation is among the most disrespectful things any person can possibly do.

 

If lies are between the WS and BS then there will never be trust, and never be any true emotional intimacy.

[World's.Edge]

Your wife needs to know who she's married to so that she can decide if she should stay in this marriage.

 

This has nothing to do with your guilt. You're not being selfless and you're not protecting anyone except your own a** NO MATTER what you try to convince yourself your reason for not telling her is.

 

By manipulating this information and controlling it you're just manipulating and controlling her.

 

Own your s*** dude, don't be a f****** coward.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is it the moral thing to do? Yes.

 

Actually it's an easy decision, more practical than moral.

 

As you read here time and again, there's unanticipated and unpredictable consequences of affairs. A pregnant OW is one. A vengeful AP can be another. A stray text message pops up. Crippling guilt, STD's, depression, detachment - any and all could be a part of his marriage going forward.

 

Sad_Panda03, get ahead of the game and tell your wife now. Large or small, it's your only chance. This is a woman who stuck with you through alcoholism and rehab, she may be stronger and more committed than you think...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sad_Panda03]

" Why do you still believe she is pregnant after the pregnancy test said negative and her visit with the dr confirmed that?"

 

Thats the thing. I'm not sure if I am in the clear because I am unaware if she has been to the doc yet. I'm sorry If I hadn't made that clear. I wrote this kind of in a rush before bed. I just woke up for a sec. I will write a lot more about everything tomorrow.

 

Personally, I can't rationalize telling her. She was crying on the phone earlier with how proud she was of me making it a month. Then I should say. Oh yeah, if living with a drunk wasn't bad enough, I also ****ed someone else. It would cripple her.

[MidwestUSA]

First, congrats on your sobriety!

 

Second, you have to tell your wife regardless of whether there is a pregnancy. She deserves to know, so she can make an educated decision whether to stay with you.

 

Third, my gut feeling in that the OW isn't pregnant. Hopefully, she was on BC, and the test was correct. PCOS makes it difficult to get pregnant, if indeed she has it.

 

 

You sound quite remorseful and broken. Whatever you do with the rest of your life, do it sober! Best wishes.

[World's.Edge]

Personally, I can't rationalize telling her. She was crying on the phone earlier with how proud she was of me making it a month. Then I should say. Oh yeah, if living with a drunk wasn't bad enough, I also ****ed someone else. It would cripple her.

 

Off course YOU can't rationalize telling her because YOU f***** up and YOU don't want to face any consequences for YOUR actions. It would cripple YOU. YOU not telling her is about YOU protecting YOURself, nothing more.

 

Your wife needs to know who she's married to so that she can decide if she should stay in this marriage.

 

This has nothing to do with your guilt. You're not being selfless and you're not protecting anyone except YOUR own a** NO MATTER what YOU try to convince YOURSELF YOUR reason for not telling her is.

 

By manipulating this information and controlling it YOU'RE just manipulating and controlling her.

 

Own your s*** dude, don't be a f****** coward.

Edited July 17, 2015 by World's.Edge

[Sad_Panda03]

Once again, I don't think you're understanding what I'm saying. I'm fine telling her I cheated. I'm not fine telling her I got someone else pregnant if that is the case. I'd rather wait until I've taken positive steps in our marriage to drop that one on her.

[TaraMaiden2]

Once again, I don't think you're understanding what I'm saying. I'm fine telling her I cheated. I'm not fine telling her I got someone else pregnant if that is the case. I'd rather wait until I've taken positive steps in our marriage to drop that one on her.

 

You contact this woman - again, showing up at her house would be good, actually - and tell her that if she IS pregnant, you have a right to know if there is a child in this world you might be involved with creating.

You understand her assurance about disappearing and asking for nothing, and you appreciate her intentions, but is that fair on the child or you? It takes 2 to tango....

However much of that is BS, I don't know - but it might evince the truth from her once and for all.

Once you have that - tell your wife.

