cancer

[norudder]

Has anyone had to experience going through cancer in your long term marriage? How was your relationship before/after?

[GorillaTheater]

No, thank God, and I'm very sorry you're dealing with this. Best wishes, Norudder.

[OldRover]

Has anyone had to experience going through cancer in your long term marriage? How was your relationship before/after?

 

Not me personally, but mom went thru this. There were very difficult times, and unfortunately cancer usually wins, unless caught very early. The goal is to get in in remission or stopped ASAP, and can be very painful and time consuming.

 

My parents did the best they could, but cancer finally took her, and when that was evident, her last remaining time was with a niece doing hospice work for her and my Dad was very understanding. Wasn't easy.

 

My best college buddy also went thru this and his last few years were just devastating, at we all knew he wouldn't survive. The chemo treatments just drained him, and his wife (who is my cousin). Sad story, and hope you don't have to go through that. This was a story of just not being caught soon enough, and he lost both his brother and dad to cancer.

 

Best of luck to you and sorry you're going thru this. Sometimes being supportive is all you can do.. but certainly shop for the very best treatment.

[central]

We were lucky. It was caught early, and treated surgically. Radiation was strongly urged as well, but she refused - which I agree was the right choice given the statistics and risks. So far, no recurrence.

 

It made no difference to our relationship. It was great before, and is still just as wonderful. Yes, it was a stressful time while dealing with it for about 6 months, but we got through it fine.

[norudder]

No, thank God, and I'm very sorry you're dealing with this. Best wishes, Norudder.

 

Its not me. I can't accept undue sympathy.

[Timshel]

Yes, my husband passed of brain cancer. It was difficult for everyone. For him, the surgeries and treatment were exhausting and of course made him very sick. There were several extended hospital stays before he went into hospice.

It's a very difficult thing to go through for the patient, family and friends. I wouldn't want anyone to live it but unfortunately many do.

I'm always very glad to hear about the success stories.

[minimariah]

so sorry for everyone who had to go through this.

 

i have no personal experience - but my mother had breast cancer a couple of years ago & it did change her relationship with her partner... for the better. it made them stronger and when they realized that they are MORTAL... i think it made them value their time together that much more... if it makes sense?

[RainDown]

Sorry, norudder, but I'm going to step in here and be the mean girl. These nice people are sharing and reliving some very painful times in their lives for your benefit, which I think is awesome.

 

But it's a bit disingenuous for you to not have shared the fact that it's your MMs wife who has cancer and your interest is in whether or not his wife's cancer will bring them closer together and push you out of the mix or if MM will leave BS despite the fact she has cancer.

 

I'm not normally a tattletale, but you are bringing up very intimate pain for the nice people in this thread simply to further your own agenda of "getting your man".

 

I don't think that's nice.

[waterwoman]

A colleague's W had breast cancer a few years ago. She had a mastectomy and recovered with no recurrence (so far). As far as I know they are doing OK - but he had to be there for her 100% - he had a great deal of compassionate leave and she was his main focus.

[MidwestUSA]

Sorry, norudder, but I'm going to step in here and be the mean girl. These nice people are sharing and reliving some very painful times in their lives for your benefit, which I think is awesome.

 

But it's a bit disingenuous for you to not have shared the fact that it's your MMs wife who has cancer and your interest is in whether or not his wife's cancer will bring them closer together and push you out of the mix or if MM will leave BS despite the fact she has cancer.

 

I'm not normally a tattletale, but you are bringing up very intimate pain for the nice people in this thread simply to further your own agenda of "getting your man".

 

I don't think that's nice.

 

Wow, thank you rain.

 

It's not healthy to sit and speculate how the outcome will affect you. Whether he'll stay with her or leave, or she'll die and he'll fall into your arms. Speculating about his other OW as well! Maybe he'll end up with her!

 

All this speculating is holding you back, as is your secret desire for revenge.

 

Wow, just wow. The only person you should be worrying about right now is YOU.

[norudder]

I'm clearly still kind of obsessed. I realize this. I'm working on it. Sorry.

[MidwestUSA]

I'm clearly still kind of obsessed. I realize this. I'm working on it. Sorry.

 

 

Good luck, keep working! At least you realize it.

