A "Successful" Affair?

[autumnnight]

I'm not angry. I'm just saying that fundamentally, hiding a big piece of a puzzle is going to yield less than honest results.

 

And honestly, him finding out is a wild card in probably more ways than you can imagine. A stray remark, something you forgot to delete, something blurted out when drunk, a rival outing you...a stranger outing you. There are some weird things in the world.

 

Sometimes people can't handle the guilt after awhile and confess later. Since you do not seem connected to your emotions and have less empathetic tendencies (and that is not a slam, just an observation) that may not be a possibility.

 

But it is wise to think through what he MIGHT feel if it comes out later.

[Sastrugi]

 

How did I find out about his cheating? He wasn't so sneaky, and was much more intertwined. I first found out when she started sending racy texts that were popping up on his phone...

 

No, he didn't "confess", I found lots of evidence and confronted him, which at first he denied... and then continued to deny. And I continued to confront till it all came out - and came to an end.

 

 

But being as it was also a EA, and she was VERY actively trying to get him to leave me for her... well, I don't think it would have ended if I didn't find out. So I guess I am glad that it did.

 

 

RC, how did you feel when you discovered your SO affair? You come across very clinical, and yes, I work with a lot of engineers so I get that. I guess i am asking, did you approach his affair in a clinical manner too? How did you enlighten your SO to see the errors of his ways?

[RecentChange]

RC, how did you feel when you discovered your SO affair? You come across very clinical, and yes, I work with a lot of engineers so I get that. I guess i am asking, did you approach his affair in a clinical manner too? How did you enlighten your SO to see the errors of his ways?

 

Yeah you know, I guess I was a bit "clinical" in my approach.

 

Sure, there were many emotions running, most of them punctuated by adrenaline at first I would say. I was upset, I didn't know what this would me for "us". Being as it wasn't "over" when I found out - yeah I had a lot of unease and felt like I wasn't in control of my own life at that moment, as it hinged on what he was going to do, or not do.

 

And after the immediate "freak out" - thats when things got more "clinical" I guess you could say. I wanted to drill down on WHY it happened (and no, it had nothing to do with her), but where he was coming from, his emotional state, why he made those choices, why WE were in a spot that he would make those choices.

 

And I basically said I don't hate you - I love you, even with the flaws, even after "this".

 

And worked with him to try to help him love himself, and not beat himself up over it so much. It can turn into a vicious circle - he feels bad for making me feel bad, then I feel bad that he feels bad... on and on. So, I said lets work on feeling better, about yourself, myself and together.

[DKT3]

Yeah you know, I guess I was a bit "clinical" in my approach.

 

Sure, there were many emotions running, most of them punctuated by adrenaline at first I would say. I was upset, I didn't know what this would me for "us". Being as it wasn't "over" when I found out - yeah I had a lot of unease and felt like I wasn't in control of my own life at that moment, as it hinged on what he was going to do, or not do.

 

And after the immediate "freak out" - thats when things got more "clinical" I guess you could say. I wanted to drill down on WHY it happened (and no, it had nothing to do with her), but where he was coming from, his emotional state, why he made those choices, why WE were in a spot that he would make those choices.

 

And I basically said I don't hate you - I love you, even with the flaws, even after "this".

 

And worked with him to try to help him love himself, and not beat himself up over it so much. It can turn into a vicious circle - he feels bad for making me feel bad, then I feel bad that he feels bad... on and on. So, I said lets work on feeling better, about yourself, myself and together.

 

I get this, do you think he should be given the same chance to show he can love you through this?

 

You said earlier that we seemed angry and like people who would walk away. Yes my wife cheated, yes I walked away, it wasn't eazy and I made tons of excuses as to why she did it, blamed myself. I just couldn't stay. Oddly it wasn't because of the sex, truth is we had talked about many options in our marriage before that point. We were honestly not hung up of sex with others and openly talked about it as an option.

 

It was the things that came in her hiding it from me, the fact that she was willing to show this guy sides of her that she kept from me. Her f'ing some other guy did cause me to divorce her. I honestly believe that I could/would have agreed to her having a sexual relationship had she given me the chance and said it was something she wanted. She didn't trust me enough so I felt I had no other option. BTW I never really walked away from her. It just took me a long time to cool off.

