I tried to be nice...

[hotmrw]

Quick update, me ex dumped me another dude, moved him in, got engaged to him, is going on holiday with him, he asked her dad if he could marry her, we have a 13 month old daughter together, she never contacts me anymore, but always replies to my contact be it calls or texts, I never text her for 5 days and when I rung her the day I am supposed to have my daughter I was told she is not happy I have not contacted her in 5 days about our daughter, had the typical attitude, and decided to put her in Nursery as I had not been in touch, which really means this was my punishment, so probably wont see my little Ella this month now, she speaks to me and treats me like ***** even though I am always kind and nice, even though she cheated on me, dumped me for someone else, replaced me, and banned me from her house, she said I have to message her EVERY DAY to ask how my daughter is, I have had enough to be honest so have decided to go away to another city to sort my head out, I am in a dark place with all this, I feel so bloody down, when I told her I was going away she started being not very nice again, she hung up the phone, then she rung back but I told her my decision was final and I leave on friday, she started crying saying she wants me to be our daughters life and hung up, I have not heard another thing from her today, I am so confused with all this, I cant go on, my head is dead, to think of them having tea together ( him her & my Ella ) why I am sat alone, she rubs in my face where she has been, waterfalls, parks, safari parks, pictures, and all she does is hurt me, she is a person dont know anymore, she knows how I feel about her and my little Ell, she screams at me down the phone, tells me to f**k off, calls me names, degrades me, says I am a waste of space, she wishes she never had a baby with me, it really hurts to think this person who used to so different now seems to hate my guts, I am never anything other than nice to her, I am sick of feeling upset, does anyone know why she is like this, I cant understand her, there is clearly something bothering her, she can be ok but then she can be horrible, any ideas?

[LindaRose]

Dude don't leave your daughter for no one or anything. You are stronger then you think and sorry to say but her needs come before yours. Why would you want to be gone from her life? This new man will play daddy to your daughter are you okay with that?? Life will be hard no matter where you are, you need to deal with your situation and not run from it.

[hotmrw]

Well I did as I was told and messaged my ex about our daughter, ( I have been told I have to message every day about her )

she was surprisingly nice today, she just dropped our daughter off at nursery, she even asked how I was ( after I asked how she was ) the conversation ended there, then she sent another message " Nice walk home now " which I found a bit odd, then half an hour later she called me, I ignored it but am probably going to have to call her back or ask if everything is OK because if I don't I will be a bad dad or something...............

 

This would have been so much easier if we never had a child together as I could have just walked away

[ZiggyZoo]

Well, you DO have a child together, and she needs to come first. Moving to another town to figure things out is not an option when you have a child. Even if she lives with your ex, you no longer have the luxury of doing what's best for YOU if it means doing something that could be detrimental to your daughter. You need to suck it up and put your hurt feelings about what your ex did aside and do what's best for this little girl.

 

Honestly, I agree with her, to be upset that you didn't check in for five days. How is that possible, you don't care enough to see how your little one is doing for all that time? No wonder she assumed you weren't interested, you sure weren't showing it. And just this idea to move away can't help that belief either.

 

I get what you're going through. My ex-husband left me for another woman, and we have three daughters together. He used to do wonderful things like bring her along when he picked up the girls, so I'd have to see her giving them hugs. It killed me, but it's not about me. Part of my breakup (and yours) involves a changing relationship with our children that needs to be handled apart from the relationship with our exs. So you've gotta do things you don't like to maintain that relationship. Staying in contact with someone who's hurt you is one of those.things. Working on your hurt while having to see the one who hurt you is another.

 

If she gets nasty, hang up. Keep communication to texts only unless it's an emergency. This will keep yelling to a minimum and is a lot easier than hearing her voice.

[Itspointless]

I do not like moralizing, BUT the way you are around your baby does effect in a large way how that girl will be able to form relationships in her life to come. You do not want to be held responsible for your girl not to be able to form healthy relationships in her future. Be around, be a good dad for all of your kids (as you also mentioned a kid with another woman).

[hotmrw]

Quick recap, my EX dumped me for another guy, moved him in, got engaged/or is getting engaged, this dude asked her dad if he could marry her, they are going to Thailand together in September, it has all destroyed me to be honest, I have never gone through anything so painful and soul destroying in my life, however we have a 13 month old little girl together that sadly I am not seeing very much at the moment, this destroys me even further, especially knowing this new dude of my ex's picks her up from nursery every day, they all go back to her house and have tea together, whilst I have been, cheated on, dumped, replaced, banned from her house, cut off, cut out, removed from Facebook ( mutual friends tell me of pictures and videos of my daughter been posted and I don't even get to see them ) I am sure you can all understand how devastated I feel.

