So i did it... it s over :(

[Dela]

Last night while i was here, he finally texted me and told me he s coming over.

He didn t go to the sea side with his wife and kids to stay with me over the week end (he does that sometimes).

So i let him come because i needed to end this and give him his stuff back.

We spoke a lot and he told me:

"I want u to know that it was not impossible for us to be together. It s just about the choices and for now this is what i feel i should do. It is my belief that as long as the kids are in my care until they grow up, i should be there and not raise them in a broken home"

I guess i have to accept that. I guess i have to appreciate that he didn t lie and make me wait for years.

He didn t expect that we will beak up today, and he asked what are we doing.

I said "u go home, raise ur kids, take responsibility for ur choices... and i... will see what i will do." we hugged, we cried and that was it.

I m feeling all kind of emotions right now, is it so hard to let go. i love him and i hope this was all worth it, all my tears and pain i hope they are worth it.

[NewLeaf512]

I know you are hurting and I'm so sorry. You have a right to a man of you own who loves only you. All women do. In the next few days and weeks you will feel relief, despair, heartbreak, anger and more.

 

This is the right decision for all involved.

 

Please go cold turkey. Don't contact MM or anyone concerned with him. You will hurt some, but your dignity and pride won't be hurt by being humiliated by chasing a man who did not choose you.

 

Hug

[Dela]

I know you are hurting and I'm so sorry. You have a right to a man of you own who loves only you. All women do. In the next few days and weeks you will feel relief, despair, heartbreak, anger and more.

 

This is the right decision for all involved.

 

Please go cold turkey. Don't contact MM or anyone concerned with him. You will hurt some, but your dignity and pride won't be hurt by being humiliated by chasing a man who did not choose you.

 

Hug

 

 

thank you for your kind words. i know it will be hard to get over it, i don t even know where to start. it all seems hopeless right now. i already miss him...

[NewLeaf512]

thank you for your kind words. i know it will be hard to get over it, i don t even know where to start. it all seems hopeless right now. i already miss him...

 

I don't know your situation but someone here suggested to go for a walk. It was really the last thing I wanted but I forced myself out and it helped. Do you have a friend you can chat to on the phone? I've been having trouble sleeping so I have 2 Bathrooms that could substitute for an operating theatre if required.

[Satu]

thank you for your kind words. i know it will be hard to get over it, *i don t even know where to start. it all seems hopeless right now. i already miss him...

 

 

*Start here:

 

 

1. Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 1.5 litres a day for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel unwell, go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to.

 

 

You can get through this.

[Dela]

thank u for your support.

 

i had a sad day, just went for a walk and i felt numb, walking on the streets like a crazy person crying. but i do feel a liiiiiittle better.

 

i felt somehow guilty because in my head it seems a little like a abandoned him. i didn t want that. i want to be with him so bad, but not like the OW.

 

but still i feel a little guilty, since in general, i m not good with break ups.

 

i started a diary and made it like i will be writing letters to him everyday, about how i m feeling, how is my day, etc.

 

i think it would help me, since we are not communicating anymore. we we been talking everyday for 8 months and it s hard for me not to talk to him.

so i ll just write in the diary what i want to say to him.

 

so far, i miss him. i wish things had turn out differently. i wish he would have given us a change. i wish he d chose me...

 

it s good that we had closure and a proper good bye. so this is officially, my first night without him in my life. so far, i don t like it

[AnotherSadSong]

It is so difficult to walk away but you did. Take a badge of honor for it. I hope you recover quickly and find yourself in a good place.

[Dela]

It is so difficult to walk away but you did. Take a badge of honor for it. I hope you recover quickly and find yourself in a good place.

 

 

thank you so much. i dont feel brave at all.

 

i know i took this decision thinking about myself and my own good and peace of mind... but right now doesn t feel like it. i hope i will get there someday.

 

i know i will find the way back to myself. but for now, saddness is my best friend. and it s good in a way, because everyday i cry it just slowly goes away.

 

i hope more of you will know when to end it. afterall, he can always come back if he really wants to be with u (divoced, of course). i don t think our presence in their lives makes the decision faster. i think they take us for granted and they don t need to make any change.

 

thanks so much for your support and i m here for u also. we will get thru this.

Girl power

[AnotherSadSong]

thank you so much. i dont feel brave at all.

 

i know i took this decision thinking about myself and my own good and peace of mind... but right now doesn t feel like it. i hope i will get there someday.

