Broke up but still thinking...

[thespacey1]

I so appreciate the feedback in this thread...

 

Meli22 you're so right. Thank you! I/we do deserve better. No one (male or female) deserves to be with a person who brings them down emotionally or otherwise. Relationships are tricky, but when it's meant to be I guess it should be easier...

 

In speaking to a few of my married friends, they go throughout some crazy stuff too, while married... My expectation was that one married the games and craziness stops. However, several of my married friends are going through straight drama and seem to act as if it's party of their marital "growth/cleaving"... Seriously? That's nothing to look forward to. Am I bring naive to expect little games or control issues when reaching that level of relationship, i.e. marriage?

[thespacey1]

The thing I regret is actually not standing up for myself...

 

Meli22... I'm sooo sorry! I hope you know that's a stupid typo. :-( when I said, " I know you wish you'd stupid up for yourself more..." Should not include the word stupid... It should definitely be the word STOOD up for yourself more... Definitely! (And there were several times that I didn't stand up for myself when I should have... I hated the way being passive made me feel)...

 

Lesson learned: I need to check for typos more carefully before posting. Again, my apologies!

[callmesally]

Every weekend we'd make breakfast for one another. When the weekends approach I find myself thinking about that, especially today because I bought some items that were a staple in our weekend meals. I really wish I hadn't bought them now... I guess it'll help me get over these surpressed emotions that I didn't even know I still had.

 

A few minutes ago I found myself looking around as if I were going to see him walk into the kitchen as I put the groceries away. This is sad...a sad night.

 

 

Missing him...smh.

 

 

I totally get where you're coming from. Unfortunately, the dumpers often feel just as bad or worse than that dumpees. Some people don't understand that, but I do because I've been there. When you make a decision to leave a controlling /abusive person unexpectedly they have a way of making you feel extremely guilty. If they ever suspect you have thoughts of leaving them they may say things to make you feel as if you are totally crazy, or callous, mean, ungrateful, etc.

 

So we sometimes replay these over in our minds. The good thing is, you were strong enough to leave someone who wasn't treating you the way you deserve. You should be proud of yourself. You stood up for yourself rather than stayed just to avoid starting over or being alone for a while.

 

I'm hoping you're getting stronger each day/ week/month.

[Meli22]

I so appreciate the feedback in this thread...

 

Meli22 you're so right. Thank you! I/we do deserve better. No one (male or female) deserves to be with a person who brings them down emotionally or otherwise. Relationships are tricky, but when it's meant to be I guess it should be easier...

 

In speaking to a few of my married friends, they go throughout some crazy stuff too, while married... My expectation was that one married the games and craziness stops. However, several of my married friends are going through straight drama and seem to act as if it's party of their marital "growth/cleaving"... Seriously? That's nothing to look forward to. Am I bring naive to expect little games or control issues when reaching that level of relationship, i.e. marriage?

 

 

Not naive at all.. Marriage definitely shouldn't be about control games. And don't worry about the typo I knew what you meant yes we do deserve better and we will find it! Next time I won't put up with any kind of emotional abuse, guilt tripping or control. And you're right about the passive feeling.. It's frustrating and makes you feel worthless and unimportant. There was always a voice screaming in my head to stand up for myself but it got to the point where I actually DID feel like I was a terrible girlfriend. And the worst thing was, I never told a soul when this was happening because I knew they'd judge him and I guess I was trying to protect him, rather than putting my own feelings first.

[thespacey1]

Thanks for the response. Because although I left for good reason, I sometimes question myself. I think you're right about people assuming the dumper is always the cold one. Not the case with me. My ex would say that I'm cold, left him for dead, etc. So thanks again@callmesally.

 

Next question for anyone who can respond. How do I handle different outings, e.g. we attend the same church...now anyway. Weird thing is, he hasn't always gone to my church. Before we met he went to a church closer to his job. We went to my church a few times for couples activities when we were preparing for marriage. He didn't like the preacher and felt that the preacher was being inappropriate to me so my ex wanted us to stop attending the activities. My ex started disposing the preacher. Then one day my friend tells me she saw my ex at church one day. I wasnt there that day, but she also thought it was weird seeing how he didn't like the preacher AND that wasn't the church he went to anyway...

 

So my question is that, how do I go about trying to avoid him when he's now popping up at my church and his friend is seemingly going there more now as well. I don't get it.

 

Should I limit my church visits now or continue and act blind to him or what? What should I think of now? One of my girlfriends wondered if he went to my church thinking he was gonna see me or try to play some game or what.

 

I don't think he's stalking me. I've had a stalker before and my ex is not the stalking type , plus he's too "proud" for that...

 

Any ideas?