[Sad_Panda03]

The issue I have with showing up at her house is that she does live with her parents, and I think her older sister lives with them too. I literally chose to have this affair with a person that I would normally detest. I know she is going to college, doesn't work much, has really low-class alcoholic friends. She is obese, and I've never seen her drive a car. I've only ever seen her friends driving her around.

 

I am completely pro-choice and I think that in a situation like this, an abortion is a good idea if she is pregnant. If she does not want to abort, she should give the child up for adoption. She is in no position to raise a child, and I would never ever consider leaving my wife for her. If my wife left me, I would never even consider having a woman like her in my life. The only reasons I slept with her is that she was a drunk like me, easy, and that I knew that there was no chance that I could ever have feelings for her.

 

Every morning I wake up disgusted with myself. I'm trying to do whatever rid myself of all this self loathing, but I can't find a cure.

 

I need to get a straight answer from this woman. I don't feel like showing up to her house will do well, because her family might start asking questions. Family can be really persuasive, especially on an ignorant person like her.

 

I will tell my wife, eventually. I'm sure that situations like this are delicate. I want to be with my wife. I love her and my son with all my heart. I don't want to cause her any undue pain and suffering. I just want to do the right thing in all of this.

[Sad_Panda03]

Do you guys have any idea of what I could say to her to get her to respond to me? I've already tried calling, texting, etc. Should I just let go completely, assume she isn't pregnant, and go on with my life. I'm so scared I'll wake up one morning with a random text. "I'm now 7 months pregnant".

 

Maybe I should just pretend none of this ever happened and get on with my life, treat my wife like the queen she deserves to be treated. The thought of anything sexual with any other woman after the disgust I have felt makes me want to vomit. I will never do this again or touch a drop of alcohol again. If I ever feel so compelled that I cave in and do either ever again - I will leave my wife. She is an amazing woman and deserves a man without so many problems. I do not have any STD's. I got a full panel earlier this week, even though I know it could take longer to show up. However, this girl is young, 23, and I highly doubt that she has anything.

 

Do you guys have any idea what that tissue-like substance that came out of her vagina could be? I see things online that said it could be endometrium, or something due to her not having a period. She said it was pale white with little specks of red. She said there were 3 clumps of it. I know it's gross, but like what the hell could that be? Last I heard from her a few days ago, she had still not had a period at 2.5 weeks late.

 

I told her I wanted nothing to do with her and was going to be with my wife. She knows this. I'm worried that's why she is ignoring me and if she is pregnant, I may have sabotaged myself by freaking out when she told me she was late. I was out of town and traveled 300 miles back home as soon as I found out in order to talk to her, even though she refused to see me when I got back.

[CarrieT]

Based on all the added information, the best thing you can do is tell your wife. If that is who you want to be with - and build a future with - both of you should start emotionally preparing for what may happen in 7 months.

[Sad_Panda03]

How do you recommend going about sharing something that devastating with your spouse? I'm sure there's some sort of method to cause as little pain and suffering as possible. She is currently fragile, after dealing with my alcoholism for years, with it reaching it's worst just this year around the time of my infidelity. I've seen posts on this forum about seeing a counselor. I know I'll need to get child care for my son so that her and I can talk alone while sharing such painful information.

 

I'm still not sure if this is the right step to take, I just want to know how to go about doing something like this if I decide to take that leap?

 

Also any insight to my earlier questions would be greatly appreciated.

 

I also want to say thank you all for your responses. I found this forum on a google search, and just being able to share with someone what is going on is helping get through this difficult time.

 

I'm really struggling to live with the fact that I cheated. Multiple times. I barely remember any of the times, as I was so ****ed up, but I know it happened. It's like a bad dream when I think about the things I did. I would never, ever, had done any of this if I had not been so beyond drunk. I know it's no excuse and makes me even more of a despicable person, but I really would get so drunk I couldn't walk straight, drive to this girl, drink some more, then proceed to have sex with her.

 

I am so stricken with grief that I am finding it hard to function, or think about anything else other than what an awful person I am. What blows me away is that people of sound mind do this every day. Why would anyone willingly and knowingly put themselves through this pain?

