Your experience with Dating down ?

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

After I posted my update he called again. It was a very confusing conversation. To me it was.

 

When I picked up he said: Where were you? ((really? where I was?)) then he went on saying he wanted to take me to a concert tonight but I didn't call back so he went with a friend. He was coming out of the show when he called me back.

 

I said I would have liked to know about it ahead of time. He did not reply anything, he was driving, his friend was next to him, they were talking together then he was talking to me, there was no point of me addressing his disappearance.

 

He asked if I was going to bed soon cause he'd like to call back.

 

Wow, really? I mean, it's like 2am in the morning and he wants to call you back? How did you respond to his question? Are you going to let him know you're awake so he can call you back? Or would you rather talk to him tomorrow?

 

I think he really wanted to take you out, but because you didn't answer his call earlier (and because he didn't let you know about his plans EARLIER than then), he lost out on that opportunity. Idk...he seems pretty interested in you IMO! Are you still interested in him?

 

 

 

.

[katiegrl]

After I posted my update he called again. It was a very confusing conversation. To me it was.

 

When I picked up he said: Where were you? ((really? where I was?)) then he went on saying he wanted to take me to a concert tonight but I didn't call back so he went with a friend. He was coming out of the show when he called me back.

 

I said I would have liked to know about it ahead of time. He did not reply anything, he was driving, his friend was next to him, they were talking together then he was talking to me, there was no point of me addressing his disappearance.

 

He asked if I was going to bed soon cause he'd like to call back.

 

Thank you for clarifying everything Gaeta....

 

Re his disappearance, how long did he disappear for? If you say three weeks, then I am convinced now that there must be some book out there that tells guys to disappear for three weeks, then return... cause he would be like the third guy to pull this three-week crap, then return. Uncanny!

 

By the way, have you had sex with him yet? God, I hope he did not disappear as some "test."

 

Keep us posted!

[Versacehottie]

I know it sounds bad the way I've presented it but it's just really about dating someone looking different than what I usually go for. In terms of education, professional accomplishment, career and travel-wise I am dating up with him.

 

I hate to point out the obvious and sure someone already has. Fairly sure that at a certain point with any guy (anyone really), good looks draw them in but if the rest isn't there to back it up, they don't stay interested. And I agree if someone felt like the other person felt superior to them, it would lose it's appeal real quick.

 

Not saying you are OP but wondering if you are characterizing things as such here maybe you are putting that vibe out to the dates that are beneath you.

 

You can't expect good looks to carry you through the whole relationship. And desperation is desperation. Someone who deemed a guy as "less than" because they thought that would make him a lock for her new bf is still going to have a desperate or circle trying to fit into a square vibe at some point. Plus all the qualities you say the guys have: education, professional accomplishment etc usually signifies that they are relatively smart so maybe they are not so easily bamboozled.

 

I think a better strategy for you OP would be to date guys, as a package, that you feel are about equal to you. I also have a feeling if they are educated, accomplished guys then most of those guys DO date good looking women so that puts you in their "normal" range of the women they date and they are going to be evaluating the other things significantly as well.

[h0000]

I also didn't understand why they'd tell me "I could do better" instead of treating me better. Or why they would cheat and be unappreciative. .

 

If you are "out of his league" and he knows it, he will think "I am just shsst. Why the hell is she with me?" and he can start behaving very funny. Like being a jerk.

Or, he doesn't appreciate you "lower your league to be with him" because he thinks you choose him because you can't do better.

[lgspot]

Gaeta,

Only my opinion, but whole situation sounds disrespectful to me. If I'm interested in a lady, as a man I'm going to show her more curtesy than you're being shown.

 

If I was making calls and conversation like that (and I have), it would be looking for a hookup and not the type of interaction with someone I was romancing.

There are many, many guys out there that will treat you better. You're wasting your time with men like this......

 

You were right when this started---he is beneath you.

And I'm not talking about looks.........

 

After I posted my update he called again. It was a very confusing conversation. To me it was.