 

The thing is, my Ex clearly wants me in her life still, she has insisted that I must message her every day to ask how our daughter is, I have been for the last three days been doing this, she asked this because I never messaged her for 5 days and she got really angry at me and put my daughter in nursery instead of me having her, not sure if it was punishment or as she said I need to know that she is taken care of when I am at work, either way she never canceled when I explained why I never messaged her, she was so angry at me that day, calling me not very nice things, I asked her could you not ring up and cancel her being at the nursery and I will have her, then she started screaming at me at the top of her voice, I WILL PUT HER IN NURSERY WHEN I WANT TO PUT HER IN ( NOW EVEN LOUDER ) NOT WHEN YOU FU**ING WANT, NOW FU**K OFF, then she slammed the phone down, I rung her back 5 mins later and she was calm and fine again.

 

What she clearly wants is for us to be friends ( her terms ) be in contact every day, she has told me that she loves me to bits and always will

on the few occasions we have hung out she has been so happy to see me

remarkably flirty, rubbing marks off my face, then wetting her finger and rubbing it again, she will let me grab her bum, she will grab mine, she calls me and if we are not arguing over something gets very sexually explicit regarding us over the phone ( don't think her new fella will know this )

 

All this stuff does me no favors really, because when she goes back to him it makes me feel even worse, I feel that No Contact would really benefit me but it is impossible when we have a child together, so I have to wallow in this never ending carousel of pain and sadness...

 

I know we have a child together but I feel I will never be able to move on while we are in contact with her every day, but she insists on it, and I am afraid that I will lose my little girl if I don't do what she asks

 

I will not go the court route to see my child, been there done that, NEVER AGAIN

 

and even if I am getting in touch about our daughter it is still contact that keeps my wound/s open, I have planned to go away for a short time to be away from everything, sort my head out and heal, I could then be her friend

this is a very messed up situation that sadly involves so much sadness, sorrow and a 13 month old child, any advice would be greatly appreciated

 

PS: please no stupid replies.....

 

God bless, Darren....

[foolinlove79]

You poor man. She has treated you terribly. She sounds like a person with no feeling.

 

As you said you have a child so unfortunately you have to deal with her. I really feel the only way to move on is no contact but in your case you cant do that. You should tell her the only contact and conversation you want with her is about the child. How can you move on otherwise?

[hotmrw]

I have decided that I am going away for a few months, I have to, I will sink under the weight of everything remaining here, I will have a talk with her on Wednesday ( her day off ) and hopefully she will understand, I did mention it to her the other day that I was moving away and she started crying saying she wanted me in our daughters life, but then I never see her, I will tell her I am just taking time out to heal, which is what I am doing, I will give my flat up before I go, to many bad memories there, I will start a fresh when I come back, I just feel this is the best for me, I wont ever desert my little girl but I am no good to anyone in the state I am in, I hope she understands why I am doing it, I will try to explain to her why I am doing it, it is going to take me a while to get over all of this, and I miss them both so much...

[Itspointless]

I have decided that I am going away for a few months, I have to, I will sink under the weight of everything remaining here, I will have a talk with her on Wednesday ( her day off ) and hopefully she will understand, I did mention it to her the other day that I was moving away and she started crying saying she wanted me in our daughters life, but then I never see her, I will tell her I am just taking time out to heal, which is what I am doing, I will give my flat up before I go, to many bad memories there, I will start a fresh when I come back, I just feel this is the best for me, I wont ever desert my little girl but I am no good to anyone in the state I am in, I hope she understands why I am doing it, I will try to explain to her why I am doing it, it is going to take me a while to get over all of this, and I miss them both so much...

Moving away does not make the problems disappear, problems move with us in our head. It only makes it harder to come back.

 

As for your little girl, I already made my point about development attachment-wise. Especially the first three years are elementary. If you leave now changes also are big that she will bond with that other guy. and changes are your ex doesn't allow you near any-more. Can't you make an arrangement with a family-member of yours doing the contact with your ex for a while?

[elaine567]

Stop getting flirty with her, shut her down when she starts, why on earth are you grabbing her bum?

This is not going to endear her to you, she is just getting an ego boost, a man at home AND a besotted ex, what is not to like there?

 

Start setting realistic adult boundaries, else 5 years later you will still be in the same place, hoping for some crumbs.

foolinlove79 is right

You should tell her the only contact and conversation you want with her is about the child.

I detect that perhaps you want to walk away full stop, but I think you would regret that.

It is perfectly possible for you to be in your child's life and that should be your goal here, not hankering after your ex, who apparently has very poor boundaries and is obviously not worth anyone's love.

