What happens when the AP stands and fights for the WS?

[oldshirt]

A few recent threads have had me wondering about this lately.

 

I have frequently advocated BSs to challenge and expose AP s because from what I have seen and experienced is that when BSs confront APs, 9 times out of 10 the AP scurries away like a cockroach in the light.

 

This has been my observation and experience primarily with OM. I'm not so sure about OW. My observation and experience with OM is they are usually just after some easy no-strings poontang and will scatter at the first hint of drama, work or a potential fight 90% of the time.

 

But what about that other 10%????

 

What happens when the AP actually wants the WS and is will to stand up and fight and is willing to take the WS fulltime if the WS separates from the BS?

 

My observations and experience is a little different on this one.

 

At least in the case of WWs and OM, I've often the OM ride off with her in the end?

 

And again, I'm not so sure about MM and OW.

 

So what are your thoughts, observations and experiences? When DDay comes and the AP stands up and makes a legitimate offer and is willing to stand and fight, who does the WS typically choose?

 

And are there gender lines to this question??? Are WWs more willing to go with an OM that is willing to stand and fight, than a MM is when an OW is willing to stand up and bear the claws??

 

We are so used to AP s slinking in to the shadows on discovery here, what happens when they dig in and are willing to go toe to toe?

[autumnnight]

I'm not sure what happens, but this would b my take:

 

If the WS wants the AO, then the AO should win that fight and the BS should be set free.

 

If the WS goes back to the M and wants to stay with the BS...the AP needs to GO AWAY. Fighting, IMO, at that point is subject to restraining orders., exposure, whatever it takes to get the BS/WS desired peace.

[RainDown]

He (WS) chose to be with me (OW) and never looked back. That was in 2007.

[oldshirt]

He (WS) chose to be with me (OW) and never looked back. That was in 2007.

 

Did the OW make a full-court press for him and was will willing to roll around on the ground in a catfight with you?

[pheonixrisen]

I can only go by my own personal scenario ...

 

On dday and following days .......AP was fighting for him and was willing to wait for him(he showed me all msgs coming in from her which was really heartbreaking but she was fighting for him whom she considered the love of her life ....she believed from all the things that he filled her head with that he would walk away on dday or following day .......in fact on dday I showed my dh the door and told him i will file for d ...he refused to leave and fought to stay ...

 

That was 3 years ago ...We are stronger and closer than ever )

[Clay]

Did the OW make a full-court press for him and was will willing to roll around on the ground in a catfight with you?

 

Haha . There would have been no cat fight in my case. I kicked her axx to the curb and wished them a wonderful life. She cheated on him recently and left him with the kids they had for the new man. They both currently are moving from place to place living out of his brothers truck. Isn't it amazing how others see treasure in trash.

 

[RightThere]

What happens when the AP actually wants the WS and is will to stand up and fight and is willing to take the WS fulltime if the WS separates from the BS?

 

In my situation, my WW did eventually leave to be with her MM. He pretended to "fight" for her while I was trying to work things out with my WW, but he did it behind the scenes in the dark. Of course, as with most OM, it was all talk. He would say things to my WW like "Your husband is being such a jerk. I really want to confront him and tell him what's up."

 

Of course my WW would eat it up. But I offered him plenty of opportunities, but he would rather scurry under a rug when confronted with real "fight for his woman" opportunities.

 

I'm sure even the 10% that do "fight" for the WW, still do so from dark corners with a lot of talk and little action. I'd bet the ones that actually stand up and proclaim their intentions is a very small percentage.

[oldshirt]

 

I'm sure even the 10% that do "fight" for the WW, still do so from dark corners with a lot of talk and little action. I'd bet the ones that actually stand up and proclaim their intentions is a very small percentage.

 

I agree it's a very small percentage.

 

But I am wondering if the ones who do are often the ones, that the WWs often go with?

 

I do suspect there are gender differences. I think it's actually rare for a WH to leave for the OW regardless if she fights for WH or not. But that's also one of the questions I'm posing.

