She needs time to "find herself"...

[jno2015]

Hey all,

 

Just another guy who's been dumped recently. Here's my story... hopefully some of you can provide some advice:

 

Just to give you a quick background on our relationship, I am 23 and she is 21. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 14 months. Things have always been great, and we've been in love for a long time. We didn't spend a night apart in our entire year-plus relationship. Talk of the future and marriage have been discussed, not often enough to freak the two of us out, maybe once or twice a month. I've always been there for her in times of need, and she for me. I know recently she's been kind of stressed out about work and school and that sort of thing. This girl was part of my family.

 

Anyway, 3 days ago she broke up with me. She claims she still "loves me so much", but she needs time to "find herself" because she "lost herself in our relationship". Not sure what that means, but okay. I get it, we're breaking up. She hasn't given me too many more details besides that... and she insists that there is no other guy involved. She's not the type to lie, so I have to believe her and rule out that option.

 

About 3 weeks ago she bought a new car and has been hanging out with girl friends from work getting drinks after their shift and stuff. I gave her all of the freedom she needs, never gave her a hard time about going out with them. We both trusted each other incredibly, so it wasn't a big deal. She would always come back to my house, or I to hers after she was done.

 

Sitting here trying to decipher what happened, I've established a few clues as to why I hope and pray that this is only temporary.

 

#1: We expressed to each other that we loved each other multiple times a day, so I didn't expect this at all. No fights led up to this, no downfall, no loss in spark (from what I understand, although my opinion is probably biased). We had sex regularly, every other day or so. 2 Days before she broke up with me we had great sex, intimate and sensual. Needless to say, she was very into it.

 

Q: If she was having extensive feelings of breaking up with me, why would she respond this way to intimate contact?

 

#2: We have a trip to Florida planned AND booked already. We were going to fly down to my grandparent's 2nd house with the rest of my family on the same date. ONLY A WEEK PRIOR to the breakup we discussed and agreed that we should go down 5 days earlier so we can have the house all to ourselves and relax for a few days before the craziness of 14 other people show up. Needless to say, the flights were changed and that was the plan that we agreed to.

 

Q: I stress the timeline only because it's vital to the story and my thinking process. If she were contemplating a breakup, why would she agree to extend our trip?

 

#3: Our cute texts never stopped. The morning before the breakup we both had work all day. She texted me saying that she loves me very much, hopes I have a good day, and that she can't wait to see me later. I head to her place after work and we sleep together, cuddling closely. The next day (break-up day) we said our goodbye in the morning as I left for work. Said we love each other and will see them later. Kissed intimately, and I went home to get ready for work.

 

Q: That was only 12 hours or so before our breakup. Can you really say all of those things if you were planning on breaking up with someone? I feel like there should at least be a time period where **** was dwindling down to nothing and it's obvious that the other person isn't into it as much anymore.

 

Bottom Line: All of these things don't make sense. It seems as if it came out of nowhere. Does it seem impulsive to you guys? I haven't spoken to her since... she said she needs time to find herself and whatnot, so she can have it. I love her too much to disrespect her wishes.

 

She's very quiet and introverted for the most part, so this behavior of always going out and drinking with these new girl friends seems strange. Especially because I've seen this girl drink MAYBE 10 times in over a year. I know that most girls go through a party phase, but enough so to drop your boyfriend of over a year?

 

Does this seem bizarre to anyone else? Do you think there's a chance she could miss me and contact me first? It honestly gives me the vibe that she is confused and is going to come back at some point, but I've learned from the past not to be so hopeful.

Edited July 17, 2015 by jno2015

[kylej]

Well, I come from a somewhat similar position so I'll try to relate to you a little a bit.

 

3 days ago my girlfriend said the same, that "she was finding herself" but what I've found is she probably just really wanted to have fun, be single, and not worry about me on her trip throughout Israel and Greece. Now I see her over social media going out partying with guys and getting drunk. I worry about her and fear she is glad she left me behind to hook up with . All the while remaining NC, it's hard.

 

Your girlfriend seems to have gone down a similar path. Going out partying, maybe hooking up with different guys, and giving the same, "finding herself" excuse. In my opinion it's probably just a lie told so they can have fun and have their freedom.

 

However, I guarantee you, she is thinking about you every night she goes out. I don't know much about your ex girlfriend but unless she's as heartless as mine she's probably thinking about you too much to hook up with any guys.

 

It's important for you to keep NC, work on yourself, and she'll come back if its meant to be.

[Suri_J]

I'm going through a pretty similar situation. The only big difference is that there was already another guy involved before we officially broke up.