Edited August 7, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[qubist]

RC: if you don't mind, can you tell us one more time what your plan is for the future?

[SoulStorm]

Sure, he showed remorse for hurting me. Its not like he said "yeah I got involved with this girl - deal with it."

 

I don't know that he said that he wished her never did it or anything like that. I was remorse for the consequences.

 

And don't think I don't know that this is "easy" right now - because there haven't been those consequences. I know that. And I know if it does come "crashing down" that I will have to deal with all of that. That it will hurt him, that I will feel ****ty for hurting him. I know.

Yep...believe it or not those consequences are just one discovery away. Never know if/when it will happen. Amazing that you will only feel crappy for hurting him after you have been found out instead of while you are currently doing it.

 

Compartmentalization anyone?

[RecentChange]

Just curious DKT3 - how long did your lady's affair go on for? Were any of the details similar to the situation I have presented? Sorry, I just feel like their is a fair bit of projecting going on.

 

I am still not compelled to spill the beans at the moment - and as for how I handled his affair, and how I envision reactions to mine... We are emotionally different people. He has always struggled with depression / self worth etc and that affects people's thoughts and reactions.

 

I on the other hand come from a different mental state. Honestly, if this all comes out, I see the roles being much the same as before - I can try to lend my support, and accept how he wants to deal with it.

 

And yes I compartmentalize. No secret there. And maybe its news to some, but not all people have the same emotional profile, and there is a great deal of variance that is still within in a spectrum before clinical abnormality.

 

I never heard him say that he felt guilty about it, or that he felt it was wrong while he was in the affair. He felt terrible for the emotions I experienced. Maybe I didn't ask the right questions.... but honestly I never even thought "but didn't you feel guilty and terrible while getting that BJ?"

 

Guilt is largely tied to social norms and expectations as well. While the emotion may be universal, the triggers of it are not.

[DKT3]

Just curious DKT3 - how long did your lady's affair go on for? Were any of the details similar to the situation I have presented? Sorry, I just feel like their is a fair bit of projecting going on.

 

I am still not compelled to spill the beans at the moment - and as for how I handled his affair, and how I envision reactions to mine... We are emotionally different people. He has always struggled with depression / self worth etc and that affects people's thoughts and reactions.

 

I on the other hand come from a different mental state. Honestly, if this all comes out, I see the roles being much the same as before - I can try to lend my support, and accept how he wants to deal with it.

 

And yes I compartmentalize. No secret there. And maybe its news to some, but not all people have the same emotional profile, and there is a great deal of variance that is still within in a spectrum before clinical abnormality.

 

I never heard him say that he felt guilty about it, or that he felt it was wrong while he was in the affair. He felt terrible for the emotions I experienced. Maybe I didn't ask the right questions.... but honestly I never even thought "but didn't you feel guilty and terrible while getting that BJ?"

 

Guilt is largely tied to social norms and expectations as well. While the emotion may be universal, the triggers of it are not.

 

Her affair was 20 months. The situation are totally different, I honestly I could have handled you thing with ease. Many didn't believe me when I told my story about two years ago but it was never the sex. I was open to exploring others sexually. Not in a swingers way or I want to watch some other guy with my wife. But in a we've been together since we were 17 and I wouldn't mind trying out someone else kinda way.

 

Her affair wasn't sexually charged, but she wasn't in love with him. From what she has told me he was a place holder because I was on the road upwards of 220 days a year.

 

No projection, no triggers.

[Hope Shimmers]

Just curious DKT3 - how long did your lady's affair go on for? Were any of the details similar to the situation I have presented? Sorry, I just feel like their is a fair bit of projecting going on.

 

I am still not compelled to spill the beans at the moment - and as for how I handled his affair, and how I envision reactions to mine... We are emotionally different people. He has always struggled with depression / self worth etc and that affects people's thoughts and reactions.

 

I on the other hand come from a different mental state. Honestly, if this all comes out, I see the roles being much the same as before - I can try to lend my support, and accept how he wants to deal with it.

