Newlywed and I don't feel like a priority

[tme0]

I've been married 2 months.

My husband lost his job and got a new job in February. After the training month was over, it turned into 3rd shift.

I get home from my job at 5:30 and he leaves for work at 9pm. When he gets home from work, I have already left for work. So I sleep alone at night and he sleeps alone during the day. We're both off weekends, so we get that together some.

 

All of this really makes me lonely. A lot of the time I get home and he is still sleeping whether it is because he didn't sleep well, it took him a long time to fall asleep, he is still tired or he played video games when he got home so he is still tired. A lot of times I will cook and tidy up the house, wake him up and he'll eat, shower and go to work. And we get maybe one hour together. A lot of that hour is him kind of in a zombie-like state because he's not fully awake.

 

Anyways fast forward to this week. Tuesday he was sick and slept for about 20 hours and called in sick. We didn't get any time together Tuesday. Wednesday he was ok, went into work. Thursday instead of coming home and sleeping like normal, he spent the whole day at his friend's store and got home a few minutes before me. He slept until 10 minutes before he had to leave for work. So got no time together yesterday.

 

He always hangs out at his friend's store Fridays when he gets off work in the morning. He stays all day and comes home around when I do. He does that so he stays awake that time and can sleep at night and have a normal weekend schedule. Well he said he went yesterday so he could come home today and catch up on sleep so he can spend the time with me.

 

Well, he did go and spend the entire day at his friend's store today. Again, got home a few minutes before me and is currently passed out cold. He is going out of town the whole weekend for work, so I am not getting any time with him today nor will I see him again until Sunday night.

 

Now last night when he was getting ready for work, in the ten minutes he had, he could tell I was upset. I told him I don't feel like a priority and I really don't even feel like he loves me. He couldn't wrap his mind around how I could possibly feel that.

 

I'm just upset. And lonely. I've been married 2 months I shouldn't feel any of this right now. A lot of my friends are getting married and I see what they post about how their husband do this or their husband took them here or he got her this, etc. and I don't get any of that.

 

He said how can I not know he loves me when he tells me multiple times a day. Yes, he does, but I want to SEE/FEEL it. If he never told me he loves me again, I would still want to be able to tell he does. Right now if he never told me I'd really doubt it. I tell him that and he says, "Well I don't know what more I can do other than buy you roses all the time or something"

 

Yeah...

[GoldieLox]

I did shift work for a while. It was one of the most trying times of my life until I adjusted to it, and even then, it wasn't ideal. There were a lot of missed family and friend events. My husband worked a normal schedule. We just tried to savor every moment together and have a "date night" once a week.

 

It takes months, if not a year or more, to adjust to it. Your husband's body is probably saying "what the %*^# are you doing to me bro?!". The reason you probably feel like this is because you don't spend a lot of time together. I felt the same way. He's probably feeling the same way, too. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, believe me. It's just one of the worst things to physically and emotionally have to deal with.

 

I wish I had more words of wisdom for you, unfortunately I don't. Try and take your vacation time at the same time. Hang in there. I know it's tough. If I could get my husband to actually post here, he'd no doubt tell you how trying it is from the other side as well. You're not going crazy or anything.

[tme0]

I did shift work for a while. It was one of the most trying times of my life until I adjusted to it, and even then, it wasn't ideal. There were a lot of missed family and friend events. My husband worked a normal schedule. We just tried to savor every moment together and have a "date night" once a week.

 

It takes months, if not a year or more, to adjust to it. Your husband's body is probably saying "what the %*^# are you doing to me bro?!". The reason you probably feel like this is because you don't spend a lot of time together. I felt the same way. He's probably feeling the same way, too. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, believe me. It's just one of the worst things to physically and emotionally have to deal with.

 

I wish I had more words of wisdom for you, unfortunately I don't. Try and take your vacation time at the same time. Hang in there. I know it's tough. If I could get my husband to actually post here, he'd no doubt tell you how trying it is from the other side as well. You're not going crazy or anything.

 

He makes time for his friends and doing the things he wants (going to the store yesterday and today, and playing his video games) which takes away time from us. He doesn't seem to care if doing those things interferes with our time. Like right now, I tried to wake him up so we can get him ready to go tomorrow (early) in the morning. He got mad and said he'll do it later tonight. Yeah, probably 1 am when he wakes up in which case I'll be asleep. Then the lights will come on and he'll start making noise and I'll be wide awake until morning.

 

One example...he had an interview last week for a new job. It is an out of state for weeks at a time job (he did not know that when he applied) he asked me my thoughts on it and I told him I didn't think it was worth it. He asked why. I told him we barely get any time together now, we'll get even less if he was gone weeks at a time... He said, and I quote "I don't see the problem with it"

 

......