 

Seeing things from the outside perspective, it doesn't seem so strange after all... I think it makes a lot of sense that people can get freaked out when they start to lose themselves too much. Even in a good thing people want to feel a sense of freedom. To be honest though, I feel like regardless of what a girl says if they don't want to be with you it's because they don't want to be with YOU. Sure, emotions can still be there and they can still feel a sense of love. That stuff doesn't go away easily. Either way though, something about you will still put them off.

 

Looking back on my relationship now I can see everywhere I went wrong. It was a slow progression of gradually losing myself and caring less about my own life, my own friends, and my own passions and goals. I gradually sacrificed the person she fell in love with for someone who was basically... nothing... Does your situation sound similar? I think even if girls keep saying they love you, sending sapping texts, and want to spend every minute with you, ultimately that's not what they actually WANT. They want you to have your own life. They want to be a compliment to your life, not the primary focus. They really WANT to only see you a few times a week. I know it's really hard because when you experience that type of connection everything seems trivial in comparison. Especially the older you get...

 

I feel you though. It really is strange. My ex is the same way in which she was always introverted and preferred to snuggle up at home ordering take out and watching a good tv show. Now she's going out all the time to bars and hanging out with friends, staying out til 5 am when she's got work the next day, etc. etc. I don't really get it. I guess it's a way to rebel against the "restraints" of being in a relationship. Who knows. We're men though and we have to power through and focus on what really matters for US.

[jno2015]

Was unable to edit my original post, but forgot a very important point.

 

#4: She was looking up apartments for us to potentially live together about 2 or 3 weeks ago. She went for days straight trying to find the perfect place and showed me everything she came up with. She wants out of her house, and told me it'd only be with me.

 

Q: How the hell is she going to tell me that she wants to break up with me even though she was looking for apartments together? It just makes no sense.

[EgoJoe]

New information to process is why. Someone else or even the fantasy of someone else can cause this with emotionally immature people.

 

An emotionally mature person would just say, "There is someone else."

[jno2015]

Yea, I totally get all of that. It just doesn't make any sense to me. If you knew her as well as I do, you'd know that something is up.

 

Even as we said goodbye the night we broke up she hugged me for legitimately 10 minutes saying that she loved me so much and that everything was going to be okay. She was crying more than I was... I just simply don't get it.

[Suri_J]

Yea, I totally get all of that. It just doesn't make any sense to me. If you knew her as well as I do, you'd know that something is up.

 

Even as we said goodbye the night we broke up she hugged me for legitimately 10 minutes saying that she loved me so much and that everything was going to be okay. She was crying more than I was... I just simply don't get it.

 

Sounds like what happened to me too. I don't know. Why can't people just be clear?

[mightycpa]

Ah, the blindsided breakup strikes again! Here's what I think is going on, and this may explain it to you:

 

 

1. Girl feels interest in someone else and/or
   
2. Girl loses interest in you
   
3. She feels a little guilty about it
   
4. She wrestles with these feelings, they are unwelcome
   
5. She does not share this with you, for fear of causing hurt
   
6. Disinterest becomes stronger
   
7. More affection is expressed, intensely, to combat unwelcome feelings
   
8. Disinterest becomes stronger than guilt
   
9. Decision is made
   
10. You get your pink slip, and this is your first clue
    

She's had the benefit of breaking up with you while you're around. You are new to the entire idea. Because in her mind, she went through this heroic effort to save the relationship, she thinks that she "loves you, but is not IN LOVE with you". In her mind, she's did everything honorably, and you are a great memory that she will cherish.

 

 

This whole "go find myself" and "lost in the relationship" is a soft way to say "WE ARE OVER".

 

 

 

However, the ugly truth is that not only is she not IN LOVE with you, SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU either, and she will prove that to you when you go fight for her or try to salvage this love relationship that no longer exists.

 

 

Worse, if she's totally oblivious to your feelings, she will insist on being friends, because she did everything she could to save the relationship, and she's a good person, and you need to appreciate that about her.

 

 

Do not confuse her reluctance to tell you forthrightly and firmly with some desire to hang on to what you had. It isn't that.

 

 

 

What to do my friend? You just need to disappear from her life.

[lil hoodlum]

Been there, experience that, and got the t-shirt for it.

 

 

She met someone else and is wanting to persue that without you getting in the way.

 

 

I was in your shoes nearly 3 years ago and would have never guessed I was left for someone else.

