Your experience with Dating down ?

[Gaeta]

Whether he's attractive to her or not, if he's showing interest, she tries to fit herself into it.

 

That is untrue. I met plenty of men that gave me their whole attention but I was not interested in them and I did not pursue.

[Redhead14]

I don't want to date someone that doesn't treat me right. I am just trying to put the emphasis on the fact I did not dismiss him on his looks like many seem to think. He dismissed me.

 

How many regular Joe Blow come on here complaining they can't get the attention of a nice decent woman? Well he got my attention and look what he did with it.

 

 

Well he got my attention and look what he did with it. -- Right, he didn't know how to treat what he had. And, it doesn't matter now. That's what should be important to you. He didn't do what he needed to do for you. But, you are still here, searching answers about what you did or didn't do right, etc. so you can figure out how to mold yourself for other dating potential. Just be yourself, if you can figure that out

 

Sure, looks can grow on a woman but that really only happens because the man was doing everything right for her. It was his behavior and the way he treated her that made him become more attractive to her physically. You

decided to overlook his looks, they didn't grow on you because he was awesome.

[katiegrl]

Katie, you overblown everything I said 10 as an example. A 10 or a 9 or an 8-7-6, doesn't matter.

 

 

***No matter where I am in the scale of attractiveness, when I met him I felt I could do better in terms of looks. That's something you cannot judge as you have not seen him. ***

 

 

When I showed his picture to my daughter she said really mom? Just accept my word on it, on first impression I could do better.

 

Second, it's not about settling, not about dating beneath me, I said somewhere in this thread that if I had a choice over anyone I met so far I would pick HIM because even though I felt I could do better at first I REALLY grew into him and right now he is very attractive-hot-endearing to me.

 

Quote above in asterisk......

 

Gaeta, he could have looked like Godzilla's great-granddad (to me and maybe even to others), and I could be the most gorgeous super model on the planet, my thought process still would NEVER EVER be "I can do better."

 

It would be, "I" am not attracted to him, so I will continue my search.

 

Thinking you can do "better" suggests you think you *are* better ..... and in my world NO ONE is "better* than anyone else, we are all just *different,* with a combination of traits and characteristics that will appeal to some but not others.

 

IMO, someone thinking they are better or can "do better" is a very arrogant way to think, and suggests an air of superiority, but you are not getting that apparently, so I will stop trying to explain it to you.

 

And if a man had created this thread. I would say the same thing to him....

Edited July 21, 2015 by katiegrl

[LookAtThisPOst]

A lot of people tend to attempt to date those that aren't equivalent to them in appearance.

 

Like an overweight person trying to date an in-shape, tall dark and handsome, washboard ab kind of person, yet they ignore their bald, shorter equivalent.

 

Some people need to realize who their dating equivalent is.

[Gaeta]

Quote above in asterisk......

 

Gaeta, he could have looked like Godzilla's great-granddad (to me and maybe even to others), and I could be the most gorgeous super model on the planet, my thought process still would NEVER EVER be "I can do better."

 

It would be, "I" am not attracted to him, so I will continue my search.

 

Thinking you can do "better" suggests you think you *are* better ..... and in my world NO ONE is "better* than anyone else, we are all just *different,* with a combination of traits and characteristics that will appeal to some but not others.

 

IMO, someone thinking they are better or can "do better" is a very arrogant way to think, and suggests an air of superiority, but you are not getting that apparently, so I will stop trying to explain it to you.

 

And if a man had created this thread. I would say the same thing to him....

 

Like I said, I will not use that expression again. You guys know exactly what I am referring to and the few first pages you all stick to the question at hand but then, when the thread is about to end and not much is happening, you chose to go all righteous and semantic on me. You've read me often enough to know I am not arrogant and I have dated men of all looks and social status.

[katiegrl]

Like I said, I will not use that expression again. You guys know exactly what I am referring to and the few first pages you all stick to the question at hand but then, when the thread is about to end and not much is happening, you chose to go all righteous and semantic on me. You've read me often enough to know I am not arrogant and I have dated men of all looks and social status.

