A "Successful" Affair?

[Hope Shimmers]

Your wasting your time. It appears she is only came for support in her choices. This is why I suggested she move this to the OM/OW forum.

 

C

 

Right, because everyone on the OM/OW forum is there just to get support and pats on the back for their decision to cheat.

 

I agree with Just a Guy. There are certain people on this forum who just seem to see it as their own personal place of Doom and Gloom, and damn - everyone else better just meet those criteria!

 

The OP has every right to post here, whether anyone else likes it or not. There is nothing to indicate that she is in "denial". An emotional affair requires an emotional connection and according to WHAT SHE POSTED, she doesn't have one with this guy unless you count conversations about saving each other a seat on the train. Where in there is "denial"? Sometimes things really ARE just what they seem, and not some huge deeper, horrible thing. Jeez.

Edited August 7, 2015 by Hope Shimmers

[Clay]

Right, because everyone on the OM/OW forum is there just to get support and pats on the back for their decision to cheat.

 

I agree with Just a Guy. There are certain people on this forum who just seem to see it as their own personal place of Doom and Gloom, and damn - everyone else better just meet those criteria!

 

The OP has every right to post here, whether you and DKT3 like it or not. There is nothing to indicate that she is in "denial". An emotional affair requires an emotional connection and according to WHAT SHE POSTED, she doesn't have one with this guy unless you count conversations about saving each other a seat on the train. Where in there is "denial"? Sometimes things really ARE just what they seem, and not some huge deeper, horrible thing. Jeez.

 

I understand your ok with Cheating. I understand you support that. She does have every right to post here just like you do. I just feel she would get better support on the other part of the forum. If you disagree with that then fine. If you read my previous posts you would see I did attempt multiple times on having a discussion about this. So did others. She avoided most and moved on to the comments that were supporting her thoughts and stance.

 

I just think she would get better support over there. I am sorry you feel that means its all Doom and Gloom.

 

C

[Hope Shimmers]

I understand your ok with Cheating. I understand you support that. She does have every right to post here just like you do. I just feel she would get better support on the other part of the forum. If you disagree with that then fine. If you read my previous posts you would see I did attempt multiple times on having a discussion about this. So did others. She avoided most and moved on to the comments that were supporting her thoughts and stance.

 

I just think she would get better support over there. I am sorry you feel that means its all Doom and Gloom.

 

C

 

You think I am "okay" with cheating and that I "support" it? Have you read even one of my posts?

 

You don't know the FIRST thing about me.

 

Unbelievable.

 

I'm out.

[RecentChange]

If you are really curious about the timeline and communication – here it is.

 

We met back in February – yet another fatality on the tracks meant we were delayed for close to 4 hours – I start chatting with my “neighbor” as I am one to often start up conversations with strangers on my commute. We have a good time chatting, he tells me where he is from, we talk about the area we both recently moved to etc. I tell him I often sit in the same area, maybe we will chat again.

 

Time goes on, and we end up sitting together fairly often. Sometimes we chat, sometimes we don’t, sometimes he just shares his paper. He did manage to slip me his number one day – we were talking about business cards, and he showed me a card he had made for a specific project – when I go to hand it back – he tells me to keep it. This was the first “slip”. I keep it. But I also have the numbers of two people I often commute with – comes in handy if you end up wanting to share an Uber rather than wait out another long delay…

 

More time goes on. I see him less. Then about a month goes by where I don’t see him at all.

 

Then – must have been mid June - he was “back” and we were sitting together just about every day. Same as before, some chat, some silence. I joke with him to “save my seat!” as he gets their earlier, and I am often left standing if I don’t score this one spot.

 

Early July – train is full –I am left standing and for the first time I sent him a text “hey! That guy took my seat”. He responds with “oh I know, where are you?” and “I will let you know if this guy leaves”. Train makes its destinations – I am out grocery shopping and get another text: “yeah, that guy wasn’t ever going to leave”

 

I respond with “aren’t you home now? But my texts have been messed up – I dropped my phone in a tub of water this weekened”

 

He says something about “dropping it into bathtub? - interesting” I tell him no – you have quite an imagination – he says he guesses he does – I tell him he is terrible – he says it’s a compliment. I quickly see where this is going, tell him I have to walk my dogs – and I will talk to him on the train tomorrow.

 

That was the extent of our texting – one day. Next evening on the train I say “well, you are a bit less shy when texting huh?”

