Your experience with Dating down ?

[IronZ]

I think that's a sweet thing to say.

 

If I liked the girl I'd love to hear that.

 

This. If I was really into the girl I would be jumping over the moon after hearing something like that.

[kendahke]

Every time I have dated down, look wise, THEY ended up dumping me. I don't understand this phenomena. You do?

 

I met this man a few weeks ago, I thought he was so-so. He was too tall, too thin, his teeth needed some work, he only wore running shoes etc, Anyway, I decided to give it a few dates and to my surprise he grew on me! Then HE dumps me!! lol

 

Every single time I gave a shot to a man I felt 'I can do better' he ended up dumping me, what's up with that?

 

 

I've had the same experience, but at least I can say I can't be accused of not giving 4's and 5's a chance.

[kendahke]

I think this is way too much to say to a guy you've only known a few weeks.

 

Sure, if you're in your mid 20's, perhaps, but after the age of 45, both parties should be adult enough to not be scared off by a compliment.

[newmoon]

i have dated down with socioeconomics a lot, and same thing, i've had some dirt poor dudes dump me and i'm baffled. it could be simple incompatibility, but i also think a part of it comes from a place of insecurity - they know they can't compete with better looks or more money, or whatever it is you have that they don't. if it's a glaring difference of looks or money, they know, and feel it, and it cripples the relationship, even if it's not voiced.

[introverted1]

Your pick is as good as mine.

 

* I've been single too long (my mom's explanation)

* I am intimidating (men I dated explanation)

* I am hard to read (told by men)

* I am too desperate (told on this board)

* I think I want a relationship but deep down I don't (my brother's explanation)

* Men are (*&?%?() (my daughter's explanation)

* I just have not met the right one (my best friend's explanation)

 

I will add: After a certain age (40's, perhaps), it becomes very, very difficult to meet someone who is single and not carrying a lot of baggage. And by this I am not referring to ex-wives or children, but to mental/emotional health. If you're not in a major metropolitan area with tons of prospects, it is damn near impossible.

[VengeanceGuidesMe]

I think if you have the mind set that you're dating down, it's possible you have too large of an ego or are a bit arrogant. Maybe you think you're dating down, but that dude was really interesting, confident, etc and found you to be something not what you think you are.

[kendahke]

Your pick is as good as mine.

 

* I've been single too long (my mom's explanation)

 

Ann Wilson of Heart just got married for the first time at the age of 64. It's not that.

 

* I am intimidating (men I dated explanation)

 

Who wants someone easily scared? Next...

 

* I am hard to read (told by men)

 

...instead of asking questions so that they know for certain, they rely on speculation and torment themselves with guessing. Next...

 

* I am too desperate (told on this board)

 

What does your therapist say?

 

* I think I want a relationship but deep down I don't (my brother's explanation)

 

You want a relationship with a man who wants to be in a relationship with you, not someone just bobbing and drifting along on the current.

 

* Men are (*&?%?() (my daughter's explanation)

 

Young adult angst... one of the more hurtful bumps in the road of adjusting one's paradigm from childish idealism to adult realism.

 

* I just have not met the right one (my best friend's explanation)

 

The truest explanation of the whole lot.

 

It could just be as simple as the crop of men who are in your vicinity.

[Gary S]

Just because they are beauty challenged does not mean they are easy, lol

[katiegrl]

I think after meeting/dating 100-200 men, and experiencing essentially the same shyt with every one, whatever the hell is turning these guys off goes **WAY way deeper** than any one of us can figure out here.

 

One word. Therapy. Serious therapy. There is something much deeper going on here other than some men find you *intimidating* or your picker is off...or you just haven't met the right one. Come on.

 

You are the common denominator here. Time to figure it out. Time to figure YOURSELF out. It's time.

 

Harsh truth!

Edited July 18, 2015 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

I think after meeting/dating 100-200 men, and experiencing essentially the same shyt with every one, whatever the hell is turning these guys off goes **WAY way deeper** than any one of us can figure out here.

 

One word. Therapy. Serious therapy. There is something much deeper going on here other than some men find you *intimidating* or your picker is off.

