Broke up but still thinking...

[Meli22]

I think it has a lot to do with emotional abuse. For some reason these relationships are hardest to get over, I have no idea why but I think part of it (for me anyway) is the amount we put up with during the relationship that we feel we deserve so much better and that it doesn't seem fair. Maybe my story is very different to yours but my ex was very controlling, manipulative and insecure yet he was the one who said his feelings changed. I don't know if it's because of the way he dealt with things or what, but for me it was kind of like.... After everything it's YOU who feels different?! I felt a lot of injusictice. Maybe that's what you're experiencing too OP? Or maybe because it's natural to doubt your decision to end it anyway. I'd say give yourself time to work through your feelings.

[thespacey1]

I think it has a lot to do with emotional abuse. For some reason these relationships are hardest to get over, I have no idea why but I think part of it (for me anyway) is the amount we put up with during the relationship that we feel we deserve so much better and that it doesn't seem fair. Maybe my story is very different to yours but my ex was very controlling, manipulative and insecure yet he was the one who said his feelings changed. I don't know if it's because of the way he dealt with things or what, but for me it was kind of like.... After everything it's YOU who feels different?! I felt a lot of injusictice. Maybe that's what you're experiencing too OP? Or maybe because it's natural to doubt your decision to end it anyway. I'd say give yourself time to work through your feelings.

 

Thanks Meli22. Thanks for sharing part of your story. I think your ex sounds similar to many abusers/instigators of bad things in relationships... I don't think your ex's feelings really changed. He probably just said that to protect his ego.

 

After I said I was going to leave my ex, he also mentioned that his feelings changed, i.e. that he didn't really care if the relationship ended... If that were the case he would've gotten so mad when I left and he wouldn't be so bitter now. He wouldn't even respond to me when I tried letting him know about some things he'd left in thee place we lived together. It took him a while to even be cordial to me.

 

You're right about me doubting my decision. And of course my ex made comments like, "no other guy is going to treat me the way he did or do the things for me that he did." In some ways that may or may not be true, but I won't allow any other man to be emotionally abusive. My ex used "doing things/buying things partially as a way to ensure my loyalty and borderline submissiveness to him.

 

When I'd change my hair (which I did often whenever I felt like it and without consulting with him first) he say things like, " you'd should tell me these things first or ae times he would change his hair or facial hair once he saw me changing my hair. It was really weird... Then it got to a point where he wanted me to cover completely, due to some religious reasons(supposedly). He wanted me to cover my hair, ears, neck and body of course... Yes I am shapely but I'm modest. My friends and family felt like he just didn't want other men looking or flirting.

 

Funny thing is, one when covering more of myself than I every had, a man fired with me right in front of my ex. He expressed agitation about it, but didn't say much.

 

Things like this make me (women) realize that jealously and control disguises itself all the time. And some men have clever ways of diverting or attention to other "issues" to save face and try to make us blind to the real fact that they are sometimes extremely afraid of losing us or is not respecting or admiring them. My ex was big on principals and respect, so to speak. But he was sometimes clueless as his to get the respect and keep it.

 

MEN... The quickest way to lose a woman's respect is to assume that you are entitled to it( unconditionally) or that respect is synonymous with "I will abandon who I am to show you admiration". I wish I'd said these very words to my ex... We discussed things similar to this but it was typically during escalation or arguments that focused more or volume rather than content. In retrospect ,I feel like I should have shared more stuff like this with him directly rather than us talking to friends & family about our issues.I also wish I'd made him take things slower. He proposed within 2 months, ---> √ ANOTHER RED FLAG: after the first week of us dating, he would never allow us to spend one day away from each other... Meaning he would either stay at my place or I would stay at his until we soon moved in together. I should have been more firm when suggesting we take a day, just one day... staying at our own spots. His response is that he... HE would let me know when he needed space. He never did.

 

So in some regards I assume responsibility for any part I played in the failure of our relationship, due to me not putting the brakes on things sooner...

[Meli22]

Thanks Meli22. Thanks for sharing part of your story. I think your ex sounds similar to many abusers/instigators of bad things in relationships... I don't think your ex's feelings really changed. He probably just said that to protect his ego.

 

After I said I was going to leave my ex, he also mentioned that his feelings changed, i.e. that he didn't really care if the relationship ended... If that were the case he would've gotten so mad when I left and he wouldn't be so bitter now. He wouldn't even respond to me when I tried letting him know about some things he'd left in thee place we lived together. It took him a while to even be cordial to me.