 

When I picked up he said: Where were you? ((really? where I was?)) then he went on saying he wanted to take me to a concert tonight but I didn't call back so he went with a friend. He was coming out of the show when he called me back.

 

I said I would have liked to know about it ahead of time. He did not reply anything, he was driving, his friend was next to him, they were talking together then he was talking to me, there was no point of me addressing his disappearance.

 

He asked if I was going to bed soon cause he'd like to call back.

[GemmaUK]

I'm confused.

So, he didn't dump you then.

Sounds like he just didn't text you since you got back from your holiday.

How long was he out of contact for?

 

Was he much into texting before your holiday or would he usually call?

[Candygirljane]

Op u should try to be more confident about urself and u don't have to see someone if u don't like him. Go workout and spend more time on makeup. Trust me guys will hit u up and u will find the right one��

Edited July 19, 2015 by Candygirljane

[regine_phalange]

Up and down are subjective. I have given a chance to a couple of people I wasn't absolutely physically attracted to in the beginning. Well, I guess they "dated down" too because they were the ones who were critical of my appearance the most. I wasn't dumped, but the conclusion is that they weren't appreciative. I had a lot better luck with dating "up".

[Brigit_1]

After I posted my update he called again. It was a very confusing conversation. To me it was.

 

When I picked up he said: Where were you? ((really? where I was?)) then he went on saying he wanted to take me to a concert tonight but I didn't call back so he went with a friend. He was coming out of the show when he called me back.

 

I said I would have liked to know about it ahead of time. He did not reply anything, he was driving, his friend was next to him, they were talking together then he was talking to me, there was no point of me addressing his disappearance.

 

He asked if I was going to bed soon cause he'd like to call back.

 

He sounds weird. I get creepy vibes from him.

[candie13]

I have given a chance to a couple of people I wasn't absolutely physically attracted to in the beginning.

 

guilty of that as well. You know what happened? if you start low and you discover a nice person, you're going to like him and your interest will go up. As for him, he already likes you a lot and feels your lack of interest, so he is really guarded - but he is already really high at liking you. If you start at 100%, it can only go down after that... and as your interest increases and theirs decreases, guess who's got the upper hand in the relationship ?!?

 

Ok, here are some rules of my own: if I don't really like him, if I don't really feel attracted to him, I will not date him, no matter how sweet and dependable he looks. Because I would be compromising only because I want a relationship. I've learnt that the HARD way with the last guy I dated.

 

-----------

 

on you and your dude: there are a few scenarios:

 

1. he has a low self esteem and freaked out when he read your nice messages. However, he is so self absorbed by his own feelings of low self worth that he finds it ok to treat you like crap because of it - when he is down. And when his self esteem gets better, he comes back like a flower, no excuses or regrets or apologies. I have dated that type for 10 months, I should have left after the second month if I was smart, or after month 6, if I was reasonable. My conclusion about this sort of people in general: everybody goes through sh*t, but that doesn't entitle anyone to treat their partners poorly. Him disappearing on you is disrespectful. NO. HE will do it again, you will be more involved and he will make you feel worse. You have been warned.

 

2. he knows he is a good catch - professionally - and another woman happened to him. Tried dating her briefly, it didn't work out, now he's back to a safer choice

 

3. if you've already slept with him, he may keep you as a sex friend - you know, like a guy who has 2-3-4 girls on a ringer that he sees regularly - aka when it suits him.

 

None of the above is good news. Do the grown up thing and ignore his arse from now on . It's not about an explanation, his behavior simply is inexcusable. I don't allow anyone to treat me that way. Off my list. Next

[LookAtThisPOst]

Every time I have dated down, look wise, THEY ended up dumping me. I don't understand this phenomena. You do?

 

I met this man a few weeks ago, I thought he was so-so. He was too tall, too thin, his teeth needed some work, he only wore running shoes etc, Anyway, I decided to give it a few dates and to my surprise he grew on me! Then HE dumps me!! lol

 

Every single time I gave a shot to a man I felt 'I can do better' he ended up dumping me, what's up with that?

 

There's no correlation between dating down and the fact that they dumped you. There's no cause and effect here. One isn't the result of the other.

