Broke up but still thinking...

[thespacey1]

Hello Love shack. Plz feel free to write as much as you feel in response based on your experience and advice.I need some advice asap...

 

I left my fiance a few months ago because I felt like I started seeing a part of him (his temper) that I didn't think I could deal with. Before our relationship got too serious his sister told me he had a temper.

 

√Once time progressed I saw his temper as he became jealous and/or angry with me and others about things I didn't feel warranted that magnitude of anger... After that I observed his responses to other people as well. His father even mentioned (during one of their disagreements) that he didn't know why his son gets so mad. I found myself as an unofficial mediator that day for them but my fiance got offended by me trying to keep the peace(trying to tell him how to respond to his father...?) The next day he told me he contacted his dad to pretty much apologize(which he did lots of early in the relationship).

 

√He apologized a lot to me at first,then he just started blowing up or walking away and shutting down,saying thats how he deals with things.

 

After all that:

 

√I still think about him and cannot seem to get over a certain sadness. I miss him.

 

√ Yes I have more peace, but why am i still missing him?

 

√We've contacted each other only a few times since the breakup. Recently he called me after 10:00 pm to chat since I was going away to work out of town. I missed his call so i called him back about an hour& 1/2 later. He called again to wish me happy birthday Early in the a.m. I picked up and the convo was nice. He's pulled back tho now. Deliberately I feel...or moved on... Whatever the case,I don't know how to deal with my feelings.I want to contact him but I don't know if I should. I'm in paint from missing him and not having the guts to tell him. I've gone out with one other guys since then and even worked a lot,still he stays on my mind.

 

What to do love shack...??? Please send some good advice my way.

[casey.lives]

it's too late to think about it. drop it and live your life. stop looking back. it's not good for you. focus on your wondrful unconditionally loving wife and beautiful heaven sent children

[Gus Grimly]

I'm in paint from missing him and not having the guts to tell him.

How emotionally abusive was your Ex? Was that the only reason you ended your engagement with him, or is there more to it?

 

focus on your wondrful unconditionally loving wife and beautiful heaven sent children

 

Hmm, that's an odd response to the OP's message.

[goldway90]

When it comes to emotional abuse it's hard to get over it and heal too. If he was emotionally abusive i'd recommend reading about trauma bonding it'll give you some answers.

[thespacey1]

it's too late to think about it. drop it and live your life. stop looking back. it's not good for you. focus on your wondrful unconditionally loving wife and beautiful heaven sent children

 

Hu....? I think you posted this in the wrong thread.

[thespacey1]

How emotionally abusive was your Ex? Was that the only reason you ended your engagement with him, or is there more to it?

 

 

 

Hmm, that's an odd response to the OP's message.

 

Lol,my very thought... I think thats a mistake. Its has nothing to do with me...

[thespacey1]

When it comes to emotional abuse it's hard to get over it and heal too. If he was emotionally abusive i'd recommend reading about trauma bonding it'll give you some answers.

 

Thank you. I'll google trauma bonding. Not familiar w/ the term...

[thespacey1]

Thanks @ Gus:

 

Good question... He was very protective of me and giving to me in different ways(not necessarily bad). Thouth, I think his momentum of attention and "things" got my attention early on. Thing is, I'm not very materialistic and "things" are nice to have, but I can certainly do without expensive gifts& outings in excess...

 

√His temper was a major factor in my decision to leave, but not the only factor. There were definitely other issues. He has a criminal bkgrnd & history of violence, but meeting him initially you wouldn't know it unless you study behavior or something. It was only when his family would make little comments about his temper, that I started to be aware of his tendencies. 2 of his relatives mentioned casually how angry he gets. At that time I hadn't seen it. Shortly after we spent more time together I definitely saw what they were talking about. In my opinion he's angry for no reason to throw me off balance. A few of my family&friends say that hes insecure and immature even though hes a few yrs older than me. He was incarcerated for his several,thus taking him away from the typical socialization of men his age. So he reacted inappropriately in several situations. his temper tantrums started when he went with me to a function where he met a few of my guy friends. No females, just guys. Later that night he started an argument, our first. He made the argument about something really senseless, but in retrospect I realized he was upset about meeting these guys/ younger guys/that he knew were close friends of mine.