 

You're right about me doubting my decision. And of course my ex made comments like, "no other guy is going to treat me the way he did or do the things for me that he did." In some ways that may or may not be true, but I won't allow any other man to be emotionally abusive. My ex used "doing things/buying things partially as a way to ensure my loyalty and borderline submissiveness to him.

 

When I'd change my hair (which I did often whenever I felt like it and without consulting with him first) he say things like, " you'd should tell me these things first or ae times he would change his hair or facial hair once he saw me changing my hair. It was really weird... Then it got to a point where he wanted me to cover completely, due to some religious reasons(supposedly). He wanted me to cover my hair, ears, neck and body of course... Yes I am shapely but I'm modest. My friends and family felt like he just didn't want other men looking or flirting.

 

Funny thing is, one when covering more of myself than I every had, a man fired with me right in front of my ex. He expressed agitation about it, but didn't say much.

 

Things like this make me (women) realize that jealously and control disguises itself all the time. And some men have clever ways of diverting or attention to other "issues" to save face and try to make us blind to the real fact that they are sometimes extremely afraid of losing us or is not respecting or admiring them. My ex was big on principals and respect, so to speak. But he was sometimes clueless as his to get the respect and keep it.

 

MEN... The quickest way to lose a woman's respect is to assume that you are entitled to it( unconditionally) or that respect is synonymous with "I will abandon who I am to show you admiration". I wish I'd said these very words to my ex... We discussed things similar to this but it was typically during escalation or arguments that focused more or volume rather than content. In retrospect ,I feel like I should have shared more stuff like this with him directly rather than us talking to friends & family about our issues.I also wish I'd made him take things slower. He proposed within 2 months, ---> √ ANOTHER RED FLAG: after the first week of us dating, he would never allow us to spend one day away from each other... Meaning he would either stay at my place or I would stay at his until we soon moved in together. I should have been more firm when suggesting we take a day, just one day... staying at our own spots. His response is that he... HE would let me know when he needed space. He never did.

 

So in some regards I assume responsibility for any part I played in the failure of our relationship, due to me not putting the brakes on things sooner...

 

Our exes sound very similar! When we were breaking up mine also said Good luck in finding another guy as trustworthy and respectful as him. I think his meaning of respect is very different to what it actually means. Mine too came on strong. No proposal but after 3 months of dating he suggested we start saving for a mortgage. The clothes issue was a biggie for me. He hated me wearing anything remotely fitted because it showed off my shape and if I did, i was branded an attention seeker and disrespectful. I started wearing outfits I hated that did nothing for my shape, just for an easy life. But no relationship should be like that! Another thing I noticed was that my ex would never compliment me, well very rarely. I think that was so I wouldn't get big headed, not that I would have anyway. He always used to think the worst of people and that most people were "sneaky" in relationships, which is why he often accused me of looking at men. Because "everyone else does." It was so frustrating at times but somewhere along the lines unfortunately I became so low that I doubted myself.

 

We are better off without this kind of negativity. Without a doubt.

[Satu]

There is a cycle of abuse and this is a simple representation of it. It's really a circle, but I can't do a circle here.

 

1. Seduction. Abuser makes the victim feel loved and secure.

 

2. The abuser turns on the victim, making angry accusations, and other abusive behaviours.

 

3. Victim feels devastated, and wonders if it's their fault. Most believe it is, sadly.

 

4. Abuser re-seduces the victim, and everything seems fine, for a short while.

 

Cycle continues.....

 

 

The problem is the re-seduction. Abusers are very good at it and it's hard to walk away from it.

[Satu]

30 signs of emotional abuse in a relationship

 

 

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

 

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

 

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

 

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

 

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

 

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

 

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

 

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

 

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

 

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

 

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

 

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

 

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

 

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

 

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

 

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

 

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

 

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

 

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

 

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

 

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

 

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

 

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

 

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

 

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

 

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

 

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

 

28. They share personal information about you with others.

 

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

 

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

 

 

Source here.

[Meli22]

The ironic thing is my ex told me he left his girlfriend before me because she always accused him of looking at other women etc. starting to wonder whether it was the other way round now!

[goldway90]

I understand that most Bpd cause a lot of chaos but let's not forgot that it's a mental illness, they didn't ask for it, there are a lot of people with that illness and they took time to get help. Let's not put them all in the same basket, they are not monsters. it's a complex mental illness. 'Get Met Out Of Here" Rachel Reiland is a great book from the point of view of someone with BDP and the struggles she faced in her journey to recover.