Edited July 17, 2015 by Sad_Panda03

[TaraMaiden2]

OK: Possible avenue to follow (not that I in any way condone the dishonesty):

 

Tell your wife about the one-night stand.

 

Forget that she might be pregnant.

Put that possibility out of your mind.

 

Don't even consider it at present.

 

Then - wait.

 

If she IS pregnant, and she does get in touch with you, it will be a shock.

A genuine shock.

Completely unexpected.

 

Because right now, you sincerely are completely in the dark.

So if in time, she DOES reveal something - trust me, it will shake you to the core, and not in a good way, but you will deal with that as, when and if it happens.

 

If she IS pregnant - demand a DNA test.

And don't offer to pay for it.

 

 

If, by a year's time, you hear nothing, I would estimate you're in the clear.

 

But this is the price you pay, bud....

[OldRover]

How do you recommend going about sharing something that devastating with your spouse? I'm sure there's some sort of method to cause as little pain and suffering as possible. She is currently fragile, after dealing with my alcoholism for years, with it reaching it's worst just this year around the time of my infidelity. I've seen posts on this forum about seeing a counselor. I know I'll need to get child care for my son so that her and I can talk alone while sharing such painful information.

 

I'm still not sure if this is the right step to take, I just want to know how to go about doing something like this if I decide to take that leap?

 

Also any insight to my earlier questions would be greatly appreciated.

 

I also want to say thank you all for your responses. I found this forum on a google search, and just being able to share with someone what is going on is helping get through this difficult time.

 

I'm really struggling to live with the fact that I cheated. Multiple times. I barely remember any of the times, as I was so ****ed up, but I know it happened. It's like a bad dream when I think about the things I did. I would never, ever, had done any of this if I had not been so beyond drunk. I know it's no excuse and makes me even more of a despicable person, but I really would get so drunk I couldn't walk straight, drive to this girl, drink some more, then proceed to have sex with her.

 

I am so stricken with grief that I am finding it hard to function, or think about anything else other than what an awful person I am. What blows me away is that people of sound mind do this every day. Why would anyone willingly and knowingly put themselves through this pain?

 

Sad,

 

I don't see a reason that you need to tell your wife right away, but at sometime in the near future, you will.

 

However, your first priority is the drinking, which seems like you have a good start on. THAT IS WAY WORSE THAN YOUR AFFAIR..... believe me. And if anything will ruin your life and marriage THAT WILL, and it's MUCH HARDER TO FIX.

 

You'll probably need some outside support to totally stay sober. Unfortunately there is not a lot of good help out there. Find a good individual or counselor that you can lean on. Group therapy like AAA has a horrible success statistics. YOU will be the number one reason you will be able to quit, and you'll have to get up each morning, tell yourself that you are a good person and will get through the day clean. With your current condition, you are very fragile to falling back in the alcohol that will be devastating.

 

Your very close second priority should be making your marriage work. Find help with that, too, and there's a TON of good info online (including here). Put your wife and child first, support them, and care for them.

 

When you and your wife have a little more stability, tell her about your affair. If you wish not to, that's you choice, and you "may or may not" be able to live with it. If you tell her, be very careful of how much detail you give out. She may not want to know, but may be more concerned that you're remorseful and will do everything to treat her the best in the future and never be tempted with another drink or woman again.

 

Best of luck.

[Sad_Panda03]

I know it's not right to cover up something that proved dishonesty with more dishonesty, or to delay the message. But keep in mind, my wife and I are still currently separated. She won't be moving back in for another month. It will take a long time for us to regain stability with me being sober before we will reach a point where I feel that telling her I had a brief fling won't cripple our marriage.

 

I've been reading up on the whole situation of a woman who you want nothing to do with having your child. It doesn't look like the situation is as bleak as I made it out to be. No matter what, life goes on. I will get through this. It will be hard, but that is the price I pay for being a scum bag.

 

Maybe later in life, I will look back on this experience and be thankful it happened. Hopefully it will help mold me into a better person. I've always been one of those people who have to learn from my own mistakes rather than from other peoples' advice and this situation has taught me to never again take my family for granted. This is the first time I've really felt the reality of losing the people that mean the most to me.