 

i know i will find the way back to myself. but for now, saddness is my best friend. and it s good in a way, because everyday i cry it just slowly goes away.

 

i hope more of you will know when to end it. afterall, he can always come back if he really wants to be with u (divoced, of course). i don t think our presence in their lives makes the decision faster. i think they take us for granted and they don t need to make any change.

 

thanks so much for your support and i m here for u also. we will get thru this.

Girl power

 

 

You will get there! I watched a movie last night, Starry Eyes, and it reminded me of affairs and how much of your soul they suck out of you. You become a different person. It will get better, than worse then better again. Hang in there.

[Dela]

Are there any movies about how a mistress really suffers after an A?

Or about affairs in general. Would like to see some. Thanks

[NewLeaf512]

*Start here:

 

 

1. Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 1.5 litres a day for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel unwell, go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to.

 

 

You can get through this.

 

This is a great list so if you don't mind if like to use it too. I've completely isolated myself and am not answering personal mobile just work. I've lost near on a stone and today was a breakthrough with a shower and a hair wash. How long does the crisis period last? Thank you

[Dela]

This is a great list so if you don't mind if like to use it too. I've completely isolated myself and am not answering personal mobile just work. I've lost near on a stone and today was a breakthrough with a shower and a hair wash. How long does the crisis period last? Thank you

 

 

Hei, NewLeaf. How long have u been NC?

 

Your last question is a good one, i was wondering the same thing today

 

Like "OMG, it s just the first day and i feel like $h!t. how many of these are coming?"

 

Don t isolate yourself. Today, affter the break up, i cried a lot then i went for a walk. I kinda didnt want to answer my phone but my friend keep calling to see how i was. it s really good to just talk to someone.

[NewLeaf512]

Hei, NewLeaf. How long have u been NC?

 

Your last question is a good one, i was wondering the same thing today

 

Like "OMG, it s just the first day and i feel like $h!t. how many of these are coming?"

 

Don t isolate yourself. Today, affter the break up, i cried a lot then i went for a walk. I kinda didnt want to answer my phone but my friend keep calling to see how i was. it s really good to just talk to someone.

 

Only 16 days. When I have felt angry time seems to go faster, other times it feels like years and my exMM was quite a big blow out so the first 2 days I felt like I'd been punched in the face

[Satu]

This is a great list so if you don't mind if like to use it too. I've completely isolated myself and am not answering personal mobile just work. I've lost near on a stone and today was a breakthrough with a shower and a hair wash. How long does the crisis period last? Thank you

 

Feel free to do what you want with it.

 

I can't say when the crisis period ends, but my best answer would be that you're out of the crisis phase, when you're carrying out all the necessary self-caring behaviours, such as eating, drinking, resting, and interacting with other people.

 

Hope that helps.

 

 

Take care.

[Poppy47]

Last night while i was here, he finally texted me and told me he s coming over.

He didn t go to the sea side with his wife and kids to stay with me over the week end (he does that sometimes).

So i let him come because i needed to end this and give him his stuff back.

We spoke a lot and he told me:

"I want u to know that it was not impossible for us to be together. It s just about the choices and for now this is what i feel i should do. It is my belief that as long as the kids are in my care until they grow up, i should be there and not raise them in a broken home"

I guess i have to accept that. I guess i have to appreciate that he didn t lie and make me wait for years.

He didn t expect that we will beak up today, and he asked what are we doing.

I said "u go home, raise ur kids, take responsibility for ur choices... and i... will see what i will do." we hugged, we cried and that was it.

I m feeling all kind of emotions right now, is it so hard to let go. i love him and i hope this was all worth it, all my tears and pain i hope they are worth it.

In a sense the children already have a broken home. They don't know it yet and neither does their mother.

POPPY

[Satu]

thank u for your support.

 

*i started a diary and made it like i will be writing letters to him everyday, about how i m feeling, how is my day, etc.

 

i think it would help me, since we are not communicating anymore. we we been talking everyday for 8 months and it s hard for me not to talk to him.

so i ll just write in the diary what i want to say to him.

 

so far, i miss him. i wish things had turn out differently. i wish he would have given us a change. i wish he d chose me...

 

it s good that we had closure and a proper good bye. so this is officially, my first night without him in my life. so far, i don t like it

 

 

Keeping a journal is an incredibly empowering thing to do.

 

It says, "I matter, and these are my thoughts and feelings."

[Dela]

well, it s been 24 hours since the break up.