 

I have a couple of male friends that say they won't date Hispanic women because from their experience of dating them, they are all ill-tempered (from their perspective). Though I would imagine ALL Hispanic women are not ill-tempered.

 

Or some women that use the excuse of NOT dating short men, not because they don't find them attractive, but because they are insecure/ Napoleon complex.

 

It's like they are attempting to look for a more rational reason that the REAL reason not to date these people.

[Redhead14]

No no no not at all, those numbers thrown around 100-150 or more mean the numbers of coffee dates I went on. Lots of them I didn't want to see again, maybe a third of those turned into a 3-4 dates, and only a couple turned into exclusive short relationships from 3 to 6 months.

 

Its still too many in the sense that it clouds the issues. If you are "flooding" yourself with "dates", its difficult to be able to be objective and focused because its overwhelming and you are shutting down somewhat anyway. If its too tangled, you cant see things clearly.

 

Not only that, you struggle with your picker. Meanwhile it appears that you have no picker at all or your picker is overwhelmed and being confused and noy filtering the way it should be.

 

Slow down a little on the dating. Give yourself time to breathe. You come here with a lot of new dating partners and go through analyzing and active thinking about details too. Sit back and observe the ones you are seeing now. Stick with just seeing one or two for at a time without adding new "coffee"dates and introducing more to the pack. Give yourself the opportunity to be objective and focused.

[ZA Dater]

The other problem of trying to date down is you are probably always going to want something better than what you have.

[Redhead14]

No no no not at all, those numbers thrown around 100-150 or more mean the numbers of coffee dates I went on. Lots of them I didn't want to see again, maybe a third of those turned into a 3-4 dates, and only a couple turned into exclusive short relationships from 3 to 6 months.

 

And usually when someone says, No, no, no, its really just one big yes. Thou dost protest too loudly . You are minimizing the issue by making a distinction. Too many is too many.

[candie13]

it's even easier than that, it just came to me. if you date down, you're more or less already sold on the "relationship". You think you are choosing safety and security - because you think the other person is making a better deal than you are, hence they won't leave.

 

Wrong ! They are unsure, they are still evaluating you, they are really careful because they have their own insecurities and you to handle, whereas you've already "bought" the RS - that's the whole purpose of dating "down", aint it?. So... take a wild guess, who's more likely to get hurt, from the moment the two start going out, he who's careful and looks twice or he who blindly throws himself in the RS ?

[Redhead14]

Thank you for clarifying everything Gaeta....

 

Re his disappearance, how long did he disappear for? If you say three weeks, then I am convinced now that there must be some book out there that tells guys to disappear for three weeks, then return... cause he would be like the third guy to pull this three-week crap, then return. Uncanny!

 

By the way, have you had sex with him yet? God, I hope he did not disappear as some "test."

 

Keep us posted!

 

This happens all the time. They disappear and come back when others they are trying to date arent working out but feel like shes a sure thing so they go back when they need a fix for their bruised ego or hoping for sex. If they thin k they havent burnt that bridge and disappeared while he thought she was still into him enough, he'll try again when he hits a dry spell.

[Itspointless]

Wrong ! They are unsure, they are still evaluating you, they are really careful because they have their own insecurities and you to handle, whereas you've already "bought" the RS - that's the whole purpose of dating "down", aint it?

Wrong again. It is only dating down if the other has no self-worth or love and feels like: 'oh she really must be dating down with me'.

 

She probably gave vibes being emotionally-unavailable.

[candie13]

She probably gave vibes being emotionally-unavailable.

 

while sending him "i miss your kisses and eveything else" texts ? it's not her, it's him. She wants to see the guy, however many teeth he might be missing

 

I'm not the one to point out insecurities immediately, but dating a person out of your league can be stressful for most people - unless he can largely overcompensate in other areas - be a wild success professionally, lots of cash, outrageously gifted in bed

[Gaeta]

Wow, really? I mean, it's like 2am in the morning and he wants to call you back? How did you respond to his question? Are you going to let him know you're awake so he can call you back? Or would you rather talk to him tomorrow?