 

You are the common denominator here. Time to figure it out. Time to figure YOURSELF out.

 

Harsh truth!

 

I did go back and ask men I had briefly dated or had longer dating history with them if there was something about me that could explain why men don't stick around and I told them to not spare my feelings and to be honest with me. They all said nothing was wrong with me.

[VengeanceGuidesMe]

Yeah, but they could have said that for easiness. Most dudes don't want to deal with hurting a girls feelings. Is it possible that you come off too clingy or needy after a little bit? I know that if a girl gets way interested in me real quick and I'm not head over heels, I end it. I end it because I don't want to wait another 4 months and find out my gut instinct was right and now she's in love with me. It's easier to let you down now and let you get back out there for your sake than to keep you tied up when I'm only feeling luke warm.

 

First girl I ever broke up with was because she said "I love you" to me, and I realized I didn't feel the same back. So I dumped her a week later.

[Gaeta]

I think after meeting/dating 100-200 men, and experiencing essentially the same shyt with every one, whatever the hell is turning these guys off goes **WAY way deeper** than any one of us can figure out here.

 

One word. Therapy. Serious therapy. There is something much deeper going on here other than some men find you *intimidating* or your picker is off...or you just haven't met the right one. Come on.

 

You are the common denominator here. Time to figure it out. Time to figure YOURSELF out. It's time.

 

Harsh truth!

 

I don't need therapy for being confident and independent. I don't carry any hang-ups from my past, I don't have any fears, addiction, or whats-not. I am not afraid of taking risks and I am not afraid of heartbreaks. I put myself out there, I fall, hit my face but don't let it scare me and I jump right back on the saddle.

[katiegrl]

I did go back and ask men I had briefly dated or had longer dating history with them if there was something about me that could explain why men don't stick around and I told them to not spare my feelings and to be honest with me. They all said nothing was wrong with me.

 

Come on Gaeta, you are an intelligent woman, men don't dump women for no reason.

 

And what did you really expect them to say? Maybe they did not even know .... oher than something just seemed OFF. A bad or negative "vibe" of some sort. They are not going to admit that to you, come on.

 

Whatever is "wrong" is nothing tangible, or easily identifiable from the outside. It's deeper than that.

 

You are seeking a simple and rational explanation for something **within you** that has been brewing for years.

 

Like I said, your abusive past, the fact you got NO male attention until the age of 45, all these things have a bearing on who you are today..... and are impacting your ability to connect with men (and they with you) in a meaningful way, lasting way.

 

It's time to explore this....preferably with a qualified professional.

 

I am so sorry I hope that wasn't too harsh.

 

But I have been thinking this for a long time, and thought it was time to voice it.

 

Wish you the best!

[Joaquin]

One thing I've learnt: chose to date people that excite you. Your kidding yourself otherwise.

 

Be patient. Keep trying.

[katiegrl]

 

 

**I don't need therapy for being confident and independent***

 

 

. I don't carry any hang-ups from my past, I don't have any fears, addiction, or whats-not. I am not afraid of taking risks and I am not afraid of heartbreaks. I put myself out there, I fall, hit my face but don't let it scare me and I jump right back on the saddle.

 

Did not say you needed therapy for being *confident and independent*. Read my posts again.

 

But you know what? Nevermind. Clearly you don't want to hear it so carry on.

 

Good luck.

[phineas]

I did go back and ask men I had briefly dated or had longer dating history with them if there was something about me that could explain why men don't stick around and I told them to not spare my feelings and to be honest with me. They all said nothing was wrong with me.

 

The last time a woman asked me why I broke up with her & told her the truth, she went ape-chit on me.

 

I should of known she was unbalanced though, no sane person goes around to their ex's asking whats wrong with them.

 

women cannot handle being told why they were dumped.

Period.

 

I've known women who were caught cheating and went ballistic when they were dumped because of it.

[Gaeta]

The last time a woman asked me why I broke up with her & told her the truth, she went ape-chit on me.

 

I should of known she was unbalanced though, no sane person goes around to their ex's asking whats wrong with them.