 

i slept ok last night and woke up calm in the morning. i had my "crying ritual" today also.

 

seems like i m still in the waiting mood (for the phone to ring) until i actually get used to the fact that i have nothing to wait for anymore.

 

i kinda hate my house, feels haunted by a lot of memories. i wish i could move.

 

i don t feel like going out or do anything. i m thinking about IC, but heck, i just graduated psychology (the irony...) i should know better.

 

it s another sad day..

[Goodbye]

You are doing well.

 

When I was finally able to accept it was done...he wasn't leaving, I had to make changes with myself. That is all you can do. Ultimately, the "broken home" stuff is bull*. If was concerned about preserving his family structure, he'd not be out having affairs. Men like to play around and then claim "good daddy" when scared.

 

One strategy I used (after calming down from the grief of acceptance) was I planned a trip for myself 6 months out. I could tell myself "things suck right now, but in 6 months I'll be far away in Europe and he will be a distant memory." If a big vacation is not in the budget, do something else. Something to put your mind in a new place. Take an evening class, make plans to visit an old friend. Change something so you don't get stuck in grief. Grief is a necessary process...but you can't get stuck in it or you will "relapse"...either break NC or allow him to do so. Treat yourself well. The grief WILL end.

[Goodbye]

well, it s been 24 hours since the break up.

 

i slept ok last night and woke up calm in the morning. i had my "crying ritual" today also.

 

seems like i m still in the waiting mood (for the phone to ring) until i actually get used to the fact that i have nothing to wait for anymore.

 

i kinda hate my house, feels haunted by a lot of memories. i wish i could move.

 

i don t feel like going out or do anything. i m thinking about IC, but heck, i just graduated psychology (the irony...) i should know better.

 

it s another sad day..

 

 

Yes...do get counseling. I'm a mental health professional and I needed the help of mental health professionals during my healing. I needed help understanding HOW I allowed all of this to happen, as well as a path out of my grief. Nothing wrong with it. As OW, we have been used on some level. Demoralizing. Restoring self esteem is all important for life and to shut the door on ever "going there" again. Sorry you are hurting so much. Maybe go out for a few hours and leave your phone behind?

[casey.lives]

lesson.. yes.. o..k... next time, don't walk into our own demise. married men are not available.

Edited July 19, 2015 by casey.lives

[NewLeaf512]

well, it s been 24 hours since the break up.

 

i slept ok last night and woke up calm in the morning. i had my "crying ritual" today also.

 

seems like i m still in the waiting mood (for the phone to ring) until i actually get used to the fact that i have nothing to wait for anymore.

 

i kinda hate my house, feels haunted by a lot of memories. i wish i could move.

 

i don t feel like going out or do anything. i m thinking about IC, but heck, i just graduated psychology (the irony...) i should know better.

 

it s another sad day..

 

Now Dela

 

Wasn't you who encouraged me to go out? Please take a short walk. Hug

[beach]

Isn't it interesting that you eluded to a break up with him a few days ago and he bails on a family trip to sway you into seeing him?

 

I'm glad you ended it. It means you now have the chance to find a full time available man. You deserve that.

 

Notice he didn't offer you anything new? What did he think you were supposed to do? Sex? Did he show up to get the last of that? Hoping it would change your mind?

 

You deserve better. I hope you never look back. He was only in it to satisfy his own needs. His poor wife... This guy seems so selfish.

[SoleMate]

Are there any movies about how a mistress really suffers after an A?

Wow, I can't think of any. I believe they're rare.

 

Interesting, a love/sex drama that affects so much of the population and yet gets virtually no treatment in cinema. Probably because 99% of the producers are MM-types and don't even see what we're talking about, let alone want to put it in a movie.

[TerraIncognita]

There is a movie about MM and the choices they (don't) make. It's called Intersection with Richard Gere. Not exactly on the subject, but the closest I could think of. Pretty sad. The whole situation.

[Lois_Griffin]

I suppose he can be given credit for not trying to future fake you and have you hang on for years, wasting even more of your life.

 

As with anything, these initial days are going to be the worst, but the end definitely justifies the means so the pain you're feeling now is SO worth coming out the other side.

 

Don't you picture yourself in a happy, healthy relationship one day? One where you're actually the first priority in your man's life and not somewhere behind his wife, kids, family dog and their goldfish? I mean that seriously. And finally, you won't have to hide anymore.

 

You'll make it. And you'll be so glad you did.