I tried to be nice...

[wizer]

to be honest I called her a f**king cheat and everything else, said you was sneaking behind my back, called her new bloke a p**ck,

 

That's not going to help matters any.

[CarrieT]

I have 4 children to 3 women

This speaks volumes.

 

Have you considered a vasectomy?

[pidgeon1010]

Thanks for all the replies, I see now after the event/s of today that I was at fault, my emotions simply got the better of me, as usual I regret a lot of what went on, story of my life, I know I need to get it together, I just struggle with emotional stuff like this, I wont be contacting her now until Wednesday regarding having Ella on the Thursday ( her request ).

 

I have 4 children to 3 women

I am in the lives of 3 ( 2 live in Hull they have the same mother )

Obviously Ella here where I live

And Anastasia but she lives in Sweden so am not in her life, but I do have court orders in Hull, Edinburgh, Florida, granting me access, I would never go the court route ever again, just not worth it.

 

oh this is not your first rodeo to parenting. Sheeesh. So your big plan was to desert one child in one city (by moving away) and I guess move closer to your other children in Hull? How often do you see your other 2 children? You should take a break from making babies and focus on the children you have now. You need to be a good father to all these children. When was the last time you saw your daughter who lives in Sweden?

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for all the replies, I see now after the event/s of today that I was at fault, my emotions simply got the better of me, as usual I regret a lot of what went on, story of my life, I know I need to get it together, I just struggle with emotional stuff like this, I wont be contacting her now until Wednesday regarding having Ella on the Thursday ( her request ).

 

I have 4 children to 3 women

I am in the lives of 3 ( 2 live in Hull they have the same mother )

Obviously Ella here where I live

And Anastasia but she lives in Sweden so am not in her life, but I do have court orders in Hull, Edinburgh, Florida, granting me access, I would never go the court route ever again, just not worth it.

 

I don't get this. Why is it not worth it? Please elaborate.

 

First, stop having children. Period.

 

Second, how often do you see all of your kids? How often to do you speak to them?

 

Third, why aren't you in your daughter Anastasia's life?

 

Fourth, why hadn't you seen your daughter Ella for 3.5 weeks?

 

This is not all down to the mothers, so don't bother trying to paint it that way. What are you doing or not doing that has established this pattern? You are the common denominator, so you carry a big part of the responsibility here. I'm not sure you get that, based on your posts. I don't doubt that the moms aren't perfect. But I wonder how much self-reflection has happened, especially when your idea was to move away and abandon one daughter because you can't handle the stress the interactions with her mother create. That right there indicates poor, emotion-based judgement and a self-serving approach. Your daughter deserves a lot better than that.

[hotmrw]

@ CarrieT

 

All my children were to women I loved and was in a serious relationship with, so I am not sure how this speaks volumes, you should not jump to conclusions and generalize.

 

I have not seen my daughter in Sweden for over 10 years, but it was not for the want of trying, her mother was deemed implacably hostile by the district judge, she kept moving to prevent my contact, from Hull to Edinburgh, Edinburgh to Russia, Russia to Dundee, Dundee to Florida, Florida to Dundee, then Dundee to Sweden, in the end I had to give up, there reaches a point where you have to accept the way things will be for the time being, I will try contacting my daughter direct if and when she gets social media, she just turned 11 on the 13 of this month.

[hotmrw]

I just sent this to her

 

" I just wanted to say sorry for how I was yesterday, I feel awful about it today, I am just struggling with life, I sincerely hope you and Ella are OK ".

 

 

She has replied, I will update when I read it.

 

This was her reply to my message:

 

Well it doesn't matter, I am sick of been upset

and stressed it makes me Ill the next day

And it has Ive been sick all morning

I cant do this anymore Darren

Its killing me

 

--------------------------

 

I have not replied? should I? or just leave it

Edited July 17, 2015 by hotmrw

[minimariah]

you should reply - apologize once again. tell her that you'll do everything to treat her with respect from now on. ask for another chance and tell her that you want and need to see your daughter more often.

