Was she a narcissist?

[Brokenmech]

Hello,

 

This is my first post here so be gentle lol. I have been in an online/long distance "relationship" for the past 2 years but we have recently broken up.

 

I loved her so much but over the course of it I feel she has mentally abused me. Here is some of the things she used to do:

 

- Flirt constantly with other guys in front of me. Even go beyond flirting saying things like "You can come visit me and we can f*ck" when I questioned her about it she told me she was only joking, didn't care that it really upset me or made me feel insecure.

 

- Belittled me, called me "stupid" or an "idiot" frequently. Would say "how could I ever loved you?". When I was totally respectful to her. It didn't matter that she was mentally breaking me down.

 

- Everything I did was wrong, nothing I ever did was good enough for her. Example, I once made her a handmade valentines card, worked very hard on it to show how much I loved her. She said she liked it BUT the color was wrong.

 

- Would cause arguments over the smallest and insignificant things. I am a freelance web developer and once she lost it because I made a web banner for someone as a gift without charging them.

 

- Made me out to be the bad person. When we finally split up she would tell all her friends it was because of MY personality, I was the bad person.

 

- She would still contact me on facebook even though we split up and I told I needed space to get over her. She even was trying to make me jealous and told me so. My feelings never mattered to her it was always about what SHE wanted and that's all.

 

What do you guys think, was I in love with a narcissist or someone with a personality disorder?

 

-thanks

[elaine567]

Narcissist is a word bandied about in relationship circles, often by upset dumpees, but Narcissistic personality disorder is a spectrum disorder and so many of us normal folk, have narcissistic traits.

 

Therefore it is easy to look at lists and say he/she did or said that, hence he/she must be a Narcissist, when in reality most are immature people, often with poor boundaries, who interact with others badly, who are often stuck in relationships they were not happy in, with people they probably didn't like or respect.

 

An actual personality disorder diagnosis may not be relevant.

Psychiatric assessment is needed to label such people properly, so I advise you to ignore lists and diagnoses made on internet forums.

 

Suffice to say, she doesn't sound like a person you should spend any time with, so just be very grateful for that.

 

She sounds young to me, how old is she?

[Brokenmech]

Thank you Elaine for your prompt reply. It's funny you should ask about age, she is 46 and I'm 39. Throughout the time I have known her she would often do things that I would consider a little bit "childish" for her age. She would often like to hang around online with much younger guys (early to late 20's) and play online fantasy games even when I was trying to have a conversation with her through skype.

[TMichaels]

For some reason I get the sense that you think if you can slap a label on her that makes things better.

 

Quit trying to put a label on her behavior. She sounds like a total nut job. Isn't that enough reason to put as much distance between the two of you? Why in heck do you want to be in a relationship with someone like that?

 

Yes, she definitely has issues, but so do you.

 

Instead of spending time trying to figure out what *her* problem is, your time would be better spent figuring out why *you* got hooked up with her in the first place and more importantly, why you sat there and put up with her treating you like she did.

 

You need to get to the bottom of why that's so. If not, you're destined to keep ending up in the same sort of relationships. Figure out why you feel so unworthy and deserve to be treated with so little respect and disregard.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[elaine567]

Yes, she definitely has issues, but so do you.

 

Instead of spending time trying to figure out what *her* problem is, your time would be better spent figuring out why *you* got hooked up with her in the first place and more importantly, why you sat there and put up with her treating you like she did.

 

You need to get to the bottom of why that's so. If not, you're destined to keep ending up in the same sort of relationships. Figure out why you feel so unworthy and deserve to be treated with so little respect and disregard.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Very good point.

[Brokenmech]

For some reason I get the sense that you think if you can slap a label on her that makes things better.

 

Quit trying to put a label on her behavior. She sounds like a total nut job. Isn't that enough reason to put as much distance between the two of you? Why in heck do you want to be in a relationship with someone like that?

 

Yes, she definitely has issues, but so do you.

 

Instead of spending time trying to figure out what *her* problem is, your time would be better spent figuring out why *you* got hooked up with her in the first place and more importantly, why you sat there and put up with her treating you like she did.

 

You need to get to the bottom of why that's so. If not, you're destined to keep ending up in the same sort of relationships. Figure out why you feel so unworthy and deserve to be treated with so little respect and disregard.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Well thank you for your response. I have to disagree with you saying that I'm trying to slap a label on her. I am merely asking the question to gauge opinion, I don't know if she is or not, or if she has any disorders whatsoever.