 

And I proceed to tell him that I don’t know why I texted him – and I don’t know what I am doing. He makes a friends with benefits suggestion – and I make a face that shows its obvious I am open to that consideration. And I make the halfhearted, “we really shouldn’t” statements – which he responds with “why?” and I gave him a LOOK – in which he concedes – “yeah that..”

 

But, we keep talking –and start setting out some parameters. I say “I don’t want a boyfriend” and tell him about the fact that I can easily separate sex from emotion, and he assures me that he can as well. That my relationship is basically stable, and I am not looking to F’ that up either – again, he assures me the same. I tell him am BORED and have been doing the “same thing for a long time” – I never got his “reasons” – I don’t know why he did this. I have a feeling his wife is probably a bit of a prude in bed, but who knows, he told me their sex life was okay.

 

Its on this day that we decide that we are going to “do it” and that’s when he says texting is too risky, and that we should get an app- he sets up our phones. He will be alone next week – so, we will figure out a time to meet up then.

 

We made all of our “plans” on the train, but like I said, used the app for quick “I just parked, headed over” type messages.

 

I just do not feel emotionally intertwined with HIM. I don’t know much about him. I guess I don’t find his personality abrasive, but I could never see us “hanging out” – just very different people. I am enamored with his dick – it’s a nice one (haha and THAT I will admit to noticing early on – I thought this guy is built like he is hung, and his tendency towards tight pants made my assumptions quite clear).

 

And I do, I get it. I am not looking for all of you to “agree” with me. This is some villainus ****. I am not expecting applause for kicking a puppy. The things I WILL agree about are the lack of morality in all of this. That its selfish, and that there is collateral damage. Its not “right” or an empathic thing to do. Its not.

 

After the fact, when he said “I don’t know – this is really selfish” I said you are right, this is really selfish, what we are doing / did isn’t right. I have my past which makes it easier for me to justify, but its still wrong you know? I told him that I “I didn’t know what his story was” and he just said that he shouldn’t be doing this. So, I ended that night with “well, I will see you again, but never again like this”.

 

I know that I DO come off as very cold on here. In “real life” I think less so, but I am a pretty cold / calculated sort of person. Wouldn’t be the first time I heard that. I have heard it from my own mother even – the thing is, I am not offended by it. There is a reason many of my friends are engineers etc (if you are an engineer, or work around many, you will know what I am talking about). I am wired a little different then some of you are.

[autumnnight]

All details and such aside...

 

When you look straight on at the fact that you have betrayed and cheated on and lied to your husband....what do you feel?

[DKT3]

All details and such aside...

 

When you look straight on at the fact that you have betrayed and cheated on and lied to your husband....what do you feel?

 

Nothing, that she has made clear.

[RecentChange]

RecentChange: whether it was EA or just PA you should realize now that it was nothing but a drug that gave you a temporary relief. how about your permanent relief, do you think you would be able to sustain side A all you life? logic say no. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I sense that you do love your H and would rather spend the rest of your life together. if that's the case you should reconsider your ways to seek happiness. I'm not saying you should talk to him about your A taht's is a another subject but you should be honest about your feelings now on.

 

This is where I feel I am at right now. No, a "side piece" is not sustainable - and I am not sustaining it with "the guy from the train" or anyone else.

 

It was a shot in the arm... and this is the part where I guess disagree with some. Instead of seeking the next high, I am using the experience to open my eyes and do some retrospection. If this DIDN'T happen - I don't know what would have pushed me to look hard at things and make changes.

 

So, I have opened up communication with my partner. I have told him about ways I had been feeling vulnerable, and been more clear about my sexual needs. I am being more proactive about it as well.

 

Yeah I am a ****ty cheating liar - but I am also trying to be more attentive to my partner's needs and rekindle the intimacy which had been floundering.

[DKT3]

RC, there is talk above about you not being in denial, however the story doesn't really fit. You say you couldn't see hanging out with this guy yet you did everyday for months. That is denial. You were spending more time with this guy then most couples at the same stage. By choice, he wasn't a co worker that you had to deal with. You were drawn to him. I'm not saying you were in love, but it wasn't / ISN'T like an appointment with a guy from Cowboys and Angels.

[SoulStorm]

 

Yeah I am a ****ty cheating liar - but I am also trying to be more attentive to my partner's needs and rekindle the intimacy which had been floundering.