 

√He woke me up at 6:00a.m. a few times to ask me about the type of relationship I had with one of the guys I know.

 

√He would start senseless arguments during one situation ,but he'd really be upset about something totally different. I've had to beg him to tell me what he was sulking about to find out it was about me sharing info about a guy I dated once.

 

There are a few other issues but I don't wanna get to specific or long winded... If you ask me specific questions I'll share.

[ravfour4]

Thank you. I'll google trauma bonding. Not familiar w/ the term...

 

I just googled it myself, very interesting and often related to codependency which can rear it's ugly head after a relationship with a narccist or BPDer. Thanks for mentioning this, it's helpful in understanding my own situation.

[thespacey1]

I just googled it myself, very interesting and often related to codependency which can rear it's ugly head after a relationship with a narccist or BPDer. Thanks for mentioning this, it's helpful in understanding my own situation.

 

Yes, its truly helpful. I googled it as well. It speaks about after 6 months, one finds it relatively easier to shake/release some of the heavy emotional bond to the abuser.

 

I feel like I need a serious distraction/relationship but that wouldn't be fair to the next guy. Its just that I'm not sure that it was completely deliberate from my ex-fiance, do you think? Why? He just recently reached out to me for direct communication ...and to another close relative to communicate with them... He so giving and kind in some ways. And we enjoyed each other so much but as soon as he felt betrayed and jealous, he flipped the script. Almost as if he were Bipolar... Seriously. He got REALLY upset when I brought that up to him, I.e. him needing to get help/emotional.

[luvflower]

Hey OP. this topic sounds VERY similar to something I'm dealing with. Is pretty hard to let go for the name and female I think. The abuser, to me sounds like they need the most help to spend so much energy trying to keep a"hold " on their mate.

 

I've said I'd leave my situation several times but my guy asked me to come back and apologizes repeatedly, then starts the cycle of gifts... Nice gestures... Good sex... Then mean behavior all over again. It's really depressing and people underestimate the aftermath of these relationships.

 

I'm wishing you well OP.

Edited July 19, 2015 by luvflower

[thespacey1]

Thanks. Yep, the cycle of abusive relationships is vicious to say the least. I can barely imagine how miserable it is when you cannot manage to leave the relationship.

 

What I do know is that you have to be prepared to be in pain when you first leave and know that it's normal to hurt a bit when the separation is fresh... Even months down the line you may still hurt like I am right now. The problem really starts when you stand up for yourself, which I did. I couldn't just sit back and not speak up for myself.I could not pretend that I was stupid. I loved him but I (should) love myself more, is what I had to remind myself.

 

I'm missing the good parts of the relationship. The laughter, the good meals we both enjoyed, the outdoor activities we both enjoyed together, time with both or families and friends. You join lives when in a relationship with someone on this level, which is why in life it would be great if we could control the pace of things better. Who knew things would turn out like this. Had I known I wouldn't have allowed our families to even be involved with us because it hurts too much and creates so many freaking memories that just don't go away. They just linger like a virus...

 

More feedback is welcome love shack.

[Downtown]

Spacey, I agree with Rav4 that your exFiance might have strong traits of a personality disorder like BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, paranoia, temper tantrums, verbal abuse, controlling behavior, feeling of entitlement, lack of empathy, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exFiance has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit strong traits of it.

 

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exFiance exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits them at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as strong verbal abuse, very controlling behavior, and irrational jealousy.

 

He so giving and kind in some ways.... but as soon as he felt betrayed and jealous, he flipped the script. Almost as if he were Bipolar.

Perhaps you are seeing warning signs for bipolar. That is not what you seem to be describing, however. The rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) are a hallmark of having strong BPD traits. Because a BPDer carries enormous hurt and rage from early childhood, you don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to say or do some minor thing that TRIGGERS a release of the anger that's always there. This is why a BPDer can flip from adoration to hatred in just ten seconds.

 

With respect to bipolar, the mood swings tend to be far slower -- usually taking a week or two to develop -- because they arise from gradual changes in body chemistry, which typically takes far more time. Granted, it is possible for a bipolar sufferer to be an ultra-rapid cycler, but that behavior is quite rare. If you're interested in reading about more differences, please see my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences.