 

 

Like you, a week before, some of the best sex ever. Told me I am the greatest boyfriend ever, I deserve someone better than her, and that she is holding me back. The morning of the break up, she texted me that she loves me and can't wait to see me. Then the evening a complete 180 and she says she wants a "break" citing she's " not sure how she feels about me anymore" and she's "confused." Totally and immediately ejected me from her life. Has never taken any kind of responsibility, never showed any empathy, never apologized, and has not reached out to me once.

 

 

I understand what you are going through is hard and difficult. You are tying to figure out what happened and are left to pick up the peices of your heart alone.

 

 

Try your best to put this all behind you and focus on healing your heart.

[aloneinaz]

Here's the bottom line- She's 21! Most people are still very immature and impulsive at that age. I've read recently that most peoples brains don't fully mature until they are 25. I know I was immature at that age.

 

 

The second thing.. words don't mean $hit, people actions do. Her words of "I love you" are meaningless. Her actions of dumping you do. Yes, many people can do everything she did the last few weeks prior to dumping. I had an ex that I made vacation plans with, she told me she loved me all day and then ended us over a silly miss-understanding an hour later.

 

 

In all likelihood, she'd been checking out emotionally behind the scenes. Did you miss the signs? Google them and maybe you'll go "Oh crap, I did miss them"..

 

 

At the end of the day, she fell out of love w/you and ended it. People don't do that w/out a lot of thought and consideration. She's fine with freeing you up to go out and meet and screw other women. That alone tells you how she feels about you. When I'm in love w/someone, that LAST thing I could handle is the thought of the woman I love screwing someone else! Oh hell no!

 

 

As CPA said, VANISH from her life. She said to you "I don't want you in my life anymore and want to find someone new and better".. Give it to her. Go hardcore NC and block her on everything. This is to NOT punish her at all. It for YOU to heal from it and move onto your next great relationship. You won't be able to do this if you keep engaging w/her or replying to her "you ok" texts. She has the right to end the relationship and you have the right to accept it and no longer communicate with her.

 

 

Stick around this site and read plenty of the threads here. You'll see what works NC and what doesn't, LC..

[jno2015]

If these are some of the signs you're referring to, she did not express any of them.

 

Relationship Break Up - AskMen

 

I wish people would understand when I elaborate immensely that there were virtually NO signs that this was coming.

[lil hoodlum]

If these are some of the signs you're referring to, she did not express any of them.

 

Relationship Break Up - AskMen

 

I wish people would understand when I elaborate immensely that there were virtually NO signs that this was coming.

 

 

I am afraid that some of us do understand exactly what you are saying. I never got any of those signs from the link provided either.

 

 

My ex also carried on that everything was normal and ok. Never expressed any disatisfaction or issues with me or the relationship. As I said, I was completely blindsided that she wanted a "break". My first sign was when she told me she wasn't sure how she felt about and that she was "confused". This was a 4.5 year relationship and both in our 30s. Very healthy and happy relationship with no problems until that evening.

 

 

Your first clues that someone else is in the picture is an immediate breakup with no warning signs or relationship issues.

[NopeNah]

If these are some of the signs you're referring to, she did not express any of them.

 

Relationship Break Up - AskMen

 

I wish people would understand when I elaborate immensely that there were virtually NO signs that this was coming.

 

Then there were no signs....BUT... Here you are.

 

Not trying to be mean,but every time someone thinks their story/breakup is different...it's not. NC and no trying to figure out "why".. It just is. Accept it at face value: Over.

[mightycpa]

If these are some of the signs you're referring to, she did not express any of them.

 

Relationship Break Up - AskMen

 

I wish people would understand when I elaborate immensely that there were virtually NO signs that this was coming.

 

See Item #5 in my discussion of what went on in her pretty little mind when all this was going down. Item #7 is some misdirection that causes you to look the other way. Then jump to item #10 and re-read it.

Edited July 17, 2015 by mightycpa

[Holmes85]

jno2015,

 

Allow me to translate everything.

 

She needs time to "find herself"

 

You see I met this cute guy that I am interested in pursuing a relationship with, but I don't know if the feelings are mutual at this point, allow me some space to "find myself" so I can pursue things with him further, if the feelings aren't mutual I would all of a sudden come back to my senses and say "babe, I've found myself, lets get back together".

 

She hasn't given me too many more details besides that... and she insists that there is no other guy involved. She's not the type to lie, so I have to believe her and rule out that option.

 

Do you know why hasn't she given you many details? Because the moment you find out she has been emotionally cheating on you the other dude, the sooner you are going to dump her and everyone would find out and see for what she really is. But since she's all hush hush about it, she's going to keep things under wraps for a while, till you see with her next boyfriend.