[daisygirl19]

My FMM left his wife and we are together. She does not know the details of our affair, by her choice. She knows it was an EA and suspects a PA, but has repeatedly asked us not to tell her if we were physically involved while they were still together. For her, it's a moot point. The emotional aspect was far more painful for her. She did not want a divorce. She fought it in her own way, but he left regardless. If he had ever given me any indication that he wanted to make an effort to work on his marriage or give it a chance, I would have backed down, but that never once happened. I stayed in his life but I wouldn't say I "fought" for him. I simply gave him a choice and stayed when he moved forward with ending his marriage.

[nightmare01]

I think if the AP is fighting for the WS then maybe the WS is giving him/her some encouragement. If that's the case then I think the best tactic is to just show WS the door. Some WS will love having two people competing for them.. a\

 

A love of drama may be a part of WS psychology, in that the WS is the center of the world.. in their mind tortured over being torn between two lovers. Poor them, being forced by a neglectful/abusive BS into having an affair. Then the affair is discovered, and the two lovers are fighting for them. They are the prize - which is another ego boost. And if they have to choose either the BS or AP, then again they are the center of the world, getting to agonize over their decision and vilify the the one they left and honor the one they choose.

 

Sometimes staying with the one they choose will loose the drama, and the process may well start over.

 

I refused to fight for my WW. When she seemed to be missing her OM, I showed her the door and wished her well. That shocked her, and she made an immediate 180.

 

As far as OM wanting to fight me for her... apparently years ago he had an affair with his neighbors wife. (he's a serial cheater) Her husband confronted him and punched him. OM, being the little wimp that he really is, sued his neighbor and won $50K.

 

OM's wife, who has cheated on him several times (what a couple eh?) thought the $50K was great and had her kitchen remodeled.

[WasOtherWoman]

Great question.

 

As a former OW, I can't imagine fighting for my relationship, although I can totally understand why a BS might to do (all of the usual reasons, love, history, kids, affair fog, etc).

 

I think as an OW, to me anyway, it would be a matter of pride. If you are going to be "big boy" enough to have an affair with me and tell me that you want to be with me full time and forever, then you'd better be "big boy" enough to make it happen.

 

Engaging in a battle for him with his wife is kinda unthinkable to me....if there is any question at all, then, by all means, please stay in your marriage and leave me alone.

[darkmoon]

ten per cent? this correlates with what i have seen over time which is that just one on ten MMs leave home and were going to anyway, while the nine others stay, the AP has bad odds.

 

Not many men really want to leave their kids; it is a horrible sight to see a toddler sobbing because "Daddy has to go now, but I'll see you next week" repeatedly said while the sobbing continues. Not fair, not one little bit.

Edited July 17, 2015 by darkmoon

[nightmare01]

Great question.

 

As a former OW, I can't imagine fighting for my relationship, although I can totally understand why a BS might to do (all of the usual reasons, love, history, kids, affair fog, etc).

 

I think as an OW, to me anyway, it would be a matter of pride. If you are going to be "big boy" enough to have an affair with me and tell me that you want to be with me full time and forever, then you'd better be "big boy" enough to make it happen.

 

Engaging in a battle for him with his wife is kinda unthinkable to me....if there is any question at all, then, by all means, please stay in your marriage and leave me alone.

 

WasOtherWoman - sorry I don't know your story. Are you married or single?

 

If single - I'd like to know why you would want to be in a relationship with a married man? It isn't like single men are hard to find...

 

When I was single I was an OM twice... not of my choice.. these were ONS's and the women didn't tell me they were married until the next morning. For me, that was the end of my contact with them.

[elaine567]

Seems to me that most OWs are pretty submissive/vulnerable/naive/damaged kind of people, most likely chosen to be that way by MM, and many dominant/strong/experienced/healthy women are not going to stand for being second best, so do not want to be the OW anyway.

Even if it was possible to recruit Miss Dominant, what MM wants a fiesty woman outwith his control wrecking his marriage?

 

I guess that is why few OWs will stand and fight.