 

And yes I compartmentalize. No secret there. And maybe its news to some, but not all people have the same emotional profile, and there is a great deal of variance that is still within in a spectrum before clinical abnormality.

 

I never heard him say that he felt guilty about it, or that he felt it was wrong while he was in the affair. He felt terrible for the emotions I experienced. Maybe I didn't ask the right questions.... but honestly I never even thought "but didn't you feel guilty and terrible while getting that BJ?"

 

Guilt is largely tied to social norms and expectations as well. While the emotion may be universal, the triggers of it are not.

 

There is a HUGE amount of projection going on in this thread OP. I'm glad you see that and can keep it in mind as you decide how much credence to give the replies.

 

Your approach is more "clinical" and not as emotional so I think some are reading too much into that rather than hearing what you are actually saying and not saying. You sound to me like you realize your role and you are not trying to shove it all off on your SO for having an affair previously. These things are so complicated - it's never that simple to sort it all out.

[RecentChange]

There is a HUGE amount of projection going on in this thread OP. I'm glad you see that and can keep it in mind as you decide how much credence to give the replies.

 

Oh its as clear as the light of day. And I get it, we ALL come from our unique set of experiences - no two pairs of eyes see this world in the same way.

 

Some have to understand, just like how their own experiences color what they see, it also affects what we perceive.

 

And thats a two way street - my experiences are affecting my perception, and therefore I do take an interest in other's perceptions of the situation in order to gain greater understanding.

 

Just some of it, I take with a grain of salt...

[road]

Just reminding you all.... My partner (not husband, no vows, no god, but yes, we have been dedicated to each other) cheated as well. Actually, I would call his more of an "affair" there were professions of emotion, and "I miss yous" and lying about availability and sexting, and photos, and videos and all of that... And I am not saying this as a justification...

 

But I didn't see him as damaged goods after that. I didn't reject sex with him after that. I didn't reject him after... and yes, WE worked on things in the relationship. *I* worked on improving things, my contributions, addressing HIS needs after HE cheated.

 

But unlike some here - no, for me at least, cheating wasn't a deal breaker. From the sounds of it - some of you would be out the door and it would be over if your wife ever touched another dick. I didn't send him packing for getting involved with another woman. **** happens. Life, love and emotions are complicated.

 

Yeah, maybe he "doesn't know me" now, because I F'ed some other dude 3 times. He does know I am a "freak" does know that I have some unconventional views when it comes to sex - but you are all correct in that he doesn't know that I more recently followed some of those desires.

 

 

Clarify your BH had a EA, he did not have a PA?

[SoulStorm]

Just curious DKT3 - how long did your lady's affair go on for? Were any of the details similar to the situation I have presented? Sorry, I just feel like their is a fair bit of projecting going on.

 

I am still not compelled to spill the beans at the moment - and as for how I handled his affair, and how I envision reactions to mine... We are emotionally different people. He has always struggled with depression / self worth etc and that affects people's thoughts and reactions.

 

I on the other hand come from a different mental state. Honestly, if this all comes out, I see the roles being much the same as before - I can try to lend my support, and accept how he wants to deal with it.

 

And yes I compartmentalize. No secret there. And maybe its news to some, but not all people have the same emotional profile, and there is a great deal of variance that is still within in a spectrum before clinical abnormality.

 

I never heard him say that he felt guilty about it, or that he felt it was wrong while he was in the affair. He felt terrible for the emotions I experienced. Maybe I didn't ask the right questions.... but honestly I never even thought "but didn't you feel guilty and terrible while getting that BJ?"

 

Guilt is largely tied to social norms and expectations as well. While the emotion may be universal, the triggers of it are not.

 

We can get into emotional profiling, compartmentalization, projection or whatever scientific or emotional diatribe of statistics we want. After all this is a forum.

 

The bottom line factor is what you're doing is wrong. You know it's wrong. Projection or none.

 

He may not have felt guilty while in the act, during or after...I'll never know, but you could ask him. One thing is clear though..he did feel remorse

[RecentChange]

He may not have felt guilty while in the act, during or after...I'll never know, but you could ask him. One thing is clear though..he did feel remorse

 

But would he have if it wall went undiscovered? If he had a fling and slept with some girl while on the road and I never found out?