[elaine567]

duplicate

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[d0nnivain]

Be straight with her Tell her how much you love your daughter. Then ask her if she considers herself a nice person or a mean person who enjoys inflicting pain on others. When she tells you that she is a nice person ask her to be a nice person by no longer mandating the daily contact with her as a condition of seeing your child because it hurts too much.

[ZiggyZoo]

Hmmm...seems like I *just* replied to this post yesterday. Are you just writing the same thing over and over, hoping to get the response and advice YOU want to hear?

 

My opinion is still the same as yesterday...you don't have the luxury as a parent to just take off to get your sh*t together. You just don't. You have someone else who is dependant on you for half of her upbringing, and you can't just drop that responsibility and pick it up again when you're ready. Suck it up and deal with this like a grown-up, not like a selfish teenager who's running away pouting because he's not getting it his way. Stop grabbing your ex's ass, stop her when she gets sexually explicit, establish some boundaries, and start dealing with your situation.

 

Yeah, I'm being harsh. But like I said, I've been there. And I had to deal with taking care of my three girls AND dealing with the fallout from my cheating ex-husband by myself. You can too, running away isn't going to do anything except damage the relationship you have with your daughter.

 

You're her dad. Act like it.

Edited July 12, 2015 by ZiggyZoo

[hotmrw]

Hi everyone, I am sure most of you are aware of my situation, my Ex dumped me for another guy, moved him in, got engaged, is getting married, banned me from the house, cut me off and out, removed me from Facebook etc etc etc

 

She insists that I have to contact her every day to ask about our daughter ( Not seen my little Ell in 3 and a half weeks )

 

I think her request for me to contact her every day regarding our daughter is a little excessive, I really don't want to contact her ( EX ) at all to be honest

 

Any ideas on what would be reasonable? or should I just do what she wants and ask every day

 

WELL I MESSAGED ASKING HOW MY DAUGHTER IS

 

I got a skitty reply, saying she is fine, like she was on Saturday but you never bothered reading the message ( Her Reply )

I read it on Monday....

 

I cant win,

 

Thanks everyone

Edited July 13, 2015 by hotmrw
Update

[Holmes85]

hotmrw,

 

So lets get this straight, she threw you out for another dude, moved the another guy in, got engaged and is marrying the guy, bans you from the house and is telling you that you should contact her for the daughter every week?

 

Dude this girl treating you like trash, walking all over you like nothing, you are not even a little bit angry about anything?

 

If I was in your situation I would have said "It's up to me when I want to call and when not. What I do from now on is none of your business, you don't tell me to do anything, do I make myself clear? If you keep contacting me the way you have been, I would have no problem blocking you. Do I make myself clear?"

 

She is going to get shocked after reading this and would test you. But you have to stand your ground.

[PegNosePete]

What would be "reasonable"? I don't think you're asking the right question here. Your ex is clearly not interested in what is "reasonable".

 

I would agree with the above if it weren't for one small detail. If you follow that advice you can virtually guarantee you'll never get to have any time with your daughter.

 

Often mothers (I don't mean to be sexist, it just happens that way round most often) will expect the father to jump through hoops for them, and will use contact with the kid(s) in order to get their way. If you refuse her demands then you don't get to see your kid. Even taking her to court to get contact will take a long time, cost you a fortune, and probably not even help. Unfortunately she holds all the cards here.

 

But, why haven't you seen your daughter in 3 and a half weeks? If she's refusing you contact anyway then you have nothing to lose so you might as well do as suggested above. But if I were you I'd think what my priority is here. Surely getting to have contact with your daughter is number 1 priority. Don't do anything to potentially sabotage that. And if you have to write a stupid text every day in order to get that, well, it's a small price to pay really.

Edited July 13, 2015 by PegNosePete

[FancyFace]

OP, you have asked this question in different variations over the past couple of days/weeks and you have received the same good advice responses which you are clearly ignoring for whatever reason.

 

If you have any genuine concern for your daughter and if you want to move on with your life, what you need to do is to get a proper custody/visitation arrangement in place so that you are not at your ex's mercy/ beck and call as to how to interact with her just so you can have access to your child. I don't know much about the legal system in your country but I am sure there must be some type of legal aid or small family court structure that can assist you with the process.

 

Honestly, you shouldnt be on a board asking these types of questions, you should be consulting a lawyer.

[hotmrw]

Sadly I feel I have to bite my tongue regarding a lot of things just to see my little girl, I have been treated like sh*t no doubts, and as crap as I feel, I have to try to take her continual sh*t or I will lose my daughter.....