With that being said, no one should tolerate abuse, emotional abuse starts with very subtle so i think men or women should be aware of the warning signs.

[Meli22]

I don't know if mine had a mental illness or was just very insecure and assumed the worst of me all the time

[mightycpa]

I think you should count yourself as among the lucky ones.

 

My exes have ranged from total pains in the asses to sweet, genuine people who really had few faults and treated me well.

 

The former are easy to get over. It's the latter kind that you miss.

[thespacey1]

Wow... This feedback from you all is awesome for reference! Please keep it coming...

(Sorry this is so long, but venting like this is really helpful for me. Most of my friends/family don't know all this. It's too embarrassing and personal, in my opinion)

 

The sad part and question I often have is, what is it in me that allowed me to stay with my ex-fiance for so long. Almost a year and a half. Shucks, a few months is to long really...

 

This relationship took a toll on me to the point where I found it difficult to deal w/ stress at work whereas work. Work is stressful enough by itself, but when people I work with ( young and old ) start asking me am I o.k., thats a problem. My ex would try having conversions about this meds a few times on my way into work. If tell him I'm at work and can't deal with all this drama. >>>He'd get mad at that. >>>He didn't like me texting him (although he knew that my job prevents me from having private telephone conversations) do he'd complain about me texting rather than calling. Eventually, during the lowest point of our relationship he wouldn't even text.

 

@SATU... to your point, you're right about them withdrawing (deliberately). He started to withdraw communication while I was at work knowing that I wanted to hear from him, but he became distant. Hence, I initiated most of the communication while at work, albeit still via text. I think sat around and studied ways to control people, women, me...

 

@MELI22... my ex also mentioned how the woman he was seeing before me (ALL the women before me, did not appreciate him). So of course, early on in the relationship I was trying to be extra appreciative, yet he frequently found things to complain about even when is try to tell him that he didn't have to keep giving me expensive gifts, etc. When he got my expensive engagement ring, that only have him something else to complain about. Before I got used to wearing it, I forgot to put it on once or twice... That REALLY caused issues.

 

Yes, he assumed everybody was sneaky and had some ulterior motive and was probably trying to "get over" on him. It's really sad how untrusting he is.

 

I wanted us to get regular counseling/couples therapy. He gave me push back. He went once and bragged about going and said " ok, I went now what. We're still having problems. I'm not going back. Those people are just (trying to get over). You are MY woman. I don't need anybody telling me how to treat you! I make good decisions! (This was his mantra, lol...) This guy made me laugh at how crazy & immature he sounded. Why did he feel the need to repeat it so much??? OMG!!!

 

I wish it were hard for me to forget about men like him result, but honestly I think it's harder because he's spent so much time and energy mixing positive and negative behavior to the point where I still remember and missed the good times. I'm more upset with myself for allowing myself to be engaged to him so soon, dorms so much time with him, allow him to tear me down emotionally with his mind games. His last lingering words during the end of our relationship were, " you left me, left me for dead. YOU should be all over ME". This was during the time I physically started removing my belongings from our place together. ----- her made comments like that and said I didn't appreciate him mainly because he was right about me not being "all over him/chasing him". I've never been the kind to chase a man. I'll apologize for my faults and try to keep the peace, but it gets to a point where enough is enough and thats when I their my hands up and leave. I think me leaving him hurt his feelings/ego more than anything.

 

He once told his friend this in conversation when I was bringing some things INTO our place early in or relationship. One of his guy friends on the phone thought I was moving things OUT of our place for some reason and said, " oh, she's leaving??". My ex responded, "come on mam, what woman is going to want to leave ME (laughing arrogantly). when I heard that, i was like little she's he know... This woman... (ME)... may be THAT CHIC! THAT WOMAN! And now, here I am.

[thespacey1]

I don't know if mine had a mental illness or was just very insecure and assumed the worst of me all the time

 

I feel you on this... It's a tough call to make. Mental illness is possible, but "insecure and jealous and controlling" are possessible too right... Simply put???

 

No offense to any suggestions of mental illness... Whatever the case it didn't motivate me to stay with my ex.

[thespacey1]

...My ex responded, "come on mam, what woman is going to want to leave ME (laughing arrogantly). when I heard that, i was like little she's he know... This woman... (ME)... may be THAT CHIC! THAT WOMAN! And now, here I am.

 

Typo in this text: it should read, "... Little DOES he know", not " little she's he know ".

