A "Successful" Affair?

[RecentChange]

First off – I am new here! Bear with me.

 

I am not sure why I am posting this – I think to air my feeling, and get a bit of feed back from others. I am going to try to keep a long, and complicated story (aren’t they all?!) short..

 

I cheated on my partner of the last 14 years. (that’s the short part!) Here is the long…..Back story:

 

We have been together since college (now in our mid 30’s). I was much more “experienced” them him, having dated more, been with more partners etc. We met, immediate crazy fireworks – very hot and heavy relationship. “I love yous” were exchanged in the first 6 weeks – moved in after 6 months, and had a very very happy, and very sexually active – for oh, I would say the first 7 years together. (side note – I am what I would self-describe as a very sexual person).

 

As time wore on, stresses of “adult” life built up, he had his own issues and struggled with depression, sex life was still there, but not on “fire” like it used to be… more like a ember.

 

He traveled often for work – I was always 100% faithful. Then, about 5 years ago “it” happened. I caught him cheating (don’t leave your phone out guys) – he had met a girl on one of his work trips, told her he was “divorced” and attempted a relationship with her. He said that he wondered if he jumped into things too fast (with me!), said he was confused about what he wanted, where his life was going etc.

 

This all happened shortly after a traumatic life event. He was all F’ed up, confused, and extremely depressed at the time. I was angry, horribly upset, terribly hurt – but still loved him deeply, and in my heart believed that this happened because he was in such a bad place emotionally. The whole time he said how the pain I was going through was crushing to him. I got counseling, he got counseling, we worked through it. Took a while but put it all behind me – but I totally, and 100% forgave him. And in a way, it rekindled our sex lives – reaffirming that “us” is what we want, seemed to fire things up between us.

 

And…. Time has worn on, sex life once again had started to become very “routine” – but I never ever thought of straying (even if I did fantasize often), as had life in general.

 

And the NOW – What has happened, and my coming to grips with it:

 

I spend a lot of time on a commuter train. About 5 months ago, I found myself delayed for hours – and struck up a conversation with my “neighbor” – An extremely handsome man, a bit younger than me, foreign and interesting. I told him I am usually sitting in the same area – and maybe I will see him again (and at this point, ALL I had in my mind was someone to chat with).

 

The months wore on and we would share a seat a couple times a week, talk, or sit in comfortable silence. I get to know him a bit, I often bring up my husband in conversation, and I know that he is married. I realize I am attracted to him (and LOVE the way he smells – it drives me wild). But I keep this to myself (I think!), after all, after well over a decade – I am used to keeping these emotions and attractions at bay. But I AM attracted to him – and fantasize about him on occasion.

 

One day he managed to slip me his number (talking about business cards). He told me to keep it when I went to hand it back – and for some reason I did. Its like I slipped that card into my wallet knowing it was a “naughty” thing to do. I held onto it for a few months – almost threw it out – but then again – didn’t.

 

Then two weeks ago – I texted him “hey! That guy took my seat!” as I was forced to sit on the other end of the train – innocent right…. but on the other hand - I knew I shouldn't be texting this guy I have a crush on.

 

The texts QUICKLY turned into some heavily flirting (initiated by him) that day. In my head – “whoa! This guy wants to sleep with me” And years ago – the contact would have ended at that. But no, this time it excited me. I was (am!) SO attracted to him – I don’t know if I have been so physically attracted to someone before – we agree to talk on the train the next day.

 

And quickly form an “agreement” – Friends with “benefits”. I told him “I am NOT looking for a boyfriend” – that I was basically happy in my relationship, and didn’t really want to mess that up. But…..I am bored. I have been doing the “same thing” for a very long time (and honestly, as the bread winner, house wife, and sex initiator – I think I am feeling underappreciated). And that I am also very capable of separating sex and emotion ( I swear I left a number of guys very confused in my younger days) – and asked him all the same things (good with wife right? Not going to leave her or on the rocks? Can you separate emotion from sex? Can you keep this a SECRET?!)

 

And the deal was struck – It was all we could do from jumping on each other right there on the train – by coincidence, his wife would be out of town next week. We decide, YES for that week – and maybe after that for this “arrangement”.

 

And we have sex on three separate occasions that week…. And its “okay” – I am clearly more experienced that he is, but take pleasure in blowing his mind if you will. Even if its not earth shattering sex – I relish the change in pace, and being with someone new – especially someone who is younger, and so damned handsome. And its a thrill to have him attracted to me.

 

Pretty quickly it becomes clear that he is feeling quite guilty – which, is understandable. And we make another agreement – this is it. This week only, won’t do it again, and we will pretend like this week never happened. I don't want to be the cause of him feeling bad I promise not to peruse him (but do let it slip - that if he changed his mind - well, he knows how to reach me).