 

why aren't you picking her up from the nursery at least once a week...?

 

why are you seeing your daughter so rarely...? what did the court tell you, what rights do you have? like, why are you okay with NOT seeing your kid as much as you need to?

 

your daughter needs to come 1st. suck it up, deal with the ex in a MATURE way & start fighting for equal time with your daughter.

 

somehow, i get the feeling that you just don't care enough about the kid. if i were you, i'd be opening threads seekin advice and idea on how to bond with my kid and how to see her more often. forget the ex, YOUR KID MATTERS THE MOST.

[sandylee1]

I'm glad you apologised to her. You need to let it go. She cheated, she left, she's getting married and she's happy.......that hurts....but most of us get hurt somewhere along the way. She should have broken up with you first, but she chose not to. It was wrong of her.

 

You can't let that define you or get in the way of seeing your daughter. Parents put their children before them at this young age , instead your running away from your daughter. What will you tell her later on when she barely knows you?

That because her mum cheated, you ran away from her? So that means she wasn't important enough to you.

 

I was just wondering. ...

 

What was your relationship like with your Ex? Did you argue a lot? Disagree about things?

 

Did her family like you? Did you like them?

Did you ever discuss marriage?

[hotmrw]

@ sandylee

 

You have hit on something there, in all fairness I never treated her very well

and by that I mean I never gave her love and attention, I kept pushing her away, she tried and tried, I was just zoned out for so long, she used to cry to me saying all I want is to feel needed and wanted, she loved me sooo much, she did everything for me, and I mean everything, I never hit her, I never took drugs, I dont drink, and when I used to tell her this she used to just say I love you for you not for money, not for anything, I just love you Darren, I made her cry a lot because I neglected her, she used to cry at work and to her family about me so obviously they never liked me, it all started to go wrong when I lost my job I became reclusive and depressed, but she was always there, I know I messed up, and regret is my constant companion, and she was always asking me to marry her ALWAYS ( even during making love ) sorry to be graphic, and when I said yes, she then used to say promise me, THIS GIRL REALLY DID LOVE ME SO MUCH, and I know she still does, and she will admit it, she tells me I love you to pieces and I always will

this is where I get confused really because she loves me but left me

but I am 100% certain she still loves me, I just think she had enough of how I treated her, she said you never made me happy, never made me feel wanted, never appreciated me, she often says you never wanted to commit, never wanted to move in with me, and she gets angry when she says it, weather I deserved what she did the way she did it is debatable, so there you have it, you will probably all hate me now, when i asked to get back with her she said she is to scared because it will just go back to how it used to be within a week and she would be hurt again, if this is the truth then its a fair point,

 

SO TO RECAP, SHE NEVER LEFT ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE, SHE LEFT ME BECAUSE SHE HAD ENOUGH

[Satu]

You should spend some time by yourself, getting yourself into a good space psychologically, before you even think about being with another woman.

 

Your relationship history is chaotic, and that comes from your internal chaos.

 

You are not rooted, or anchored.

 

Stop thinking about your ex. Stop thinking about any of your exes. Stop thinking about women.

 

Start thinking about yourself, and how you can reach your full potential as a human being, and as as a father.

 

No women for you.

 

Sort yourself out.

[hotmrw]

I think you make some good points there Satu

[aloneinaz]

You should spend some time by yourself, getting yourself into a good space psychologically, before you even think about being with another woman.

 

Your relationship history is chaotic, and that comes from your internal chaos.

 

You are not rooted, or anchored.

 

Stop thinking about your ex. Stop thinking about any of your exes. Stop thinking about women.

 

Start thinking about yourself, and how you can reach your full potential as a human being, and as as a father.

 

No women for you.

 

Sort yourself out.

 

 

This ^^

 

 

Dude, you need to step back and chill out. From your postings, you have A LOT OF WORK to do on yourself. I simply don't see why you're having so many kids w/different women? Yes, you were in love at the time but at what point do you start thinking about all these kids not having a steady father in their lives each day? You need to think A LOT MORE about the decisions your making and the impact it's having on these kids growing up in broken homes. I'm not trying to be hurtful here but only get you to think about your kids and their needs.