 

Personally I don't know how she sleeps at night but she clearly does

I just don't understand why she is always pi**ed at me I have done nothing wrong, she acts like I walked out on her when she was the one who walked out on me.................

[theredpill]

I've been in a similar situation with my daughters mother, she's a total c##t and after I left her she wouldn't let me see my daughter, was a total nightmare for years, even today.

 

 

Thankfully my daughter is now old enough to make her own decisions on what she wants to do or see.

 

 

Hope you have a better time than I did, the sorry fact is there are men and women who are just scum and care about nothing but themselves and hurting others for their own pleasure.

[elaine567]

I think her request for me to contact her every day regarding our daughter is a little excessive, I really don't want to contact her ( EX ) at all to be honest

 

Any ideas on what would be reasonable? or should I just do what she wants and ask every day

Contact your little girl every day as per instructions, so your ex has nothing to beat you up with.

Keep a record, so you can give it to your little girl later or in years to come if you need to.

Do not play games with your ex, do not get hung up on trying to spite your ex, it all looks bad from the POV of your daughter, she is the most important thing here.

Be the adult here, be consistent and be the best father you can be.

[Mrin]

At first I was all - she can't tell you what to do. You'll ask when you damn well feel like asking! Then I thought about it... A few thoughts:

 

1. You need to get a court ordered custody schedule in place and stick to it. 3.5 weeks it too long man!

 

2. Honestly, her insistence that you inquire about your daughter daily is odd. Usually it is the other way - the custodial parent doesn't want to be "beholden" to the other to report information.

 

3. IIRC your ex is a real pice of work. So who knows as to why she's insisting on this. A benevolent explanation is that she's insisting on this as some way of minimizing her guilt at taking he daughter away from her daddy. A more malevolent interpretation is that this is some way for her to still control you and to continually demonstrate that she made the right choice by leaving you because you don't ask every day.

 

4. The funny thing is that this requires far more work on her part than yours. See below:

 

5. So this is what I'd do: I would set a reminder on your phone for 5pm. Send her a text, "How's Ell?". Wait for a response. The response should include at least one fact. Will probably read something like this, "She's doing great. Went to a birthday party today. She looked so cute in her little outfit that The Guy I Replaced You With bought. There were a ton of kids there and the sugar made them all bonkers. It was chaos!"

 

To which you reply with a text that looks like: [exclamation]. [observation] [question about fact]. Like "Fun! I bet it was chaos. Have any photos?"

 

She'll have to send a reply.

 

There you go dude. You've had to type 11 words and two of them (How's Ell?) can be cut and paste. You have taken away her stick that she likes to jab you with. Made her have to type a bunch of stuff into her phone. And best thing - you've had some sliver of connection with your daughter.

 

Best of luck!

[theredpill]

Well said Elaine, I forgot to mention to keep all correspondence - I did and showed my daughter when she was old enough.

[Mrin]

Or what elaine said... ;-)

[hotmrw]

Thanks for all the replies everyone, some great ideas.....

 

I will not be messaging the scatty mare now until Wednesday morning...

 

I need to talk to her and it is her day off, and her bloke is at work so she sometimes rings me, like last Wednesday, I simply asked the usual "How is Ell" I got a normal reply, then I asked how she was as she was crying the day before and she said I am OK just tired, she then asked how I was, I replied and that was the end of the conversation from me, then she sent another message saying " Oh well I am walking home now " I never replied, then half an hour later she called me on the phone, I ignored her, then she Facebook messaged me asking what one of my messages meant..... I think what she wants is for us to be really close friends, I don't feel like it, certainly not at the moment

She just forever seems peed off with me, I cant work her out, last week I never messaged her for five days and when I called her she was in a right stinker, really not happy that I had not asked about Ell in 5 days, she ended up taking my days off me and bunging her in nursery, I asked well cant you just not put her in and I will have her, she then proceeded to scream at me at the top of her voice I WILL PUT HER IN NURSERY WHEN I F**KING WANT AND NOT WHEN YOU WANT NOW F**K OFF, 5 mins later when I rung her back she was OK, lol, I don't think I will ever work her out, I would have thought she would be so happy with her new man and everything, maybe she just gets peed off when she has to deal with me I don't know, certainly not the behavior of someone who is happy from how I look at it...

[hotmrw]

I am sure you all know my situation, dumped for another guy by my ex, we have a 13 month old child together, my "ex ex" recently found out that I am single and wants to try again with me :/ she is such a good egg, I went for a walk with her yesterday, we went to the hills, I just don't feel I am ready to get into a relationship when I am not over my last one, Maybe I should just take is slow with her, she has told be she has remained single because she is still in love with me.