MM left wife... but

[ConfusedKT]

I've been with my AP for around 6 months after nearly 2 years of friendship. We used to talk about how unhappy we were, when we got together we both said we would leave our spouses. I did it a lot sooner than him. He left his wife about a month ago. There are no children involved. After he left she found out he'd been seeing me recently, not the full extent of the affair. She (obviously) was very angry/upset. He's now cooled things off with me, we're still in constant contact via txt but he doesn't want her to know about me so won't see me in case she finds out. He said he felt guilty for hurting her. He's been going to see to talk about things, she wants to try, he said he is not going back but he's told her he'll have no contact with me. I can see he doesn't want to cause her anymore pain than is necessary, but now she knows, surely it's better to just ride it out as we're only going to have to deal with it again at some point when we do get together?

[Lurkeraspect]

I've been with my AP for around 6 months after nearly 2 years of friendship. We used to talk about how unhappy we were, when we got together we both said we would leave our spouses. I did it a lot sooner than him. He left his wife about a month ago. There are no children involved. After he left she found out he'd been seeing me recently, not the full extent of the affair. She (obviously) was very angry/upset. He's now cooled things off with me, we're still in constant contact via txt but he doesn't want her to know about me so won't see me in case she finds out. He said he felt guilty for hurting her. He's been going to see to talk about things, she wants to try, he said he is not going back but he's told her he'll have no contact with me. I can see he doesn't want to cause her anymore pain than is necessary, but now she knows, surely it's better to just ride it out as we're only going to have to deal with it again at some point when we do get together?

 

I can only imagine how this all makes you feel. Unfortunalty, based on what you've shared, he's not where you are. It sounds like he's wanting to keep his marriage intact, blow off his relationship with you, and ultimately, stay married. Doesn't sound good for you.

 

Of course, once he's smoothed things out at home, convinced his wife that you're (insert whatever) out of the picture, he'll be back.

 

Bottom line; based on his behavior, he's not leaving his marriage. He's happy where he sits, probably isn't leaving, and you'll be the fall back girl/woman.

 

This story has been told here thousands of times. I truly hope you left your marriage because of dissatisfaction, and not because of what you think he'll bring you. Cause honestly, sounds like many lonely days and nights are in your future.

[TaraMaiden2]

He's a coward and a liar, and he's giving her the 'trickle truth' treatment.

 

This is how he is treating her.

This is how he will treat you.

 

If you were to contact her and reveal the true, genuine and honest extent of his involvement with you, she would blow a gasket, turf him out, be done with him and you would have a man who bears resentment and anger against you for daring to be honest, where he would prefer to sabotage both his marriage and relationship with you, and maintain a false image in his wife's eyes.

 

if you do NOT contact her and reveal the true, genuine and honest extent of his involvement with you, you risk this going on for the foreseeable future, being sidelined, hidden, and subject to his dishonesty and erratic attention, while all the time, he pulls the wool over her eyes and plays both of you for fools.

 

 

Damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

 

I honestly wouldn't worry any more about what this scheister does.

I'd focus on what you intend to do.

Really... I'd walk. Fast.

And unhesitatingly, in the opposite direction.

Fall off his radar and 'ghost' him.

[ConfusedKT]

It makes me feel heartbroken to think that. Why would say all these things, he loves me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me, wants us to have children, if he's going to go back to a marriage he wasn't happy in.

[Mascara]

surely it's better to just ride it out as we're only going to have to deal with it again at some point when we do get together?

 

You will not reach this point. A man in love does not cool things off because he's afraid of hurting someone else.

 

It's often been said that once an affair is in the open, it shines a spotlight on it. When it's secret and clandestine, it's romantic. Once everyone knows, and MM actually sees the disgust and disapproval of others..... that's often when he backs off and wants his old life back.

 

Whilst that may be simplistic, there is some truth in it. Put it down to panic, fear or just plain ignorance of what his marriage and public life meant to him.... but it's not uncommon for a MM to leave with one intention, and then quickly change his mind.