[Meli22]

No idea why he's at your church, could be to bump into you maybe. I think if you wish to continue going to that church then you should do so, don't let him ruin that for you. Just try to ignore him if you see him. Or you could go to another church if that's an option? If you don't feel comfortable going to another one or if you feel seeing him could be too much, maybe try taking some time off from going? I don't know.. Whatever makes you feel best though.

[thespacey1]

Thanks Meli. I'll most likely go less frequently for a while. I think I could handle seeing him, I just don't like not knowing why he starts going after we break up. When we were together we rarely went and when we did it was on our religious holidays....

 

Thanks

[Meli22]

Well I certainly don't understand him. Keep your chin up lovely

[thespacey1]

I totally get where you're coming from. Unfortunately, the dumpers often feel just as bad or worse than that dumpees. Some people don't understand that, but I do because I've been there. When you make a decision to leave a controlling /abusive person unexpectedly they have a way of making you feel extremely guilty. If they ever suspect you have thoughts of leaving them they may say things to make you feel as if you are totally crazy, or callous, mean, ungrateful, etc.

 

So we sometimes replay these over in our minds. The good thing is, you were strong enough to leave someone who wasn't treating you the way you deserve. You should be proud of yourself. You stood up for yourself rather than stayed just to avoid starting over or being alone for a while.

 

I'm hoping you're getting stronger each day/ week/month.

 

Thanks callmesally. So true... I feel horrible at times for getting him the to point where he's bitter. Then again, it doesn't take much for him to get mad/bitter ,etc.

 

I think that he was shocked and emotionally caught off guard more than anything,not thinking I'd actually leave him (actually pack my things and move them out). He said once to one of his friends in a particular context, "man, what women is gonna want to leave me". It was almost a wake up call to me, in the sense that he actually thinks he can walk around with his temper tantrums and flip flop with sweet and bitter, and I'm gonna stick around in for that...? Is he serious?

 

He must be a mixture of slow, arrogant and slick. Or he must have assumed that I'm afraid to leave.

[surferchic]

Well I certainly don't understand him. Keep your chin up lovely

 

I second that, i.e. don't understand him/ men.

 

It kind of sounds like he's either trying to taunt you and/or he just likes the church and may therefor want to keep something that you both shared...?

 

Otherwise,I'm clueless.

[surferchic]

Thanks callmesally. So true... I feel horrible at times for getting him the to point where he's bitter. Then again, it doesn't take much for him to get mad/bitter ,etc.

 

I think that he was shocked and emotionally caught off guard more than anything,not thinking I'd actually leave him (actually pack my things and move them out). He said once to one of his friends in a particular context, "man, what women is gonna want to leave me". It was almost a wake up call to me, in the sense that he actually thinks he can walk around with his temper tantrums and flip flop with sweet and bitter, and I'm gonna stick around in for that...? Is he serious?

 

He must be a mixture of slow, arrogant and slick. Or he must have assumed that I'm afraid to leave.

 

You can't blame yourself for his emotions. Just curious though, how has he shown his bitterness? My ex was not happy at all either when we broke up. Similar situation, very similar.

[thespacey1]

True.

 

I was reading another thread about tonight being tough. I guess it's something about the weekends... Tonight is tougher than usual for me. Not sure why... I've even started seeing someone. I started seeing someone about a month after my ex and I moved our from each other. Still memories of him keep resurfacing. I'm not even sure if I should keep seeing this other guy because after he leaves and sometimes when I'm with him, my mind is somewhere else. Is that normal?

 

To answer the question about him being bitter. Well, as I started packing and moving some things into storage, he kept saying that he told me several times that he didn't want me to leave but I continued as if he didn't matter. The whole abandonment thing is bigger to him than almost anything. He wouldn't respond when I told him about things I left and he left in our place. He didn't offer to help me move anything into my new place, he told me that I should be chasing after him since I made the decision for us to breakup.

 

√ So for clarity, we have had contact since the breakup. He ended up calling me a few times around my birthday. late at night, early in the morning. I didn't answer right away and didn't initiate many calls. So he seemed to pull back completely after that period. Now we are about at no communication.

 

Even when we've been (at separate times I assume) to the church that I go to, we never seem to see each other, but I've seen his friends and my friends have seen him.

But we never see each other. Things are so weird now...

 

Tonight really feels weird.

[Meli22]

Thanks callmesally. So true... I feel horrible at times for getting him the to point where he's bitter. Then again, it doesn't take much for him to get mad/bitter ,etc.

 

I think that he was shocked and emotionally caught off guard more than anything,not thinking I'd actually leave him (actually pack my things and move them out). He said once to one of his friends in a particular context, "man, what women is gonna want to leave me". It was almost a wake up call to me, in the sense that he actually thinks he can walk around with his temper tantrums and flip flop with sweet and bitter, and I'm gonna stick around in for that...? Is he serious?

 

He must be a mixture of slow, arrogant and slick. Or he must have assumed that I'm afraid to leave.