 

Oh, and I have vacation/sick days but he is a contractor, so he has no sick/vacation days... so taking a vacation that's more than 1 day long is not really possible. If he misses a day he misses that day's pay.

Edited July 18, 2015 by tme0

[Mr. Lucky]

I've been married 2 months.

My husband lost his job and got a new job in February. After the training month was over, it turned into 3rd shift.

I get home from my job at 5:30 and he leaves for work at 9pm. When he gets home from work, I have already left for work. So I sleep alone at night and he sleeps alone during the day. We're both off weekends, so we get that together some.

 

The simple truth is there are other jobs out there.

 

Shift work was convenient for my wife and I when kids were young as she could be with them during the day and me at night. But as soon as our youngest started school, she changed jobs/careers to get on a more conventional schedule so we could have a life together. Opposing shifts means opposite directions.

 

Do you have access to counseling? Sounds like you both need a chance to be heard...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Poppygoodwill]

I agree. It's a job, and it's not always easy to get jobs that pay the right amount, but this is your lives and the longer this goes on, the unhappier you'll be. And him too, no doubt. I'd say it's time to make a plan together and begin the job hunt so that you know the time frame you'll ahve to do this for. I imagine that's one of hte hardest things: right now there's no end date for this so it seems it will go on adinfinitum. That can be really difficult. Sit him down and make a plan for the next year or two.

[Lois_Griffin]

I've always been a firm believer that people act the way they want to act, and they feel what they feel - and no one can really change that.

 

In other words, he's fine spending very little time with you; it's just not a priority for him like it is for you. You can't really change how he feels.

 

As is usually the case with marrieds, it sounds like you're the only one who does anything around the house - when he's not working he sleeps, plays video games, sits around scratching his ass, and plays at his friend's store all day. Maybe if he actually did his share around the house (and not just taking out the garbage occasionally) and you weren't stuck doing it all, he might realize this isn't just some hotel he can come and go from as he pleases, with zero responsibility. Honestly, it just sounds like he treats your place as a hotel and you, the maid. I'd be setting his ass straight real fast.

[tme0]

 

As is usually the case with marrieds, it sounds like you're the only one who does anything around the house - when he's not working he sleeps, plays video games, sits around scratching his ass, and plays at his friend's store all day. Maybe if he actually did his share around the house (and not just taking out the garbage occasionally) and you weren't stuck doing it all, he might realize this isn't just some hotel he can come and go from as he pleases, with zero responsibility. Honestly, it just sounds like he treats your place as a hotel and you, the maid. I'd be setting his ass straight real fast.

 

How would you do that?

 

Yeah...I do 98% of the cooking, housework (and taking out the garbage)... We have had discussions about this and how we need to work out a chore schedule because he works a 40 hour week, but so do I and it's not fair for me to do everything.

 

I agree. It's a job, and it's not always easy to get jobs that pay the right amount, but this is your lives and the longer this goes on, the unhappier you'll be. And him too, no doubt. I'd say it's time to make a plan together and begin the job hunt so that you know the time frame you'll have to do this for. I imagine that's one of the hardest things: right now there's no end date for this so it seems it will go on adinfinitum. That can be really difficult. Sit him down and make a plan for the next year or two.

 

Yes, I believe this is mainly about the job too. I am glad he has one and is helping support us, but it is really taking a toll, at least on me.

He does search for jobs (not as much as he could be...) I am job hunting as well, and if I find one in his field, I email it to him and he does look into it. Hopefully he finds another day job sooner rather than later.

[GoldieLox]

If he's not putting any effort at all into the relationship then it's definitely time to sit down and have a talk with him. Shift work can work with couples but both have to be willing to do some work.

[elaine567]

I am really struggling to see what you actually get out of this relationship atm.

Seems he has it made, a housekeeper with benefits and you contribute too.

[Arieswoman]

tme0,

Oh my, oh my !

This post could've been written my me years ago.

 

My first husband was a shift worker ( 3-11.pm, 11.pm - 7.am, 7.am- 3.pm - a week of each at a time) and he used it as an excuse to get out of any domestic chores. I was working f/t 8 - 4.30pm. He didn't work w/e but spent every Saturday in bed until noon "catching up on his sleep".

 

On the 7 - 3 shift he played sport 3 nights a week. I was often lonely and felt unappreciated.

 

Please don't make the mistake I made.

 

I let it slide until I was exhausted, depressed, and frustrated.

 

Address this imbalance in the relationship now. Make sure he knows how you feel and what you want him to do to help you out about the place. He should know that you don't exist just to pick up his lazy slack.

 

He also needs to start looking for another job with better hours.