 

And

 

" come on maN", not "come on maM".

 

Thanks!

[Downtown]

So this isn't 17-18 signs, but this is what I came up with. There are more actual incidents of course but I was trying to be as brief as possible.

Spacey, sorry I didn't make myself clearer. When asking for feedback, I was referring to my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs mentioned in my first post. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

[thespacey1]

Spacey, sorry I didn't make myself clearer. When asking for feedback, I was referring to my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs mentioned in my first post. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Ahhh, My mistake, sorry. I'll check or the link asap. Thanks

[thespacey1]

Spacey, sorry I didn't make myself clearer. When asking for feedback, I was referring to my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs mentioned in my first post. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Hi again. So I checked out the list. All I can say is, yes.

 

My ex displayed most or all of those signs, unfortunately. As I read further in Rebel's thread, my ex has some characteristics that may contradict the BPD, i.e. not being patient/ thoughtful enough to carry out plans of revenge, etc. My ex definitely is a pretty careful planner.n part of his background and actions require careful planning. In sure he's written me off as a totally bad/wrong person due to the mere fact that I left him and that definitely made it easier for him to stay so cold for several months after we physically separated. If I were still physically with him , complaining and miserable I think he'd be fine as long as I was there with him. By me leaving he feels I'm disloyal and therefore seeing someone else and basically abandoning our relationship.

 

Again, while my ex does have a quick temper and is very reactive he does have the patience to carry out plans,especially when he feels like someone has been disloyal. He's proven this... This is one main reason I haven't volunteered telling him exactly where I live now. That's not to say that he doesn't already know where I live. We've shares the neighborhoods we're living in(within 20 minutes of each other) but not the exact address. I'm actually not sure how far he'd go simply because his ego was so bruised and his friends and family known about me leaving him( with ALL HE DID FOR ME;as if didn't make sacrifices). He told me in frustration when he asked me to come back about a hear ago, that everybody was going to think he's stupid as hell for having me with him again after I left. "You actually packed, took all your stuff out and left me", he said.

 

Due to parts of his background and aquaintences, I may never voluntarily tell him where I live. He knows people...everywhere so it seems and a few people near where I live. So who knows whether or not he already knows where I live. The fact that I'm concerned about him knowing where I live is wild, but a reality. And it sucks...

[Meli22]

My ex actually told me I had daddy issues, because I "needed" men's attention. Not true at all. I come from a loving family and my parents are still happily together. Really hurt when he said that. I should have left then but I was too busy trying to console him!

[thespacey1]

My ex actually told me I had daddy issues, because I "needed" men's attention. Not true at all. I come from a loving family and my parents are still happily together. Really hurt when he said that. I should have left then but I was too busy trying to console him!

 

He sounded really "jerk-like". Glad you separated from him. From the sounds of his patterns , he must have mommy issues. I know my ex does... along with many other issues...

[Meli22]

I have no idea what it was. His family were actually really lovely and he was kind of spoilt by them sometimes I felt. I have tried to figure out every possibility as to why he was that way but nothing sticks out.

[thespacey1]

I think you said it... He's used to getting his way@ meli22.<--<--

 

Again, a similarity with my ex. Except my ex's family structure is much different. His mom died when he was a little baby. He said she was poisoned... His dad was a junkie but is now living and my ex still tries to maintain a relationship with him.

 

That being said, my ex did what he felt he had to do to help take care of his siblings and himself growing up. I strongly believe that due to this mentality and way of life, my ex's family and friends seem almost afraid to speak up against my ex for any reason. To me, that says a lot. More than just loyalty, it seems deeper than that. I have 2 brothers. We've all been through struggles together in our lives and helped each other out in times of need. However, if I'm wrong, I'm wrong. If they're wrong, they're wrong. We have no problem (respectfully) letting each other know in front of people or in private.

 

With my ex, I never.... EVER saw or heard any of his friends or family "check him" in times where they clearly should have. Much more than just having respect for him, It appeared almost as if they feared him... Or if he had a hold on them in some way. I didn't like that.

 

So whenever I checked him, he acted like I committed a crime. I'm typically pretty soft spoken , but have no problem asserting myself. Wrong is wrong. I've tamed my inner beast over the years, but I hate myself when I don't stand up for myself or others or for what's right. Once when I put my ex in his place (in private) he later brought it up in an argument telling me that I'm not "tougher" than him... As if I want to be...? (I think in his mind I really do show a toughness that he can't control. He can't buy or bribe me. I'm not materialstic so I don't give a rats @ss about "stuff" that he can buy me or others...really.)