 

Arrogant absolutely. As I said he sounds similar to my ex, saying I should pay him a salary because men like him are a dying breed. Saying I'll never find anyone as trustworthy and respectful as him. Telling me about how girls in his past have been devastated when he's left because of how good he was but they'd always been really happy for him when he'd met someone else because again, he was so good to them. Someone once told me that my ex was arrogant and I couldn't see it but now I completely do.

 

Don't feel guilty about this at all, he's playing games to make you feel that and reel you back in. Just remember that your well being is the most important thing and that this is his own fault anyway.

[thespacey1]

Arrogant absolutely. As I said he sounds similar to my ex, saying I should pay him a salary because men like him are a dying breed.

 

What?.... Lol,omg...

[thespacey1]

Arrogant absolutely. As I said he sounds similar to my ex, saying I should pay him a salary because men like him are a dying breed. Saying I'll never find anyone as trustworthy and respectful as him. Telling me about how girls in his past have been devastated when he's left because of how good he was but they'd always been really happy for him when he'd met someone else because again, he was so good to them. Someone once told me that my ex was arrogant and I couldn't see it but now I completely do.

 

Don't feel guilty about this at all, he's playing games to make you feel that and reel you back in. Just remember that your well being is the most important thing and that this is his own fault anyway.

 

 

Meli,I don't know u, but you rock! Seriously. Your words are helping to keep me strong. I'm not going to lie and say I'm completely "all good". But this forum and people like you who've been through similar stuff and who " know their worth ", are extremely helpful.

[thespacey1]

men like him are a dying breed. Saying I'll never find anyone as trustworthy and respectful as him.

 

...lol. Girl, we are dating character TWINS... my ex would also say that stuff... How old is your ex if you don't mind me asking. Maybe it's something guys in his age range are starting to tell women. But they need to read the memo, " ahhh, it's not working...".

 

My ex: "how many dudes do you know who aredoing what I do for you? We go places every weekend, Look at your ring, do you know how many women would LOOOOOVE to have that??!, I spend time with you, my whole life has been centered around you."

 

My response : ".........(this dude is a bona fide nut,for real). Ahhh, You're not even making sense. People who care about a ring over sanity are materialistic which I'm not. So you can't use a ring or other stuff to control me... (Do you realize how you sound...fool)

Edited July 26, 2015 by thespacey1

[Meli22]

...lol. Girl, we are dating character TWINS... my ex would also say that stuff... How old is your ex if you don't mind me asking. Maybe it's something guys in his age range are starting to tell women. But they need to read the memo, " ahhh, it's not working...".

 

My ex: "how many dudes do you know who aredoing what I do for you? We go places every weekend, Look at your ring, do you know how many women would LOOOOOVE to have that??!, I spend time with you, my whole life has been centered around you."

 

My response : ".........(this dude is a bona fide nut,for real). Ahhh, You're not even making sense. People who care about a ring over sanity are materialistic which I'm not. So you can't use a ring or other stuff to control me... (Do you realize how you sound...fool)

 

Haha they are twins! My ex is 31. When I look back now things make sense but because it was my first proper relationship since my teens, I didn't really pay attention. Like he came on real strong talking about mortgages etc after just 3 months. Within the first 2 weeks of dating he kept telling me how lucky I was to have met someone like him. A couple months in he brought up not liking me wearing fitted clothes and his issue with my gym pants. A family member was rushed into hospital and I had to go straight there from the gym and my ex was texting me about me walking round the gym with my gym pants on, and that I was disrespectful because guys would probably check me out. Like I even cared about that?! When a family member had suffered an awful stroke and was critically ill. He didn't care about that though, more worried about his own insecurity. Then came the accusations of looking at other men. This happened a few times over the next few months but then during a 2 week vacation, it happened on about 6 occasions. Huge arguments too with glass smashing and stuff (not me). So then I think deep down I felt something wasn't right.

 

It's sad that people are like this because I don't think they even realise it. My ex hacked into my Facebook and saw me talking to a girl friend about us and me worrying over his accusations of me looking at other men. He argued the case so much that he was right and that id be exactly the same if it was the other way round. The ironic part is as I think I mentioned earlier, he broke up with his last ex before me because she was insecure and always accused him of looking at other women. It doesn't make sense unless, it was actually the other way round.

 

I could go on forever with stories but the main thing is I think to remember all of these things when we have moments of doubt or sadness. I won't lie and say I never think of him fondly. We had great times like any relationship and there are times I reminisce about those and miss him. I miss some of our routine and when I'm at home doing nothing I feel nostalgic about the days we had just watching movies and chilling. I've told myself it's normal and it's ok to feel that way. But it helps to remember the bad times because it would be so much more harder getting over someone who was perfect for us. I think my ego is more bruised than anything, because his feelings changed about me and I think he lost interest. I broke up with him but only because I felt he couldn't do it. And also all of the other things that weren't right about the relationship, kind of made my decision for me. He hasn't been begging for me back which I'm sort of glad about. We've spoke briefly and he's made it clear his life isn't that great without me, but I wouldn't go back. Stick to your guns thespacey1, we will be fine soon

[thespacey1]

Yep, you're right. We will be fine, eventually. Wow@ glass smashing... Sounds like he may have put his hands on you, had you stayed...