 

I have asked myself the question of why I put up with it, I guess because firstly I was in love with her (admit I still am) and secondly there were some good times as well. But it's possibly more than that too, I had a relationship years ago that ended badly and ever since then I have felt very "small" and "unworthy" of any happiness. So that must play a huge part of it.

 

Thank you making me look at myself, sure it will be something I need to work on.

 

-thanks.

[Downtown]

Was I in love with a narcissist or someone with a personality disorder?

Broken, as Elaine observed, NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all NPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits NPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the NPD spectrum). Not having met her, none of us on this forum can answer that question. You nonetheless can spot any strong NPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list.

 

They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as having an exaggerated sense of self importance, a strong sense of entitlement, and inability to recognize the needs of others. Because these warning signs are easy for laymen to spot when symptoms are strong, hundreds of mental health institutions have placed a list of them online as a way of educating the lay public. You will find such a list, for example, at websites of the Mayo Clinic and the National Institute of Health.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues to determine whether she satisfies 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown narcissism. Only a professional can do that. The main reason for learning these red flags, then -- like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack -- is to help you protect yourself. It can help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to spend $150/hour to seek a professional opinion or sufficient reason to be wary of dating someone strongly exhibiting those red flags.

[Brigit_1]

Broken, as Elaine observed, NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all NPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits NPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the NPD spectrum). Not having met her, none of us on this forum can answer that question. You nonetheless can spot any strong NPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list.

 

They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as having an exaggerated sense of self importance, a strong sense of entitlement, and inability to recognize the needs of others. Because these warning signs are easy for laymen to spot when symptoms are strong, hundreds of mental health institutions have placed a list of them online as a way of educating the lay public. You will find such a list, for example, at websites of the Mayo Clinic and the National Institute of Health.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues to determine whether she satisfies 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown narcissism. Only a professional can do that. The main reason for learning these red flags, then -- like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack -- is to help you protect yourself. It can help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to spend $150/hour to seek a professional opinion or sufficient reason to be wary of dating someone strongly exhibiting those red flags.

 

I love it when Downtown makes an appearance! You always get solid guidance.

[Redhead14]

Hello,

 

This is my first post here so be gentle lol. I have been in an online/long distance "relationship" for the past 2 years but we have recently broken up.

 

I loved her so much but over the course of it I feel she has mentally abused me. Here is some of the things she used to do:

 

- Flirt constantly with other guys in front of me. Even go beyond flirting saying things like "You can come visit me and we can f*ck" when I questioned her about it she told me she was only joking, didn't care that it really upset me or made me feel insecure.

 

- Belittled me, called me "stupid" or an "idiot" frequently. Would say "how could I ever loved you?". When I was totally respectful to her. It didn't matter that she was mentally breaking me down.

 

- Everything I did was wrong, nothing I ever did was good enough for her. Example, I once made her a handmade valentines card, worked very hard on it to show how much I loved her. She said she liked it BUT the color was wrong.

 

- Would cause arguments over the smallest and insignificant things. I am a freelance web developer and once she lost it because I made a web banner for someone as a gift without charging them.

 

- Made me out to be the bad person. When we finally split up she would tell all her friends it was because of MY personality, I was the bad person.

 

- She would still contact me on facebook even though we split up and I told I needed space to get over her. She even was trying to make me jealous and told me so. My feelings never mattered to her it was always about what SHE wanted and that's all.

 

What do you guys think, was I in love with a narcissist or someone with a personality disorder?

 

-thanks

 

It doesn't matter whether she was a narcissist or not. She was not meeting you needs for a happy relationship period. Stop thinking about it and focus on yourself. Go out and have some fun.

[Radu]

One thing is for sure, she is poison and you need to learn how to spot it better.

 

Some of those things are unbelievable red flags.

[nouedis]

Don't ever settle for less. Always analyze the meal it is you're ordering before actually eating it.

[justwhoiam]

be gentle

I can be gentle, I can be blunt, I can be sweet... not sure what you're gonna get.

 

I have been in an online/long distance "relationship" for the past 2 years but we have recently broken up.

 

I loved her so much but over the course of it I feel she has mentally abused me.