 

 

It is interesting that you think by disrespecting, cheating and lying to your partner, it makes a better relationship dynamic for the both of you. The underlying devastation factor for your partner is a crippling algorithm that will almost nullify the relationship as a whole. You are on a buzz that lets you see the relationship as beneficial only because rainbows and leprechauns are preventing you from seeing the oncoming mushroom cloud that you and Mr. Smell So Good have detonated. Should your partner ever feel the effects of your infidelity, I wonder how your posts on here would flow. Will they be filled with the dancing through a field of lilies undertone or a look at the devastation this mushroom cloud I invented has done ? Time will tell

[qubist]

This is where I feel I am at right now. No, a "side piece" is not sustainable - and I am not sustaining it with "the guy from the train" or anyone else.

 

It was a shot in the arm... and this is the part where I guess disagree with some. Instead of seeking the next high, I am using the experience to open my eyes and do some retrospection. If this DIDN'T happen - I don't know what would have pushed me to look hard at things and make changes.

 

So, I have opened up communication with my partner. I have told him about ways I had been feeling vulnerable, and been more clear about my sexual needs. I am being more proactive about it as well.

 

Yeah I am a ****ty cheating liar - but I am also trying to be more attentive to my partner's needs and rekindle the intimacy which had been floundering.

You are in the right path,I like it when someone makes a mistake, realize it was a mistake and work on improving themselves. and that's exactly what you are doing. I believe cheating is wrong but I still consider it a mistake like any other that people with flaws do. lot of people here would disagree with me but if you are opening up with your husband and you don't feel the necessity of telling him then you don't have too. hopefully this experience is making you a better wife

[Clay]

You are in the right path,I like it when someone makes a mistake, realize it was a mistake and work on improving themselves. and that's exactly what you are doing. I believe cheating is wrong but I still consider it a mistake like any other that people with flaws do. lot of people here would disagree with me but if you are opening up with your husband and you don't feel the necessity of telling him then you don't have too. hopefully this experience is making you a better wife

 

This thinking is what negates a real relationship. This belief that all will be ok because I can be better is the problem. How can you truly learn if your better half doesn't know the real you. How can you experience a real relationship with both parties not knowing each others strengths as well as weaknesses.

 

Its not just the betrayal its a whole part of her he knows nothing about. Sure he can go on through life never knowing but if he ever does learn all her hard work on her self now will be undone. Sure she will feel good about herself but he will never look at her the same. In his eye she will be broken.

 

I think this is why people write about the cheater as being doppelganger. You find out the hard way the person you thought you knew you never really did all along. It was all fake.

 

C

[autumnnight]

I think that is part of what bothers me too. When a person who hasn't confessed is asking their partner to be more this or that, their partner is trying to "do better" without the knowledge that this person they are trying to please has already trashed the marriage vows.

 

If my partner asked for more "X" and had been faithful, I would probably bend over backward. If he asked for more "X" and I knew he'd been getting "X" from someone else....not so much.

 

And I think people who cheat and never confess know this.

[DKT3]

You are in the right path,I like it when someone makes a mistake, realize it was a mistake and work on improving themselves. and that's exactly what you are doing. I believe cheating is wrong but I still consider it a mistake like any other that people with flaws do. lot of people here would disagree with me but if you are opening up with your husband and you don't feel the necessity of telling him then you don't have too. hopefully this experience is making you a better wife

 

She isn't adressing the real issue which is HER. Instead she is only willing to address what she sees as his issues that lead her to cheating, some he can't change (thin penis). This will most likely not end with success. As stated before she is riding on a high for having her "needs" met in the short term. Soon that will fade and her partner will still have a thin penis and a lower sex drive, she will have not address any of her issue and the hunt for Mr Smells Good II will be on.

[qubist]

This thinking is what negates a real relationship. This belief that all will be ok because I can be better is the problem. How can you truly learn if your better half doesn't know the real you. How can you experience a real relationship with both parties not knowing each others strengths as well as weaknesses.

 

Its not just the betrayal its a whole part of her he knows nothing about. Sure he can go on through life never knowing but if he ever does learn all her hard work on her self now will be undone. Sure she will feel good about herself but he will never look at her the same. In his eye she will be broken.

 

I think this is why people write about the cheater as being doppelganger. You find out the hard way the person you thought you knew you never really did all along. It was all fake.

 

C

I respect your opinion, but let me emphasize one thing. the most important is for her to admit the mistake then to work with her H on the flaws that they have in their R. whether she can do it without confessing is another story. I just think in general confession is not necessary. I didn't mean that she would be just OK if she just ignored the A like nothing happened. I still believe she has a mountain to climb and I wanted to warn her about it I just taught I'd wait for her response first.