 

And you know me well enough to know that I don't get all righteous and semantic on you or anyone just because I am bored with a thread.

 

 

My opinion and attitude changed because I sensed a different attitude from you in later posts, which confused me and wanted to bring to your attention so you could clarify.

 

 

That's all....

 

 

As always wish you the best in your dating journeys....

[Vintage79]

I don't know what to tell you. When I met him I felt I could do better in terms of looks. I didn't dump him, I went ahead and kept dating him and the fact I kept on going on dates with an open mind, with someone that's not a 10, makes me shallow arrogant and gives me an air of superiority. Ok then. I am told every day of the week on here to stop aiming at hot, when I do it I come across as arrogant.

 

It's not that you're wanting to date hot people that makes you come across as arrogant, it's that you think you're better than the people you're trying to date that does (I.e. The entire dating down question)

[Walters]

You did not post that you are having difficulty with his looks, you came in here and said that you can’t believe somebody who is not on your level dumped you. This statement:

 

Every time I have dated down, look wise, THEY ended up dumping me. I don't understand this phenomena. You do?

 

I met this man a few weeks ago, I thought he was so-so. He was too tall, too thin, his teeth needed some work, he only wore running shoes etc, Anyway, I decided to give it a few dates and to my surprise he grew on me! Then HE dumps me!! lol

 

Every single time I gave a shot to a man I felt 'I can do better' he ended up dumping me, what's up with that?

 

Reads this way:

 

“Every time I have dated somebody who is not on my level look wise, they end up dumping me. I don’t understand why giving a man a shot at something out of his league would do this, do you?”

 

To me you are saying that men that are a “step down” for you should not dump you, however they should worship you because let’s face it, you are way out of there league. Perhaps this is not your intention but you post 100% reads this way and people are being offended by the perceived high horse attitude.

 

Other threads about guys having a hard time with woman not meeting their standards are not portraying a non-belief that their other half is not bending to their will because of some superiority.

 

Again, it may not be your intention, but the wording is there.

Edited July 21, 2015 by Walters

[Gaeta]

You did not post that you are having difficulty with his looks, you came in here and said that you can’t believe somebody who is not on your level dumped you. This statement:

 

 

 

Reads this way:

 

“Every time I have dated somebody who is not on my level look wise, they end up dumping me. I don’t understand why giving a man a shot at something out of his league would do this, do you?”

 

To me you are saying that men that are a “step down” for you should not dump you, however they should worship you because let’s face it, you are way out of there league. Perhaps this is not your intention but you post 100% reads this way and people are being offended by the perceived high horse attitude.

 

Other threads about guys having a hard time with woman not meeting their standards are not portraying a non-belief that there other half is not bending to their will because of some superiority.

 

Again, it may not be your intention, but the wording is there.

 

Ok, I admit finally You're right.

 

In this thread I have demonstrated a lot of arrogance even though it's not my character. I've spit in the air and it bounced back in my face. I am disappointed he dumped me so I am paying for it.

[carhill]

So, what can be learned from this interaction?

 

Personally, I think it's fine and healthy to feel disappointed. That accepted, we have choices in how we express our disappointment. No doubt, dating can sometimes suck. Heh!

[Redhead14]

Ok, I admit finally You're right.

 

In this thread I have demonstrated a lot of arrogance even though it's not my character. I've spit in the air and it bounced back in my face. I am disappointed he dumped me so I am paying for it.

 

Sure, "I dated him and he wasn't attractive. He should have definitely stay with me because who else would date him? When he stopped seeing her, that was a blow to the ego. He should be desperate enough to stick with me".

 

This thread is not about looks, it's about dating desperate people. However, desperate people will attract desperate people. In these cases, it's a matter of who is less desperate and knows what they want in a dating partner and continues to seek what they want regardless of whether they are attractive or not.

