A "Successful" Affair?

[RecentChange]

Lots of interesting thoughts – obviously from various perspectives and experiences. Can’t say that I agree with all of them (as they pertain to my situation), but all the more to mull over. (besides, its not all about “me” is it? This is a forum for people to express and work out their own issues).

 

As for a “open” relationship or swinging – at least right now, I am not going there, I don’t feel a need to go there. Maybe some of you are right, and I won’t be able to stop what I started – but right now, I feel like its “over” (it – being my week of “poor choices”).

 

As for loving my partner, I feel that I still love him. I do a lot for him, and put him before myself in many ways (things that I wouldn’t do for someone I didn’t care deeply about). He can still kiss me in a passionate way that gives me that “flutter” that is different than with someone I do not have an emotional connection – and despite doing “stupid” things, I don’t want to hurt him. Is it on FIRE like it was years ago? When we went at it like rabbits on a daily – no, but that was the lust side. I still love him, I still enjoy sex with him, I am trying to re-awaken that flame – I don’t think its unusual for straight up LUST to wane after 14 years… and I think I had almost forgotten about it until Mr. Smells amazing showed up.

 

As for the OM just being the gate way drug to more…. Gosh, I don’t know about that either. There were a lot of factors that aligned to make this “happen”. Someone who I see a couple times a week, but do not work with (and no, I am NOT going to go trolling online), who doesn’t know anyone from my “circle” and vice versa. Someone who for whatever reason I was VERY attracted to (can’t recall ever being drawn physically to someone like this), someone who found myself equally compelling. Someone who also desired a “fling” with max secrecy and zero emotional attachment. Oh, and there is something about the way he SMELLS that just makes me crazy. Haven’t ever experienced that before (and that started the first day I met him). – IDK, maybe someone else will fall into my life and be equally irresistible and convenient – but I don’t see it.

 

A bit of a personal revelation – I am 37 – Maybe I am having a bit of a midlife crisis?! Thought about the fact that this “fling” really turned me up, and made me feel more “alive” than I have in a while. I have become more dedicated to my sleep and exercise regimes – I want to do things for ME – to make myself feel good, and get my heart thumping. Is it a coincidence I finally got that work done on my little sporty 5 speed and its now my daily driver, while my wagon is ditched in the driveway? A spirted drive in the mountains last weekend (with a guy in Porsche in pursuit – sorry buddy, I know this drive like the back of my hand) got my heart thumping and I thought (much like the casual sex with the OM) – GOD I missed this!

 

I have always been a bit of a thrill seeker I guess (my other hobby is high speed horse jumping events) – I thinking feeding the adrenaline junky in me is something else I had been neglecting.

 

And lastly – can my guy, sexually provide the same thing I was looking for with the OM? Unfortunately no, and its not due to any short comings. Its just – hum – there is something about some raunchy sex with someone that you DON’T care about – that is hard to replicate with someone that you do have an emotional connection with. It has to do with using, and being used I think…. (again, I am mulling all of this). Let’s just say he didn’t treat me like his “wife”.

 

So where do I go from here? At the moment its “back to the real world” – I am focusing more on myself, perhaps if I dedicate more to fulfilling myself in healthier ways I can strike a better balance. The “Mr” (as I often call him) may be wondering why I am horny constantly, but so far is not complaining (and I am being VERY forward about this!). I have seen the “other man” since we called it quits – and so far, it’s what we agreed to last time I walked out of his house – “I will see you again – but never again like this” – has stuck. We said we would go back to being causal “friends” like before (I DO enjoy talking about culture, international politics and other things with him), pretend like this week never happened…. So far so good. He doesn’t stare at my with that “lust face” any more, and I don’t get all hot and bothered by his presence.

 

And I don’t expect you all to understand (but a few of you DO get it I think) – I am not sure I totally understand it all either – but I am working on it.

[RightThere]

I give you a "like" for your total honesty.

[RecentChange]

Recent,

i am a madhatter like you. First a bs then a ws. My question is; why did it take an affair to ramp up your sexlife with your bs. What if you had put the effort in to your bs instead of OM.