 

Not drinking is a top priority of mine, and today I was planning on going back to an AA meeting to pick up my 1 month chip. Going to AA only made the desire to drink stronger, but I have been "white knuckling" my habit. I am making an appointment with a counselor next week to talk both about the infidelity and the drinking. I am a professional with a great career, and have had a history of substance abuse. It used to be drugs, then I went through rehab and never touched a hard drug again, but eventually turned to drinking.

 

I almost drank last night because I was so frustrated I didn't know what was going on. I guess I'm sort of a control freak and feel compelled to push and push until I get what I want. I've tried what I can to get this woman to respond to me, but she won't. I need to let go and realize that it is out of my control.

 

Also, I never ever use forums or anything like this, but I feel like being able to put my emotions out there is preventing me from losing my mind. I have no friends where I currently live and nobody I would ever consider talking to about this type of stuff. It has made of world of difference having an outlet and also some good insight.

Edited July 17, 2015 by Sad_Panda03

[SoleMate]

I would consider hiring a private investigator to determine if the woman might be pregnant. You yourself should stay miles away.

 

As far as telling your wife, it's only fair to let her know the risks she's running in staying married to you. Alcoholism is one, and now we know that having using alcohol to facilitate having extramarital sexual contact with with "easy" "obese" women you can't stand is another risk.

 

I hardly even remember sleeping with this woman, or much of my life during those months I was drinking. I feel like I'm finally coming back into touch with reality after a long, long disconnect.

Have you addressed and corrected the root cause of this behavior? Just the fact that you're totally grossed out now by this supposedly repulsive and worthless AP provides no actual protection for the long future. The drinking can come on again, and the urge to barcrawl and bedhop will resurface as well. Does your wife fully understand this risk of your personality flipping inside out? Have you involved her in understanding you and helping you so you can be closer?

 

I do think you should tell her, and it should be in a structured way with a lot of third party support (counselor) and also YOU doing a lot of upfront work on root causes and corrective actions. Alcohol is a root cause; being apart from your wife is a root cause; and I am sure there are many more primary and buried root causes in there, as to why you would do something that has put your entire life in hellish turmoil. Put a serious, workable plan in place that doesn't depend on your feelings to keep you sober or keep your pants on.

 

Good luck!

[SoleMate]

And on the OB /GYN question.....the early products of conception are red, like a blob of blood. The actual embryo might be 0.2 mm in diameter at 2 weeks (basically invisible). The vagina can discharge all types of mucus at various times, so without a much fuller description, it's hard to confirm what the "lots of white tissue" might be. (Assuming it ever existed at all....keep in mind this woman could be lying to you or manipulating you.....kinda like you did to her. )

[Sad_Panda03]

Thank you Sole Mate,

 

I am working on discovering the root cause of this behavior. I think a lot of it stems from addiction problems. I am a normal, level-headed professional when I am sober, but as soon as I start drinking or drugging, it's like someone turns on a switch and I become a monster. Any self-respect goes out the window. I just want more and want to do whatever will give me pleasure. A true addict.

 

These actions don't take place and never have taken place when I've been sober. I used to get high back in college and sleep around as much as possible. I always was very sexually promiscuous and I've been very tempted in my marriage, but the sex with my wife IS very good, and it makes me happy. When sober, I have no desire to do anything like this.

 

I really don't think there are any emotional / psychological problems triggering these actions other than addiction issues that have been present all of my life. I was 21 when I first went to rehab.

 

Yes, I know she could be lying to me. From google searches of her description, these types of results came up:

 

http://www.healthcaremagic.com/premiumquestions/Passing-white-tissue-clot-from-vagina-What-is-causing-this/47754

www.steadyhealth.com/topics/vaginal-tissue-discharge

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Womens-Health/White-blood-clot/show/32371

 

Her description sounded like the second link I posted, except she had no period, but from what I'm reading, PCOS can stop your from having a period, or cause it to be really screwed up.

Edited July 17, 2015 by Sad_Panda03