Your experience with Dating down ?

[GemmaUK]

100% agree Katie.

I have to say..for this subject and intimacy that film is - well - it does it!

Simon Pegg is amazing in it and I blubbed! Lol!

 

Memories of my Dad and everyone who I cared/care about are sending happy round my mind. :

 

If I don't get 'happy' or an 'up' feeling in a new dating scenario then I won't let that deal last a moment longer than it's worth.

 

I don't want plastic and I don't want rules, I want a connection - it beats everything. Give yourself up a little and usually he will too.

A while later you find out whether your core values match.

If they don't then any connection wasn't real.

[Itspointless]

In his notebook he just wrote down #11. Loving is listening.

Most people think they listen, but they do not. Listening is a skill (the hardest). Understanding is really feeling the words resonate within you and checking if what you understood resonates with their feelings. Somehow in real life I meet people who - even on the streets - tell me their life-stories. But I have become careful with listening, many people just use you if you do. Some of those encounters really are special though, as strange people tell their most inner thoughts.

[compulsivedancer]

i have dated down with socioeconomics a lot, and same thing, i've had some dirt poor dudes dump me and i'm baffled. it could be simple incompatibility, but i also think a part of it comes from a place of insecurity - they know they can't compete with better looks or more money, or whatever it is you have that they don't. if it's a glaring difference of looks or money, they know, and feel it, and it cripples the relationship, even if it's not voiced.

 

Sometimes it's also a difference in values. I had friends who were a couple. She was a free spirit who couldn't keep a job and just wanted to be loved, and he was a workaholic who never gave her any attention.

 

Yes, she needs a guy to take care of her, but she's just as happy to have it be the guy that works at the grocery store and has plenty of time for her and showers her with love.

 

He was working his ass off at his 50+ hours a week with a daily 1 hour commute and a full-time college schedule and never had time for her or expressed affection for her. He thought working his ass off for her showed his love. It didn't.

 

I'm not saying she's a winner herself, just that the two of them had very different values in life, and she didn't care about his money, just his time. He couldn't figure out why it wasn't enough.

[GemmaUK]

Most people think they listen, but they do not. Listening is a skill (the hardest). Understanding is really feeling the words resonate within you and checking if what you understood resonates with their feelings. Somehow in real life I meet people who - even on the streets - tell me their life-stories. But I have become careful with listening, many people just use you if you do. Some of those encounters really are special though, as strange people tell their most inner thoughts.

 

Some of those encounters are just unforgettable and they can be with anyone. With a partner they are crucial to being in a loving and lasting healthy relationship though.

[Itspointless]

Some of those encounters are just unforgettable and they can be with anyone. With a partner they are crucial to being in a loving and lasting healthy relationship though.

Yes, it is crucial.

[Gaeta]

At 11h this morning I texted him I had waited for his call last night. He replied: Sorry beautiful (he never called me that before) I will call you as soon as I am out of bed. Kisses (first time he puts kisses at end of message)

 

It's 6h pm and nothing from him.

 

It feels like he is constantly doing 'pull and push' lgspot Identified that a while ago, I didn't see it back then but I definitely see it now.

 

I have accepted a date with someone else for tomorrow night. I think it's the right thing to do. I am too invested for what I am getting back from him.

[lgspot]

I just tried to reply, and lost two long posts to this thread so I'm a bit frustrated at that and also frustrated because you are such an intelligent woman missing what is so obvious…

This guy is a snake oil peddler.

 

Gaeta,

 

I'm a very good judge of my fellow man.

With this guy, my jerk radar has been going off from the beginning.

As someone else posted, I also have a “creepy” vibe.

 

I've been up all night and am too tired to even begin to rewrite the other posts, but will make a quick point just to demonstrate a lack of character as I’ve seen it….

 

Point: If a lady I care about is on the road for 10 hours alone---I WILL BE CHECKING ON HER!!!! Any decent man would. A half a$$ed suitor should have….

 

If you are looking for a man of substance, this individual is not it.

 

A wise woman once told me, that relationships are like baking a cake. You have to start with the right ingredients. Sorry. With this type guy, you’re always short an ingredient.

