What happens when the AP stands and fights for the WS?

[seren]

I cannot imagine any scenario when I would 'fight' for anyone, other than my son, for him I would take on the world and its dog. I have always been and always will be of the mind that if someone wants to be with someone else, then they should be. If they are pretending to be with another, then they aren't being honest with either and should make the decision to leave one or both.

 

When my H had an affair and told me about it I told him that if he was happier with the other person he should leave (it was a bit rowdier than that), simply because I don't share in a relationship and while I loved (still do) him with all that I had, I don't and would not be in a non exclusive marriage.

 

H told the other woman that I knew and that we were working on our marriage and not to contact us. Almost 6 years of some pretty mixed up behaviour followed from the other woman. In her mind, she and H were meant to be and I was stopping him leaving, it seems to be a fairly common thought that the BS is stopping the WS from leaving, talking, contacting them.

 

My take on the fighting thing is that it is pointless, the WS is almost portrayed as a puppet dancing to whomever holds the strings at that time, who would want someone like that? Once I knew I was able to make an informed choice, stay or go, I stayed, we stayed and we are very happy and yes, I will call him my soulmate, simply because he is and always has been.

 

I don't get into the demonising the AP, yes, there is shared action that hurts the BS, but the relationship, the marriage is the business of those that have committed and promised to play by their rules, when one doesn't, it is up to the other to decide what next, if the WS decides to be with the AP, then nothing will make them stay and vice versa.

The AP in our case tried all ways to make H see he would be happier with her, TBH she did herself no favours and some of the things she did only made H hate her more. I should say I don't allow the blame shifting or name calling.I hate what they did, I don't hate H or the OW.

 

I am also of the mind that she had a vision of our life that bore no relationship to what is was and is, what was said and what was heard are two very different things. I am a confident, assertive person, I believe that I am worth it, if my H thought I wasn't I would be damned if I would fight for him. I don't understand the position of AP, simply because I couldn't knowingly share the person I love and certainly not for any length of time. Don't fight for anyone, don't be second fiddle and know your worth and I couldn't feed the ego of someone who wasn't strong enough to leave or end it.

[oldshirt]

I'm picking up that people have an issue with my use of the term "fight for."

 

Perhaps a better way to word it is say what happens when the OM/OW, agrees to continue to be involved with the WS and makes them a legitimate offer?

[Popsicle]

A few recent threads have had me wondering about this lately.

 

I have frequently advocated BSs to challenge and expose AP s because from what I have seen and experienced is that when BSs confront APs, 9 times out of 10 the AP scurries away like a cockroach in the light.

 

This has been my observation and experience primarily with OM. I'm not so sure about OW. My observation and experience with OM is they are usually just after some easy no-strings poontang and will scatter at the first hint of drama, work or a potential fight 90% of the time.

 

But what about that other 10%????

 

What happens when the AP actually wants the WS and is will to stand up and fight and is willing to take the WS fulltime if the WS separates from the BS?

 

My observations and experience is a little different on this one.

 

At least in the case of WWs and OM, I've often the OM ride off with her in the end?

 

And again, I'm not so sure about MM and OW.

 

So what are your thoughts, observations and experiences? When DDay comes and the AP stands up and makes a legitimate offer and is willing to stand and fight, who does the WS typically choose?

 

And are there gender lines to this question??? Are WWs more willing to go with an OM that is willing to stand and fight, than a MM is when an OW is willing to stand up and bear the claws??

 

We are so used to AP s slinking in to the shadows on discovery here, what happens when they dig in and are willing to go toe to toe?

 

Psshh. OM never stand up and fight against BH's for the WW. You are right about that. This is because they know it can get violent, as is the case with men. Not so much with women.

[oldshirt]

Psshh. OM never stand up and fight against BH's for the WW. You are right about that. This is because they know it can get violent, as is the case with men. Not so much with women.

 

I agree that most OM are just after some quick and easy poon and will scatter once the BH is on to them.

 

However I am asking about the Times the OM don't scatter and stand up continue to date the WS and make stay in the game and make her a valid offer.

 

In the cases I have seen that happen, the WW usually goes with the OM.

[waterwoman]

I don't quite understand the question. If the WS wants the OP instead of the BS there is nothing for the BS to 'fight' for. And vice versa.

 

Once I found out what has been going on I told H to choose - not begging, no threatening. He chose. In fact he had already told OW it was over as soon as I began to suspect. Thankfully OW seems to have felt the same as she didn't 'fight' for him either.

 

How can you fight when the person you are fighting for doesn't want you?

[gettingstronger]

I'm picking up that people have an issue with my use of the term "fight for."

 

Perhaps a better way to word it is say what happens when the OM/OW, agrees to continue to be involved with the WS and makes them a legitimate offer?

 

 

 

Same thing applies- will not knowingly share my husband with anyone-if he can not decide who he wants to be with, I would make the decision really easy- bye!- Truly, if he was even entertaining the idea of staying in the affair he would be gone- (our OW still intrudes so I know this is not happening)

[Sub]

Psshh. OM never stand up and fight against BH's for the WW. You are right about that. This is because they know it can get violent, as is the case with men. Not so much with women.