 

What was it about your affair that reignite the passion with you H? I know i do not want to start up a new affair, i just miss the hot sex my wife and i use to have. Thoughts?

 

I don't know if I have any really helpful tips here....

 

What was it about the affair that has me texting my partner to be READY as soon as I get home from work.... Its that the excitement of being with the OM put sex on my mind constantly - so I am re-directing that energy. Why did it take an affair - I don't know, I think its kinda hard to pull LUST out of thin air.

 

Has it perfected things in the sack for my partner and I.... no, helped yes, made it once it was.. close.

 

Getting more of it, which is nice, but the affair has left me longing for certain things that my partner just can't deliver. Its not his fault, its just, I don't think I would even want him to treat me / do the same things that turn me on when a "stranger" does them. I am going to chalk that up to me being "quirky".

[oldshirt]

Lots of interesting thoughts – obviously from various perspectives and experiences. Can’t say that I agree with all of them (as they pertain to my situation), but all the more to mull over. (besides, its not all about “me” is it? This is a forum for people to express and work out their own issues).

 

As for a “open” relationship or swinging – at least right now, I am not going there, I don’t feel a need to go there. Maybe some of you are right, and I won’t be able to stop what I started – but right now, I feel like its “over” (it – being my week of “poor choices”).

 

As for loving my partner, I feel that I still love him. I do a lot for him, and put him before myself in many ways (things that I wouldn’t do for someone I didn’t care deeply about). He can still kiss me in a passionate way that gives me that “flutter” that is different than with someone I do not have an emotional connection – and despite doing “stupid” things, I don’t want to hurt him. Is it on FIRE like it was years ago? When we went at it like rabbits on a daily – no, but that was the lust side. I still love him, I still enjoy sex with him, I am trying to re-awaken that flame – I don’t think its unusual for straight up LUST to wane after 14 years… and I think I had almost forgotten about it until Mr. Smells amazing showed up.

 

As for the OM just being the gate way drug to more…. Gosh, I don’t know about that either. There were a lot of factors that aligned to make this “happen”. Someone who I see a couple times a week, but do not work with (and no, I am NOT going to go trolling online), who doesn’t know anyone from my “circle” and vice versa. Someone who for whatever reason I was VERY attracted to (can’t recall ever being drawn physically to someone like this), someone who found myself equally compelling. Someone who also desired a “fling” with max secrecy and zero emotional attachment. Oh, and there is something about the way he SMELLS that just makes me crazy. Haven’t ever experienced that before (and that started the first day I met him). – IDK, maybe someone else will fall into my life and be equally irresistible and convenient – but I don’t see it.

 

A bit of a personal revelation – I am 37 – Maybe I am having a bit of a midlife crisis?! Thought about the fact that this fling” really turned me up, and made me feel more “alive” than I have in a while. I have become more dedicated to my sleep and exercise regimes – I want to do things for ME – to make myself feel good, and get my heart thumping. Is it a coincidence I finally got that work done on my little sporty 5 speed and its now my daily driver, while my wagon is ditched in the driveway? A spirted drive in the mountains last weekend (with a guy in Porsche in pursuit – sorry buddy, I know this drive like the back of my hand) got my heart thumping and I thought (much like the casual sex with the OM) – GOD I missed this!

 

I have always been a bit of a thrill seeker I guess (my other hobby is high speed horse jumping events) – I thinking feeding the adrenaline junky in me is something else I had been neglecting.

 

And lastly – can my guy, sexually provide the same thing I was looking for with the OM? Unfortunately no, and its not due to any short comings. Its just – hum – there is something about some raunchy sex with someone that you DON’T care about – that is hard to replicate with someone that you do have an emotional connection with. It has to do with using, and being used I think…. (again, I am mulling all of this). Let’s just say he didn’t treat me like his “wife”.