 

I agree with so much that’s been written….

Gaeta--Posters have made some great points about relationships, intimacy, and men.

 

Gemma almost had me blubbering with the movie and talk of her dad. Had me thinking of my dad. His birthday was yesterday and I‘m missing him.

There are lots of good men like Gemma’s dad and my father.

I hope you’ll find one soon…

You deserve better than you've been getting.

 

I still concur with the thread’s subject---in this case you are dating down.

 

 

Hmmmmm. On intimacy.

Just staying til noon the next day is not intimacy.

[candie13]

At 11h this morning I texted him I had waited for his call last night. He replied: Sorry beautiful (he never called me that before) I will call you as soon as I am out of bed. Kisses (first time he puts kisses at end of message)

 

It's 6h pm and nothing from him.

 

It feels like he is constantly doing 'pull and push' lgspot Identified that a while ago, I didn't see it back then but I definitely see it now.

 

I have accepted a date with someone else for tomorrow night. I think it's the right thing to do. I am too invested for what I am getting back from him.

 

i'm sorry to hear about this... I strongly advise you to do exactly that: DISAPPEAR. Really. Not blocking, not deleting. nope. Disappearing.

 

Bad thing is you've overinflated his ego. Good news is he will come back for more, after a while. SILENCE. Watch him carefully and watch his moves. If you want to win, you have to do NOTHING. You will have fun, trust me.

[Gaeta]

 

Point: If a lady I care about is on the road for 10 hours alone---I WILL BE CHECKING ON HER!!!! Any decent man would. A half a$$ed suitor should have….

 

When I told him I was leaving he sounded so concerned, he called and checked on me several times till I got there.

 

Something happened mid-week, I felt a shift, maybe he met someone else while I was gone.

[lgspot]

i'm sorry to hear about this... I strongly advise you to do exactly that: DISAPPEAR. Really. Not blocking, not deleting. nope. Disappearing.

 

Bad thing is you've overinflated his ego. Good news is he will come back for more, after a while. SILENCE. Watch him carefully and watch his moves. If you want to win, you have to do NOTHING. You will have fun, trust me.

candie,

 

I agree in principal and what you are saying most likely will work.

Would be an interesting experiment….

 

BUT, it is also emotional dynamite.

 

My opinion, Gaeta deserves/needs a good man and time on that endeavor much better spent than playing games with this guy.

 

In the dating game, no matter how hard you might try----you can’t turn a turd into gold!

[lgspot]

when i told him i was leaving he sounded so concerned, he called and checked on me several times till i got there.

 

Something happened mid-week, i felt a shift, maybe he met someone else while i was gone.

 

you deserve better!!!!!!!!

[Gaeta]

you deserve better!!!!!!!!

 

I know I do, I am capable of great devotion and I deserve the same, that's why I have accepted a date with someone else tomorrow night.

 

It's a bit of a gymnastic to get this one out of my head to make space for the next one but it needs to be done, and I will do it.

[candie13]

candie,

 

I agree in principal and what you are saying most likely will work.

Would be an interesting experiment….

 

BUT, it is also emotional dynamite.

 

My opinion, Gaeta deserves/needs a good man and time on that endeavor much better spent than playing games with this guy.

 

In the dating game, no matter how hard you might try----you can’t turn a turd into gold!

 

oh, I never meant she should take him back. Hell no. Ever. Games always backfire. I am suggesting she does the sudden fade on the guy and watch what happens.

 

the OP looks completely oblivious to men, male thinking and maneuvers. She only wants what she wants. So, if instead of focusing on her, she would actually watch her date, how he acts when she stops giving him what he needs - attention - she might learn a thing or two about narcissists.

 

other than that, my position on this man as similar to my position on dice - the only time when it's a good idea to throw them, is when you throw them away

[Versacehottie]

At 11h this morning I texted him I had waited for his call last night. He replied: Sorry beautiful (he never called me that before) I will call you as soon as I am out of bed. Kisses (first time he puts kisses at end of message)

 

It's 6h pm and nothing from him.

 

It feels like he is constantly doing 'pull and push' lgspot Identified that a while ago, I didn't see it back then but I definitely see it now.