 

I was responding to the disbelief expressed that I didn't feel guilty while in the act, or horrible / guilty / remorseful now.

 

And I am thinking about that, kicking it around. I know I will feel like **** for hurting him if he finds out - thats a given.

 

But I am also not going to deny that I didn't feel bad in the act. That instead I felt like "F' I needed this!" and the idea of living the rest of my life without that kind of experience ever again (if I didn't go through with it) was a jagged pill to swallow.

[ladydesigner]

But would he have if it wall went undiscovered? If he had a fling and slept with some girl while on the road and I never found out?

 

I was responding to the disbelief expressed that I didn't feel guilty while in the act, or horrible / guilty / remorseful now.

 

And I am thinking about that, kicking it around. I know I will feel like **** for hurting him if he finds out - thats a given.

 

But I am also not going to deny that I didn't feel bad in the act. That instead I felt like "F' I needed this!" and the idea of living the rest of my life without that kind of experience ever again (if I didn't go through with it) was a jagged pill to swallow.

 

Well isn't this the WHY of most A's? It's an act of entitlement! I bolded where you felt entitled to do this. Whether or not you feel bad or guilty is entirely on you.

[SoulStorm]

But would he have if it wall went undiscovered? If he had a fling and slept with some girl while on the road and I never found out?

 

I was responding to the disbelief expressed that I didn't feel guilty while in the act, or horrible / guilty / remorseful now.

 

And I am thinking about that, kicking it around. I know I will feel like **** for hurting him if he finds out - thats a given.

 

But I am also not going to deny that I didn't feel bad in the act. That instead I felt like "F' I needed this!" and the idea of living the rest of my life without that kind of experience ever again (if I didn't go through with it) was a jagged pill to swallow.

 

I believe he would have felt guilty. That's just a belief though and not a fact. If he wouldn't have felt guilt...why would he hide it? If you feel no guilt about something you would most likely not try so hard to keep it hidden.

 

If you are so proud and felt like you needed to do what you did..plus guilt free..why hide it? Only based on the fact that you know it would hurt him is not enough. You hide it because it's a guilty pleasure.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Earlier in the thread you spoke of "fate" placing you in the seat next to the FOM. Of having a strong reaction to his "scent".

 

Aren't both of those...emotion driven?

 

3 ONS?

 

^ that is not true in the slightest. It was 3 times with the same known person. It was the FOM specifically. Not 3 random guys at a bar. You yourself stated that if "fate" had not chosen him...you couldn't see yourself doing this with someone else. The fact that the occasions were pre-planned eliminates the randomness of one-night-stands.

 

If you fail to put together the "why" of why you chose this FOM specifically...what emotions inside you was he ringing...the chance of this occurring again are greater. I believe you touched on this a bit...about how it made you feel for a younger, handsome man to be attracted to you. Could there be a correlation of your SO having an affair with someone younger?

 

It is pointless to point out that your SO affair was more dastardly. All affairs hurt the person being betrayed. Pain is personal....we can not show evidence to others to prove that ours is "greater". Our own pain feels more intense as we actually feel it...we observe the pain in others. We can only try to put it in context of pain that we have felt.

 

Is it fair...that your SO has to wear the "I cheated " hat badge and work on what that means to him and you.....in front of you. But your own "I cheated" hat badge only gets worn on the inside? Is this equal footing for the same type of behaviour?

 

Compartmentalizing in of itself is not a "bad" coping skill. Many...if not most first responders/military etc learn this through osmosis while carrying out their duties. It becomes a poor coping skill when we start to use it to override our integrity/moral code/self-respect/hurt others....it is then given the same equivalence as a "get out of jail" free card. We stop recognizing/monitoring our own poor behaviours/choices.

 

Have you thought about IC to assist you? Being a BS does not automatically give you the tools/know how on how to move forward as a WS? There are two different objectives at play in IC. They require different work/analyzing.

[RecentChange]

^^ I do not disagree with this at all.