[Lois_Griffin]

Yeah...I do 98% of the cooking, housework (and taking out the garbage)... We have had discussions about this and how we need to work out a chore schedule because he works a 40 hour week, but so do I and it's not fair for me to do everything.

Yup. I figured that. These guys LOVE to throw around the 'equality' argument when they want women to pay for dates or ask them out but then they suddenly forget ALL about that equality argument when it benefits them. Not surprised at all.

 

I completely agree with Elaine567 when she says, "Seems he has it made, a housekeeper with benefits and you contribute too."

 

I think you need to have a come to Jesus talk with him. Like I said before, he treats your home like a damned hotel he can come and go from with absolutely ZERO thought or care about anything or anyone but himself.

[SolG]

Hi OP I'm not going to address the lack of equity in the household chores department because I've never had that problem. However, I can speak to the shiftwork component.

 

When I was first married my then H was a shiftworker; his hours were cycling and included weekend work. It turned out that on average we ended up with one weekend per month together as well as odd hours here and there dependant upon shifts.

 

And you wouldn't believe it (or actually, you would!) on that one weekend per month he would play golf with his father and best friend :/ It was a real bone of contention for us for a while. Eventually though--after many, many arguments--we talked it out and came to a compromise. Playing golf on a Saturday was really important to him as it is of course THE major comp day of the week. So we agreed that I should do something I really enjoyed at that time and the rest of the weekend would be 'ours'.

 

Whilst he played (our agreement was an early tee off so he'd be finished by lunch), I had a standing appt at the spa for hair, nails, waxing and a massage. We'd then meet for lunch at the clubhouse. It was actually a great way to start our weekends together as it put us both in a really good mood

 

We also used to do things like drop in to visit the other at work whilst we were free; usually with a meal to share.

 

Just after our first anniversary he got a promotion into a day job. So we didn't have to do this for long. Thank goodness!

 

Another thing... It doesn't sound like he understands the importance of quality time for you. Maybe you'd do well to read The 5 Love Languages together.

 

Just some thoughts. Good luck!

[tme0]

Hi OP I'm not going to address the lack of equity in the household chores department because I've never had that problem. However, I can speak to the shiftwork component.

 

When I was first married my then H was a shiftworker; his hours were cycling and included weekend work. It turned out that on average we ended up with one weekend per month together as well as odd hours here and there dependent upon shifts.

 

And you wouldn't believe it (or actually, you would!) on that one weekend per month he would play golf with his father and best friend :/ It was a real bone of contention for us for a while. Eventually though--after many, many arguments--we talked it out and came to a compromise. Playing golf on a Saturday was really important to him as it is of course THE major comp day of the week. So we agreed that I should do something I really enjoyed at that time and the rest of the weekend would be 'ours'.

 

Whilst he played (our agreement was an early tee off so he'd be finished by lunch), I had a standing appt at the spa for hair, nails, waxing and a massage. We'd then meet for lunch at the clubhouse. It was actually a great way to start our weekends together as it put us both in a really good mood

 

We also used to do things like drop in to visit the other at work whilst we were free; usually with a meal to share.

 

Just after our first anniversary he got a promotion into a day job. So we didn't have to do this for long. Thank goodness!

 

Another thing... It doesn't sound like he understands the importance of quality time for you. Maybe you'd do well to read The 5 Love Languages together.

 

Just some thoughts. Good luck!

 

We're sleeping while each other is at work, and he works 1 hour away, so we can't really meet each other for work. However, my job is on his way home, it'd be nice if he stopped by at my job for 5 minutes on his way home, or we ate together Fridays. I suggested lunch this past Friday, but he said no because he was coming home to sleep (and then didn't..)

 

I have read the Five Love Languages. It is on my bookshelf. That book really opened my eyes on some things. Mine is Quality Time (as is probably apparent from this post). I've asked him to read it and he said he will if I read Atlas Shrugged.5 Love Languages is about 50 pages of large font and Atlas Shrugged is almost 1000 pages of tiny font and will not help our marriage.. He's not a big reader, but I'll bring it up again, maybe we can read it together.

 

I try to do stuff while is gone. I enjoy crafts so I will either do that or watch a little bit of tv after he leaves for work, then I go to bed early. When he is gone for the weekend for work (he goes for the weekend once a month) I go out and see my family, his family or my friends, I'm busy all weekend doing my own thing. It does help.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I have a lot of friends who work shift-like hours (bartending) and I know it is incredibly trying on relationships, especially when their partners have "normal" hours. Ive not seen that work out on anynkind of permanent basis for anyone - all the relationships ive observed either ended, or one of the partners found a job to match the others' schedule. So, i will preface by saying that i think thats your only long-term solution here- one of you finding another job.