 

I think I'm also missing routines, more than anything. Because when I was with him I literally would call or text my girlfriends or mom, saying "I can't do this anymore and need to get away from this relationship. He complains about everything. Wants to control how i dress/act." I'll admit,its not always good to discuss one's relationship with family and friends(because they may be biased) but for me I think my main reason was to keep close relatives informed in case anything more serious happened and to make sure I wasn't going crazy,for real. I can't believe I never feared going to sleep beside him.

 

But, yeah I think using this thread to vent is therapeutic for people(me).

 

√My ex proposed to me within 2 months...and didn't want us to spend one night in our own places/separately...

 

√The gym outfit convo came up definitely. He suggested I wear loose fitting sweat pants and a big T-shirt. And other outfits he'd definitely say that he wanted me to cover to the point of not even showing my neck or ears, much less fitting skinny jeans that show the contour of my figure... Funny thing is on a day that I was covered more modestly, a guy hit on me right in front of my ex. Lol, I thing that was a wake up call to my ex. If a guy is going to flirt/speak he's going to do it regardless of what I'm wearing. Not all men flirt based on my hips, thighs, butt...(keeping it real). It could be eyes, mouth, neck, walk, cheek bones, jaw bone, finger, toe.... I'm just saying...

 

Same thing with men. He wouldn't cover his head, neck, arms,etc. I could trip over that, but if a chic is going to look at my man then so be it. I've never really been jealous like that. So when guys mention crazy stuff about how other men may respond to me or assuming that my intentions are less than respectable, it's funny.

[Meli22]

Wow I feel like I'm talking to myself here ha! Our situations were so similar. I didn't tell anyone what was going on and I did think I was going crazy, I questioned myself so much. And yeah a man will hit on a woman if he likes her regardless of what she's wearing. My ex used to tell me he didn't wear vests to the gym because he knew girls would check him out (big headed) and it wouldn't be fair on me. I kept insisting it honestly wouldn't bother me if he wore a vest because a girl will look no matter what if she thinks he's good looking. A few inches of arm won't make a difference.

 

It is the routine we miss I'd say. Of course there are still feelings because they don't just dissapear over night, but we don't actually miss them as individuals and the sh*t they put us through. And about the glass smashing, I remember my heart sinking at that point because I saw a potentially violent side to him and it really scared me and shocked me because I never imagined him to be that way.

[thespacey1]

...And about the glass smashing, I remember my heart sinking at that point because I saw a potentially violent side to him and it really scared me and shocked me because I never imagined him to be that way.

 

Smh,I completely understand and can relate? How did the glass get cleaned up?

 

In the future, do you think you'll continue to refrain from telling your loved ones about potential "crazy"...? How did you go without telling anyone? It's impossible for me to keep stuff like this to myself. I needed immediate feedback and a live voice when I was dealing with me ex.

 

My grandmother once warned me of talking about the man you're with to save face. I never took heed. What's your secret?

[Meli22]

I cleaned the glass up. I think deep down I knew what he was doing was wrong and I knew people would tell me to leave him and I didn't want to at the time. And other times he made me feel so guilty and not good enough that I felt if I told people about him, that I knew telling people about him would make me feel even more guilty. It was a vicious circle. My best friend cried when I told her everything after we broke up because she had no idea and felt bad. But of course it wasn't her fault at all, it was mine for not saying. My family was shocked too and I haven't even told them the full extent.

 

It's not a good to keep stuff like that to yourself. I won't be if it happens again. But I know it won't happen again because I won't let it.

[thespacey1]

I won't be if it happens again. But I know it won't happen again because I won't let it.

 

Good for you.

[Meli22]

And you won't let it either

[thespacey1]

And you won't let it either

 

Thanks a bunch. I was about to say that, but for me I do best when I don't say all these things I'm going to do or not do. It forces me to perform/show action/ actually BE strong enough and discerning enough to see the signs and not allow my sentimental side to make decisions. May sound wierd but yeah, I of course don't intend for this situation to happen ever again.

 

I tend to feel sorry for guys when first seeing their "act" of how dramatic they are or how I've hurt them just because I set a few boundaries. I have work to do with myself, by not waiting until I've been pushed to my limits, to leave. I've gotta learn to leave before things get crazy and stop giving so many chances... (For them to show me how bad they are, FOR ME. Or vice versa just to be fair).

[surferchic]

Hope your staying strong OP... and any other posters who've struggled through the weekend. You've made it through!