[autumnnight]

I respect your opinion, but let me emphasize one thing. the most important is for her to admit the mistake then to work with her H on the flaws that they have in their R. whether she can do it without confessing is another story. I just think in general confession is not necessary. I didn't mean that she would be just OK if she just ignored the A like nothing happened. I still believe she has a mountain to climb and I wanted to warn her about it I just taught I'd wait for her response first.

 

Let me ask this way:

 

You and your spouse are in financial trouble and have had the problems for some time. Your spouse asks you to control your spending, maybe take a second job, etc. to make things better. What you DON'T know is that she had a brief stint as a gambling addict behind your back and incurred 100,000 dollars in debt. How do you feel about stepping up now? The same as when you thought it was just a joint money problem? Or do you feel a bit used and betrayed that you were busting your butt after your spouse blew 100 grand?

 

Because that is what is going on when a WS starts asking the BS to fix this and that in the marriage without coming clean. They are asking their partner to repair something that they secretly took a sledgehammer to.

[DKT3]

I respect your opinion, but let me emphasize one thing. the most important is for her to admit the mistake then to work with her H on the flaws that they have in their R. whether she can do it without confessing is another story. I just think in general confession is not necessary. I didn't mean that she would be just OK if she just ignored the A like nothing happened. I still believe she has a mountain to climb and I wanted to warn her about it I just taught I'd wait for her response first.

 

I disagree, doing it this way once again is working on his issues, many of which he can't really change, as she sees them. Working on issues in a relationship but leaving out the fact that one can have a guilt free fling is akin to putting bandaides on after you've been hit by a car, it does nothing.

[ladydesigner]

 

I know that I DO come off as very cold on here. In “real life” I think less so, but I am a pretty cold / calculated sort of person. Wouldn’t be the first time I heard that. I have heard it from my own mother even – the thing is, I am not offended by it. There is a reason many of my friends are engineers etc (if you are an engineer, or work around many, you will know what I am talking about). I am wired a little different then some of you are.

 

I would probably take a closer look at this component as it speaks volumes.

[RecentChange]

Just reminding you all.... My partner (not husband, no vows, no god, but yes, we have been dedicated to each other) cheated as well. Actually, I would call his more of an "affair" there were professions of emotion, and "I miss yous" and lying about availability and sexting, and photos, and videos and all of that... And I am not saying this as a justification...

 

But I didn't see him as damaged goods after that. I didn't reject sex with him after that. I didn't reject him after... and yes, WE worked on things in the relationship. *I* worked on improving things, my contributions, addressing HIS needs after HE cheated.

 

But unlike some here - no, for me at least, cheating wasn't a deal breaker. From the sounds of it - some of you would be out the door and it would be over if your wife ever touched another dick. I didn't send him packing for getting involved with another woman. **** happens. Life, love and emotions are complicated.

 

Yeah, maybe he "doesn't know me" now, because I F'ed some other dude 3 times. He does know I am a "freak" does know that I have some unconventional views when it comes to sex - but you are all correct in that he doesn't know that I more recently followed some of those desires.

[autumnnight]

Just reminding you all.... My partner (not husband, no vows, no god, but yes, we have been dedicated to each other) cheated as well. Actually, I would call his more of an "affair" there were professions of emotion, and "I miss yous" and lying about availability and sexting, and photos, and videos and all of that... And I am not saying this as a justification...

 

But I didn't see him as damaged goods after that. I didn't reject sex with him after that. I didn't reject him after... and yes, WE worked on things in the relationship. *I* worked on improving things, my contributions, addressing HIS needs after HE cheated.

 

But unlike some here - no, for me at least, cheating wasn't a deal breaker. From the sounds of it - some of you would be out the door and it would be over if your wife ever touched another dick. I didn't send him packing for getting involved with another woman. **** happens. Life, love and emotions are complicated.

 

Yeah, maybe he "doesn't know me" now, because I F'ed some other dude 3 times. He does know I am a "freak" does know that I have some unconventional views when it comes to sex - but you are all correct in that he doesn't know that I more recently followed some of those desires.

 

How do you know he cheated? Did he tell you? If you hadn't known any of that, had worked on your stuff, and then found out later he had cheated, would that have made a difference?

[Hope Shimmers]

You must know all the players - including RC - better than she does.

 

We don't even need the OP because he's got it all figured out.

[Clay]

Just reminding you all.... My partner (not husband, no vows, no god, but yes, we have been dedicated to each other) cheated as well. Actually, I would call his more of an "affair" there were professions of emotion, and "I miss yous" and lying about availability and sexting, and photos, and videos and all of that... And I am not saying this as a justification...