 

women cannot handle being told why they were dumped.

Period.

 

I've known women who were caught cheating and went ballistic when they were dumped because of it.

 

I am level-headed. Actually I was dumped once for being Too rational. So no, I am not the type that goes ape-****.

[Weezy1973]

Gaeta, you strike me as being one of those women, not uncommon on LS, that has high self-esteem but low self-worth.

 

For yourself and most people, this can be confusing. You see yourself as an attractive, intelligent, sexy, successful woman. That's high self esteem. However, at the same time, you're not sure if you're worthy of being loved.

 

And, as is common with a lot of people with low self-worth, you've developed defense mechanisms up the wazoo. And, as is also common in these cases, you've become an "addict". In your case, what you're addicted to is male attention. Or to be more precise, the boost in the feeling of worthiness that you get from male attention. That's why you expressed that when you started OLD you felt "like a kid in a candy store." For women with high self worth, they just would have found that to be annoying.

 

You get your "fix" from the male attention. And OLD is like a drug dealer giving you the goods for free. It's absolutely the worst thing for you. And like most addicts, you'll now be wanting to make an excuse as to why you "have to" continue OLD.

 

You need to stop OLD. You need to honestly explore your values when it comes to relationships (as opposed to when it comes to men).

 

Figure out what you want in a relationship. Do the things necessary to get what you want in a relationship.

[MissBee]

Every time I have dated down, look wise, THEY ended up dumping me. I don't understand this phenomena. You do?

 

I met this man a few weeks ago, I thought he was so-so. He was too tall, too thin, his teeth needed some work, he only wore running shoes etc, Anyway, I decided to give it a few dates and to my surprise he grew on me! Then HE dumps me!! lol

 

Every single time I gave a shot to a man I felt 'I can do better' he ended up dumping me, what's up with that?

 

Because dating isn't simply about looks and looks don't determine one's value...hence good looking people get dumped, cheated on and all the rest, as well as what goes into dating, falling in love, being faithful is much more complicated than 'if he is uglier than me he will never dump me."

 

I had a friend who this was her dating philosophy in college. She was pretty, in fact, she is a pageant winner. She would specifically seek guys who she felt were way less good looking, not only that, she made sure they were less educated and overall "below" her. Her logic was that if she dated such a man he'd be so enamored with her looks and status that he'd worship the very ground she walked on and she'd have him right where she wanted him. It of course came from fear, fear of heartbreak, being vulnerable, fear of being rejected, abandoned etc....but that fear made her do this and you know what? I remember her being in a puddle when the last two "less than guys" one cheated and one broke it off. That only made her feel even worse about herself if "ugly guys" were also dumping her.

 

Fortunately, she's no longer that way and is happily married with a beautiful baby to a man "on her level." It's not so much that he is "on her level" but she worked on her own issues and stopped choosing based on fear or settling and decided to start choosing men she actually respected, liked, was attracted to and had to open herself up to potentially being hurt by them too...but it's far more worth it to go after who you actually respect, like and feel you're equal to and have it not work, as it sometimes goes, than for you to knowingly feel someone is "less than" or "lower than you" and you settle and then feel like shyt when someone you barely even like rejects you in the end anyway.

 

I don't know why they dumped her or cheated or why this guy dumped you, but like I said, it's far more complicated than a simple arithmetic of "If my partner is better looking, has a better job than me, more money, I will never cheat or dump them and will be head over heels..." how we feel about people is far more complicated than just looks and such. You may be better looking than him, but what if you don't have other qualities he wants? Most people look for multiple characteristics and also feeling like a good fit...and simply being good looking does NOT make one an automatic good fit, doesn't make it feel right neither does it mean most sane people will ignore all other qualities. We all have a special mix of what feeling happy and in love in a relationship feels like and it's not as simple as "He looks good or is better looking than me...so INSTANT in love and I can never dump him." If you're not shallow you'll have a lot more involved than that and Gaeta, gently, I think your confusion at being dumped by a man not as good looking as you is your own issue...i.e. something you have to work on to understand why this is confusing to you or rather why is this a source of value and why would you even willfully date someone you aren't even attracted to or consider lower...