 

So where do I go from here? At the moment its “back to the real world” – I am focusing more on myself, perhaps if I dedicate more to fulfilling myself in healthier ways I can strike a better balance. The “Mr” (as I often call him) may be wondering why I am horny constantly, but so far is not complaining (and I am being VERY forward about this!). I have seen the “other man” since we called it quits – and so far, it’s what we agreed to last time I walked out of his house – “I will see you again – but never again like this” – has stuck. We said we would go back to being causal “friends” like before (I DO enjoy talking about culture, international politics and other things with him), pretend like this week never happened…. So far so good. He doesn’t stare at my with that “lust face” any more, and I don’t get all hot and bothered by his presence.

 

And I don’t expect you all to understand (but a few of you DO get it I think) – I am not sure I totally understand it all either – but I am working on it.

 

I haven't read all 6 pages so forgive me if I have missed anything, but I have a little different take on this.

 

I'm in my early 50s now but in my mid and upper 20s I was a serial OM and had several experiences very similar to that of your smells-good man, except I wasn't married.

 

I married my wife almost 20 years ago and approx 10 years ago we became heavily involved in the swinging lifestyle and were quite active in that lifestyle for several years. We've since settled back down into a 95% traditional marriage and lifestyle now but I still remember the swinging days fondly.

 

My take on this is that you have dodged his bullet and that this A was in fact "successful" for you now....with emphasis on "now." If you don't tell your BY about it, there is a 99% chance he will never know and you'll get away with it.

 

The catch is you are a highly sexual person and you do compartmentalize well. And you are now like a drug addict that has had your first hit of crack. Trust me, I know exactly where you are coming from when you talk about being alive again and having it rejuvenate your sex life at home.

 

I can also tell you are not at all guilt riddled and do not feel in your heart or sole that you actually did anything wrong.

 

Then adding the facts you two aren't married (which I assume is a mutual division and that both of you are comfortable with nontraditional lifestyles) and the fact you don't have and do not intend to have kids.

 

I am going to depart from the rest of the posters here and I am actually going to encourage you to research and give serious consideration to the swinging lifestyle.

 

Cont...

[DKT3]

I'm interested in why you don't want an open relationship? Its sure seems open on your side, why not offer the same?

 

While most cheating women will only do so ONCE, I don't get that from your posts here, I see a woman that has the makings of a serial cheater. As for Mr smells whatever, that is far from over.

 

Let us know how it works out in a few months.

[oldshirt]

Cont....

 

My hunch is the reason you blew off the fist suggestion of open relationship/swinging is because you don't want your BF afforded the same privileges of having some fun and new adventures as well. That is just insecurity and selfishness on your part, get over it. What's good for he goose is good for the gander.

 

If you two look into this together and discuss it together and come up with ground rules and boundaries etc together, you can both scratch your itches for some variety and excitement without risking the death of your relationship due to grabbing some strange when the opportunity arose.

 

It's a fun and exciting hobby you can do together and then come home all fun of those sexy hormones and really tear it up in bed together at the end of the night.

 

As someone who has been to swinger clubs and conventions etc all over the country for years, I can tell you that you are already 90% swinger now.

 

The only thing you haven't done is talk to you BF about it and take him to the party.

 

He already knows you aren't some kind of June Cleaver or Little Miss Suzy Homemaker. This is not going to shock or disgust him when you bring it up. He will likely be all over it.

 

Pull your big girl panties up and bring it up to him and discuss it with him like partnered adults.

 

Cheating is the most destructive thing you can do in a relationship and I guarantee you that if you don't find a sanctioned relief valve for your desires for strange, you will cheat again and next time it may not be "successful."

[RecentChange]

You all have some food for thought.....

 

For some reason "groups" of swingers sounds a bit stomach turning to me - for now at least.... Conventions? Oh man... even more so. And I am not trying to "diss" you - its, just, I don't know, I like it being my private little thing....

 

I can imagine perhaps a open relationship type thing. I agree, if I "can" then he should be able to... but swingers convention? No F'ing way.

 

On a side note - I am a total introvert. I know, doesn't seem to "match" in that I am NOT shy, and do not mind striking a conversation up with strangers, or being VERY frank about things... but "group" clubs, many social settings make my skin crawl. I joke that I can be VERY happy has a hermit in the woods. A swingers group sounds like a nightmare to me....