 

I have accepted a date with someone else for tomorrow night. I think it's the right thing to do. I am too invested for what I am getting back from him.

 

Because what you texted him sounds like he's in for a scolding or a lecture. I'm not saying you shouldn't call guys out on stuff (more so when they are in a relationship with you though or if it's extreme). Otherwise you should do like a guy would do: if he doesn't like something you do, you won't hear from him. Case in point. Use your actions. Also if someone promises to reach out to you (him last night), you let them do it. That way you truly discover what type of person they are, what type of relationship they have in mind and make them wonder what you are up to. It's not game playing or being indirect. It's showing him that you have more self-respect and pride to chase after him. A text following up on a not forthcoming phone call, is chasing. You may believe you start out on paper as above someone or equals but how you are treating yourself within this relationship is as Less than him. He sounds like he is long past the point where he believes you are equal or better than him.

 

First of all, in this case it hardly qualifies as a real relationship just yet. Let guys do more work to make their way into your life. It's neither serious enough to require a big conversation or cause a blip on your radar if he f*cks up. Take it with a grain of salt; he's amusing. You need to have more fun with things. If you were really having fun with it (and truly looking forward to your other dates) you would barely register that he hasn't called. And if you did notice (because we all truly do) it wouldn't be the end of the world or the end of the line for him. It's 10 steps back until he proves himself. That's the desperation that i think these guys can feel. Especially if you are strong willed. You need to learn to conceal this much better. I say take the easiest route to concealing by NOT putting all your eggs in one basket and trying to force relationship or timeframe rather than try to be someone you're not---aka have other things going on. And I know that having sex so soon shouldn't be such a big deal, but I do think for the stuff you have been going through, even if you want to, you should hold off. Not as a game playing thing. Just make sure all your ducks are in a row with the next guy.

 

I was thinking about you today and you do really put yourself out there a lot (both in dating and your stories on this site), which is admirable. I figure if you put yourself out there so much, maybe some of this advice will help you find what you deserve. I think people operate on a continuum of sorts. Let's say there's a dating one and you seem like you'd be at one end or the other in an extreme. If you incorporate some of the things people have mentioned, it just might take you into a zone that will spell success for you. I hope so. Good luck.

[Gaeta]

Because what you texted him sounds like he's in for a scolding or a lecture. I'm not saying you shouldn't call guys out on stuff (more so when they are in a relationship with you though or if it's extreme). Otherwise you should do like a guy would do: if he doesn't like something you do, you won't hear from him. Case in point. Use your actions. Also if someone promises to reach out to you (him last night), you let them do it. That way you truly discover what type of person they are, what type of relationship they have in mind and make them wonder what you are up to. It's not game playing or being indirect. It's showing him that you have more self-respect and pride to chase after him. A text following up on a not forthcoming phone call, is chasing. You may believe you start out on paper as above someone or equals but how you are treating yourself within this relationship is as Less than him. He sounds like he is long past the point where he believes you are equal or better than him.

 

First of all, in this case it hardly qualifies as a real relationship just yet. Let guys do more work to make their way into your life. It's neither serious enough to require a big conversation or cause a blip on your radar if he f*cks up. Take it with a grain of salt; he's amusing. You need to have more fun with things. If you were really having fun with it (and truly looking forward to your other dates) you would barely register that he hasn't called. And if you did notice (because we all truly do) it wouldn't be the end of the world or the end of the line for him. It's 10 steps back until he proves himself. That's the desperation that i think these guys can feel. Especially if you are strong willed. You need to learn to conceal this much better. I say take the easiest route to concealing by NOT putting all your eggs in one basket and trying to force relationship or timeframe rather than try to be someone you're not---aka have other things going on. And I know that having sex so soon shouldn't be such a big deal, but I do think for the stuff you have been going through, even if you want to, you should hold off. Not as a game playing thing. Just make sure all your ducks are in a row with the next guy.