[OldRover]

Sorry, norudder, but I'm going to step in here and be the mean girl. These nice people are sharing and reliving some very painful times in their lives for your benefit, which I think is awesome.

 

But it's a bit disingenuous for you to not have shared the fact that it's your MMs wife who has cancer and your interest is in whether or not his wife's cancer will bring them closer together and push you out of the mix or if MM will leave BS despite the fact she has cancer.

 

I'm not normally a tattletale, but you are bringing up very intimate pain for the nice people in this thread simply to further your own agenda of "getting your man".

 

I don't think that's nice.

 

While it's nice to know that, she will still feel the effects of it, MM or not. The MM will have some reaction, and that will affect her.

 

Right now can't comment about their relationship because I don't know what it is. There is probably a lot more to the story, but have no issue with her original post and we "may" be of some help to her.

[RainDown]

I'm clearly still kind of obsessed. I realize this. I'm working on it. Sorry.

 

I know you're working on it. I do. And I know you're torn up by everything that is going on. Please, please back away from all this. You are hurting yourself.

[norudder]

While it's nice to know that, she will still feel the effects of it, MM or not. The MM will have some reaction, and that will affect her.

 

Right now can't comment about their relationship because I don't know what it is. There is probably a lot more to the story, but have no issue with her original post and we "may" be of some help to her.

 

The advice on the ow board is that if you want feedback on a relationship without taking the affair dynamic in consideration to post on the "normal" boards. I guess I thought that's what I was doing but see how because its really someone else's relationship I'm trying to get insight on (which may or may not impact me, but shouldn't care) and that its in regard to the painful experience of cancer I was being insensitive. Again, sorry.

 

Thank you for your kind and pragmatic response.

[spanz1]

3 words: its a biyatch

 

 

During the fighting of the cancer, there is a weird mix of denial, self pity, feeling bad, feeling helpless, feeling mad, worrying, more denial. So do NOT be upset if your spouse is in a bad mood about the whole thing...try to be forgiving and thick skinned.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry, norudder, but I'm going to step in here and be the mean girl. These nice people are sharing and reliving some very painful times in their lives for your benefit, which I think is awesome.

 

But it's a bit disingenuous for you to not have shared the fact that it's your MMs wife who has cancer and your interest is in whether or not his wife's cancer will bring them closer together and push you out of the mix or if MM will leave BS despite the fact she has cancer.

 

I'm not normally a tattletale, but you are bringing up very intimate pain for the nice people in this thread simply to further your own agenda of "getting your man".

 

I don't think that's nice.

 

One of my closest friends had breast cancer. She survived it and is in total remission. Her husband was supportive, loving and did everything, picked up the slack around the house and with the kids, he kept the humour going in the house, kept things light and easy. They are closer than ever now.

 

My father had cancer, unfortunately the shi.tty disease took him from us. My parents would still be together if my father hadn't passed away or even got cancer.

 

Please, for your own sake and the best interest of your MM's family, walk away. End it and allow him to be there for her full time. She needs him 100%. He isn't yours for taking though he is a REAL SH.T to cheat on his wife while she suffers through cancer. An honest man, a good man would NEVER EVER do this.

[Lois_Griffin]

He isn't yours for taking though he is a REAL SH.T to cheat on his wife while she suffers through cancer. An honest man, a good man would NEVER EVER do this.

Although I know it falls on deaf ears, I'm repeating this for truth. This type of behavior is probably even lower than the pieces of sh*t who cheat on their wives while they're pregnant and/or have just become new mothers.

 

Any man whose able to sink to this level has actually dug himself a crawlspace UNDER his lowest point in life.

 

With that said, I knew of an older couple (mid-50's) that seemed to have an OK marriage but nothing real romantic or earth-shattering. He always tended to be off puttering around in the garage, keeping to himself.

 

Then his wife got brain cancer.

 

This quiet, seemingly uncaring man became her devoted caretaker. I honestly NEVER saw anything like it. For 10 long years, he devoted himself to her daily care, never faltering. She eventually became wheelchair bound and he made sure she was never alone for a minute. I was absolutely gob smacked by this 180 degree turn he did. I never figured him for the type.

 

And when she passed 10 years later, he was a broken man.

 

He really restored my faith in humanity and I'll always have nothing but huge respect and admiration for him.

 

That's the only story I know about personally, and the dynamic between the husband and wife once she was diagnosed.