 

Meanwhile – this guy has put sex on my mind in a way it hadn’t been for years – and my man is reaping the benefits of that. And for some reason, I don’t feel guilty or bad about this at all. I feel like compared to what he (my guy) did – that this pales – but part of me knows that is a sorry excuse. I tell myself I would have never sought out something like this. Never for a moment thought about looking online, or even entertained the thought when others hit on me… something about that guy, and the organic way that it happened. I at this point I am telling myself I can “be good” for another decade or so...

 

So, any others ever have a “successful” affair?

[autumnnight]

It sounds as if you did not fully recover from your H's affair.

 

What steps did he take to affair-proof your marriage?

 

Did he give you a timeline of the affair?

 

Did you receive any MC or go through any marriage program?

 

Did he answer all your questions about his A, and is he transparent?

[RecentChange]

Protection was very carefully used. And I have basically been dumped for his wife, I am 100% okay with that - I didn't want him to leave his wife, and in now way wanted to come before her. I actually encouraged him to improve their sex life.

 

At this point is "over" - I don't plan on ever getting together with the other man again.

 

Hopefully my partner will never find out - but if he does, I hope he lends me the same compassion and understanding I did for him when he made similar (although not just sexual, but also emotional in his case) indiscretions.

[GorillaTheater]

Hopefully my partner will never find out - but if he does, I hope he lends me the same compassion and understanding I did for him when he made similar (although not just sexual, but also emotional in his case) indiscretions.

 

To what extent do you think your affair may have been revenge? Is there any feeling that you've evened the playing field?

[velvette]

I'm struck by your statement that you would have never sought this out and that it happened organically.

 

 

Nothing could be further from he truth reading what you did.

 

 

Reread what you wrote with an objective eye. At every turn you issued invitations and pursued this man.

[jen1447]

Couple question (not loaded, I promise) -

 

Is it really over? Sounds like you dangled the fruit in front of him for the future fully intending to go back there tbh.

 

Do you really feel ok about it? Honest question, bc it'll determine how things go from here for you.

 

~

 

Just a tip - you may want to post in 'the other man/woman' forum in the future if you're hoping for relatively friendly responses in the context of cheating.

 

It's difficult to talk about "successful affairs" here due to the recriminations that tend to come down. It's like owning up to murder sometimes.

[nightmare01]

A lot of us here are betrayed spouses. The forum Jen pointed you to is made up of wayward spouses - a lot of which are happy about their cheating.

 

My view is that having an affair amounts to abuse of your betrayed partner. You are abusing them physically by endangering them with possible STD & AIDS and you are placing them in danger of physical harm from your AP. A lot of BS are murdered every year.. not saying you or your wonderful OM would do that, but it does happen. You are also abusing your husband emotionally with all the mind games you are playing. Being a betrayed spouse is crazy making.. you know something is wrong but you just can't figure it out.. you lie to your self so to not admit to your self what your intuition is telling you. It's really a horrible situation.

 

Having an affair then LYING about it (by omission) takes the power of choice from your BH. You are controlling his actions by controlling what truth his decisions are based upon. This is a terribly disrespectful thing to do. You're playing your husband like a puppet on a string.

 

What happens if you and your husband hit a rough patch (they happen) and somehow OM shows up in your life again? Believe me, confessing your affair is the best way of preventing it from starting up again.

 

Finally.. to the question of affairs making marriages better. If that were so then we all should be having affairs. Imagine how great the marriage would be if both partners kept cheating and lying to each other.

[goodyblue]

I am not going to be as rude as Harry, he thinks he is helping at least.

I was OW, been with my.guy for some time now. My.advice is if

You can totally trust your AP, dont do anything. Pretend it disn't happen and never tell anyone.

 

If there is a miniscule chance of him telling his wife, plan on her contacting your husband.

 

Men tend to.be much less forgiving of an affair than women. Their ego is shot and they cannot recover.

 

Please, affairs are wrong and it could eat at you. Try to give all to your husband.

 

Good luck.

[RecentChange]

I think I can take it - and I do understand the upset feelings - because well, I have been in that same boat once before.

 

As for "revenge" - yes and no. I don't think I did it to get back at him (and I don't want to hurt him - and I know this was foolish).

 

But I KNOW I felt like it gave me a license to do so. Whether that is right or wrong... I do feel that I wouldn't have gone there - if we didn't have the past that we did. I also feel like it emboldened me a bit, as I saw we could work through THAT - we could work though this (and I haven't given all of the details of that - but it involved a lot of rejection etc).