 

As for hitting "the pipe" yeah.... I was a bit of a "crack head" in college, had my "boy toys" (which were not the same as guys I was "seriously" dating) - I am aware of its effects... but I think I can control myself - maybe you are all right, and I am wrong... but time will tell.

 

(on a side note - I watched many friends become drug addicts in my youth, while I was always able to "dabble" while being VERY aware, and respectful of the "grip" those substances can take - and avoided that sort of downward spiral). Sometimes I can resist things that are alluring, and even quite addicting.

 

I am still very attracted to the OM - I will admit that. I think he has a WHOLE bunch more to lose in his "situation" than I do, so I really do think its over. And as "scummy" as I come off on here... I won't invite him to do otherwise. (and another side - because I got spanked about it here. Yeah, OM is married, yes, that is a *****ty thing for me to do. But, honestly, I view that as THEIR problem, not mine - just I do not think the OM is my partner's problem - I am the issue. If the OM had KIDS - eh, I think that would have stopped me - but - again, selfish and ****ty - a wife meant he had all the same reasons to keep this private as I have)

 

And yes, I do compartment sex / emotions very very well - like I said, I haven't (had sex with at least) come across anyone else who is quite the same. Its a gift and a burden!

 

And again, yes, my partner is very aware that I am not very "conventional" and either is our relationship in some ways. Heck, he knew I was F'ing my "buddy" when we started dating, and knew ALL about that unconventional "side" relationship.

[oldshirt]

 

Cheating is the most destructive thing you can do in a relationship and I guarantee you that if you don't find a sanctioned relief valve for your desires for strange, you will cheat again and next time it may not be "successful."

 

I want to expand on this just a little more so you understand what is at stake here.

 

I am as serious as a heart attack here when I say that the chances of you getting it on with men other than your BF is essentially 100%.

 

Your previous counselors saw that, and I can see that as clear as day. The die has been set, it's going to happen. Your choice going forward is you can either dump your BF and find someone else.

 

Or become a serial cheater and run the risk of getting caught and blowing up your relationship.

 

Or admit that you need some form of no-strings variety and outside satisfaction and work out an arraingement that is mutually agreeable and consensual between the two of you.

 

Going back into a healthy and satisfying monogamous relationship is not going to work for you.

 

Swinging is largely about accepting and dealing with the truths of the world. In this case the primal truth is you are a sexual free spirit and you will become like a caged animal now that you have tasted that freedom.

 

You can either try to suppress those desires and deal with those ramifications.

 

Or seek to fulfill those desires behind your BF' s back and deal with those ramifications

 

Or you can work out a mutually consensual arraignment with him and deal with those potential payoffs as well as potential ramifications.

 

Here is the bottom line equation. Swinging might be the greatest thing since sliced bread for you two. Or it may not work out all that great.

 

But one thing that is a cosmic certainty is that cheating is ALWAYS destructive and always leaves bitterness, pain and drama in its wake.

 

You simply aren't going be able to only be with your BF for the rest of your life. You can either chose to scratch that itch in a manner that is universally painful and destructive, or you can try to do it in a manner that is mutually consenting, benificial, fun.

 

What separates those two choices is how selfish you are. Do you want to keep him home and unaware so you get all the num-nums to yourself. Or are you willing to bring him into it so he can enjoy the fruits of the Fun Tree also?

[Mr. Lucky]

just I do not think the OM is my partner's problem - I am the issue.

 

Why don't you get a second opinion - say, from your partner - on this? Be pretty easy to find out if there's agreement.

 

 

And yes, I do compartment sex / emotions very very well - like I said, I haven't (had sex with at least) come across anyone else who is quite the same. Its a gift and a burden!

 

And again, yes, my partner is very aware that I am not very "conventional" and either is our relationship in some ways. Heck, he knew I was F'ing my "buddy" when we started dating, and knew ALL about that unconventional "side" relationship.

 

Concealing and compartmentalizing are two different things. I'd guess your partner thinks you gave up your FB and all other outside arrangements when you became exclusive....

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

You all have some food for thought.....

 

For some reason "groups" of swingers sounds a bit stomach turning to me - for now at least.... Conventions? Oh man... even more so. And I am not trying to "diss" you - its, just, I don't know, I like it being my private little thing....