[RainDown]

Did the OW make a full-court press for him and was will willing to roll around on the ground in a catfight with you?

 

Lol. no. I AM the OW. BS wanted to fight over her man, yes. I wasn't into it. I took a job in another country and told him he could keep up or not. He chose to follow me.

 

I think it was an exit affair on his part, though. Most MM don't just up and leave like that unless they're good and ready to.

[velvette]

I'm sure there are a range of outcomes depending on how the AP "fights"

 

 

Big difference between I love you and will wait for you to figure out you want to be with me and I will love you forever whether you want me to or not and stalk or obsessively contact you every month to see if you have changed your mind.

 

 

In the case of my H OW, her "fighting" ended up with the threat of restraining orders if she didn't stop.

[veryhappy]

Seems to me that most OWs are pretty submissive/vulnerable/naive/damaged kind of people, most likely chosen to be that way by MM, and many dominant/strong/experienced/healthy women are not going to stand for being second best, so do not want to be the OW anyway.

Even if it was possible to recruit Miss Dominant, what MM wants a fiesty woman outwith his control wrecking his marriage?

 

I guess that is why few OWs will stand and fight.

 

 

Seems to me you are wrong.

[autumnnight]

I would think if a person is mentally and emotionally stable and healthy, once the WS made it clear they were choosing the marriage, the AP would back off. They might be heartbroken, but they would probably back off for self-respect if nothing else.

 

The ones who end up being like Glenn Close probably have other instabilities besides the A.

[veryhappy]

I'll only speak about what I know best which is a MM in the center of the triangle. The reversed gender situation plays differently.

 

There is no need for fighting for him. The man either follows through and understands ow wants him and they can build a real life together or... The guy starts to throw up nonsense like a sprinkler and there's nothing to fight about. When the discussion goes from I want to be with you, we'll have cute babies, my marriage is dead and I am so sure I won't break your heart to oh what her and I have, I never meant to be with you, my family, my family, my family, etc. What's there to fight about? Nothing. Somebody who can swing like that obviously needs some time at his thinking place to know who the honey he is. And obviously he stays and people are biased to prefer the road they chose. Cognitive bias. The end.

[GoldieLox]

Interesting question. I've never pondered it for two reasons... First one being, as a FOW (married) I never wanted my xAP in the first place. Second, in any situation, if you have to "fight" for someone, what does that say about the other person's love for you? Love should come naturally, imho. I'm enjoying reading the responses, however. Nice to get a new perspective.

[velvette]

Seems to me you are wrong.

 

 

She's not wrong although of course there are always exceptions.

 

 

My H told me exactly what Elaine has said when I pointed out to him that most of his OW possessed the qualities she listed.

[Arieswoman]

I can only speak from my own experience as a BS and here's the sorry tale...

 

(times approximate - as best i can recall)

 

 

ExH (WS) has affair with OW who is engaged to someone else.

 

DD comes and BS (me) goes ballistic. Tells WS he must stop his affair. WS refuses saying "he loves her"

 

1 week later WS gets divorce papers naming OW as correspondent and is asked to leave marital home by solicitor.

 

2 weeks later WS + OW go to solicitors and sign divorce papers. OW then dumps exH.

 

3 weeks later ExH moves out into flat, whining about how his life is a mess.

 

6 weeks later BS tells OW's fiance about situation. OW's fiance dumps OW. OW runs back to WS.

 

6 weeks later at same time as ^^^ WS comes and tells me he isn't seeing OW any more. Wants to talk.

 

7 weeks later WS tells OW it's all over as he's coming back to BS ( BS not aware of this BTW !)

 

7.5 weeks later OW has suicide attempt (pills) and ends up in psychiatric wing of local hospital.

 

7.5 weeks later WS calls BS to say he's going to make a go of it with OW after all. BS tells him to do something physically imposssible and not contact her again.

 

3 months later - divorce through - WS moves in with OW and her mother.