 

At this point I feel "okay" about it - but I am not sure why - as it seems like I shouldn't. Maybe I feelings surrounding it will change in time.

 

As for "really over" - If the other guy hadn't called it off, I don't think it would be. But, I respect his choice, and I think its the right one - and it would be better for everyone if it was totally over. A week of indiscretion to be left in history.

 

Oh - and as for "success" - in my mind, the "success" was (is) a week that shouldn't have happened - but has livened my sex life with my partner, and has made me determined to strengthen / rekindle that relationship - so that the fireworks are at home, and not elsewhere.

 

And organic - in that if "fate" if you will didn't seat us together, I don't think anything would have happened with anyone else. Never imagined I would do this. Didn't think I was looking for it (but maybe subconsciously I was?). I know was totally weak for not resisting at least.

[Sassy Girl]

Successful? Not sure how to define that.

 

I had one for 9 months. Ended amicably a couple of months back. We still chat from time to time, but not daily like we used to and we don't meet up anymore. And there's absolutely nothing sexual in our conversations. Just two friends now.

 

It ended because his wife got suspicious one day. So we each chose to end it while we were ahead. It can be done but by the looks of things you need to be committed and disciplined and not half ass it.

[Mr. Lucky]

And for some reason, I don’t feel guilty or bad about this at all. I feel like compared to what he (my guy) did – that this pales

 

I'm curious as to why you feel this way ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[jen1447]

Oh - and as for "success" - in my mind, the "success" was (is) a week that shouldn't have happened - but has livened my sex life with my partner, and has made me determined to strengthen / rekindle that relationship - so that the fireworks are at home, and not elsewhere.

 

I actually find this really interesting in an academic way, not the least reason being that I've heard a lot of other ppl say it. Really makes me wonder about infidelity as a tool, as odd as that sounds. Then again I'm not really a disinterested third party due to my own lifestyle.

[Clay]

I actually find this really interesting in an academic way, not the least reason being that I've heard a lot of other ppl say it. Really makes me wonder about infidelity as a tool, as odd as that sounds. Then again I'm not really a disinterested third party due to my own lifestyle.

 

I really can understand why you find this interesting in that way but wow what a game. It just seems stupid to me to do something so bad and hoping it all turns out your way. Just the other day I read about a guys mistress kidnapping his wife and killing her before she turned the gun on herself. I understand it doesn't always turn out with violence but I find better ways of saying you really hurt me when you cheated on me. Our sex life sucks and if you don't find a way to work with me on making this better I am going to leave and find someone else that will make me happy.

 

It seems to me everything gets taken care of one way or another and no games were ever played in the process.

 

Maybe I am the one that is crazy for thinking people should be decent and honest these days.

 

C

[RecentChange]

I'm curious as to why you feel this way ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Because I went into this with a guy agreeing:

 

I like my partnership, I want to keep it. I do NOT want to get emotionally involved with OM. This is going to be a "fling" to satisfy some physical needs and nothing more. We don't text, we don't talk on the phone, we don't pine for each other. We don't express emotions for each other. I know its selfish, and not right, but it was all physical (and I am an odd chick in that I can 100% separate emotion from sex - in a way I find many men can't from past experience)

 

What He did?

 

Told this girl (who was single) that he was divorced, and had been for some years. Became intertwined with her emotionally, was sending her lots of texts pictures etc about "missing her" (after sex when he was in her state). STILL kept contact after I found out, tried to take her on a work trip to Vegas (again, after being outed). Questioned if he loved me, or just loved everything I do for him - and perhaps this younger, more spontaneous girl would be better for him - and oh, would you wait around while I played the field and made my choice?

 

 

I know its *****ty and not very logical - But I did, and still do choose my partner. I just had a physical itch, that really needed to be scratched.

[RightThere]

I actually find this really interesting in an academic way, not the least reason being that I've heard a lot of other ppl say it. Really makes me wonder about infidelity as a tool, as odd as that sounds. Then again I'm not really a disinterested third party due to my own lifestyle.

 

Being a BS, I can't disagree with the logic. Because if both husband and wife reconcile in their "new marriage" after an affair, it can help create an even stronger bond.

 

However in this case, only the wife knows about the affair and is feeling awakened. I have to think it's just a temporary fix, and will only lead to further infidelity as the husband probably thinks their marriage is great again even though he hasn't changed his approach to it (being in the dark about the affair).