[hotmrw]

I would just like to add that I am not a teenager, I am almost 41, so 4 kids at my age is nothing outrageous, I best omit the age of my Ex for fear of being slated...........

[ZiggyZoo]

I would just like to add that I am not a teenager, I am almost 41, so 4 kids at my age is nothing outrageous, I best omit the age of my Ex for fear of being slated...........

 

Not sure if that fact improves the situation at all...

[ExpatInItaly]

Not sure if that fact improves the situation at all...

 

I agree. OP, now would be the ideal time to pause and reflect back on your life thus far. Look at ways you can improve moving forward. Ask yourself what has and hasn't worked for you, and why. You can't control how you exes behave, but you can control your own reaction and conduct. Start by always putting your children first, even ahead of yourself.

[hotmrw]

I wont bore you all with the details, I am sure you all know it now, dumped for another guy, she is all loved up with him, moved him in, engaged ETC ETC ETC

I came to see friends in Hull for a few days I am back on Wednesday, I told her about it, My Ex just seems to have a problem with Hull

 

As requested, I messaged my Ex today asking how my daughter is

This is the sort conversation, I dont think I said anything wrong.

 

ME: Heyy, just sat looking at the fish drinking a cup of Tea LOL, hows Ella today? ( I sent a picture of the fish in the pond )

 

Her: You having fun in Hull

 

Me: I am, How is Ella? and I hope you are feeling better today Kerrrr

I cant believe how my Jess has grown up ( I sent her a pic of my other daughter )

 

Her: Go Away

 

Me: confused.com thanks for telling me how my Ell is, I will respect your wishes however, have a nice evening.

 

==========================================

 

What did I say wrong? why did she not tell me how my Ell is after she not only told me I need to ask how my daughter is everyday, but also after I asked her twice?

 

Any ideas?

[Satu]

I wont bore you all with the details, I am sure you all know it now, dumped for another guy, she is all loved up with him, moved him in, engaged ETC ETC ETC

I came to see friends in Hull for a few days I am back on Wednesday, I told her about it, My Ex just seems to have a problem with Hull

 

As requested, I messaged my Ex today asking how my daughter is

This is the sort conversation, I dont think I said anything wrong.

 

ME: Heyy, just sat looking at the fish drinking a cup of Tea LOL, hows Ella today? ( I sent a picture of the fish in the pond )

 

Her: You having fun in Hull

 

Me: I am, How is Ella? and I hope you are feeling better today Kerrrr

I cant believe how my Jess has grown up ( I sent her a pic of my other daughter )

 

Her: Go Away

 

Me: confused.com thanks for telling me how my Ell is, I will respect your wishes however, have a nice evening.

 

==========================================

 

What did I say wrong? why did she not tell me how my Ell is after she not only told me I need to ask how my daughter is everyday, but also after I asked her twice?

 

Any ideas?

 

The breezy, 'happy go lucky' approach obviously irritated her.

 

She doesn't want you as a friend.

 

She doesn't want to have cheery chats with you.

 

She wants you to be a father to your daughter (I hope, still.)

 

Next time, just ask how your daughter is...

Edited July 18, 2015 by Satu

[BriNyc82]

Hmm just from an outsider perspective why are you texting her with what you are doing? Why does she need to know you are drinking tea? Adding the Lol just makes it seem like you guys are chummy which I don't think you are. I think you might be trying to manipulate her? Why are you sending her pics either? If you are really curious about Ella I would keep it straight and to the point "hi, how is Ella doing today". Sorry if this is harsh. Just trying to understand why you are trying to be all friendly. It seems like when you don't get the answer you want from her you get a little irritated. Understandably so. If she says go away I would do just that!

