Moving homes b/c of insecurities

[tiki]

Another post reminded me of this scenario.

 

I had my house built two years ago. I had it built for my son and I. It's a three bedroom house with a bonus room and a formal dining area - so it's not shabby by any means. It's about 2000 square foot. When my son and I moved in, we had PLENTY of room, as you can imagine.

 

Then enters K. We fell in love. He has a (now) six year old daughter. My house was a home to her anytime she was with him, EXCEPT for sleeping. He had an apartment, so she slept over there when it was his visitation time. But otherwise, my home was home. I rarely went to K's apartment...either did he. He only stayed the night when I didn't have my son, moved in when we wed. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

 

Well, confessing to K (in March 2004) that I had carried on a four year relationship with my married boss, he felt a wee-bit threatened. He's copes fairly well with it now, and he knows I didn't cheat on him, so it can't be held against me regarding OUR relationship. I ceased the relationship when I began to have an interest in K.

 

But ANYWAY, I've slept with this other guy (pre K) in my home. K has issues with this. Just small issues really, he's only mentioned it once. When we talk about having a child together one day, we talk about the room issue in my home, liking to have a four bedroom house and all (without giving up the bonus room). But my home does have room, so it's fairly accomodating. But K gets weird. He confessed that he's a little weirded out that I slept with 'HIM' (as we call him) in this home. Sure, it's our home now. But it doesn't sit well with K.

 

Is he being selfish? Am I being inconsiderate? I built this home before K was even a sparkle in my eye!

 

So anyway, it makes me not want to do too much to the house, energy into the yard and stuff, because I know ultimately he's gonna wanna move. But I don't wanna move!!!! It's my house!!!! It's in a perfect neighborhood. And I love e/t about it. Except for that. Did I mention I'm also horrible with change?!

 

Funny thing is, his credit is JACKED UP. So even if we did move...this outta be interesting.

 

Does he have a right to be selfish on these grounds? We haven't talked hardly at all about it. I just wanted your opinion.

 

P.S. Thank goodness I didn't sleep with 'HIM' in my new sleigh bed. That'd be a goner too, eh?

 

Thanks guys.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Tiki

 

When my partner moved into my former marital home, it was a bit awkward for him as well. He pushed all his belongings into a corner and refused to spread out. I literally had to take the initiative to place his nick-knacks and family photos about the house so that it would feel more like 'home' to him.

 

I got rid of any residual reminders of my former relationship with the exception of my daughter's photos. No ghosts of the ex husband laying about. I also got rid of all the furniture in an extra bedroom and we turned it into a "guy cave." Everyone needs their own space.

 

As time went on (about a year), my partner finally began to feel more comfortable and settled in. He started doing his own projects around the house and we've been turning these four walls into "our home" ever since. My partner's handprint and heart is all over the place right now and it's as much of a reflection of his personality as it is mine. It barely resembles its former self. After all, a house is just a house…but 'love' is what makes it a home.

 

I don't know if you'd ever consider doing this, but what I eventually did was 'sell' half of my home to my partner. This way, it would REALLY feel like his. You might also consider changing some of the rooms in your home and letting him have some input on how things should be re-done. It might help him to make the transition and feel more comfortable.

 

Other than that, I'm clean out of ideas. Although I can somewhat understand how uncomfortable it would feel to move into an unfamiliar place, particularly if it was haunted by the memories of a former lover. But all of that is mostly in his head, and moving to a new place won't help to rid him of those mental images if he's still unable to come to terms with your past.

 

I think it just takes time.

[Naive]

for some reason I thought you had known you had been with your husband for years before you got married

[tiki]

enig....thank you soooooo much! Your post brought tears to my eyes. Then the receptionist walked in to ask me a question....lmao. You raise such good points. Everything in our home is agreed upon now, mutually. We have made a lot of decisions just since he moved in in December. He's re-done the whole yard, we've painted, the whole nine.

 

What is nice is that the ex was never here, except for sex on a couple of occasions. So it's not like he had ANY input on the home at all....thank goodness.

 

 

Originally posted by ~Naive~

for some reason I thought you had known you had been with your husband for years before you got married

 

Newp. I had known of K through a mutual friend that I had met after my divorce, but we started dating in 11-2003. We got married in 12-2004. Hope I unserstood your question correctly.

[laRubiaBonita]

ok, well i think K ids being pretty naive and childish. what if you two both bought an older home. would K still feel wierd that other people had lived there before you two? how didi he manage to live in an apartment?

 

i could see maybe the mattress, or some sexy underwear.....but a HOUSE! c'mon!

 

then, Tiki, you say he has only mentioned it once..... how does that one comment get blown outta porportion in your mind?

[tiki]

Originally posted by laRubiaBonita

then, Tiki, you say he has only mentioned it once..... how does that one comment get blown outta porportion in your mind?

 

Because we're thinking of *TRYING* to have kids in the near future. Which would mean that we'd have to do some re-arranging in the home for a baby. Which would mean possibly a new home, who knows.

 

He was very embarrased when he told me. I had to dig it out of him. I said something about being there forever and he said "What if I don't want to be in this house forever?"...I was like, uh-oh.....so I had to force him to spill da beans.