[Clay]

Because I went into this with a guy agreeing:

 

I like my partnership, I want to keep it. I do NOT want to get emotionally involved with OM. This is going to be a "fling" to satisfy some physical needs and nothing more. We don't text, we don't talk on the phone, we don't pine for each other. We don't express emotions for each other. I know its selfish, and not right, but it was all physical (and I am an odd chick in that I can 100% separate emotion from sex - in a way I find many men can't from past experience)

 

What He did?

 

Told this girl (who was single) that he was divorced, and had been for some years. Became intertwined with her emotionally, was sending her lots of texts pictures etc about "missing her" (after sex when he was in her state). STILL kept contact after I found out, tried to take her on a work trip to Vegas (again, after being outed). Questioned if he loved me, or just loved everything I do for him - and perhaps this younger, more spontaneous girl would be better for him - and oh, would you wait around while I played the field and made my choice?

 

 

I know its *****ty and not very logical - But I did, and still do choose my partner. I just had a physical itch, that really needed to be scratched.

 

And if he learns of this and decides he wants his itched as well how will you deal with that. Will this just be a back and forth game.

 

I understand you were seriously hurt by what he did but why don't you deserve better. Why do you have to stoop as low as he did if not even lower to deal with this. Is it really that there are no better guys out there that will give you the love you really deserve.

 

It just doesn't make a lot of sense to me. My xW affair-ed down too. She went from owning a house to renting and starving for the next 6 years. She then cheated on him and is now living in a truck with the new OM. Just where does this really lead for you?

 

 

C

[Arieswoman]

RecentChange,

You said,

 

I got counseling, he got counseling, we worked through it. Took a while but put it all behind me – but I totally, and 100% forgave him.

 

IMO I don't think you did 100% forgive him. If you had done you wouldn't be using what he did to justify what you did.

 

just my 6 penneth.

[nightmare01]

Being a BS, I can't disagree with the logic. Because if both husband and wife reconcile in their "new marriage" after an affair, it can help create an even stronger bond.

 

However in this case, only the wife knows about the affair and is feeling awakened. I have to think it's just a temporary fix, and will only lead to further infidelity as the husband probably thinks their marriage is great again even though he hasn't changed his approach to it (being in the dark about the affair).

 

In my experience - and in the experience of other BH I have known - a stronger marriage is a myth.. right up there with the earth being flat. Maybe it depends on how one measures happiness... which not really a quantifiable product.

 

My WW and I are still married and happy together. Looking from the outside one might believe we are perfect together and very much in love. But for me, that's not the way it is.

 

I used to love my wife unconditionally, and I don't anymore. I used to trust her completely, and I don't anymore. I am not completely invested emotionally in our marriage because I am ready to leave her at a moments notice.

 

If I even suspect she might be cheating again, I am gone. If I suspect she is having fond memories of her OM, I am gone.

 

Don't get me wrong - my wife does not exist in a cage. She can do just as she wants. I don't demand anything from her. But internally to myself I have boundaries that if she crosses will have consequences. I will never be disrespected like that again. Ever. If she does that, it's over.

 

My wife and I get along great - we have 38 years of history together, kids and grand kids together. That's a lot of shared history. We know each other very well. And we like each other. She's my best friend and she has said that I'm her best friend. I love her and she loves me - but my love comes with boundaries... boundaries that are not spoken of, but are there regardless.

 

Does that sound like our marriage is better?

[RecentChange]

Perhaps Clay - and you are obliviously drawing on your own experiences.

 

We worked through what we went through 5 years ago - And I don't feel like "deserve better" as I feel that his actions were largely the result of a "broken" man, as when it all got drilled down, it came down to low self esteem, self loathing, and a feeling that he didn't "deserve" someone like myself (who, was totally dedicated for 9 years at that point - I realize that it is someone ironic now).

 

Yeah, maybe I will end up living in a car..... but I am a highly educated person, with a very successful career. I am the bread winner, who has supported us as he has pursued a number of "fun" jobs, which while fulfilling, do not pay the bills.

 

If the **** really hit the fan - I would be the one landing on two feet (not that I want it to go there).

 

I know its perhaps cliche - but I have played more of the "man" role in most of my relationships. I am the money earner. I pay the bills and keep the house together. Cars, leases etc are in my name. And I am the one with the bigger and more adventurous sexual apatite.

 

As for the "awakening" good point RightThere (regarding the one sidedness) - but I have verbalized things that I want to see change - and seen positive results. I hope I am still able to stoke the fire.

[RightThere]

In my experience - and in the experience of other BH I have known - a stronger marriage is a myth.. right up there with the earth being flat. Maybe it depends on how one measures happiness... which not really a quantifiable product.

 

My WW and I are still married and happy together. Looking from the outside one might believe we are perfect together and very much in love. But for me, that's not the way it is.