 

1 year later marital home sold, BS paid off. Buys himself a new car. OW tells BS that he isn't committed enough and to FO. WS comes back to BS and asks if he can rent a room ( !!! ) BS tells WS to FO. No further contact from WS.

 

1.5 years later WS + OW buy house together. WS moves in, OW doesn't. WS tells OW he "wants more time". WS asks BS if she wants to come and live with him. (!!!) BS who is now dating tells him to FO.

 

4 years later. OW gets pregnant and moves in with WS and they get married.

 

The End.

 

 

Confused? Yes, so was I.

Edited July 17, 2015 by Arieswoman

[WasOtherWoman]

WasOtherWoman - sorry I don't know your story. Are you married or single?

 

If single - I'd like to know why you would want to be in a relationship with a married man? It isn't like single men are hard to find...

 

When I was single I was an OM twice... not of my choice.. these were ONS's and the women didn't tell me they were married until the next morning. For me, that was the end of my contact with them.

 

I was single when I met my MM, we've been married nearly 15 years now.

 

You are right, I had no trouble finding single men, but when I met my MM, it was kinda "game over" for me. He was this charismatic CEO, brilliant, funny, caring....

 

Engaging in an affair was nothing i had ever done before, and certainly nothing I would ever do again!

 

However, I cannot say "it just happened" a lot of thought and discussion went into our affair before it became one.

[WasOtherWoman]

Seems to me that most OWs are pretty submissive/vulnerable/naive/damaged kind of people, most likely chosen to be that way by MM, and many dominant/strong/experienced/healthy women are not going to stand for being second best, so do not want to be the OW anyway.

Even if it was possible to recruit Miss Dominant, what MM wants a fiesty woman outwith his control wrecking his marriage?

 

I guess that is why few OWs will stand and fight.

 

I think there are all sorts of OW.

 

I was a very demanding mistress and expected first place. My husbands says he finds me to be much more agreeable as his wife than I ever was as his mistress.

 

Still, I do agree that there are many OW who seem willing to be in second place. I have never understood that myself. To say they are damaged though, might be a tad overstated.....

[velvette]

I can only speak from my own experience as a BS and here's the sorry tale...

 

(times approximate - as best i can recall)

 

 

ExH (WS) has affair with OW who is engaged to someone else.

 

DD comes and BS (me) goes ballistic. Tells WS he must stop his affair. WS refuses saying "he loves her"

 

1 week later WS gets divorce papers naming OW as correspondent and is asked to leave marital home by solicitor.

 

2 weeks later WS + OW go to solicitors and sign divorce papers. OW then dumps exH.

 

3 weeks later ExH moves out into flat, whining about how his life is a mess.

 

6 weeks later BS tells OW's fiance about situation. OW's fiance dumps OW. OW runs back to WS.

 

6 weeks later at same time as ^^^ WS comes and tells me he isn't seeing OW any more. Wants to talk.

 

7 weeks later WS tells OW it's all over as he's coming back to BS ( BS not aware of this BTW !)

 

7.5 weeks later OW has suicide attempt (pills) and ends up in psychiatric wing of local hospital.

 

7.5 weeks later WS calls BS to say he's going to make a go of it with OW after all. BS tells him to do something physically imposssible and not contact her again.

 

3 months later - divorce through - WS moves in with OW and her mother.

 

1 year later marital home sold, BS paid off. Buys himself a new car. OW tells BS that he isn't committed enough and to FO. WS comes back to BS and asks if he can rent a room ( !!! ) BS tells WS to FO. No further contact from WS.

 

1.5 years later WS + OW buy house together. WS moves in, OW doesn't. WS tells OW he "wants more time". WS asks BS if she wants to come and live with him. (!!!) BS who is now dating tells him to FO.

 

4 years later. OW gets pregnant and moves in with WS and they get married.

 

The End.

 

 

Confused? Yes, so was I.

 

 

Not confused lol. Your ex is all kinds of messed up. And whatever his issues are would take years of counseling to unravel. Since he apparently never saw a counselor, you are lucky to be rid of him.