 

I feel like part of this comes from him seeing how I'm not intimidated by him like everybody else. I speak piece and he gets shocked because it's typically unexpected. I'm usually calm and peaceful and quiet until I'm pushed to the edge, at which point I will say or do what I need to say or do. Hence the arguments we had and me taking a stand and walking away from the relationship. I don't think anyone has ever left him. If they have ,he's always told me just the opposite.

 

So, I think your ex was the way he was because people around him have been enabling him. And once he finds a woman like you who has guts to stand up for herself, he can't stand it...

 

Just my 2¢..

[muse08]

Late joining the conversation, but its refreshing to read how you're working through this breakup by way of this forum and on your own as well, of course. Its never easy getting over the pain of losing a loved one, even when you made the decision to leave. It's sometimes even more difficult when you have to make the decision to leave.

 

From my experience, people who crave control and/or attention often get very afraid when they realize someone sees something in them that may be repulsive. For them I think by you not approving of something they've said or done, they see that as a possibility that you are immediately thinking or planning to leave.

 

Its unfortunate because many of these individuals/ our ex's are great people with great potential minus their explosiveness and almost desperate need for attention and approval. That behavior is extremely toxic, draining and painful because there are so many intangibles involved.

 

We should be thankful when we're impowered enough to remove ourselves from toxic and clearly abusive situations.

[thespacey1]

Every weekend we'd make breakfast for one another. When the weekends approach I find myself thinking about that, especially today because I bought some items that were a staple in our weekend meals. I really wish I hadn't bought them now... I guess it'll help me get over these surpressed emotions that I didn't even know I still had.

 

A few minutes ago I found myself looking around as if I were going to see him walk into the kitchen as I put the groceries away. This is sad...a sad night.

 

 

Missing him...smh.

[thespacey1]

Hey again guys. Because it's been several months now and I'm still having memories about him should I just delete him from my contacts? And/or block him so that I'll never know whether he contacts me or not? And that way I won't be tempted to respond or reach out to him and eventually I'll forget his number...

 

The greatest thing I'm trying to avoid is him sending me pix of his daughter, which make me extra sentimental and he knows this... And I don't want to know any of his updates that may catch me off guard. In pretty sure that if he ever really needed to get an urgent message to me he could contact several of my family members whose numbers he still has because he recently contacted my mom to wish her happy birthday. I wish he hasn't but it was sweet. It just made me think about him more...

 

This sucks...

 

Your feedback is appreciated as soon as possible.

[Meli22]

I think you said it... He's used to getting his way@ meli22.<--<--

 

Again, a similarity with my ex. Except my ex's family structure is much different. His mom died when he was a little baby. He said she was poisoned... His dad was a junkie but is now living and my ex still tries to maintain a relationship with him.

 

That being said, my ex did what he felt he had to do to help take care of his siblings and himself growing up. I strongly believe that due to this mentality and way of life, my ex's family and friends seem almost afraid to speak up against my ex for any reason. To me, that says a lot. More than just loyalty, it seems deeper than that. I have 2 brothers. We've all been through struggles together in our lives and helped each other out in times of need. However, if I'm wrong, I'm wrong. If they're wrong, they're wrong. We have no problem (respectfully) letting each other know in front of people or in private.

 

With my ex, I never.... EVER saw or heard any of his friends or family "check him" in times where they clearly should have. Much more than just having respect for him, It appeared almost as if they feared him... Or if he had a hold on them in some way. I didn't like that.

 

So whenever I checked him, he acted like I committed a crime. I'm typically pretty soft spoken , but have no problem asserting myself. Wrong is wrong. I've tamed my inner beast over the years, but I hate myself when I don't stand up for myself or others or for what's right. Once when I put my ex in his place (in private) he later brought it up in an argument telling me that I'm not "tougher" than him... As if I want to be...? (I think in his mind I really do show a toughness that he can't control. He can't buy or bribe me. I'm not materialstic so I don't give a rats @ss about "stuff" that he can buy me or others...really.)

 

I feel like part of this comes from him seeing how I'm not intimidated by him like everybody else. I speak piece and he gets shocked because it's typically unexpected. I'm usually calm and peaceful and quiet until I'm pushed to the edge, at which point I will say or do what I need to say or do. Hence the arguments we had and me taking a stand and walking away from the relationship. I don't think anyone has ever left him. If they have ,he's always told me just the opposite.