 

Sorry but it really seems that is exactly what you are doing.

 

But I didn't see him as damaged goods after that. I didn't reject sex with him after that. I didn't reject him after... and yes, WE worked on things in the relationship. *I* worked on improving things, my contributions, addressing HIS needs after HE cheated.

 

You had a choice. Some how you discovered his betrayal.You then made your choice based on what you feel. He is not being given the same chance to choose.

 

 

Yeah, maybe he "doesn't know me" now, because I F'ed some other dude 3 times. He does know I am a "freak" does know that I have some unconventional views when it comes to sex - but you are all correct in that he doesn't know that I more recently followed some of those desires.

 

Yes exactly. He will never learn how to truly give you the love you want and desire because your choosing to share it with other people. More to the point your not opening yourself up to him fully so he can experience the real love you might offer.

 

Your doing what you have done the whole time. Your making excuses for your behavior and avoiding any kind of chance you might really have with the man your calling your partner.

 

C

[qubist]

For DKT, Autumnightand Clay: I didn't know that she wold only work on his issues maybe I missed that in this case I agree, but R needs to be from both sides her cheating is her responsibility if she doesn't see any flaw in her she is mistaken, but I thought that she meant by working on her R taht she would do all necessary from her side too, I just thought that confessing might not be part of the "necessary"

RecentChange: Correct me if I was wrong on I what I was thinking.

[SoulStorm]

Just reminding you all.... My partner (not husband, no vows, no god, but yes, we have been dedicated to each other) cheated as well. Actually, I would call his more of an "affair" there were professions of emotion, and "I miss yous" and lying about availability and sexting, and photos, and videos and all of that... And I am not saying this as a justification...

 

But I didn't see him as damaged goods after that. I didn't reject sex with him after that. I didn't reject him after... and yes, WE worked on things in the relationship. *I* worked on improving things, my contributions, addressing HIS needs after HE cheated.

 

But unlike some here - no, for me at least, cheating wasn't a deal breaker. From the sounds of it - some of you would be out the door and it would be over if your wife ever touched another dick. I didn't send him packing for getting involved with another woman. **** happens. Life, love and emotions are complicated.

 

Yeah, maybe he "doesn't know me" now, because I F'ed some other dude 3 times. He does know I am a "freak" does know that I have some unconventional views when it comes to sex - but you are all correct in that he doesn't know that I more recently followed some of those desires.

 

 

Understood, but not really my point.

Did your partner show remorse for his infidelity?

Or was he as callous about it as you appear to be here?

 

The fact that infidelity was/is being done is no longer the real issue here...that's already factual. The issue is how you are going about resolving this and the character you choose to withhold in doing so.

 

Good that you forgave him, but to what degree? So that you could do the same to him later on?

 

Your forgiving nature for his infidelity is now tainted with the stains of revenge whether intended or not.

[RecentChange]

I find it almost amusing that it appears I am straight up angering some posters.

 

How did I find out about his cheating? He wasn't so sneaky, and was much more intertwined. I first found out when she started sending racy texts that were popping up on his phone...

 

No, he didn't "confess", I found lots of evidence and confronted him, which at first he denied... and then continued to deny. And I continued to confront till it all came out - and came to an end.

 

How would I have felt if I was "in the dark" when we put in the "work". Hum, if it had been just a fling, some girl he F'ed while on business on the east coast, I would have preferred not to know. Hell, he has taken some international business trips with a group of guys that I KNOW all cheat on their wives and girl fiends - so I think there is a strong possibility that he partook in some "strange", but honestly, I don't care that much about that if he did.

 

But being as it was also a EA, and she was VERY actively trying to get him to leave me for her... well, I don't think it would have ended if I didn't find out. So I guess I am glad that it did.

 

Thats something I feel differently about - obviously some of you do not have the same views. But I put getting emotionally involved, sharing your thoughts, feelings, dreams - and desires for a future with someone else - and wanting that person to be with YOU and not their partner, in a different category than desiring animalistic sex with someone else.

[RecentChange]

Sure, he showed remorse for hurting me. Its not like he said "yeah I got involved with this girl - deal with it."

 

I don't know that he said that he wished her never did it or anything like that. I was remorse for the consequences.

 

And don't think I don't know that this is "easy" right now - because there haven't been those consequences. I know that. And I know if it does come "crashing down" that I will have to deal with all of that. That it will hurt him, that I will feel ****ty for hurting him. I know.