 

Its just that I'm not sure that it was completely deliberate from my ex-fiance, do you think? Why?

As I noted above, I cannot know whether his BPD traits are strong because I've never met the guy. Yet, if you decide they are strong, I can tell you that BPDers (i.e., folks having strong traits) usually sincerely believe the outrageous allegations coming out of their mouths. And then -- a week later when they are saying the exact opposite -- they likely are convinced THAT is true too.

 

BPDers are so immature that they are unable to manage their emotions. The result is that they experience such intense feelings that their judgment flies out the window. This is why BPD is said to be a "thought distortion," which refers to the way intense feelings distort the BPDer's perception of your intentions and motivations.

 

His temper tantrums started when he went with me to a function where he met a few of my guy friends.

Do his temper tantrums erupt around total strangers, even when you are not involved? For example, does he frequently exhibit rages in a work environment or road rage when driving? I ask because such behavior would be a red flag for IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder), which is NOT a personality disorder. People suffering from IED typically are very apologetic and quick to admit fault after they have time to cool down (as you say your exFiance did in the early stages of your relationship).

 

In contrast, a BPDer is so filled with self loathing and insecurity that he is loath to ever admit a mistake or flaw. The last thing a BPDer wants to find is one more mistake to add to the long list of things he hates about himself.

 

A few of my family&friends say that hes insecure and immature even though hes a few yrs older than me.

If he actually has strong BPD traits, the type of emotional "immaturity" you would be seeing is not that of a 15- or 18-year-old. Rather, it would be that of a 4-year-old. Due to a childhood trauma and/or heredity, a BPDer's emotional development typically is frozen at that young level. He therefore is fully reliant on the primitive ego defenses we all must rely on as very young children. These include, e.g., projection, temper tantrums, denial, black-white thinking, and magical thinking.

 

He has a criminal bkgrnd & history of violence.

The repeated breaking of laws is a warning sign for Antisocial Personality Disorder (i.e., "APD" or "sociopathy") -- not for BPD. Yet, if he exhibits strong APD traits, he is incapable of actually loving anyone. I mention this because you seem to believe he really did love you (e.g., "He so giving and kind"). I note that BPDers, like young children, are capable of loving very intensely, albeit in an immature manner. I also note that having strong traits of one PD does not rule out having strong traits of another one too. On the contrary, most people having BPD also have one or two other PDs.

 

why am i still missing him?

If he has strong BPD traits, walking away typically is very painful. One reason is that you will mistakenly believe that, if you only were to figure out what YOU were doing wrong, you could somehow fix him and restore him to that wonderful man you saw at the beginning. A second reason is that the repeated swings between adoration and devaluation can become as addictive as the swings between ecstatic highs and painful withdrawals so characteristic of heroine and cocaine.

 

A third reason is that BPDers exhibit a passion, vulnerability, and purity of emotional expression that is extremely childlike. Hence, leaving a BPDer can feel as painful as leaving behind a young child. But, of course, this means you're not walking away from a wife/husband relationship but, rather, from a parent/child relationship. If this is the case, he would make a very poor choice for a husband.

 

I want to contact him but I don't know if I should.

I agree with all the other respondents that you should not contact your exFiance. Yet, if you ever feel strongly tempted to take him back, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with.

 

I also suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Rav4 and other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exFiance's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful experience -- i.e., avoid taking him back and avoid running into the arms of another man just like the one you left (if he has strong BPD traits). Take care, Spacey.

Edited July 19, 2015 by Downtown

[thespacey1]

...BPDers are so immature that they are unable to manage their emotions. The result is that they experience such intense feelings that their judgment flies out the window. This is why BPD is said to be a "thought distortion," which refers to the way intense feelings distort the BPDer's perception of your intentions and motivations...

