HappyAgain2014 Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 But wouldn't he just tell me that? I've given him plenty of opportunities to walk away and go back if that's what he wants but he keeps telling me he wants us to be together. The reality here is his wife knows about you so what's the point in him placating her if he intends to be with you? There's no way to undo the knowledge of an affair and that it was with you. No amount of talking or marriage counseling will undo that. At this point, he might as well just be with you, right? Yet he's not doing that. Also, if he loves you so much, why would he put you through this uncertainty? Why would he risk you either returning to your husband or ending the affair? I don't think you'll do this but you should end the affair and end all contact. Of course he will then tell you it's all because you weren't patient, didn't support him, blah blah. Hopefully you are starting to see the utter selfishness he exhibits. It all seems shocking but remember, his wife was the unknowing victim of the selfishness through the affair. Bottom line.... She knows so there's no better time for him to be honest with her and leave. The fact that he isn't should speak volumes to you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
daisygirl19 Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 The fact that W requested that he be NC with you and he agreed is what makes me think he's trying to keep a relationship going with the W too. If they aren't reconciling, why would the W even need to know that the A is over and that he doesn't speak to you anymore? She thinks they are reconciling because he TOLD her they were. Good point. In my situation, his ex-wife requested NC from both of us. We both refused. Her reasoning was that she was afraid people would speculate that we were having an affair and he was leaving her for me. She was terrified of the public perception of that. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 The fact that W requested that he be NC with you and he agreed is what makes me think he's trying to keep a relationship going with the W too. If they aren't reconciling, why would the W even need to know that the A is over and that he doesn't speak to you anymore? She thinks they are reconciling because he TOLD her they were. I agree. I see him either doing the slow fade or ending it by telling the OW he can't take all the pressure. You start to see the real man when it's all not about rainbows and unicorns. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Good point. In my situation, his ex-wife requested NC from both of us. We both refused. Her reasoning was that she was afraid people would speculate that we were having an affair and he was leaving her for me. She was terrified of the public perception of that. Well that's different than reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 The fact that W requested that he be NC with you and he agreed is what makes me think he's trying to keep a relationship going with the W too. If they aren't reconciling, why would the W even need to know that the A is over and that he doesn't speak to you anymore? She thinks they are reconciling because he TOLD her they were. Not necessarily. Could be but also even if they are divorcing/separated it will still be asked. The idea that the OW is in the person's life at all will be brought up in divorce negotiations even if the state doesn't really look at it. It is an easy thing to threaten and is very common from what I have seen/heard. Dating is one thing, being with the OW, sacrilegious. So he literally could be agreeing just to make the short term easier. To make the potential divorce proceedings easier. Not saying it is one way or the other. But I know when it was found out that my husband was dating me again, after they were separated and living separately and definitely moving on with the divorce (there is a cool off period in our state), the dark stuff definitely hit the fan. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedKT Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 I have a different take on this. When my FMM left his wife, she reacted the same way. He never went back, but did go to MC to help him end the marriage. Granted, he and his ex-wife were not on the same page there. She wanted to save the marriage, he wanted to end it - and did. Your MM made the decision to leave, after a 6 month affair. That isn't typical. He may be dealing with a lot of guilt and may be trying to find the best way to end his marriage with the least amount of pain possible for his wife. My guess is, especially because she "knows" about you, he simply doesn't want to be seen as the "bad guy" and wants to end the marriage on equal footing. Thank you... Yes I think this is what he's feeling. When you say it's not typical, do you mean the affair is quite short? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedKT Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Thank you everyone for your replies... It has given me a lot to consider. We're meeting up in a couple of days so I'm going to try and press him on exactly what he hopes to achieve by keeping his wife happy (and me not so happy!!) I wish I was brave enough to end it and go NC but I'm deeply in love with him. I can't imagine being without him, and I know it's pathetic, but even if he went back is still want him. I'd hope I'd find it within myself not to do that but it's so hard. I never imagined being in this position. Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 He sounds like he cares for you. You have only been in a relationship for 6 months, he might see that as you guys are still a work in progress, growing together, and he might not want you mixed up in all the nastiness of divorce proceedings. I hope you gain a further understanding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 ConfusedKT, please just remember this one thing as you consider the way forward: You get what you settle for. If he wants to go back to his wife and you settle for always being second string as the OW, then that is all you will get. If you decide that you want to be someone's priority - that you are *worth* being someone's main priority and for him to put your happiness above other peoples', then that is what you will get. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Stupidly... yes At least you acknowledge the stupidity of the action. At some point, the Affair Fog will subside and you reflect on the myriad of stupid decisions that you will have - and probably will still make - in the process. If you end up with him, you may realize that he is not All That And A Bag Of Chips. Many affairs do not ultimately make good long-lasting relationship for when the Affair Fog clears, and reality sets in, people involved see each other for who they are and the relationships break apart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Stupidly... yes Why? For how long? What's in it for you, that could possibly indicate that waiting for an indeterminate period of time, for an uncertain outcome, would be the best thing to do? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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