 

She is not the type to lie you say? I can see from a thousand miles away all she is doing is lying to you and considering you are high on emotions right now, you are taking every word that she's saying as it's the bible. The chances of her admitting that she killed someone is a lot higher than admitting that she is emotionally cheating on you.

 

#1: We expressed to each other that we loved each other multiple times a day, so I didn't expect this at all. No fights led up to this, no downfall, no loss in spark (from what I understand, although my opinion is probably biased). We had sex regularly, every other day or so. 2 Days before she broke up with me we had great sex, intimate and sensual. Needless to say, she was very into it.

 

Q: If she was having extensive feelings of breaking up with me, why would she respond this way to intimate contact?

 

This was her way of doing the grand finale with you, she was going on a high note. This was of course the part of her strategy, not only she would get out of the relationship smelling like roses, like she actually was honest and trying, leaving you full of doubts that it was in fact something you did. She did it so brilliantly that it's working.

 

#2: We have a trip to Florida planned AND booked already. We were going to fly down to my grandparent's 2nd house with the rest of my family on the same date. ONLY A WEEK PRIOR to the breakup we discussed and agreed that we should go down 5 days earlier so we can have the house all to ourselves and relax for a few days before the craziness of 14 other people show up. Needless to say, the flights were changed and that was the plan that we agreed to.

 

Q: I stress the timeline only because it's vital to the story and my thinking process. If she were contemplating a breakup, why would she agree to extend our trip?

 

Because she thought why not lay off the guy after the trip, I need some reason to make the exit, hopefully he would provide me one during the trip, if not, well let me enjoy the trip anyway and make it seem all natural.

 

#3: Our cute texts never stopped. The morning before the breakup we both had work all day. She texted me saying that she loves me very much, hopes I have a good day, and that she can't wait to see me later. I head to her place after work and we sleep together, cuddling closely. The next day (break-up day) we said our goodbye in the morning as I left for work. Said we love each other and will see them later. Kissed intimately, and I went home to get ready for work.

 

Q: That was only 12 hours or so before our breakup. Can you really say all of those things if you were planning on breaking up with someone? I feel like there should at least be a time period where **** was dwindling down to nothing and it's obvious that the other person isn't into it as much anymore.

 

This girl pretty much played you. In fact she played you that much, that she seems all natural doing it. You were clueless the whole time, because you bought into every bull she was giving you.

 

You ask if she'll be back? Of course she will be back (if you treated her well that is), you would hear from her at some point in the future, probably when her life isn't going as planned and when her new romance fizzles out, you'll hear back from her one way or another, but isn't going to be anytime soon, by the time she see's the "light" you would have upgraded to someone better or would feel indifferent about it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Ah, the blindsided breakup strikes again! Here's what I think is going on, and this may explain it to you:

 

 

1. Girl feels interest in someone else and/or
   
2. Girl loses interest in you
   
3. She feels a little guilty about it
   
4. She wrestles with these feelings, they are unwelcome
   
5. She does not share this with you, for fear of causing hurt
   
6. Disinterest becomes stronger
   
7. More affection is expressed, intensely, to combat unwelcome feelings
   
8. Disinterest becomes stronger than guilt
   
9. Decision is made
   
10. You get your pink slip, and this is your first clue
    

She's had the benefit of breaking up with you while you're around. You are new to the entire idea. Because in her mind, she went through this heroic effort to save the relationship, she thinks that she "loves you, but is not IN LOVE with you". In her mind, she's did everything honorably, and you are a great memory that she will cherish.

 

 

This whole "go find myself" and "lost in the relationship" is a soft way to say "WE ARE OVER".

 

 

 

However, the ugly truth is that not only is she not IN LOVE with you, SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU either, and she will prove that to you when you go fight for her or try to salvage this love relationship that no longer exists.

 

 

Worse, if she's totally oblivious to your feelings, she will insist on being friends, because she did everything she could to save the relationship, and she's a good person, and you need to appreciate that about her.

 

 

Do not confuse her reluctance to tell you forthrightly and firmly with some desire to hang on to what you had. It isn't that.

 

 

 

What to do my friend? You just need to disappear from her life.

 

Speaking as a woman who's been guilty of doing this a time or two in my past, this is pretty bang on.

 

I also agree that her age and lack of maturity is playing a big role in this.

 

The sad part to this is that there may come a time when she's gotten it all out of her system where she'll remember how good she had it with you and come crawling back asking you to give her a second chance.