 

I think he really wanted to take you out, but because you didn't answer his call earlier (and because he didn't let you know about his plans EARLIER than then), he lost out on that opportunity. Idk...he seems pretty interested in you IMO! Are you still interested in him?

 

I posted this at 2am but he called back at midnight and asked if he could call back. I went to bed at 2am. We got in the habit of talking late at night He knows it's ok to call before midnight

 

.I grew into him, yes I am still interested but I am not sure of the conditions under which I am accepting now. It doesn't feel right to me.

[Gaeta]

Thank you for clarifying everything Gaeta....

 

Re his disappearance, how long did he disappear for? If you say three weeks, then I am convinced now that there must be some book out there that tells guys to disappear for three weeks, then return... cause he would be like the third guy to pull this three-week crap, then return. Uncanny!

 

By the way, have you had sex with him yet? God, I hope he did not disappear as some "test."

 

Keep us posted!

 

He disappeared about 3 days. A couple of days at the end of my vacations, the day of my return not a peep out of him even though he knew I was driving 10 hours back on my own. That night I gave it another shot and text him I was back. Nothing from him either. Then the following day he calls at 7pm to go to a concert.

 

Yes we had sex on our 3rd date. He stays over night each time and leaves around noon the following day. It felt like he wanted to be around me.

[Redhead14]

I posted this at 2am but he called back at midnight and asked if he could call back. I went to bed at 2am. We got in the habit of talking late at night He knows it's ok to call before midnight

 

.I grew into him, yes I am still interested but I am not sure of the conditions under which I am accepting now. It doesn't feel right to me.

 

"It doesn't feel right to me". -- right there, hit stop. Sit with that feeling. Dont think about him at all for a little bit.

 

That is what you focus on. Tune out the "mechanics" for a bit. It doesnt matter how he's been doing things for the moment. The only thing st this moment is how ths guy is making you feel.

 

Allow yourself to feel things in the moment. Process it and co tine to observe how many times he makes you feel that way. Doing this early in the process will allow you to "figure out" things earlier and thus minimiing the potential for heart break.

 

After youve done this, then reflect on the things he done to associate cause and effect.

 

Him calling you late at night at this stage, whether you think you are ok with that is irrelevant. Dont set the stage for accepting bad behavior in the beginning. Make boundaries and observe whether he respects thm. If you were at a point where the relationship was on its feet, then, sure late night sweetheart calls are fine if you are ok with it.

[Itspointless]

while sending him "i miss your kisses and eveything else" texts ? it's not her, it's him. She wants to see the guy, however many teeth he might be missing

Yes, sounds funny doesn't it. But those people are around us: missing us when we are not there, wishing us to go away and aloof when we are with them.

I'm not the one to point out insecurities immediately, but dating a person out of your league can be stressful for most people - unless he can largely overcompensate in other areas - be a wild success professionally, lots of cash, outrageously gifted in bed

Yes it can, it really depends on the person you are with if it is a problem or not. Success can be defined in many departments of our lives.

[Redhead14]

He disappeared about 3 days. A couple of days at the end of my vacations, the day of my return not a peep out of him even though he knew I was driving 10 hours back on my own. That night I gave it another shot and text him I was back. Nothing from him either. Then the following day he calls at 7pm to go to a concert.

 

Yes we had sex on our 3rd date. He stays over night each time and leaves around noon the following day. It felt like he wanted to be around me.

 

Gaeta, you know you would tell another woman that last minute dates this early is not cool. This is another boundary to establish for yourself.

 

And staying til noon doesn't show you he wants to be around you. Calling and setting up consistent proper dates does. Staying til noon is waiting to see if youll have sex again before he has to leave or he just needs his morning coffee to get going each day

[Gaeta]

He did not call back an hour later. I am not impressed. He tells me he can't read me and he can't tell if I'm into it with him and when I allow myself some vulnerability I get this.

[Itspointless]

He tells me he can't read me and he can't tell if I'm into it with him and when I allow myself some vulnerability I get this.

Let that not discourage you, you two apparently had a different pace. Vulnerability is key though.