[TaraMaiden2]

It makes me feel heartbroken to think that. Why would say all these things, he loves me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me, wants us to have children, if he's going to go back to a marriage he wasn't happy in.

Because the brown malodorous excrement has hit the Mechanical rotating ventilator device.

 

This is real.

Suddenly, it's all coming out and the rubber's hitting the road.

It's crunch time.

 

he hasn't had to actually FACE the situation before now.

It's all been secret, discreet, exciting, hidden, clandestine.... now it's turning ugly.

 

I don't know what lies he told her for leaving her, but she found out about you afterwards.

This puts him very firmly in the 'guilty of a whole lot of crap' zone.

And he doesn't want to be the guilty party.

 

Why did he tell her the marriage was over? What original reason did he give her for leaving her?

If you weren't mentioned, or part of the evident equation - he lied to her, didn't he?

[ConfusedKT]

You will not reach this point. A man in love does not cool things off because he's afraid of hurting someone else.

 

It's often been said that once an affair is in the open, it shines a spotlight on it. When it's secret and clandestine, it's romantic. Once everyone knows, and MM actually sees the disgust and disapproval of others..... that's often when he backs off and wants his old life back.

 

Whilst that may be simplistic, there is some truth in it. Put it down to panic, fear or just plain ignorance of what his marriage and public life meant to him.... but it's not uncommon for a MM to leave with one intention, and then quickly change his mind.

 

But wouldn't he just tell me that? I've given him plenty of opportunities to walk away and go back if that's what he wants but he keeps telling me he wants us to be together.

[ConfusedKT]

Because the brown malodorous excrement has hit the Mechanical rotating ventilator device.

 

This is real.

Suddenly, it's all coming out and the rubber's hitting the road.

It's crunch time.

 

he hasn't had to actually FACE the situation before now.

It's all been secret, discreet, exciting, hidden, clandestine.... now it's turning ugly.

 

I don't know what lies he told her for leaving her, but she found out about you afterwards.

This puts him very firmly in the 'guilty of a whole lot of crap' zone.

And he doesn't want to be the guilty party.

 

Why did he tell her the marriage was over? What original reason did he give her for leaving her?

If you weren't mentioned, or part of the evident equation - he lied to her, didn't he?

 

He just told her he didn't love her anymore. I think you're right that he doesn't want to feel guilty, but surely that's a self preservation thing?

[Mascara]

But wouldn't he just tell me that? I've given him plenty of opportunities to walk away and go back if that's what he wants but he keeps telling me he wants us to be together.

 

..... and potentially risk losing you if his wife tells him to sling his hook? He's seeing how things pan out with her first, and then he'll be back - where you'll either end up with him by default because his wife doesn't want him, or he'll want to continue the affair.

 

The best situation from the OW point of view has been denied you because of his actions - that he leaves without hesitation and deals with the fallout with OW by his side, because she is the only woman he wants to be with.

[goodyblue]

KT, one thing I always think of when I hear this scenario (it happens sometimes and of course we hear about it here), is what happened with my h and I. Right after she found the bat phone and he left, he said that he needed to cool things off for a bit. His reason was more financial, that and that she would go to the church and we had been outed before we were ready.

 

I called his bluff. I quite literally said 'why wait, let's just break up because I am through playing games' and hung up the phone. We were long distance at the time so he had no way to get to me. I immediately deleted our email and stopped answering my phone. It lasted about 2 hours and he called me about 40 times.

 

This did two things:

 

Made him realize I was capable of moving on.

 

Made him realize I was through playing games.

 

The thing is, I wasn't kidding. I just felt I had put up with enough and I was through with the bull. He was either going to man up or I was going to walk.

 

He is fouling to show his true colors right now but you have control of you. If you are ok with what is happening then hang in there. If not, don't put up with it. In the end you must be able to look yourself in the mirror.