 

Thanks so much for your feedback downtown. I haven't even finished reading all your post yet, but wanted to respond to this part first because it sounds so familiar w/ regard to him and he's even used some of the language, especially the word "intense" and I've used "immature" to refer to him. When we started dating, I asked him did he think we were moving to fast his response was, " no not really. Things will most likely be the same as we spend more time together, they'll just probably get more INTENSE." And he was right.things got more intense ,but in a bad way. "HE" got more intense. He reactions got more intense, his anger and his emotions... I'm no personality expert but my job requires me to work with adolescents . I must say he mirrors more adolescent behavior responses,than adult behavior. I even told him once that he was acting like a little boy because he kept interrupting me each time I was responding to him because he didn't want me to finish my sentence about a serious topic of conversation we were having that put his character on front street. He flew off the handle and slammed the bedroom door (literally) in my face all because I told him he was acting like a little boy. He first started yelling at me saying ,"little boy? Whatever. Thats how you need to talk to those other guys who contact you. Man, forget this sh*t!"(as he slammed the door in my face).

 

He tended to me this explosive regularly if he was upset with me... The 2nd time he was even upset w/me it was because I had to take one of the adolescent (male) that I worked with,to his parents' house. My ex-fiance called when the student was in the car. I missed his call at first. So he called me back after i texted him. He sounded bothered. Later that evening at dinner my fiance was agitated the entire time and discussing me taking my student home . After dinner he screamed at me on the way home saying that he didn't want me alone with any guys, and that I WANTED that guy to me in my truck and I shouldn't have driven him home. He kept yelling saying "you're MY woman! I don't want you alone with no guys! If I didn't care about you I wouldn't be saying all this..."

 

I'll read the rest of your post now. Just had to get that out...

Edited July 19, 2015 by thespacey1

[thespacey1]

...Do his temper tantrums erupt around total strangers, even when you are not involved? For example, does he frequently exhibit rages in a work environment or road rage when driving? I ask because such behavior would be a red flag for IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder), which is NOT a personality disorder. People suffering from IED typically are very apologetic and quick to admit fault after they have time to cool down (as you say your exFiance did in the early stages of your relationship).

 

In contrast, a BPDer is so filled with self loathing and insecurity that he is loath to ever admit a mistake or flaw. The last thing a BPDer wants to find is one more mistake to add to the long list of things he hates about himself.

 

If he actually has strong BPD traits, the type of emotional "immaturity" you would be seeing is not that of a 15- or 18-year-old. Rather, it would be that of a 4-year-old. Due to a childhood trauma and/or heredity, a BPDer's emotional development typically is frozen at that young level. He therefore is fully reliant on the primitive ego defenses we all must rely on as very young children. These include, e.g., projection, temper tantrums, denial, black-white thinking, and magical thinking.

 

The repeated breaking of laws is a warning sign for Antisocial Personality Disorder (i.e., "APD" or "sociopathy") -- not for BPD. Yet, if he exhibits strong APD traits, he is incapable of actually loving anyone. I mention this because you seem to believe he really did love you (e.g., "He so giving and kind"). I note that BPDers, like young children, are capable of loving very intensely, albeit in an immature manner. I also note that having strong traits of one PD does not rule out having strong traits of another one too. On the contrary, most people having BPD also have one or two other PDs.

 

If he has strong BPD traits, walking away typically is very painful. One reason is that you will mistakenly believe that, if you only were to figure out what YOU were doing wrong, you could somehow fix him and restore him to that wonderful man you saw at the beginning. A second reason is that the repeated swings between adoration and devaluation can become as addictive as the swings between ecstatic highs and painful withdrawals so characteristic of heroine and cocaine.

 

A third reason is that BPDers exhibit a passion, vulnerability, and purity of emotional expression that is extremely childlike. Hence, leaving a BPDer can feel as painful as leaving behind a young child. But, of course, this means you're not walking away from a wife/husband relationship but, rather, from a parent/child relationship. If this is the case, he would make a very poor choice for a husband.

 

I agree with all the other respondents that you should not contact your exFiance. Yet, if you ever feel strongly tempted to take him back, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with.

 

I also suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Rav4 and other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exFiance's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful experience -- i.e., avoid taking him back and avoid running into the arms of another man just like the one you left (if he has strong BPD traits). Take care, Spacey.