 

I can imagine perhaps a open relationship type thing. I agree, if I "can" then he should be able to... but swingers convention? No F'ing way.

 

On a side note - I am a total introvert. I know, doesn't seem to "match" in that I am NOT shy, and do not mind striking a conversation up with strangers, or being VERY frank about things... but "group" clubs, many social settings make my skin crawl. I joke that I can be VERY happy has a hermit in the woods. A swingers group sounds like a nightmare to me....

 

As for hitting "the pipe" yeah.... I was a bit of a "crack head" in college, had my "boy toys" (which were not the same as guys I was "seriously" dating) - I am aware of its effects... but I think I can control myself - maybe you are all right, and I am wrong... but time will tell.

 

(on a side note - I watched many friends become drug addicts in my youth, while I was always able to "dabble" while being VERY aware, and respectful of the "grip" those substances can take - and avoided that sort of downward spiral). Sometimes I can resist things that are alluring, and even quite addicting.

 

I am still very attracted to the OM - I will admit that. I think he has a WHOLE bunch more to lose in his "situation" than I do, so I really do think its over. And as "scummy" as I come off on here... I won't invite him to do otherwise. (and another side - because I got spanked about it here. Yeah, OM is married, yes, that is a *****ty thing for me to do. But, honestly, I view that as THEIR problem, not mine - just I do not think the OM is my partner's problem - I am the issue. If the OM had KIDS - eh, I think that would have stopped me - but - again, selfish and ****ty - a wife meant he had all the same reasons to keep this private as I have)

 

And yes, I do compartment sex / emotions very very well - like I said, I haven't (had sex with at least) come across anyone else who is quite the same. Its a gift and a burden!

 

And again, yes, my partner is very aware that I am not very "conventional" and either is our relationship in some ways. Heck, he knew I was F'ing my "buddy" when we started dating, and knew ALL about that unconventional "side" relationship.

 

 

This is why I said to RESEARCH swinging and look into it. Learnt about it. Discover what it is and what it is not.

 

There are millions of myths and mistruths out there about swinging.

 

Yes I have been to clubs and conventions etc but there are countless other venues and options out there if that ain't your thang.

 

You can be as picky and selective about how you practice your craft as you want to be. There is something for everyone.

 

My wife and I spent two full years researching it and discussing it and looking into different venues before we ever actually had sex with anyone.

 

Researching and talking about it and running all the possible (and impossible ;-) ) scenarios in our heads was half the fun and it was also a very bonding experience that we went through together.

 

Open your mind and start looking into it and find out how things really work in that lifestyle. It's not anything like what is portrayed in the movies and tv shows etc.

[DKT3]

You all have some food for thought.....

 

For some reason "groups" of swingers sounds a bit stomach turning to me - for now at least.... Conventions? Oh man... even more so. And I am not trying to "diss" you - its, just, I don't know, I like it being my private little thing....

 

I can imagine perhaps a open relationship type thing. I agree, if I "can" then he should be able to... but swingers convention? No F'ing way.

 

On a side note - I am a total introvert. I know, doesn't seem to "match" in that I am NOT shy, and do not mind striking a conversation up with strangers, or being VERY frank about things... but "group" clubs, many social settings make my skin crawl. I joke that I can be VERY happy has a hermit in the woods. A swingers group sounds like a nightmare to me....

 

As for hitting "the pipe" yeah.... I was a bit of a "crack head" in college, had my "boy toys" (which were not the same as guys I was "seriously" dating) - I am aware of its effects... but I think I can control myself - maybe you are all right, and I am wrong... but time will tell.

 

(on a side note - I watched many friends become drug addicts in my youth, while I was always able to "dabble" while being VERY aware, and respectful of the "grip" those substances can take - and avoided that sort of downward spiral). Sometimes I can resist things that are alluring, and even quite addicting.