[Gaeta]

Sure, "I dated him and he wasn't attractive. He should have definitely stay with me because who else would date him? When he stopped seeing her, that was a blow to the ego. He should be desperate enough to stick with me".

 

Who said that? Don't put words in my mouth I haven't said.

 

He's not desperate and plenty of women will date him. He is NOT ugly or unattractive. You're pushing it.

[Redhead14]

Who said that? Don't put words in my mouth I haven't said.

 

He's not desperate and plenty of women will date him. He is NOT ugly or unattractive. You're pushing it.

 

You agreed with Walters post . . . it's another spin on it which comes out to the same point. 100 - 150 dating partners is also another sign of desperation and switching preferences and, and, and . . . and, still posting about how to date men and what is or isn't happening. With that much experience, you're not learning much.

 

If you're dating that many guys, where's the YOU time? What are you doing for yourself that makes you happy. And, if you're finding a lot of them on OLD/internet, that's a lot of time spent combing through profiles and IMing, emailing, texting.

 

A woman needs to know how to make herself happy and be happy with herself. A man should only enhance her happiness, not bring it ALL to her. That's a lot of work. When she's done that, she's clear in her head about what she wants and knows how to be selective, and knows what does or doesn't work for her.

 

You've had so much experience and yet, you still focus on them and what's in there heads, etc. It doesn't matter what's in THEIR heads. If they are dating you properly, there isn't all this going on anyway. When they don't date you properly, you move on and leave it there.

[GemmaUK]

That is untrue. I met plenty of men that gave me their whole attention but I was not interested in them and I did not pursue.

 

I've been coming back to have a read of this and have been thinking about it.

 

Can I sort of re-phrase what Redhead said? Well I'm gonna anyway!

I think you see something in a guy that you like - a quality - clearly in this case it was the quality.

His quality was that he was kind and considerate to others around you - that was what made you like him - you posted it yourself and it happened on date #3.

 

So, thinking about what I saw of your other thread about him you and he are actually not really compatible - not sexually anyway. Not if you are really really honest with yourself.

 

With this guy it's like you have focused on that he is kind and considerate towards others and that is the 'why you want him'.

It is a good trait in a person but you have to weigh it up with other traits and habits too.

 

I am aware but don't know any details of your marriage and this will/may seem like a total tangent but did you ever read up (yes read up and have a point of reference) rather than maybe go to therapy after your marriage?

I don't even know if you had any therapy after your marriage by the way.

I am simply going on what I remember you have posted.

I am asking because I could be of help.

I also know what being told you are intimidating/unaffectionate/aloof/blah is like. I have also been in a RS that was controlling, manipulative and abusive - my worst issue with it was that I was not at all used to it therefore I called out or thought it was a joke - this made things worse because he needed to enforce control much more often as I never gave in. He was ridiculously unreasonable always but it would kick off every 48 hours.

His good trait was also being seen to be very kind and considerate to people..but um....not with his family or not with major players in his family - it took me several months to learn this.

 

I am going to simply ignore the dating down argument that is going on here.

Gaeta posts and initial Q and the story fills out.

This is how she posts and I know that as I have seen it time and again. It's the reason I usually wait a few posts to reply to get a bigger picture. There's nothing wrong with it in the sense that we all initially feel a feeling/have a thought post it.

 

End of post - so my question is have you done some reading - point of reference reading re: your marriage?

If you want to take this off here and PM me then feel free but I may go away and think before I reply - cos I just do! If you do PM me give me a few details about your marriage so that I have a bit to work with - not the end result but the early stages - how it started and the first few years. In other words the stuff that you have probably forgotten. Try to recall some of it.

[Versacehottie]

I think one simple way to think of whoever you (general you) choose to date is that it is a binary decision to accept the first date. (and each time you consider moving each step forward). Green light or red light. Yes or no.

 

If there are conditions or accommodations you've made to be on the date, you shouldn't be there.