 

Yes, I felt entitled. I also feel entitled to pursue my own fulfillment in ways that others would disagree with. Its unfortunate that THIS act has the potential for damage.

 

But there are probably reasons why I am not married, do NOT want children etc.

 

And I don't particularly care that some will judge me for that.

[autumnnight]

But would he have if it wall went undiscovered? If he had a fling and slept with some girl while on the road and I never found out?

 

I was responding to the disbelief expressed that I didn't feel guilty while in the act, or horrible / guilty / remorseful now.

 

And I am thinking about that, kicking it around. I know I will feel like **** for hurting him if he finds out - thats a given.

 

But I am also not going to deny that I didn't feel bad in the act. That instead I felt like "F' I needed this!" and the idea of living the rest of my life without that kind of experience ever again (if I didn't go through with it) was a jagged pill to swallow.

 

I actually get this.

 

Validation feels good. Being wanted feels good. Sex feels good.

 

People who want to deny that things like that can feel good, even in the wrong context, are lying to themselves. And the bottom line that people REALLY want to deny is that, in a set of circumstances that tripped THEIR particular weakness wire, THEY might be tempted to do something wrong that felt good to (or actually do it). AND...if it felt good enough and they needed "something" badly enough beforehand....they might not immediately feel guilty either.

 

See, there's this misnomer that goes around that there are 2 kinds of people: the good, superior, better, valuable people who would never stoop so low....and those probably genetically programmed and made wrong cheaters.

 

Do I believe cheating is very very wrong? Yes. Do most people within the normal emotional spectrum eventually feel guilt over doing something wrong? Yes. Does everyone feel it on the same timeline or express it in the same way? No.

 

Cheating on one's committed partner is wrong. Hiding it is wrong. Perpetuating a lie of omission over years is wrong. At some point, if you have typical levels of empathy or conscience or whatever you want to call it, it likely WILL bother you.

 

But yes, sin feels good sometimes. Otherwise it wouldn't be tempting.

 

It's the people who think they are above its grasp who are actually most at risk, IMO

[DKT3]

^^ I do not disagree with this at all.

 

Yes, I felt entitled. I also feel entitled to pursue my own fulfillment in ways that others would disagree with. Its unfortunate that THIS act has the potential for damage.

 

But there are probably reasons why I am not married, do NOT want children etc.

 

And I don't particularly care that some will judge me for that.

 

Only issue for me is your partner is unaware, and believes he is in a different kind of relationship.

[RecentChange]

I believe he would have felt guilty. That's just a belief though and not a fact. If he wouldn't have felt guilt...why would he hide it? If you feel no guilt about something you would most likely not try so hard to keep it hidden.

 

If you are so proud and felt like you needed to do what you did..plus guilt free..why hide it? Only based on the fact that you know it would hurt him is not enough. You hide it because it's a guilty pleasure.

 

Seriously not following this logic.

 

Its hidden because not hiding it would have negative consequences. Does a drug dealer hide their drugs from the cops because they feel guilty about what they are doing - or because they want to avoid the negative consequences that getting caught would bring?

[ladydesigner]

Seriously not following this logic.

 

Its hidden because not hiding it would have negative consequences. Does a drug dealer hide their drugs from the cops because they feel guilty about what they are doing - or because they want to avoid the negative consequences that getting caught would bring?

 

 

I think this is the main reason most A's are hidden, so that there is no consequence of any kind.

 

 

RC do you feel guilt when your partner does something really nice for you? Or is the A completely compartmentalized to where it doesn't make a difference?

[SoulStorm]

Seriously not following this logic.

 

Its hidden because not hiding it would have negative consequences. Does a drug dealer hide their drugs from the cops because they feel guilty about what they are doing - or because they want to avoid the negative consequences that getting caught would bring?

 

If the drug dealer is caught what is he charged with being?

 

guilty or innocent ?

 

The reason it is hidden because the main thing driving it is being guilty of breaking a law. This is getting into semantics, but guilt is the main reason it is hidden. The consequences are the result of doing something unjust. You may not feel the guilt while you are in it, but once you are proven in fact to be guilty...you suffer the consequences of the guilt that was always there.