 

I am still very attracted to the OM - I will admit that. I think he has a WHOLE bunch more to lose in his "situation" than I do, so I really do think its over. And as "scummy" as I come off on here... I won't invite him to do otherwise. (and another side - because I got spanked about it here. Yeah, OM is married, yes, that is a *****ty thing for me to do. But, honestly, I view that as THEIR problem, not mine - just I do not think the OM is my partner's problem - I am the issue. If the OM had KIDS - eh, I think that would have stopped me - but - again, selfish and ****ty - a wife meant he had all the same reasons to keep this private as I have)

 

And yes, I do compartment sex / emotions very very well - like I said, I haven't (had sex with at least) come across anyone else who is quite the same. Its a gift and a burden!

 

And again, yes, my partner is very aware that I am not very "conventional" and either is our relationship in some ways. Heck, he knew I was F'ing my "buddy" when we started dating, and knew ALL about that unconventional "side" relationship.

 

Makes more sense now, cheating isn't new for you.

 

Do you honestly believe you could handle an open relationship? I honestly don't after hearing your views of swinging and your past history of cheating.

[oldshirt]

Makes more sense now, cheating isn't new for you.

 

Do you honestly believe you could handle an open relationship? I honestly don't after hearing your views of swinging and your past history of cheating.

 

Where are you getting that she cheated before?

 

I guess I am interpreting it that she IS comfortable carrying on a variety of suitors and separating the boy toys from the relationship material guys.

 

The fact her BF was aware of her activities with the boy toys indicates she wasn't cheating.

 

IMHO as an experienced swinger, I think she is exactly what swingers and people in open relationships are made of. The only question is whether her BF is also. But since they are obviously not a traditional couple I think the chances favor he'd be ok with it.

 

Her disparaging remarks towards swinging was simply due to her misconceptions about it, not that she had any moral or ethical objections about it.

 

She is actually a prime candidate for the swinging/open marriage lifestyle.

[jen1447]

People too often conflate openness with swinging ....really not the same thing, tho ppl in open relationships can swing if they want, and swinging is obvs a form of open relationship.

 

Also Recent, open relationships don't necessarily have to be 'fair and equitable.' I'm not actually trying to encourage you to go that way, just clearing up some misconceptions.

 

To me, very bscly, you just sound like a woman who likes a little sexual variety. You get different rewards out of different types of interactions. That's rather common and there's nothing wrong with it.

[RecentChange]

No, I wasn't a cheater before. All those guys knew it wasn't exclusive, and my BF got all of the details of the long term F' buddy relationship - including when it came to an end.

 

Right now - I just, don't really want to bang anyone else. Yes it something I enjoy - maybe it's because I don't have anyone in my sights....

 

Just sat for an hour with OM - and I don't know, I feel like I have been able to cool my jets - his mere presence doesn't get my lions burning any more.

 

Maybe at some point I will look into the swinger thing... If this desire becomes unbearable again (it was always something I could control before this particular guy came into my life).

 

While *I* compartmentalize like a champ - my partner does not. Sex and emotion are very much intertwined for him.... So don't know.... But he DOES know that I am different that way.

[DKT3]

People too often conflate openness with swinging ....really not the same thing, tho ppl in open relationships can swing if they want, and swinging is obvs a form of open relationship.

 

Also Recent, open relationships don't necessarily have to be 'fair and equitable.' I'm not actually trying to encourage you to go that way, just clearing up some misconceptions.

 

To me, very bscly, you just sound like a woman who likes a little sexual variety. You get different rewards out of different types of interactions. That's rather common and there's nothing wrong with it.

 

Open means open, which isn't only sexual. Who can define what's fair in others relationship?

 

It doesn't matter if she is the only one sleeping around as long as he knows and agrees then its open. Her SO is totally unaware about what she is doing so that makes it wrong no matter what kind of sex she likes. Making unilateral decisions based on what SHE feels he can or can't handle is wrong. I suspect the real truth is she would have a major problem with him being involved with another woman, and I would bet my next paycheck she would go nuts if he engaged in a similar situation.

 

I think whatever sexlife a couple decides on for them is great as long as they are both on the same page, we are all different.

[jen1447]

Open means open, which isn't only sexual. Who can define what's fair in others relationship?