 

So, his anger and explosive actions do happen when I'm not around. Around total strangers perhaps a few times that I've witnesses. When I left him he went on a tirade saying people at his job don't like him because ...(something about him not allowing people to mistreat him or something"). His family members mentioned to me how angry he gets. They mentioned it to me before I'd seen it for myself. So i was like "whoa..." when one family member mentioned it to me. When I saw it for myself, in was REALLY like "wooow, is this a dream/nightmare or what? I cannot believe this guy..." (Thinking to myself) when he was yelling at me in the car I really felt afraid for a minute because he was yelling to top of his lungs almost as if the next move would be putting his hands on me. But I realized he's too smart for that. Physical abuse would leave definite evidence of abuse and he's too "crafty" for that.

 

His explosiveness has happened during work, with family, with me and I'm sure with his criminal past. When he first met me once of the first things he said he noticed about me was that I seemed so "peaceful"... I am. Thats my nature, but lots of that peace was disrupted while with him and I hated that... This was the main reason I told him I had to leave him. I needed to take care of myself and have peace in my life,

 

I do have MUCH more peace now and I'm so thankful for that. However, I have missed him.

 

We have both made contact w/ each other since the breakup. He's made the comment to me, "you left me for dead... You left me, so you should be fighting to get me back! But you're not..." .I'm like you're right I'm not. And I won't. My ego won't allow me to put myself out there any more than I already have. Anymore, would be disrespecting myself and negating my own values.. I feel sad about our break up. He's reached out to a relative of mine on a few holidays and I wish he hasn't because what for?? He asked me to come back once or twice when I first left( I did but I didn't work because he tried making things miserable for me more often than not) and told me he didn't want me to leave but I still left. He resents the hell out of me for that, hence him telling me I left him for " dead"... Even though I left for legitimate reasons,.. Now, here I am...

Edited July 19, 2015 by thespacey1

[Downtown]

"HE" got more intense. He reactions got more intense, his anger and his emotions... I'm no personality expert but my job requires me to work with adolescents.... he was acting like a little boy.

Spacey, the human condition is that, even as adults, our intellectual judgment becomes seriously impaired whenever we experience intense feelings. The result is that we experience thought distortions where we misinterpret other peoples' intentions and motivations. Indeed, these distortions have occurred so many hundreds of times that, by the time we're in high school, nearly all of us know that our judgment goes out the window when we are very angry or infatuated. This is why we try to keep our mouths shut when angry and try to wait two years before buying the engagement ring.

 

Hence, a major difference between BPDers and nonBPDers is that, because BPDers lack control of their own emotions, they experience those intense feelings far more frequently -- and have only a primitive set of ego defenses to use in trying to recover from them. That is, it takes them much longer to cool down. This is why BPDers are loath to put an argument aside and resolve it later. Instead, they want it decided RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT.

 

He kept yelling saying "you're MY woman! I don't want you alone with no guys! If I didn't care about you I wouldn't be saying all this...."

If he has strong BPD traits, his greatest fear is abandonment. Indeed, that fear will be so great that he will see a threat of abandonment in numerous situations where it simply doesn't exist. This is why BPDers typically exhibit irrational jealousy in situations where there really is no reason to be jealous. My BPDer exW, for example, would become very jealous if I looked at an attractive woman for a second instead of a half-second. And she eventually became jealous of my love for my foster son and for her own children.

[thespacey1]

...My BPDer exW, for example, would become very jealous if I looked at an attractive woman for a second instead of a half-second. And she eventually became jealous of my love for my foster son and for her own children.

 

Wow Downtown. Thanks for sharing. She became jealous of the attention/love you had for your son and her own child...? That's serious. How long did it take for you to realize all this?

 

My ex-fiance would seem/talk as if he were confident and laid back,but in real time situations where we'd/I'd interact with people other than him, it was a bit bizarre... e.g., when around other people his eyes would stay on me even often when someone was talking to him. When I'd be in the phone with someone he'd deliberately try to talk to me about meaningless stuff that could definitely wait until I got off the phone. I understand wanting attention, but if you act big and tough(and he is physically big& tough) then it makes it really hard to understand the switch in moods and personality and his need to lock eyes with me or try talking to me while I'm on a phone call, when he should be able to wait.

