Should I give a reference or screw her over?

[Mz. Pixie]

A woman that I at one point considered a good friend that worked for me got fired recently. It was because of a mistake she made- a big mistake- and they had to let her go. She's generally a good worker, however, and I felt bad that she had to lose her job over this.

 

She's asked me to give her a reference because no one else here will because they are afraid they will get in trouble.

 

Here's the problem-

 

She and I had a friendship. When I was going through my marital problems she was always around and asking what was going on and giving advice etc. Once the divorce process started I began to believe that she was going to my exh and telling him stuff. I'm 99 percent sure that she did- because he found out stuff that no one knew besides her and one other person. I know for a fact she had e mails on her computer from my exh. As soon as she was fired she called him and he made up some excuses about how she had his number.

 

I don't think they are cheating- but I used to post on two other forums. I believe she got that info off my work computer and told him which sites to access and what my screen name was. There is no other way he could have found out- as I never accessed one of those sites from home.

 

Just two weeks ago, my exh said, "You have no idea how I found all of this out" Sure, I do buddy. Of course, I have not admitted that those are my postings (they are old) I think she got a kick out of doing this because she felt that I should get busted about the little fling I had.

 

I confronted her about all of this before she was fired and asked her if she had told him anything and she said no. Well, she didn't tell him- she just referred him to the forum where I was posting anon and he could read all the details himself.

 

I felt very betrayed- because I don't just let everyone in to be a good friend.

 

So, even though she was a good worker professionally she put the screws to me personally. I have the opportunity to get her back with this but I'm not sure that would be the right thing to do. I know it sure would feel good to get revenge on her- since she has no clue that I know it was her but on the other hand I hate that she doesn't have a job right now.

 

Am I being too soft?

[alphamale]

tell the back-stabbing biotch you will give her a personal reference only and not a professional reference.

 

that should settle you problem.

[LittleMiss]

Hell no I wouldn't give her a reference. She's a backstabbing weasel for telling your ex all that info. She made her bed now let her lie in it!

[Debster]

You could say to her that while you think she was good professionaly (except for the one mistake) that you have personal issues with her that make you believe she is untrustworthy and that it might be best if she found another reference.

[tiki]

My ex-best friend (used to work with her a while back) had her employer call me for a reference.

 

Her bitch ass had left me in New Orleans with *HER* friend that landed in jail the morning of the day that we were supposed to leave out. She hopped on a plane and flew home. Left us there with him. GRRREEAT. She's so self-centered. I never talked to her again.

 

But ANYWAY, she was our receptionist a couple of years prior. Her new employer called and I gave a decent reference. I'm such a sucker.

 

If I were you and she approached me personally and asked, I'd say "Don't count on it". Technically, you're supposed to be judging her based on her work history, not anything personal.

 

Heck, just let someone else give the reference. Tell them that it puts you in a weird situation.

[FolderWife]

If you don't give her a good reference, don't give her a reference at all. I think it's illegal to give a bad reference

 

Just don't give her a reference. And since she is a "good friend" have you talked to her about any of this?

[Mz. Pixie]

She WAS a good friend- until all of this.

 

I did confront her with it and she denied it. I couldn't really call her a lying beotch at work- with her reporting to me at the time.

 

I would let someone else give the reference but she doesn't have anyone else.

She just moved back to this area. It's not a personal reference, only as to what she did under my supervision.

 

If I ask my bf he will say to tell her to bite me!

 

I'm thinking of just saying that while her work performance was great, she did have a few personnel issues (this is not lying). Keep it short and sweet.

 

Plus, another part of me knows deep down this will make her feel even worse for what she did to me.

[Debster]

I know that where I live if you give a bad reference, you can be held liable.

It might be different in other provinces or countries.

 

But, If you can't give a good reference, refuse to give a reference at all.

[tiki]

Or you can just confirm her employment there. For liability purposes.

[Firesqueak]

If you have any questions as to whether you SHOULD do something (especially when it comes to employment related issues) I wouldn't.

 

I would ask a supervisor, or, unless you are a supervisor and this is only a moral decision for you.

 

I don't think that she has any right to ask you for a reference, personal or otherwise.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Firesqueak

I don't think that she has any right to ask you for a reference, personal or otherwise.

what u talkin' about FIRESQUEAK???

 

MS.PIXIE stated she was (or used to be) her boss. If this is so then the fired employee has a right to ask, she may or may not get the reference, however.

[Firesqueak]

Whoa, hey sorry. Didn't know you were the thread police. Sorry about that, officer. :-P

 

Yeah, I didn't read the post well. I'll admit it. I made a mistake.

[morrigan]

Originally posted by Debster

You could say to her that while you think she was good professionaly (except for the one mistake) that you have personal issues with her that make you believe she is untrustworthy and that it might be best if she found another reference.

 

I agree--just say to her that your personal issues with her would bias you against giving a completely neutral reference on her job performance.

Other businesses will care about her work ethic, not her private ethics. It's up to her not to mess up. She's not at your business anymore, she's not your professional problem.

 

If she did that behavior, I don't blame you for disliking her. But unless her personal behavior somehow interfered with your or a co-worker's job, or you have clear evidence she used business computers for the stuff she pulled, either give her a reference based solely on her work, or don't give her one at all.

[Mz. Pixie]

That's exactly what I did! Thanks for your help!