 

It doesn't matter if she is the only one sleeping around as long as he knows and agrees then its open. Her SO is totally unaware about what she is doing so that makes it wrong no matter what kind of sex she likes. Making unilateral decisions based on what SHE feels he can or can't handle is wrong. I suspect the real truth is she would have a major problem with him being involved with another woman, and I would bet my next paycheck she would go nuts if he engaged in a similar situation.

 

I think whatever sexlife a couple decides on for them is great as long as they are both on the same page, we are all different.

 

Not sure what any of that has to do with anything I said.

[jbrent890]

I don't know if I have any really helpful tips here....

 

What was it about the affair that has me texting my partner to be READY as soon as I get home from work.... Its that the excitement of being with the OM put sex on my mind constantly - so I am re-directing that energy. Why did it take an affair - I don't know, I think its kinda hard to pull LUST out of thin air.

 

Has it perfected things in the sack for my partner and I.... no, helped yes, made it once it was.. close.

 

Getting more of it, which is nice, but the affair has left me longing for certain things that my partner just can't deliver. Its not his fault, its just, I don't think I would even want him to treat me / do the same things that turn me on when a "stranger" does them. I am going to chalk that up to me being "quirky".

 

Its not you being quirky. I know a lot of women that approach sex with their partners the same way you do. It's sad actually. I have lost count of the amount of men that I have encountered that have said that they would love to have crazy sex with their wives/girlfriends. Then they find out that their partners did those things in the past with previous hookups only to become baffled as to why their partners don't do those things for them. For the life of me, I can't understand what it is about a lot of women who run away from the idea of their partners doing crazy stuff to them in bed. I have to ask, is it a respect thing?

[jbrent890]

I'm interested in why you don't want an open relationship? Its sure seems open on your side, why not offer the same?

 

While most cheating women will only do so ONCE, I don't get that from your posts here, I see a woman that has the makings of a serial cheater. As for Mr smells whatever, that is far from over.

 

Let us know how it works out in a few months.

 

I have to agree with this too. In your posts, it doesn't really sound like you want this to be over. I'm about to make a gross assumption, but I really do think this "fling" would have happened regardless of your partner's cheating. Listen, I'm not trying to beat you up and I really do appreciate your honesty. Personally, I think you took a great stab at it, but I don't think monogamy is really your thing. Trust me, there is going to be someone else that will come along that will set you off and sadly, I think your going to crack then too. I have no doubt that you love your boyfriend, but because you believe that this fling had so many positive aspects, I think you are going to do this again. If not the smelly dude, then someone else.

[DKT3]

Its not you being quirky. I know a lot of women that approach sex with their partners the same way you do. It's sad actually. I have lost count of the amount of men that I have encountered that have said that they would love to have crazy sex with their wives/girlfriends. Then they find out that their partners did those things in the past with previous hookups only to become baffled as to why their partners don't do those things for them. For the life of me, I can't understand what it is about a lot of women who run away from the idea of their partners doing crazy stuff to them in bed. I have to ask, is it a respect thing?

 

I think many will deny it, but there is a good chance that many women fear what their husbands/boyfriends would think of them should they open up and show their true sexual being. I really believe that OP fall in that range being she said she would even enjoy her SO doing the things she did with AP. Which to me is the sad part here, feeling that she has to go outside of her relationship to get what her SO would likely love to give her.

[jbrent890]

I think many will deny it, but there is a good chance that many women fear what their husbands/boyfriends would think of them should they open up and show their true sexual being. I really believe that OP fall in that range being she said she would even enjoy her SO doing the things she did with AP. Which to me is the sad part here, feeling that she has to go outside of her relationship to get what her SO would likely love to give her.

 

Not to mention, you see this a lot with women in affairs. How many stories have you heard where the WW did things sexually with the AP she refused to do with the husband.

[Sastrugi]

Its not you being quirky. I know a lot of women that approach sex with their partners the same way you do. It's sad actually. I have lost count of the amount of men that I have encountered that have said that they would love to have crazy sex with their wives/girlfriends. Then they find out that their partners did those things in the past with previous hookups only to become baffled as to why their partners don't do those things for them. For the life of me, I can't understand what it is about a lot of women who run away from the idea of their partners doing crazy stuff to them in bed. I have to ask, is it a respect thing?