[kilgore]

I think I can take it - and I do understand the upset feelings - because well, I have been in that same boat once before.

 

As for "revenge" - yes and no. I don't think I did it to get back at him (and I don't want to hurt him - and I know this was foolish).

 

But I KNOW I felt like it gave me a license to do so. Whether that is right or wrong... I do feel that I wouldn't have gone there - if we didn't have the past that we did. I also feel like it emboldened me a bit, as I saw we could work through THAT - we could work though this (and I haven't given all of the details of that - but it involved a lot of rejection etc).

 

At this point I feel "okay" about it - but I am not sure why - as it seems like I shouldn't. Maybe I feelings surrounding it will change in time.

 

As for "really over" - If the other guy hadn't called it off, I don't think it would be. But, I respect his choice, and I think its the right one - and it would be better for everyone if it was totally over. A week of indiscretion to be left in history.

 

Oh - and as for "success" - in my mind, the "success" was (is) a week that shouldn't have happened - but has livened my sex life with my partner, and has made me determined to strengthen / rekindle that relationship - so that the fireworks are at home, and not elsewhere.

 

And organic - in that if "fate" if you will didn't seat us together, I don't think anything would have happened with anyone else. Never imagined I would do this. Didn't think I was looking for it (but maybe subconsciously I was?). I know was totally weak for not resisting at least.

I am usually judgmental about these things but I read your posts and felt real compassion for you

[kilgore]

Just curious DKT3 - how long did your lady's affair go on for? Were any of the details similar to the situation I have presented? Sorry, I just feel like their is a fair bit of projecting going on.

 

I am still not compelled to spill the beans at the moment - and as for how I handled his affair, and how I envision reactions to mine... We are emotionally different people. He has always struggled with depression / self worth etc and that affects people's thoughts and reactions.

 

I on the other hand come from a different mental state. Honestly, if this all comes out, I see the roles being much the same as before - I can try to lend my support, and accept how he wants to deal with it.

 

And yes I compartmentalize. No secret there. And maybe its news to some, but not all people have the same emotional profile, and there is a great deal of variance that is still within in a spectrum before clinical abnormality.

 

I never heard him say that he felt guilty about it, or that he felt it was wrong while he was in the affair. He felt terrible for the emotions I experienced. Maybe I didn't ask the right questions.... but honestly I never even thought "but didn't you feel guilty and terrible while getting that BJ?"

 

Guilt is largely tied to social norms and expectations as well. While the emotion may be universal, the triggers of it are not.

I don't think you should tell him

[RecentChange]

If the drug dealer is caught what is he charged with being?

 

guilty or innocent ?

 

The reason it is hidden because the main thing driving it is being guilty of breaking a law. This is getting into semantics, but guilt is the main reason it is hidden. The consequences are the result of doing something unjust. You may not feel the guilt while you are in it, but once you are proven in fact to be guilty...you suffer the consequences of the guilt that was always there.

 

Okay I will admit I am just being argumentative now.

 

Your example is using an alternative definition of guilt.

 

There is guilt the EMOTION. In my example, let's say the "drug dealer" is growing medical marijuana in a place it is still illegal. It's hidden because there are negative legal consequences if discovered. The MJ grower feels GOOD about growing the MJ. He does not "FEEL GUILTY". That's not why he hides it. He hides it to avoid jail.

 

Now if discovered by the police he will not be charged with "guilty or innocent" but with cultivating marijuana - which the court will ind him "guilty" of - as in yes, he did it. Does the grower FEEL GUILT? Most likely not, as he did not feel what he did was wrong, he did not feel it was unjust, it was just contrary to the norms and laws in his area.

 

I think in order to FEEL guilt, one must internally believe what they are doing is wrong.

 

Case in point - many religions "install" guilt for a number of actions that someone who was not brought up under that faith may practice without a twinge if guilt, because they have not been taught / do not believe it is wrong.

 

And I am sure some will be aghast, but I am still not feeling guilty. To the poster that asked if I do feel it when he "does something nice for me" - no, not yet at least- and maybe I need to open my eyes more, but I any recall anything he has done that was "extra nice" in the last few weeks. Don't know what else to say about that....