 

You must see potential of some sort in the person. It's the positivity of what a person could be and you're excited to discover and what you like that you do see that should be the motivating force to be on the date. Otherwise as someone (redhead?) said one person is caving to their desperation, which is usually the kiss of death no matter what the other person looks like.

 

Also while physical appearance is usually toward the top of guys (and girls) lists of what attracts them to someone, it's not even close to the totality of the qualities of why people choose to be/stay in relationships with each other. You could weight your list with looks being a priority, but it doesn't mean the person you are dating chooses partners with the same qualities in mind and same ordering of priorities. Look at couples walking on the street. Sometimes the looks are not in perfect balance. Actually a lot of the time.

[autumnnight]

If there are conditions or accommodations you've made to be on the date, you shouldn't be there.

 

The above statement stuck out to me, and not just because it was bold.

 

There is so much truth in this. Accommodations for dating will become accommodations within a relationship...then accommodations in a marriage....and then you're more than a decade into a marriage where you are starving, neglected, unloved, and invisible wondering what the heck happened?

 

What happened was that first, "Well, maybe THIS will eventually be okay...."

 

Take it from a former accommodator

[Gaeta]

About my marriage.

 

I was 17 when I met him. He was my first kiss and first boyfriend. I was young and innocent and in love with a uniform. I was raised Catholic and we marry for life. I endure it because of my sacred vows. Finally I matured as a woman and threw the bad marriage out and my Catholic upbringing.

 

I did go to 2-3 therapy sessions afterward and all the therapist was interested in was to dig in my relationship with my father to explain my bad marriage. My father has nothing to do with my abusive ex. I have never ever heard my father raised his voice at us kid or at our mom. He adored my mother and still does after 51 years of marriage.

 

Also, I left that marriage in 1998. That's 17 years ago. The man is dead now. I want to leave it alone.

[Redhead14]

About my marriage.

 

I was 17 when I met him. He was my first kiss and first boyfriend. I was young and innocent and in love with a uniform. I was raised Catholic and we marry for life. I endure it because of my sacred vows. Finally I matured as a woman and threw the bad marriage out and my Catholic upbringing.

 

I did go to 2-3 therapy sessions afterward and all the therapist was interested in was to dig in my relationship with my father to explain my bad marriage. My father has nothing to do with my abusive ex. I have never ever heard my father raised his voice at us kid or at our mom. He adored my mother and still does after 51 years of marriage.

 

Also, I left that marriage in 1998. That's 17 years ago. The man is dead now. I want to leave it alone.

 

My father has nothing to do with my abusive ex -- a persons childhood history has a huge impact as an adult sometimes. Your therapist would have gone into all your close relationships at some point. There are things that children need from each parent. And, just because he never raised his voice to his family, it doesn't mean he was everything you needed in a father. Simple things, like a dad who is working all the time or too busy to read to you or whatever. It's just a matter of how those things affected you as an individual. You say he adored your mother . . . was he equally as adoring to you? There's no harm in exploring all that. In order for therapy to be effective, you need to be able to be open and honest and sometimes face things are a difficult or even pushed down and forgotten about. It's uncomfortable for sure, but it does get easier.

 

If you've been with an abusive partner, it's really important to go through therapy. There are affects that are "trapped" in you after that that affect so many aspects of a persons life.

 

You want to leave it alone, but I suspect it isn't leaving you alone.

[GemmaUK]

About my marriage.

 

I was 17 when I met him. He was my first kiss and first boyfriend. I was young and innocent and in love with a uniform. I was raised Catholic and we marry for life. I endure it because of my sacred vows. Finally I matured as a woman and threw the bad marriage out and my Catholic upbringing.

 

I did go to 2-3 therapy sessions afterward and all the therapist was interested in was to dig in my relationship with my father to explain my bad marriage. My father has nothing to do with my abusive ex. I have never ever heard my father raised his voice at us kid or at our mom. He adored my mother and still does after 51 years of marriage.

 

Also, I left that marriage in 1998. That's 17 years ago. The man is dead now. I want to leave it alone.