 

I won't tell you what to do, really just telling you what I did and letting you know that some of us have been through it. It sucks but only you know what you can handle.

 

Good luck. <3

[ConfusedKT]

..... and potentially risk losing you if his wife tells him to sling his hook? He's seeing how things pan out with her first, and then he'll be back - where you'll either end up with him by default because his wife doesn't want him, or he'll want to continue the affair.

 

The best situation from the OW point of view has been denied you because of his actions - that he leaves without hesitation and deals with the fallout with OW by his side, because she is the only woman he wants to be with.

 

She wants him back, he said he's not going back. He hasn't moved back in. I really don't think he wants to get back with his wife and continue the affair.

Should I give him some kind of ultimatum?!

[goodyblue]

I apologize... 'fouling' should be 'going'.

[ConfusedKT]

If you are ok with what is happening then hang in there. If not, don't put up with it. In the end you must be able to look yourself in the mirror.

 

In don't think I am ok with it, otherwise I wouldn't be searching for answers on here. But I also don't want to risk losing him. I feel such a mess right now, my thoughts of him consume me and I don't know what to do. I feel heartbroken and we're not even over.

[Popsicle]

I think he won't move back in with W but I think he wants to date you both. Secretly, only he's kind of told you that he's dating her again but not really. You may ask why he's still seeing her? Because he thinks she'll be on better behavior now and treat him better and he want to see what she has to offer. If he likes it enough, he will go back to her, all while having you waiting in the background.

 

If I were in this position, I would do what "goodyblue" said.

[TaraMaiden2]

He just told her he didn't love her anymore. I think you're right that he doesn't want to feel guilty, but surely that's a self preservation thing?

Not really. He's thrown you into the lie, by withholding information.

Really, the adage 'honesty is the best policy' has more than a grain of truth to it.

By not giving her the truth, he's disrespecting her, and disrespecting you.

 

She wants him back, he said he's not going back. He hasn't moved back in. I really don't think he wants to get back with his wife and continue the affair.

Should I give him some kind of ultimatum?!

She wants him back based on the information he has given her. Can't you see how badly he is dangling both of you? By continuing to lie, he's giving you both false hope!

 

An Ultimatum?

What kind of ultimatum?

As a Mistress, what kind of ultimatum could you possibly give him that would make this better?

Either way, as I said above, you end up shooting YOURSELF in the foot...

 

In don't think I am ok with it, otherwise I wouldn't be searching for answers on here. But I also don't want to risk losing him. I feel such a mess right now, my thoughts of him consume me and I don't know what to do. I feel heartbroken and we're not even over.

 

Risk losing him?

I think that's already happened by the very evident fact that he's prevaricating, lying and cheating....

Consider his true character, as it has now been revealed.

What would you tell the OP if this was a stranger, posting?

 

Really...?

[Popsicle]

I feel heartbroken and we're not even over.

 

All OW feel this way at some point.

[elaine567]

I can see he doesn't want to cause her anymore pain than is necessary, but now she knows, surely it's better to just ride it out as we're only going to have to deal with it again at some point when we do get together?

 

I guess you are not going to get together, at least not in the way you think you are.

 

During the A he kept two plates spinning quite successfully and no doubt he was basically happy. Many men in affairs I guess want a harem. He is special, he is da man, he has two women who both love him, what is not to like?

Many men are desperate for one woman to even give them the time of day, and HE has two, both besotted, so he is riding high in the self esteem stakes.

 

On dday, one of the plates (his wife) was in danger of spinning off and crashing to the ground, so now he is in emergency mode trying to make sure that plate keeps spinning.

The other plate (you) he is pretty certain is spinning nicely so he can afford to ignore - all his effort is now concentrated on the wonky plate, ie his wife.

I guess he wants things back the way they were.

 

IF he was truly serious about making a go of it with you and IF he was crazy about you then he would have been sleeping in your bed from day one after dday, and/or the two of you would be sitting there discussing strategies re his divorce.