 

He would rarely if ever accept responsibility for arguments or issues in our relationship or his interactions with others. Its always someone else's fault.

 

What does all this say about me though? I feel like I should've left him a long time ago but for some reason there was something in me that "needed" the crazy/ ugly part of him. For me, that makes me sad... Even being, I do know that I don't deserve to be mistreated by any man. I feel extremely upset with myself when I don't stand up for myself. So thats my proudest part of this whole situation... I stood up for myself, BUT I'm still sad from being without him. How crazy does THAT sound...? Smh...

[Downtown]

She became jealous of the attention/love you had for your son and her own child...? That's serious. How long did it take for you to realize all this?

Several years.

 

What does all this say about me though? I feel like I should've left him a long time ago but for some reason there was something in me that "needed" the crazy/ ugly part of him.... How crazy does THAT sound...?

Not crazy at all, if he is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits). As I said before, BPDers project a vulnerability and childlike warmth that makes them VERY easy to fall in love with. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

This is not to say, however, that you contributed nothing to the toxicity in the relationship if it lasted several years. If he actually has strong BPD traits, his contributions to the toxicity are easy to see. Yours would be more difficult to see. Healthy people easily fall in love with BPDers but, as soon as the temper tantrums start about 4 or 6 months into the R/S, they typically will be willing to spend only 6 to 12 months trying to restore the partner to the wonderful person seen at the beginning. Then they bail.

 

Hence, if you stayed longer than a year after the rages began, you almost certainly are an excessive caregiver like me. Except that I'm much more extreme. After all, I stayed 15 years -- indeed, I didn't even leave willingly at that time. I left only because my BPDer exW had me arrested on a bogus charge and thrown into jail, at which point she easily obtained a R/O barring me from returning to my own home.

 

From my perspective, then, you are showing no warning signs of having a significant codependency problem if you left within a year after the rages and verbal abuse began. Like I said, it is very painful to walk away from BPDers because it feels like you're walking away from a child. If you tolerated the abuse longer than that, however, you likely are an excessive caregiver like me. That is, your desire to be needed (for what you can do) likely far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the person you already are).

 

This discussion of BPD warning signs is not relevant, however, if you did not see most of them occurring at a strong level about 6 months into your R/S. (During the 6 month courtship period, a BPDer typically does not exhibit the traits because his infatuation holds his two fears at bay.) It therefore would be helpful, for purposes of this discussion, for you to tell us which of the 18 red flags apply strongly and which do not apply. If most of those BPD warning signs don't apply, I would suggest you follow my links to descriptions of red flags for IED and ASPD (sociopathy).

[thespacey1]

...This discussion of BPD warning signs is not relevant, however, if you did not see most of them occurring at a strong level about 6 months into your R/S. (During the 6 month courtship period, a BPDer typically does not exhibit the traits because his infatuation holds his two fears at bay.) It therefore would be helpful, for purposes of this discussion, for you to tell us which of the 18 red flags apply strongly and which do not apply. If most of those BPD warning signs don't apply, I would suggest you follow my links to descriptions of red flags for IED and ASPD (sociopathy).

 

True, I left me fiance within the first year of seeing all these signs.

 

√ He did show alot of signs within the first 6months of our relationship. Some things didn't come up until i was about to leave him. So I guess some of this discussion is applicable to me and some is not...? Either way, I wish I could forget about him. He has a 5 year old daughter from a previous relationship and I became very attached to her. She stayed with us almost every weekend /every other weekend. He sends me pictures of her every now and then and he knows how much I loved and cared for her as if she were my daughter. He's said that hopefully I should get to see her soon. Perhaps he's just jerking me around because he hasn't initiated me seeing her. Or does he expect me to initiate that like he's said in this past, i.e. " you left ME! YOU should be all over me(basically begging him& initiating everything). " ...not!

[mightycpa]

Too bad you don't have a video of him raging on you. You could play it for yourself every time he chats you up, or you start feeling sentimental.

[thespacey1]

Too bad you don't have a video of him raging on you. You could play it for yourself every time he chats you up, or you start feeling sentimental.

 

Lol, funny. So true... I have memories of the tirades and it does keep me grounded from time to time. I'm sure a video or voice recording of it would be sooo much more beneficial.