 

I was thinking about you today and you do really put yourself out there a lot (both in dating and your stories on this site), which is admirable. I figure if you put yourself out there so much, maybe some of this advice will help you find what you deserve. I think people operate on a continuum of sorts. Let's say there's a dating one and you seem like you'd be at one end or the other in an extreme. If you incorporate some of the things people have mentioned, it just might take you into a zone that will spell success for you. I hope so. Good luck.

 

Thank you, I will re-read that and let it sink in.

 

I did have a laid back attitude at first. After he told me a couple of times he felt he was the only one putting in efforts and he could not read me I decided to show my interest. Somehow it back fired.

 

I'm also impatient, I don't want to date 4-5-6 dates and not know if we're on the same page. I don't want to be in a full blown relationship after a month but if I made it through 3-4 dates with a man it means I am interested in getting to know him on a more serious level. I don't want to casually date (and sleep around) for months.

[William]

Thread starter, a number of postings, starting with this one, were shunted to our queue because that member is currently moderated, so please review their subsequent posts for content relevant to your issue. It appears most of the moderation staff was off today and I just got started so wanted to bring this to your attention. Thanks!

[Versacehottie]

Thank you, I will re-read that and let it sink in.

 

I did have a laid back attitude at first. After he told me a couple of times he felt he was the only one putting in efforts and he could not read me I decided to show my interest. Somehow it back fired.

 

I'm also impatient, I don't want to date 4-5-6 dates and not know if we're on the same page. I don't want to be in a full blown relationship after a month but if I made it through 3-4 dates with a man it means I am interested in getting to know him on a more serious level. I don't want to casually date (and sleep around) for months.

 

You're welcome. I hope you realize I mean it in good spirit. That's why I mentioned continuum. I think there's something 0-60 that guys sense about you. It's all or nothing. That's a little tough to process and overwhelming. If you can operate just a touch more in the middle ground it may help. I know it can be hard when you've been through a lot but yes the impatience is showing!!! You realize that for the guys you date that's going to come off as desperation, right? And it also will come off that you are willing to compromise your standards and put up with bad treatment, no matter what your words say to them. I think that is why sometimes in the dating scenarios you have posted about the guys swing wildly from one extreme to another with their behavior with you. I think they figure out (or presume from your impatience) that you want a relationship at all costs so your standards are bend-y. They take advantage of that of course but also lose interest. Guys like standards that are unwavering (when reasonable).

 

I'm just going to put this out there that from an outside person's perspective, it does seem like you are in full blown relationship mode after 3 dates though. I just think that can be scaring them off. Even if that's how it ends up, let the guy be the one who begs you into the relationship that quick. And you can say: what you said here that you "don't know if you want to be in a full blown relationship so quickly"--which was a huge surprise for me because honestly that is not the vibe you give off. So if I'm getting that vibe, maybe the guys are too.

 

You know dating is a risk. I feel like I say that all the time on this site. Why not have fun with it? Wouldn't it be better to approach it like that especially if it would help you get what you want? I mean if you are going to go on 4-5-6 dates anyway and then have to start over because of your impatience or picking the wrong person in an overall desire to have a relationship. It would at least allow you to stop viewing these mini-relationships as failures. They're not. They are getting you where you want to be. It's a numbers game. You're dating and having fun in the meantime. I think there is a presumption on your end that guys KNOW what they want up front and that 1-6 dates he's just spinning your wheels withholding it from you until you do the right combo of things. A lot of people take longer to come to that conclusion (yes even when on a dating site claiming to be looking for a relationship). So you have to stop looking at that time as wasted time. YOU need that time to determine if the guy is someone you would like to know better. It's just all a process--not the end result so much as the journey. The journey is super valuable. I think you should multi-date but that's me. I think it might help alleviate some of the impatience, feeling as if you are wasting time and really let you truly see what these guys are offering-having one to compare against the other. I also think it will take the edge off and remind you to have fun.

[Gaeta]

Because what you texted him sounds like he's in for a scolding or a lecture. I'm not saying you shouldn't call guys out on stuff (more so when they are in a relationship with you though or if it's extreme).

 

Not that it matters anymore but in middle of the movie he kissed me and said I think I just got myself a girlfriend. I said I think so too.

 

Anyway, no use to break it down.