 

So, I think your ex was the way he was because people around him have been enabling him. And once he finds a woman like you who has guts to stand up for herself, he can't stand it...

 

Just my 2¢..

 

The thing I regret is actually not standing up for myself more. And it's because he constantly reminded me how lucky I was to have him, and he constantly guilt tripped me to the point where I believed I actually was doing something wrong. So when things were said and I was accused of things, I didn't really stand up for myself because I thought I was in the wrong. I think deep down I knew I wasn't though. He would always remind me that there aren't a lot of guys like him around, and that he gives me full respect and never looks at other women and that I should be grateful of that and give him exactly the same back (I was, I actually didn't look at other men). He'd often say I was just like everyone else. And when I'd get upset he'd say "that doesn't mean you're a bad person, it just means you're like most people with the usual morals nowadays." It hurt and frustrated me beyond belief.

 

On my birthday last year, my ex only saw me in the evening because he was working. I wanted to go out (obviously, because it was my birthday) but we didn't because HE was too tired after work and going to the gym. So we stayed in. During this time he randomly asked me did I check guys out in the gym. This was random and I said no, because I don't. He wouldn't believe me despite him never actually seeing me at the gym, and he started a huge argument because j wouldn't "just admit" that I did (how on earth would me saying I looked at other men have made him feel better anyway?!) and stormed out of my house. During this, he also said that he'd probably look at girls at the gym, just to try and trick me to say that I do too. He told me afterwards that he was just saying that to see what I'd say. The next day he didn't apologise when I said he'd ruined my birthday. He just said it was just another day. I personally couldn't of lived with myself knowing I'd ruined my partners birthday over something I had imagined in my head.

 

That was just one example of my exes accusations. I do really wish I'd have stood up for myself and walked out when I should have. But like I say, I was literally at rock bottom confidence wise so I didn't have much strength. This birthday situation was also during the period when he was doubting his feelings for me. So if I've learnt anything from that relationship it's definitely to be stronger next time, and to notice the red flags sooner, which I know I would anyway. And so will you thespacey1

[thespacey1]

...He'd often say I was just like everyone else.

 

My ex would say the same thing to me...! Crazy...

 

Thank you sooo much for your words Meli... I guess our exs sound so much alike because they really do fit the almost textbook description for emotional abusers/ narcissists... Whatever they are classifies as, it's not for me.

 

I know you wish you'd stupid up for yourself more, but don't feel to bad. So do I. I didn't always "stand up"... But it was after a few times of me feeling miserable that I decided so what I'd we argue more, I'm not going to keep bidding my tongue. I think that had we stayed together, things would have gotten physical. Once when we had annargument and he'd said in something to me that I didn't like, I responded saying " who the f*ck are you talking to?" He got so pisssed by me saying that,that he threatened to break up and said that he could have " gotten away with something" at that moment of me saying that.

 

There were a few times when he made me feel so guilty that I cried. When thst happened that was early on in the relationship. I couldnt believe he was actually accusing me of what he was accusing me of. He was good at deflecting attention to things other than what he was really upset about. So after I cried I told him that he had the wrong idea about me and that his assumption was clearly not the case. The next morning he asked me to come by his job so he could give me some " money for my lunch or spending" and apologized,saying that his accusations would never happen again. Ahhh, that was a lie. I have would try stopping him from walking away eay on when he got mad, He was big on walking out for a few minutes or so then coming back to probably just see how he'd affected me. He was also bigger than me so I wasn't going to put myself in the position to end up getting physical with him because eventually I'd fight back and we'd end up both getting locked up or something worse...

 

I hope I do see these signs sooner next time. Right now I just want to forget about him as soon as possible. I'm tired of thinking about him and how he treated me. Bad and good. I that's what makes it so sad... We actually had some really good times together. If it were all bad this breakup would be much easier to deal with.

 

Should I block him in my phone? Should I move?

[Meli22]

They sound very alike! I'm exactly like you. It's only natural to think of the good times after a break up. Even if my ex came crawling back on his hands and knees, as tempted as I could feel, I know deep down not being together is the right decision. I have no idea what kind of girl he wants. I was very patient with him to the point where it affected my mental health, never again! I accommodated to his needs so much and he will be lucky to find someone as patient as I was.

 

I think you should block his number. If you want to move on him contacting you will make that difficult. Just keep thinking of how awful he was and how much it knocked you down, you deserve so much better!