 

BUT instead he has cooled things off with you, and he is sitting I guess trying to get back into his wife's good books somehow and trying to run some damage control.

 

Once the wife is back on board he can pick you up again, and carry on as he left off, I am sure he could somehow persuade you to keep waiting for him...

OR if the wife is truly gone, he can:-

1) up his commitment to you.

2) realise you are not the woman he wants to have a life with. Many MM when they leave, do not see their OW as LTR material, so they then start looking for a more faithful partner and not someone who is prepared to cheat. Hypocritical, yes but can sometimes be the reality.

 

I think you need to stop listening to what he says and start looking at his actions.

[sandylee1]

if he's going to go back to a marriage he wasn't happy in.

 

But is he really unhappy? Or just happy to have two women in his life.

 

Because this would have been the perfect opportunity to end his marriage. No kids meaning he could make a clean break.

 

You're being dangled on a string right now.

 

I suggest you set a timeline in your mind and if you haven't heard from him regarding moving this forward , then you tell him it's over and go NC. Block him in every way possible. Then move on with your life.

[AnotherSadSong]

Hi. Texas is an at fault state when it comes to divorce. If his wife found you were dating after he left she may be looking into it. He may be protecting himself and you throughout the divorce.

[serial muse]

I suspect it's image control. Probably, when he left, he thought he could extract himself in a way that his wife would still "like" him and think well of him as a human being, even if she was sad and hurt at his leaving. He could preserve the fiction that it was an "honorable" exit from a relationship that just wasn't working.

 

Now she knows it was a bit more sordid than that, and her view of him has changed accordingly, and he wasn't prepared for that. That's why he's in damage control mode. What looked romantic when it was your secret now looks kind of ugly, and he knows that.

 

The thing is, he can't really control this fallout, but I guess he's going to try, as WS generally do. The horses have already escaped, but the tap-dancing to explain their departure has begun.

 

He's probably not going back to her, but he's likely very confused about how to handle the image control -- and make no mistake, that's the priority for him at this point, based on his actions. A lot of wayward spouses become obsessed with maintaining the image of a "good person". That's what he's doing. As elaine said, he's concentrating on the wobbly plate that no longer sees him that way. He knows you still want him and is hoping you won't start to see him as an ass, too.

 

Basically, it's really selfish behavior.

 

The question for you is what you think, now that you're seeing this side of him. These actions are just a phase - at some point, his wife may decide "**** this" and then, when he realizes he's lost control of her point of view completely, he'll give up and he'll be all yours. But will you still want him, now that you've seen what you've seen? Or she may genuinely want to work things out, and this phase will be very drawn out - doesn't sound like he'll be the guy to say "no, sorry, it's over". He wants her to do it. So you'll get to see even more of this side of him.

 

It's not pretty. I'm sorry.

[daisygirl19]

I have a different take on this. When my FMM left his wife, she reacted the same way. He never went back, but did go to MC to help him end the marriage. Granted, he and his ex-wife were not on the same page there. She wanted to save the marriage, he wanted to end it - and did.

 

Your MM made the decision to leave, after a 6 month affair. That isn't typical. He may be dealing with a lot of guilt and may be trying to find the best way to end his marriage with the least amount of pain possible for his wife. My guess is, especially because she "knows" about you, he simply doesn't want to be seen as the "bad guy" and wants to end the marriage on equal footing.

[elaine567]

Hi. Texas is an at fault state when it comes to divorce. If his wife found you were dating after he left she may be looking into it. He may be protecting himself and you throughout the divorce.

 

OK I get that but if he was doing that, he surely he should have told her that was his intention and they could of both formulated a plan of action. Instead he cooled things off and left her dangling here on her own so he can sort stuff out with his hurt wife.

The OP is a grown women who has already gone through divorce herself not some toddler, that needs kept in the dark and protected.

That is why I do not believe he is doing that at all.