[SoleMate]

Gaeta, we do care and want you to be successful! What I'm wondering, based on the very wise and caring input from MissBee and others, is whether you are bringing your full authenticity to these dates. That is the only way to find a sustainable relationship. Best of luck!

[Versacehottie]

Not that it matters anymore but in middle of the movie he kissed me and said I think I just got myself a girlfriend. I said I think so too.

 

Anyway, no use to break it down.

 

well that could be good. remember 10 steps back not kicking him out of your life--unless you've decided you're no longer interested. It's a little tricky with one that you've already bended your standards on and said the thing about not calling. But it's good he was thinking in those terms. Well now he can't have that just now bc he's not acting like a bf. Pull back. Be busy. See if he steps it up.

[katiegrl]

Awesome posts Versacehottie!

 

Hell, I am even learning something new here.....and I thought I knew everything!! LOL

 

j/k. :bunny:

[katiegrl]

Not that it matters anymore but in middle of the movie he kissed me and said I think I just got myself a girlfriend. I said I think so too.

 

Anyway, no use to break it down.

 

Gaeta, jmo but I think you should break this date tomorrow and give yourself time to process what's going on in your current relationship.

 

Whether it's the end, or a blip, give yourself time to process before seeking attention from yet another new man.....I can tell you are confused..... and hurting.

 

((hugs))

[katiegrl]

well that could be good. remember 10 steps back not kicking him out of your life--unless you've decided you're no longer interested. It's a little tricky with one that you've already bended your standards on and said the thing about not calling. But it's good he was thinking in those terms. Well now he can't have that just now bc he's not acting like a bf. Pull back. Be busy. See if he steps it up.

 

V, you think it okay she keep the date tomorrow?

 

I just suggested she break it, but after reading the above, not sure that was the best advice.

[Versacehottie]

V, you think it okay she keep the date tomorrow?

 

I just suggested she break it, but after reading the above, not sure that was the best advice.

 

I think she should still go as long as she's not using ANY guy to fill the void. Basically long range, she wants a bf. I think she should multi-date if she can handle it. This could be first step to taking things with a much more light and casual attitude. And give her momentum and mojo for when the other guy gets around to calling her tomorrow. She will be doing exactly what she needs to be doing. Living her life, not putting too much importance on him. The mojo is having confidence in herself: for know what she wants and that she can figure it out.

 

I'm not saying to mention it to 1st guy but there's a vibe that happens when all your eggs are not with one person. Going on the date is to have fun and keep her long term goal in mind which requires dating. Plus to take time out again gives 1st guy too much importance. Unless she needs it for herself. I also think it's kinda rude to cancel dates

 

ps there's some question from another thread where the guy said his date "SEEMED" like she had a good first date with him. Hello!! Always always make the best of the date. They should always leave with that impression. Not that you are acting but you make best of your time. It reflects on you and what type of person you are. It's harmless to have fun with someone even if you are not interested. (i don't mean physically). I mean, is someone supposed to act badly, dull etc if they are not interested? Best to always present the best of yourself, enjoy the night and you can make up your mind later (even if you've made your mind up in first 5 mins they don't have to know that).

[lgspot]

well that could be good. remember 10 steps back not kicking him out of your life--unless you've decided you're no longer interested. It's a little tricky with one that you've already bended your standards on and said the thing about not calling. But it's good he was thinking in those terms. Well now he can't have that just now bc he's not acting like a bf. Pull back. Be busy. See if he steps it up.

 

Awesome posts Versacehottie!

 

Hell, I am even learning something new here.....and I thought I knew everything!! LOL

 

j/k. :bunny:

 

Gaeta, jmo but I think you should break this date tomorrow and give yourself time to process what's going on in your current relationship.

 

Whether it's the end, or a blip, give yourself time to process before seeking attention from yet another new man.....I can tell you are confused..... and hurting.

 

((hugs))

 

Ladies,

Great information. I agree with almost everything written about dating, men, and relationships.

Where I differ, is with this man.

Sometimes it easier for a guy to understand another guy.

This guy is a game playing, slither talking jerk.

 

You've given Gaeta good info.

It would behoove her to move along, use that information, and find someone more deserving of her.