Why would you let that happen? You lose a woman's respect like that, which is the most precious thing a man can have (from a woman).

 

Flirt constantly with other guys in front of me.

The moment you don't say anything about it, you make it OK. She liked the attention. Maybe she was bored and that was her way to do something fun.

 

Even go beyond flirting saying things like "You can come visit me and we can f*ck" when I questioned her about it she told me she was only joking

She was probably joking, but do you believe your reaction was appropriate? I think she needed a man, and you were not acting like one in her book. I guess, in turn, you were confused about what to do or how to react, because of your own way of reasoning:

1. if she loves me, she won't deliberately hurt me saying or doing things that can hurt me

2. I'm not a jealous guy, jealousy is bad, like poison for a relationship

3. if I have a bad reaction, I might lose her

 

Belittled me, called me "stupid" or an "idiot" frequently. Would say "how could I ever loved you?"

I don't know her, so I don't know the extent of the perceived psychological abuse, but she sounds exasperated by your attitude. Why would she call you stupid/idiot? In reference to what? I'm not justifying her for insulting you. Did it become your nickname? I might allow that if there's enough complicity between two people, but that's not your case. It looks like you were the puppy, and she was the master holding the leash. That's not how you usually get respect. I bet she really wanted a man, not a puppy.

 

I once made her a handmade valentines card, worked very hard on it to show how much I loved her. She said she liked it BUT the color was wrong.

How was the color wrong? Did you ask? Were you ever interested in what she was saying?

 

Would cause arguments over the smallest and insignificant things.

That's what you'll hear from most men. What is insignificant to you might be serious for her. I make a random example. She wants to talk to you really bad, but you are busy. She waits around until when you're off work. But when you finally are, you say you're in a hurry to go somewhere and that you'll talk to her the next day. Tomorrow is not good enough for her, she wants NOW. You think no one will get hurt if she waits until the next day, right? After all, it's not so many hours. And you have the rest of your life to talk. On the other hand, she thinks if this is the way he handles my needs early on in a relationship, what will happen in 10 years? In short, you can treat something as if it were nothing special, when you should treat it as special. When you don't make your relationship special, expect a mediocre relationship. Blame yourself accordingly if you didn't make it special enough and lived like an amoeba.

 

once she lost it because I made a web banner for someone as a gift without charging them.

If you mentioned being broke, not having enough money to take her out, to meet her, etc, and then you give out free work, then well, I can understand she lost it. As I said previously, she sounded exasperated.

 

When we finally split up she would tell all her friends it was because of MY personality, I was the bad person.

I don't think you're a bad person. And I'm not sure she said you're the bad person. I sense it's more you using these words. I can understand not being a good match because of your "passive" personality. You need to be more assertive. The relationship was quite unbalanced. At times, these relationships work, when both are happy that way, other times the puppy explodes like a bomb all of a sudden, and most times, people just split up.

 

Did you argue with her? Did you have fights? Were there insults flying back and forth? How did the fights end? How would you resolve conflict? And who broke it up?

 

She would still contact me on facebook even though we split up and I told I needed space to get over her.

I'm not sure if she was just missing her puppy, or really wanted to try again and make it better. Or just wanted to remain friends. We don't know enough to be able to tell.

 

She even was trying to make me jealous and told me so.

If she did, it's because she still loves you, you know that, don't you? That's how desperate it was. You probably love each other, but is that enough? I guess not, if both of you are not happy.

 

My feelings never mattered to her it was always about what SHE wanted and that's all.

Are you sure about that? Or is it more your perception of it?

 

What do you guys think, was I in love with a narcissist or someone with a personality disorder?

I don't have enough elements to say so, but if I had to guess, I'd say she's not a narcissist, just some middle-aged woman looking for attention and needing a stronger man to handle her. Edited July 21, 2015 by justwhoiam

[Brokenmech]

Thanks justwhoiam for that detailed response. It's all moot now anyway I found out a few days ago she is already dating someone else that is 10 years younger than she is, he is 36 and she is 46.

 

I don't know why but she loves being around people much younger than herself and all the attention she can get from them (hence the flirting).

 

Yes maybe I was the "puppy" in the relationship but they say love is blind and I was for sure. Regardless I am happy to be out of this toxic relationship, although I wished her nothing but the best.

 

Time to work on me now and realize I don't deserve to be treated like crap and put up with things like that.