Edited July 18, 2015 by MissBee

[Brigit_1]

The last time a woman asked me why I broke up with her & told her the truth, she went ape-chit on me.

I should of known she was unbalanced though, no sane person goes around to their ex's asking whats wrong with them.

 

women cannot handle being told why they were dumped.

Period.

 

I've known women who were caught cheating and went ballistic when they were dumped because of it.

 

Now I'm curious. What did you say?

[ZA Dater]

One thing I've learnt: chose to date people that excite you. Your kidding yourself otherwise.

 

Be patient. Keep trying.

 

Wish I could "like" the above more than once, I agree the posts of yours I have read here convey someone smart and independent, both of which are great qualities to have.

 

 

Hence, why I say don't date down, sometimes guys who aren't so smart feel hugely intimidated by a very smart independent lady.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta, you strike me as being one of those women, not uncommon on LS, that has high self-esteem but low self-worth.

 

For yourself and most people, this can be confusing. You see yourself as an attractive, intelligent, sexy, successful woman. That's high self esteem. However, at the same time, you're not sure if you're worthy of being loved.

 

And, as is common with a lot of people with low self-worth, you've developed defense mechanisms up the wazoo. And, as is also common in these cases, you've become an "addict". In your case, what you're addicted to is male attention. Or to be more precise, the boost in the feeling of worthiness that you get from male attention. That's why you expressed that when you started OLD you felt "like a kid in a candy store." For women with high self worth, they just would have found that to be annoying.

 

You get your "fix" from the male attention. And OLD is like a drug dealer giving you the goods for free. It's absolutely the worst thing for you. And like most addicts, you'll now be wanting to make an excuse as to why you "have to" continue OLD.

 

You need to stop OLD. You need to honestly explore your values when it comes to relationships (as opposed to when it comes to men).

 

Figure out what you want in a relationship. Do the things necessary to get what you want in a relationship.

 

That is an interesting read. I will give some thought to that.

 

By the way I deleted my profile a month ago, also I regularly get off dating sites and take breaks.

[jay1983]

This happened to me once, but I was kinda being ass.

 

I didn't care enough to make a thread about it.

 

Hey, what happened to young Adonis?

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Gaeta...you're a confident, strong and independent woman...and those are good things to be.

 

However...you shouldn't go into a dating situation with a guy that you're NOT attracted to - or with a guy who has something about their physical appearance that gives you the distinct feeling that you're 'dating down' - because, I think some of those guys MAY be able to sense that you feel that way towards them. Not only that, but you feeling that way towards a guy won't exactly help you enjoy his company nor will it foster feelings of further attraction or chemistry IMO.

 

That's why - even though a lot of people think that this is shallow - I *never* go out on a date with a guy with whom I'm NOT attracted to physically. I *have to* feel physically/sexually attracted to most of his features before I go down that road with him; and I'm sure most guys feel this way with the women they date as well.

 

Just stick to dating guys that you're physically attracted to from now on. No one wants to feel like they're 'dating down'...and alternatively, no one wants to feel (or sense) that the person they're dating considers them as 'dating down'.

 

 

 

 

.

[MissBee]

I don't need therapy for being confident and independent. I don't carry any hang-ups from my past, I don't have any fears, addiction, or whats-not. I am not afraid of taking risks and I am not afraid of heartbreaks. I put myself out there, I fall, hit my face but don't let it scare me and I jump right back on the saddle.

 

How is it possible not to have any fears?

 

Therapy isn't only for raving loons with addictions.

 

Most of us, especially if we're hitting a brick wall over and over again, may be missing something and talking to someone about it who is experienced (not just LS folks) may provide valuable insight and actually help us have a brealthrough. It's nothing shameful to do and I think if it's in your means to afford it and if you genuinely are tired of the same ol' same ol' how can it hurt to give it a shot?

 

Even some raving loons think not a thing is wrong with them and how they do things, so that in itself is never proof that a second opinion wouldn't be useful.