 

Based on your post, i dont think your husband realizes how depressed you have gotten about this issue. It sounds like you have brought it ip in passing/ alluded to it, but its not really sinking in. I think you need to make him make some time for a serious conversation, explain where yoire coming from, and come up with a long-term plan together for getring on the same schedule. I would not try to compromise by trying to find more time together with things as they are currently. Thats fine for the short term while hes looking for another job, but i think its only a temporary fix.

 

As far as him making time to go out with friends- i understand your resentment, but I woikd not focus on that ad the primar issue here. He needs a social life and t be able to unwind. It sucks that that seems like its at a cost to your little time together, but thats a natural consequence of the scheduling issue. Your husband probably feels like hes worki g hard and deserves the down-time. If you mske it out like you dont support it, i think it will only add to the resentment.

 

Regarding chores, he really needs to pitch in, thats not negotiable. Maybe things are falling by the wayside because hes still adjusting to his schedule? Did he contribute before you got married? As someone who hates cleaning, id suggest you spring for a maid, but you both really need to share that burden.

[anna121]

 

I have read the Five Love Languages. It is on my bookshelf. That book really opened my eyes on some things. Mine is Quality Time (as is probably apparent from this post). I've asked him to read it and he said he will if I read Atlas Shrugged.

 

Um. For anyone over the age of 15, demanding that someone read Ayn Rand is a HUGE red flag.

 

Especially in the context of relationship-building.

 

Just saying.

[tme0]

Regarding chores, he really needs to pitch in, that's not negotiable. Maybe things are falling by the wayside because he's still adjusting to his schedule? Did he contribute before you got married? As someone who hates cleaning, i'd suggest you spring for a maid, but you both really need to share that burden.

 

Yeah, I've brought the chores thing up before, said we need to have a discussion about how to divide them. I am fine with him picking whatever ones he wants to do and I will do the others, I am not a big fan of cleaning either... but I will do it because I like a clean house.

 

I told him that before we even got engaged, that a messy house is not an option for me. ever.

 

He grew up in a very messy house. There is a path you have to walk through in his parents' house. You can't eat at the dining table, you can't even open the guest room door because it's just stuffed with things. We were over a couple weeks ago and it's just getting worse. We were there for maybe 30 minutes and the entire time I couldn't wait to leave. I love his parents but just being in that environment was giving me anxiety.

He grew up like that and then when he moved out, he wasn't much of a cleaner. I remember not too long after we started dating I went to use his bathroom and the toilet was black inside. Completely black. I didn't know it was possible to get like that. Even as messy as he was, it was nowhere near the way his parent's house is.

 

In regards to what you asked me, if he ever contributed before we got married. Not really...but I think unfortunately, I am partially to blame for that. For the majority of our relationship, he worked at a job as an installer. He'd work 8 am until whenever the job load got done. Sometimes that was 7 pm sometimes it was literally midnight. I'd go over on most weekends and spend the night. Then when he left for work Monday morning, I'd stay in bed until I was ready to get up, then I'd leave. (I had an afternoon job, so that worked out fine)

 

A lot of times, I'd put his dishes in the dishwasher, do a load of laundry, tidy up the apartment, etc. I did that because I knew he was often working more than 12 hour days and didn't have the time or energy to do it himself. I thought I was being a good, thoughtful girlfriend. I see now how doing all of that might have not been the best idea.

 

He is getting better. Right now when he's got an empty cup on the table, when he gets up, he'll take it to the sink. He'd used to just leave them wherever they happened to be. Same with clothes. About 70% of the time, now they end up in the hamper instead of in a pile on the floor. I guess that is progress, so it's good...just to me it's hard because it's just common sense to put your clothes in the hamper ad dishes in the sink. I don't feel like I should have to remind him, but anyways.

 

If I ask him to clean something he always says yes, so that is good. Especially if we are expecting guests. We put on music sometimes and we both clean. But I don't only want a house that is clean for guests, I love sitting on my couch and seeing my house clean. Or walking into my bathroom and everything is sparkling.

 

I grew up in a house where I guess you could say my mom was a "neat freak." My dad wasn't big on cleaning and didn't do too much to help with cleaning normally. He would occasionally. But their house was always orderly (except dad's office because that was his space).

But we are going to have a good, long talk about the chores. I can't keep doing everything myself. It's to the point where I'm exhausted 24/7 no matter how much sleep I get. And I'm only 23, I should be pretty well energized at most times.

Edited July 20, 2015 by tme0

[elaine567]

Seems the disconnect continues.

You want him to read a book about how to improve your relationship, and in response, he wants you to read a work of fiction?