 

 

I wonder the same thing.

[minimariah]

I have to ask, is it a respect thing?

 

it's about lack of chemistry/passion with their partner.

 

i wanted to do wild, crazy stuff with men & women i was super attracted to & consumed with desire. with folks you got "meh" chemistry with you become lazy & they simply don't turn you on enough for certain fantasies.

 

and the reality is -- many women AND men settle and marry partners they aren't attracted to.

[Hope Shimmers]

Its not you being quirky. I know a lot of women that approach sex with their partners the same way you do. It's sad actually. I have lost count of the amount of men that I have encountered that have said that they would love to have crazy sex with their wives/girlfriends. Then they find out that their partners did those things in the past with previous hookups only to become baffled as to why their partners don't do those things for them. For the life of me, I can't understand what it is about a lot of women who run away from the idea of their partners doing crazy stuff to them in bed. I have to ask, is it a respect thing?

 

Because daily life with a partner doesn't lend itself to passion. Has nothing to do with wanting to do sexual things with an AP that you wouldn't do with your spouse. At least it wasn't with me.

 

However, when you spend day in and day out (and year in and year out) with a person, mainly talking about who forgot to buy dog food and who burned the hamburgers or why did our 18 year old wreck the car for the second time in 2 months or why don't you pick your dirty clothes up from the floor, you know, just ONCE.... it can be hard to separate that out, and feel sexual or sexy with your partner. The first thing on your mind isn't being wildly sexual with your partner; it's how to get through the next day.

 

Maybe not so much with men, who just think about sex all the time and don't connect it with anything else, but women think about the whole package. That desire to be wild and sexual is just not there when a half hour ago there was an argument about whose turn it is to do the laundry.

 

So if that is going to be overcome, there had better be some other REALLY good stuff going on in the marriage.

 

It's a mindset that I worked for during my marriage, even though the marriage wasn't good. Sex (and good sex) was the ONLY problem we didn't have. He still wants sex from me (just not the rest of it!). I don't want any part of him, but again this is a perfect example - he doesn't want me, but sex would just be great! I participated in that for the first few years after our divorce; not anymore.

 

Just like everything else, it's a gender thing because men and women come from different emotional planets.

[still_an_Angel]

Its not you being quirky. I know a lot of women that approach sex with their partners the same way you do. It's sad actually. I have lost count of the amount of men that I have encountered that have said that they would love to have crazy sex with their wives/girlfriends. Then they find out that their partners did those things in the past with previous hookups only to become baffled as to why their partners don't do those things for them. For the life of me, I can't understand what it is about a lot of women who run away from the idea of their partners doing crazy stuff to them in bed. I have to ask, is it a respect thing?

 

 

 

Because an affair is the dark side, a woman having an affair gets lost in the excitement, lust, and all that. Walking the dark path lends to sexual fantasies that are easily carried out with an AP. All the "dirty" and taboo sex practices, positions, etc are so easy to do with someone who is on the same level of sexual high. After all, the affair bubble is built exactly for what it is - a fantasy and its easy to loose all sexual inhibitions in this world that is separate from a person's daily life. So to be dirty, to do everything that is "kinky", enjoy it with no inhibitions, the AP is doing the same. And there is no worry of a change in the sexual dynamics in the marriage, no need to worry about the spouse's reaction and possible turn off to the "wild" sex.

 

 

Its pretty hard to believe sometimes, that a couple who are married for 15-20 years are still unable to bare their sexual fantasies to their spouse, the one person who is supposed to know them very well thus should have nothing to hide. But this is real, and probably why there are WS out there.

 

 

I don't speak for everyone in affairs, but this is what I learned from mine. My MM has been married for over 25 years to his W. But she has no idea of his true sexual preference for bdsm. I wonder how well does she really know him?

[singer23]

People will think this is an attack but anyone notice how much narcissism is overflowing from OP's posts ?

 

Really? The husband reaping the benefits of her affair because she has become more sexual ? What kind of POS one must be to come to tha conclusion ?

Edited July 24, 2015 by singer23