[OldRover]

One of my closest friends had breast cancer. She survived it and is in total remission. Her husband was supportive, loving and did everything, picked up the slack around the house and with the kids, he kept the humour going in the house, kept things light and easy. They are closer than ever now.

 

My father had cancer, unfortunately the shi.tty disease took him from us. My parents would still be together if my father hadn't passed away or even got cancer.

 

Please, for your own sake and the best interest of your MM's family, walk away. End it and allow him to be there for her full time. She needs him 100%. He isn't yours for taking though he is a REAL SH.T to cheat on his wife while she suffers through cancer. An honest man, a good man would NEVER EVER do this.

 

Well, do we know the "real" story... not saying "cheating" is appropriate, but there are things that cause it, and there a things that are worse.... been there.

 

I won't condemn the OP or him at this point.

[S_A]

My mom died of breast cancer when I was 15. My dad and my mom would fight often during their marriage (some were huge, too), and they even almost divorced a couple times (all this was happening before my dad knew about the breast cancer).

 

When my dad found out about the breast cancer, everything changed. He used to own/run his own very successful women's clothesline, and he essentially abandoned the business and ran it into the ground trying to save her life. He accumulated massive amounts of debt taking her all over the world to find the best and most cutting edge treatments and to also get different opinions.

 

My mom got so bad at one point that an entire side of her body was prsctically a carcass (it even hurt for her to wear clothes). She would struggle to go to the bathroom so my dad would pick her up and take her to the toilet and help undress her. He never turned her back on her when she was sick.

 

I'm pretty sure my dad cheated on my mom when she was healthy (he was sort of the player type and always was a good lucking guy), but when my mom got sick, it all changed.

 

You go through a lot of emotional ups and downs when you have cancer, but my dad stayed and never ran from my mom, even during her bad days.

 

So I guess all this means it is quite possible that the MM will grow closer to his wife.

[norudder]

Well, do we know the "real" story... not saying "cheating" is appropriate, but there are things that cause it, and there a things that are worse.... been there.

 

I won't condemn the OP or him at this point.

 

We were both wrong. She wasnt a saint. They both cheated on each other. Our affair started and ended before diagnosis. This was a reoccurrence 8 yrs after first.

[norudder]

Thank you everyone for sharing your painful and inspiring stories. Guess one never knows.

I do hope his wife will be ok and ideally they'll reconcile and I'll move on.

[OldRover]

Thank you everyone for sharing your painful and inspiring stories. Guess one never knows.

I do hope his wife will be ok and ideally they'll reconcile and I'll move on.

 

Good plan.

[whichwayisup]

My mom died of breast cancer when I was 15. My dad and my mom would fight often during their marriage (some were huge, too), and they even almost divorced a couple times (all this was happening before my dad knew about the breast cancer).

 

When my dad found out about the breast cancer, everything changed. He used to own/run his own very successful women's clothesline, and he essentially abandoned the business and ran it into the ground trying to save her life. He accumulated massive amounts of debt taking her all over the world to find the best and most cutting edge treatments and to also get different opinions.

 

My mom got so bad at one point that an entire side of her body was prsctically a carcass (it even hurt for her to wear clothes). She would struggle to go to the bathroom so my dad would pick her up and take her to the toilet and help undress her. He never turned her back on her when she was sick.

 

I'm pretty sure my dad cheated on my mom when she was healthy (he was sort of the player type and always was a good lucking guy), but when my mom got sick, it all changed.

 

You go through a lot of emotional ups and downs when you have cancer, but my dad stayed and never ran from my mom, even during her bad days.

 

So I guess all this means it is quite possible that the MM will grow closer to his wife.

 

I'm sorry that you lost your mom, she suffered way too much :(hugs to you. Such a horrible disease.. Your dad is a Saint! What a gem, how he looked after her and cared for her.

 

We were both wrong. She wasnt a saint. They both cheated on each other. Our affair started and ended before diagnosis. This was a reoccurrence 8 yrs after first.

 

Saint or not, cancer still changes everything. Puts things in perspective, makes people really think and re prioritize life, what is important and what isn't.

 

Thank you everyone for sharing your painful and inspiring stories. Guess one never knows.

I do hope his wife will be ok and ideally they'll reconcile and I'll move on.

 

You will move on.