 

Going NC and giving her the space she's asking for is the best thing you can do for BOTH of you.

 

Good luck.

[aloneinaz]

If these are some of the signs you're referring to, she did not express any of them.

 

Relationship Break Up - AskMen

 

I wish people would understand when I elaborate immensely that there were virtually NO signs that this was coming.

 

 

Then I see how you feel so blindsided here. If that's the case, then she's truly a cold hearted individual to say the least. I'd have to agree that there was someone else she had her eye on and she simply bolted to explore it.

 

 

Either way, you should heal from this, pick yourself up off the floor, dust yourself off and VANISH from this persons life. I wouldn't give a person who treated me like that 2 seconds of my time again.. EVER..

[jno2015]

Thanks everyone for the responses, it totally helps. I know I'm still fresh into it, so obviously I'd want to hear success stories. She also told me that I am "the best thing to ever happen to her". It's such a ****ing strange way to break up with someone. Makes me believe that she'll realize what she's missing without me and come back at some point, but I know I have to move on.

 

I always treated her right and we reminded each other every day that we loved each other. Just hard to think that she'd throw it all away for some obscure reason. Maybe she'll notice before it's too late.

[lolablue17]

After reading all the facts you mentioned here - There is only one option - another guy. (like many others suggested here)

 

Most likely because maybe she was cheating on you, (maybe just a kiss, maybe sex), and she understands that she can't continue as if nothing has happened.

 

I prefer the cheating explanation because if she just met an attractive guy, it should have taken her much more time to decide about breaking up with you, and during that time, you could have felt something.

 

Only cheating can explain the suddenness.

[ExpatInItaly]

Speaking as a woman who's been guilty of doing this a time or two in my past, this is pretty bang on.

 

I also agree that her age and lack of maturity is playing a big role in this.

 

The sad part to this is that there may come a time when she's gotten it all out of her system where she'll remember how good she had it with you and come crawling back asking you to give her a second chance.

 

Going NC and giving her the space she's asking for is the best thing you can do for BOTH of you.

 

Good luck.

 

Yes, same here. In my younger years. I did almost exactly what your ex did, OP. I knew I wasn't in love with my then-boyfriend anymore but I tried hard to ignore or fight those feelings by almost "forcing" myself to act like the happy girlfriend. He didn't have a clue.

 

And in my case, there was another guy I had become interested in. He was more or less the catalyst for the break-up, even though it never went anywhere. I had been feeling disconnected from my ex for a little while when this other guy expressed an interest. So I too broke up with my ex suddenly (seemingly). The problem is that if she's able to break up with you so easily, she wasn't on the same page as you were.

 

That may not be true for your ex, but it sounds likely. That would help explain the apparent abruptness of her decision, coupled with the tears. I cried too when I left my ex, out of guilt and out of genuine sadness that it was ending. She loves you on some level, and doesn't want to hurt you. But she is clearly looking to explore and she's also very young.

 

Try not to analyze why this happened. You'll drive yourself crazy doing so. Start the healing process for yourself.

[Ifeelok]

the same thing happened to me about a month ago, she just totally blind sided me out of nowhere and said that she "needed to find who she is in this world" she promised me that she loves me and that its not another guy and blah blah... same like you i treated her will i respected her, never put her down and this is how they treat us.. i have gone NC on her and trust me it hurts we where together for 4.5 years and just like that she ended it and now she seems happy without me..wether is another guy or not it doesnt matter now, the point of the matter is we got left in the dust like idiots, but its ok i tell myself that.. the reason is what goes around comes around... and one day maybe not now but one day they will realized they messed up and lost two good guys... i know this "high" they are having about being single and enjoying life is good FOR NOW! but eventually it will ware off..

 

specially when its cold and they are lonely and miss our hugs and kisses...i feel like an idiot taking care of her all this time, making sure she was happy, buying her gifts, painting for her and even making costumes for halloween... a total idiot...

[theredpill]

It's horrible to realise when your partner says these things it's just to make you feel better about the break up, seems like you've got a good head on your shoulders though and will get through this without too much difficulty.

 

Join a gym, if you don't go already, get back in touch with friends, basically keep occupied, we can only think of one thing at a time, so if it's not her, awesome!

 

It's rubbish now I know, in 3 weeks, it'll be even more rubbish, but from there for most people it's plain sailing.

 

You've been nice, perhaps too nice - it's time for you to be strong, stay away from her and resist the temptation to get in touch, phone a friend, post here, whatever it takes. Month or so down the line, you'll read your early posts and be like "woah" was that really me?

Edited August 11, 2015 by theredpill