 

I used to love my wife unconditionally, and I don't anymore. I used to trust her completely, and I don't anymore. I am not completely invested emotionally in our marriage because I am ready to leave her at a moments notice.

 

If I even suspect she might be cheating again, I am gone. If I suspect she is having fond memories of her OM, I am gone.

 

Don't get me wrong - my wife does not exist in a cage. She can do just as she wants. I don't demand anything from her. But internally to myself I have boundaries that if she crosses will have consequences. I will never be disrespected like that again. Ever. If she does that, it's over.

 

My wife and I get along great - we have 38 years of history together, kids and grand kids together. That's a lot of shared history. We know each other very well. And we like each other. She's my best friend and she has said that I'm her best friend. I love her and she loves me - but my love comes with boundaries... boundaries that are not spoken of, but are there regardless.

 

Does that sound like our marriage is better?

 

No disrespect, but there are plenty of examples, even here on LS, of couples that experienced infidelity and as a result of working through it properly, are stronger than before.

 

I definitely don't think it's the norm, but more the exception. I actually believe it is much harder work to go through the pains of true reconciliation versus divorcing and moving on.

 

So no, your marriage does not sound better. But a better marriage bond after infidelity exists. It is not a myth.

[RightThere]

As for the "awakening" good point RightThere (regarding the one sidedness) - but I have verbalized things that I want to see change - and seen positive results. I hope I am still able to stoke the fire.

 

All I can say is nothing makes a more permanent change in someone like a "shovel to the face" that discovering infidelity does to a BS.

[nightmare01]

No disrespect, but there are plenty of examples, even here on LS, of couples that experienced infidelity and as a result of working through it properly, are stronger than before.

 

I definitely don't think it's the norm, but more the exception. I actually believe it is much harder work to go through the pains of true reconciliation versus divorcing and moving on.

 

So no, your marriage does not sound better. But a better marriage bond after infidelity exists. It is not a myth.

 

no disrespect or offence taken. we all have different opinions and come from different places in our experiences.

 

After the Bubonic Plague many historians believe that the lives of Europeans were better because there was fewer mouths to feed.. generally the average European was more prosperous and better fed. I wonder though if one were to go back in time, would those surviving Europeans, who lost so many people they loved to the plague, would they agree that their lives are better?

 

I've seen statistics where 90% of WS feel their marriage is better after an affair, whereas only 30% of BS would agree. So I think the favor-ability of the marriage after cheating is biased to the WS side.

 

I think that after an affair the marriage will always be different. Different than it was certainly, and also different than it could have been.

[RecentChange]

And even if I am getting beat up a bit - I am glad I posted because I want to work these things through in my head.

 

YES - I think that deep down - I probably didn't totally forgive him, at least not like it "never happened" - because I used the fact that it did happen as an excuse.

 

And while I would say I was "happy" with how things were - truthfully I feel under appreciated - and do have a hard time verbalizing that. He gets to "have the fun" (and spend our $) while I work insane hours, and still do all of the domestic things at home.

[nightmare01]

And even if I am getting beat up a bit - I am glad I posted because I want to work these things through in my head.

 

YES - I think that deep down - I probably didn't totally forgive him, at least not like it "never happened" - because I used the fact that it did happen as an excuse.

 

And while I would say I was "happy" with how things were - truthfully I feel under appreciated - and do have a hard time verbalizing that. He gets to "have the fun" (and spend our $) while I work insane hours, and still do all of the domestic things at home.

 

and in all honesty - if I came across an attractive woman that was intellectually engaging and fun... I can't say I would do anything different than you did. And I would likely use my WW's LTA as the hall-pass to go ahead and do it.

 

Funny-ish thing.. Soon after her LTA was confessed she suggested that I go and have a ONS to "even things out". I don't know how a ONS can somehow even things with a LTA - EA & PA (8+ years in all). I think to even the score I would have to have just the same sort of affair she did.

 

If that opportunity came along (and I'm not looking for it) with the right person - I can't say that I would say NO to the opportunity.

[S_A]

I've been thinking lately (and I made a long post about this on another forum) that women may not be wired for monogamy. I think your story sort of illustrates what I've been starting to believe.

 

I'm guessing you needed to "air this out" because you feel some guilt. You seem like a really sharp person. I'd also say you are an extremely understanding and mature person based on how you handled news of your husband's affair and how you set the rules for yours. As weird as this may sound, you come off as a really good person even though your first post on this forum is a story about you having an affair (shocked), which would explain why you'd feel guilt.

 

Your story honestly just makes me think and want to re-evaluate my beliefs on "cheating".

 

Thanks for sharing your story.