[Got it]

I suspect it's image control. Probably, when he left, he thought he could extract himself in a way that his wife would still "like" him and think well of him as a human being, even if she was sad and hurt at his leaving. He could preserve the fiction that it was an "honorable" exit from a relationship that just wasn't working.

 

Now she knows it was a bit more sordid than that, and her view of him has changed accordingly, and he wasn't prepared for that. That's why he's in damage control mode. What looked romantic when it was your secret now looks kind of ugly, and he knows that.

 

The thing is, he can't really control this fallout, but I guess he's going to try, as WS generally do. The horses have already escaped, but the tap-dancing to explain their departure has begun.

 

He's probably not going back to her, but he's likely very confused about how to handle the image control -- and make no mistake, that's the priority for him at this point, based on his actions. A lot of wayward spouses become obsessed with maintaining the image of a "good person". That's what he's doing. As elaine said, he's concentrating on the wobbly plate that no longer sees him that way. He knows you still want him and is hoping you won't start to see him as an ass, too.

 

Basically, it's really selfish behavior.

 

The question for you is what you think, now that you're seeing this side of him. These actions are just a phase - at some point, his wife may decide "**** this" and then, when he realizes he's lost control of her point of view completely, he'll give up and he'll be all yours. But will you still want him, now that you've seen what you've seen? Or she may genuinely want to work things out, and this phase will be very drawn out - doesn't sound like he'll be the guy to say "no, sorry, it's over". He wants her to do it. So you'll get to see even more of this side of him.

 

It's not pretty. I'm sorry.

 

Okay, OP, as a previous MP in an affair, divorced in the affair, had a married AP who had a dday and divorced, above is more likely it than what others are posting.

 

Why is he doing it? Because he didn't expect her to find out and now he is a deer in the headlights trying to figure out how to come out of this unscathed. So, sure, he is telling her what she wants to hear. Does it mean anything? Maybe. Maybe not. Right now he is in self preservation mode and isn't thinking a heck of a lot. He is just reacting.

 

So what does this mean to you? Well you control your life and what you are willing to compromise on or not. I will tell you, I threw down the gauntlet at dday. While I was very sympathetic about the emotional turmoil he and the family were in and while I didn't doubt his feelings for me and what he wanted, that didn't mean he was going to be wishy washy with my heart.

 

So I walked. I decided to knock him off the fence and let him see what life without his lovely little mistress was like and what reconciliation was like and pick appropriately. I could not control what he was going to do but I wasn't going to make it easier either. Now was the cross roads.

 

So, I said, I am walking, if you catch up and I want to be with you, bully for us. But if you take too long, you lose me. I understood the upheaval (sorry that was his baby to rock) but I couldn't be in the middle any longer.

 

So OP, do what is best for your life. Do what you think you will look back on a few years from now and will rest easy with the decision. This isn't about losing him. If you lose him you already lost him. This is about what you want in your life, your value, and what your expectations are. Sit and think over things, write them out, narrow them down and then tell him.

 

Only you know what you are willing to compromise on and what is a deal breaker. You know your self the best and are your own best advocate. I know this is a really rough time right now. Try and focus on other areas of your life, friends, kids, work, etc. so you don't lose sight of the big picture as well. He, like all romantic relationships, should be icing on the cake - not the cake.

 

(((())))

[anika99]

I agree with the 2 former OW who are now in marriages with their former MM. Don't let this MM play around and drag this out and make it worse for everyone involved. If you let him play these games with you it will only damage your chances for having a successful relationship with him later on as there will be so much hurt and resentment and distrust built up and the two of you may never recover from it. Take a stand for yourself and let him know that you won't put up with being a dirty secret for one more second.

[Popsicle]

The fact that W requested that he be NC with you and he agreed is what makes me think he's trying to keep a relationship going with the W too. If they aren't reconciling, why would the W even need to know that the A is over and that he doesn't speak to you anymore? She thinks they are reconciling because he TOLD her they were.