 

I think men in general just have a harder time committing and vocalizing their feelings towards women, especially WW's. I don't think it's fear of repercussions from the BH as much as they just show their colors and puss out when it comes to stepping up to the plate for the MW.

[MissBee]

Great question.

 

As a former OW, I can't imagine fighting for my relationship, although I can totally understand why a BS might to do (all of the usual reasons, love, history, kids, affair fog, etc).

 

I think as an OW, to me anyway, it would be a matter of pride. If you are going to be "big boy" enough to have an affair with me and tell me that you want to be with me full time and forever, then you'd better be "big boy" enough to make it happen.

 

Engaging in a battle for him with his wife is kinda unthinkable to me....if there is any question at all, then, by all means, please stay in your marriage and leave me alone.

 

Precisely.

 

I cannot fathom fighting to be with someone. It shouldn't be a fight. They choose me fully and I choose them too or not. But I can't really see myself as an OW fighting for the MM...like what does that even entail? Stalking him? Refusing to go? Harassing him and his family? I mean, I actually haven't any clue what it means practically speaking.

 

As a BS, like you said, I can more so understand "fighting" but even then, I'm of the same mind that my WS would need to choose me fully and choose for himself to fix the marriage. I wouldn't be happy or satisfied with a man I fought tooth and nail for who cheated on me...he cheated, why should I be fighting to keep him? He should be the one fighting to give me reasons not to go if anything.

[Giggle]

As a BS.. I didn't beg or scream or demand he stay. His OW did all including whispering in his ear that I must have somebody on the side and that the baby I was 8 weeks pregnant with wasn't his... Was meant to trap him. I refused to fight for him. He was the one who fkd up and he needed to choose. I did not want to make him stay only to have him be thinking of her and resenting me for making him stay. Yeah no.

 

 

As the OW. I wouldn't want to be why he left. I wouldn't want make him make that choice. Where we are now is not where I thought it was. Grr. I thought he was in the same limbo I had just be in of being roommates until the divorce was doable. That's not actually his reality. Peckerhead. It's gonna end. She's gonna keep him.

[cocorico]

How can you fight when the person you are fighting for doesn't want you?

 

Exactly!

 

But, I guess some people don't want to acknowledge that they're not wanted. They'd prefer to believe that there are "other factors" at play, rather than someone choosing not to be with them.

 

My H's xW held out even after we were M with the delusion that it was all just an elaborate scheme to get her to agree to attend MC with him.

[2.50 a gallon]

oldshirt: I pretty much agree with you.

 

 

Quite often, the wife has had several complaints about the way her H treated her, drinking, taking her for granted, lack of romance, etc. Only to have him go back on his promises.

Some slick talker comes along when she is most vulnerable and talks his way into her bed and it is game over for the BH. Her body is now filling her brain with love chemicals for the OM and none for her BH.

The BH might try to fight the OM and has little success. Her heart belongs to the OM

However, sometimes the kids make a difference.

I have heard of several examples where the kids turn on their mom for what she is putting their father through, and flat tell her, as long as the OM is in your life, you will not be a part of my life. Forget ever seeing your grandkids.

That is what my nieces told their father. When the oldest married and had a kid my Ex BIL got to see his grandson at his christening and the same with his grand daughter. It was 18 years later, when his second daughter married and the groom, a good Christian man insisted that her father be invited to the wedding. I had to introduce my ex-BIL to his grand kids.

[MJJean]

My AP made a legit offer of a relationship and I took him up on it. He wasn't the first AP of mine to give a sincere offer. There were two men before him that said they loved me and wanted me to leave my ex and move in with them, As wonderful as they were, I knew it just wouldn't work long term. Not to mention I cared for both of them much more than I cared about other AP's, but I wasn't in love with either of them or anyone else.

 

I fell in love with my former AP and now DH at first sight and he wasn't far behind. We've been together for 15 years and married for 12 of those. House, kids, dogs, cars, etc.

[cocorico]

I'm picking up that people have an issue with my use of the term "fight for."

 

Perhaps a better way to word it is say what happens when the OM/OW, agrees to continue to be involved with the WS and makes them a legitimate offer?

 

in my case, goodbye BS, hello happiness.

[WasOtherWoman]

I'm picking up that people have an issue with my use of the term "fight for."

 

Perhaps a better way to word it is say what happens when the OM/OW, agrees to continue to be involved with the WS and makes them a legitimate offer?

 

So, I am trying to understand what you are asking. How can the "other" make a legitimate offer? In our case, my MM knew that I was interested in only a full-time relationship with him. I think that, in most cases, the "other" is generally interested in a more permanent type relationship and I would hope makes that clear.

 

Is that what you mean by "making a legitimate offer?".

 

edited: in thinking further, it is probably different when an OM makes an "offer" (as others have said above), a WW can go from the husband's home to the OM's. Kind of a different dynamic, I think, when it is an OW and an MM. That said, I guess I DID make a legitimate offer, if i think of it that way. Leave your wife and have a life with me.

Edited July 30, 2015 by WasOtherWoman
added last paragraph