 

I totally understand, however there are things you could glean from it.

There is a particular book I have read that may guide you in that 'imaginary sister' way that I have mentioned before.

 

Are you open to learning?

I was the one who suggested questioning things more - and you did.

I think you could gain from some knowledge if you would give yourself a friggin' break and let what happened be present for a while - then you can know what and what not to question.

 

If you are open to learning then you have a road, without that you have a cul de sac.

 

xx

[readynow]

I'm very confused as to why Gaeta is being harassed for saying she dated down or that the guy wasn't a 10. We all accept and reject people for different reasons and the guy reserved the right to dump her too. You might choose not to see people's looks, but does she have to? Why does she have to think the way YOU do in order to be right?

 

I don't judge by looks and perhaps unfortunately, I judge by achievement and character and I could never fall for a guy who's a 10 but had a lazy mind. So I may be a bad person in your books but looks are nothing to me. I was brought up to see things differently. Why can't we be different?

 

I personally don't see why she keeps dating men who aren't that into her or why she has to waste her time with so many of them. I think she would benefit from taking 6months off dating completely and read Why Men Love Bitches or The Rules or any other over-the-top book like those to reset herself.

 

She is not wrong for thinking someone is not on her level. Maybe she's not on his level and he's found a nicer, easier and uncomplicated woman. No biggie.

 

Gaeta, quit saying 'I'll never use that phrase again'. It's a free world, use whatever phrase you like to express yourself. That's why you're here.

[readynow]

Answer to the post, 'Your experience with dating down'.

 

I dated down once (not looks-wise), he was less educated, less travelled, less open. Perhaps he wanted to tear me down on some level but he was emotionally abusive, neglectful and selfish. I was determined to make it work so I stuck with it and kept sinking deeper and deeper into despair. I was young and rebellious and just plain stupid. I gave him all my money, dropped out of my second degree, abandoned all my friends to cater for his needs.

 

I learnt to always look up.

 

Find someone comfortably on your level. Maybe he wasn't comfortable with you.

[Versacehottie]

@readynow most of us are saying that she shouldn't have been on the date initially if she felt that she was dating down or doing the guy a favor by being there. He disappeared/faded on her, changed his tune on her, so obviously he didn't feel like he was dating up, no matter what her own impression was. Some of the responses (including my own) have been tough love. I think most of us want to see her succeed overall though. I wholeheartedly believe with an attitude that your S.O. is beneath you, you won't succeed.

 

I think your personal situation is different in that you discovered the person you were with in spite of being on a level playfield to begin with did not turn out to be who you had hoped. But you started out hopeful. All of us are individuals so we are all different and going to "rank" higher in some areas vs the person we are dating. But if you feel that you are better in a way than the other person, as in the sum of their parts, does make them equally exciting, you shouldn't be on the date.

[Gaeta]

However, it is true that men, in general, prefer youth. I've said to gaeta many times that she needs to up the age of men she dates. Maybe she dated here and there a man that is a little older than her but the great majority are younger and a few her age. I think she'd benefit from upping that age to up to 10 years older. And even then, it's still difficult as the market at this age is invaded by men with avoidant style/commitment issues. Also, she has herpes, which is another roadblock. I'd go older, definitely. And focus on character traits exclusively.

 

There is NO freakin way I am dating 59 yo men and up. Also hsv is much more accepted in younger men than older men. For men 50 and up hsv is like the plague and it will kill them. Younger generation are more educated and familiar with it and often I don't even need to explain anything to them they know already.

[BluEyeL]

I said "up to 59", not "59 and up". Of course, your choice, but given the statistics, your experience, the demographics and preferences of men, it may work better for you.

 

Sure, you may date tomorrow a guy who is, say, 55 and he can still dump you, but I don't think you'd need to date 150 men in that age range to find one that would be good for you. I believe you'd have better chances.

[Leigh 87]

I have dated down.

 

It never worked.

 

If anything, the guys appreciated my above average looks less than the hotties.