[thespacey1]

To help add a little more context, I'm 38. He's 42... Not a big age gap. Just though it may shed some light on my situation... at our ages. It seems so stupid...

[surferchic]

OP, Is it possible to write or type all the thoughts you're having about your ex and just not communicate them to him?

 

I can relate to being torn between communicating or not, with a man who I loved but is not right for me. Thing is, the scope of your situation is broader than we all are aware of I'm sure. So only you can truly know how you feel and whether or not he is worth reaching out to.

 

I will say that tough love is sometimes necessary for people who just don't seem to "get it". So, if you want him back in your life make sure it's what you want as you take actions toward that end reselt AND just be prepared for his wrath, i.e. the wrath of a man[human] scorned.

[thespacey1]

...It therefore would be helpful, for purposes of this discussion, for you to tell us which of the 18 red flags apply strongly and which do not apply. If most of those BPD warning signs don't apply, I would suggest you follow my links to descriptions of red flags for IED and ASPD (sociopathy).

 

Sorry for this delayed response. I've been trying to be fair about describing the 18 red flags. After being in situations long enough, one (I began to wonder) can begin to wonder how much did they (me) them self contribute to the problems... In no particular order, the red flags were:

 

1. He fussed me out about driving a male (child) to their parent's house.

2. He blamed me for things that are clearly not my fault (creates smoke screens when he's reallynupset about something else).

 

3. Quick to fly off the handle for things that don't warrant his extreme reactions

 

4. Two of his family members mentioned to me that he gets "so angry".

 

5. Though we doesn't lots of time together, he thought that material things were high on the list of ways that proved his love for me.

 

6. (This occurred a little after 6 months) He'd say certain things (e.g. I have a surprise for you when you get back or I'm ready to get married as soon as you get back or we need to talk and resolve some things soon) to get me home quicker when I was away visiting my family out of state. Once when we were at odds and I was about to visit family or of state, he followed me around the house trying to argue about something he was at fault for. I think he was more upset because I called him on his sh*t, i was remaining calm as he argued, I was leaving him again for family visit, but he wanted to have the conversation right then and there and he knew I was gradually losing respect for him.

 

7. He would always bring up my engagement ring (because it was a high end ring) to justify certain things or to keep me from speaking up about certain things.

 

8. He proposed to me after 2 months of knowing me.

 

9. Issues of his background resurfaced in some of our outings and circle of friends.

 

10. He'd act one way when we'd arrive at an putting. Then sometimes after going to the restroom he'd act like kind of different...

 

11. Often blamed others for problems. Nothing is rarely his fault.

 

12. When I'd go out with coworkers after work, he'd always call during that time to ask where I was or to "suggest" we meet up soon.

 

13. When I'd go workout without him, he'd ask where I was then tell me he'd meetreactions

...(it may sound cute but it didn't feel right. And I like cutesy stuff like that...this just felt too intense, too soon,etc.)

 

14. Insecure about things he didn't have to be; immature reactions

 

So this isn't 17-18 signs, but this is what I came up with. There are more actual incidents of course but I was trying to be as brief as possible.

 

Feedback is welcomed.

[thespacey1]

OP, Is it possible to write or type all the thoughts you're having about your ex and just not communicate them to him?

 

I can relate to being torn between communicating or not, with a man who I loved but is not right for me. Thing is, the scope of your situation is broader than we all are aware of I'm sure. So only you can truly know how you feel and whether or not he is worth reaching out to.

 

I will say that tough love is sometimes necessary for people who just don't seem to "get it". So, if you want him back in your life make sure it's what you want as you take actions toward that end reselt AND just be prepared for his wrath, i.e. the wrath of a man[human] scorned.

 

Thanks surferchic. You make a good point. I'm trying to stay strong and not contact him mainly to stand firm on my principles. Plus, i feel like if I keep responding or initiating contact, it'll negated my main reason for leaving him. I don't think we can be just " friends" which is probably why neither of us has initiated meeting up at all since our breakup. Its probably best, yet really sad...

 

I just wish that we could've been more understanding of each other and open about out vulnerabilities... We both opened up a little but at some point a wall was put up and never broken down...