[BriNyc82]

Satu summed it up better than I did

[hotmrw]

The reason I am trying to be nice is because she wanted to be friends

Last week I messaged the same and then asked how she was, she asked how I was, then told me she is walking home, then 30 mins later she rung me, I never answered, then she Facebook messaged me asking what one of my messages meant, I SIMPLY CANT DO RIGHT FOR DOING WRONG

 

I give up

[BriNyc82]

You don't need to be her friend right now. It's too raw. Maybe in time you can but now the #1 focus is Ella. Not all of this drama. You can still be civil and on good terms but you don't need to know each others daily business. i don't think you can reach out to her every single time expecting it to go a certain way or you will just get frustrated and let down. Focus on Ella.

[Satu]

The reason I am trying to be nice is because she wanted to be friends

Last week I messaged the same and then asked how she was, she asked how I was, then told me she is walking home, then 30 mins later she rung me, I never answered, then she Facebook messaged me asking what one of my messages meant, I SIMPLY CANT DO RIGHT FOR DOING WRONG

 

I give up

 

 

Do that.

 

Give up on your wanting to be liked by your ex.

 

Don't give up on your daughter.

[hotmrw]

I was civil, I was just saying I was having a cuppa, trying to keep things as normal as I could, I then asked how my daughter is, AS SHE ASKED ME TO DO

 

She blanked the question and asked YOU HAVING FUN IN HULL

 

I asked again, SHE BLANKED THE QUESTION AGAIN and told me to go away

 

This is not very fair, nor normal as I see it.

 

================================

 

She just messaged me back,

 

Her: I dont need you sending me pictures of Jessica Darren, Ella is fine like usual, Bye.

[Satu]

I was civil, I was just saying I was having a cuppa, trying to keep things as normal as I could, I then asked how my daughter is, AS SHE ASKED ME TO DO

 

She blanked the question and asked YOU HAVING FUN IN HULL

 

I asked again, SHE BLANKED THE QUESTION AGAIN and told me to go away

 

This is not very fair, nor normal as I see it.

 

================================

 

She just messaged me back,

 

Her: I dont need you sending me pictures of Jessica Darren, Ella is fine like usual, Bye.

 

 

Next time, do it this way:

 

 

You "Hello, how is Ella?"

 

Your ex "She's ok."

 

You "Thats good, thanks, bye.

 

 

Cut out the 'being nice' part, as its just an annoyance.

[Learningtowalkagain]

I was in your exact same position...had a daughter around the same age...she cheated on me...started dating some douchebag...I was in a LOT of pain...I eventually hated her guts. It was by far the ugliest time in my life. There are too many bad emotions. You might have had a moment of clarity where you thought you'd try to play nice. She isn't feeling it. She has her own bitter feelings towards you. I read your posts and it's obvious your ego is shattered and you're searching for answers. I did the same thing. How could she chose this douchebsg over me when we've been together for 3 years, lived together for 2 1/2 and have a kid together? Those are normal. Don't let them consume you. If you really thought about the situation you'd probably realize the relationship was on a steady decline. She wanted out, she probably hinted at this without actually outright saying it. Instead she took the hurtful shady route. I know man, it sucks...especially when there are kids involved.

 

Know what's funny? A year after my ex pulled that **** and broke up with the douchebag we decided to give it another go. This was more for my daughters sake than my own. She made me miserable but she pushed for us to try again so I gave it my best effort. I was once again miserable and I ended it for good this time...on my terms.

 

Remember this: you chose to procreate with her. Even if it wasn't planned or you guys weren't careful one night it was your choice. You chose her. You can't do anything now to win her back...you're letting this hate and bitterness consume you. Remember your daughter is the only thing that matters. As hard as it is to do you need to ignore your ex, and focus on your daughter. She needs you. After 5 years of courts and child support my ex and I are finally on good terms. Our daughter has always been priority #1 no matter how much we hated each other.

 

There's nothing anyone can say on these boards that are going to heal your pain. That's an inward journey. The best advice we can give you is how to cope with the situation. From your posts you're not coping well. I feel bad for you because I know what you're going through.

 

"In 3 words I can sum up everything I've learned in life. It goes on" - Robert Frost