So i did it... it s over :(

[Dela]

Now Dela

 

Wasn't you who encouraged me to go out? Please take a short walk. Hug

 

hei. i know i know it s my second day. i did take a long nap and i feel ok now.

 

thank u:*

[Dela]

Isn't it interesting that you eluded to a break up with him a few days ago and he bails on a family trip to sway you into seeing him?

 

I'm glad you ended it. It means you now have the chance to find a full time available man. You deserve that.

 

Notice he didn't offer you anything new? What did he think you were supposed to do? Sex? Did he show up to get the last of that? Hoping it would change your mind?

 

You deserve better. I hope you never look back. He was only in it to satisfy his own needs. His poor wife... This guy seems so selfish.

 

hei beach,

 

no he didn t offer me anything new. it s just like he accepted the break up ok. or it seemes that way. he knew he.has to let me go. i was hurting so much. he said he feels guilty. i literally cried on him so many times.

 

i feel relieved somehow. sad and ****ed up but relieved. thanks so much

[Dela]

I suppose he can be given credit for not trying to future fake you and have you hang on for years, wasting even more of your life.

 

As with anything, these initial days are going to be the worst, but the end definitely justifies the means so the pain you're feeling now is SO worth coming out the other side.

 

Don't you picture yourself in a happy, healthy relationship one day? One where you're actually the first priority in your man's life and not somewhere behind his wife, kids, family dog and their goldfish? I mean that seriously. And finally, you won't have to hide anymore.

 

You'll make it. And you'll be so glad you did.

 

i appreciated that too. that he didn t have me hang on for years. and heck, i even offered to wait for him.

 

yes i picture myself like that. i m actually dreaming about it. although i m not ready to date right now and even the thought of it makes me bleah, i wanna get better and be ready for a real relationship

[beach]

Did you have sex with him?

[Dela]

Did you have sex with him?

 

yes, and cried at the same time at the end. it was awful, i felt i have no control over my emotions, they were so mixed.

 

what i don t understant and i was thinking a lot about it today is why he seemed a bit shocked when i gave him his stuff right before he left. i mean, i went to the closet, took some of his clothes out, i gave him something that i bought for him few months ago and he kept asking what am i doing.

i told him that we already had this conversation and we really don t have to have ot again. he was like "ok we dont..." (sad)

then he asked u don t want me to come over again? (he was supposed to come last night also) and i just said NO. i didn t think about it. i cried.

 

i just don t know why he acted all surprised. it really made it hard on me. it s like he wanted me to actually say it in words. i couldn t.

 

when he left i texted him and said please dn t be mad at me. he said "u know i could never be mad at u"

[Dela]

Wow, I can't think of any. I believe they're rare.

 

Interesting, a love/sex drama that affects so much of the population and yet gets virtually no treatment in cinema. Probably because 99% of the producers are MM-types and don't even see what we're talking about, let alone want to put it in a movie.

 

 

or they would make one about how the wife suffers bla bla.

i dont say she wouldn t, but still, while my MM s W doesnt know a thing and she s probably happy being clueless about what s happened, i m still here hurting like hell. i mean, it s not fair how society looks at this. we are also humans, we don t need to be labeled as mistresses. yes it s a choice, a poor one, but don t they say "u can t chose who u love?"

[NewLeaf512]

Keeping a journal is an incredibly empowering thing to do.

 

It says, "I matter, and these are my thoughts and feelings."

 

 

what about changing the focus of the diary instead of to writing to MM but writing it to yourself?

[NewLeaf512]

You are doing well.

 

When I was finally able to accept it was done...he wasn't leaving, I had to make changes with myself. That is all you can do. Ultimately, the "broken home" stuff is bull*. If was concerned about preserving his family structure, he'd not be out having affairs. Men like to play around and then claim "good daddy" when scared.

 

One strategy I used (after calming down from the grief of acceptance) was I planned a trip for myself 6 months out. I could tell myself "things suck right now, but in 6 months I'll be far away in Europe and he will be a distant memory." If a big vacation is not in the budget, do something else. Something to put your mind in a new place. Take an evening class, make plans to visit an old friend. Change something so you don't get stuck in grief. Grief is a necessary process...but you can't get stuck in it or you will "relapse"...either break NC or allow him to do so. Treat yourself well. The grief WILL end.

 

 

 

That's a great idea. I know not everyone has the resources to go on a trip like that so if you can't do that, what about volunteering at a dog's home or teaching yourself a language?

[Southern Sun]

Dela - you did the right thing.

 

You said something in one of your initial posts about how you were sad he didn't "choose" you. I hope you can stop this kind of thinking. In normal, healthy relationships, we don't place ourselves in competition for a man. And him "choosing" you does not determine your worth or value. It only feels that way because you gave him that power. At some point you will realize that this whole situation was not okay with YOU. It's just hard to see it right now.

 

You also mentioned feeling guilt. This is wrong thinking. HE is the one that had a relationship with two women. I'm not saying you were perfect, but getting stuck in guilt is something that can trip you up and could potentially cause you to reach out to him to try to "make things right" or end things on a better note, which will only re-start the cycle of misery. Let me repeat myself. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. He said he needed to end. You said, "okay." One of the worst things we can do is fight against it, or lower our standards and hang around, letting them come back in here and there when they feel like it. You said he was surprised when you sent him on his way, and he even made you say it. He was hoping for one more round. They will literally stick around until you boot them out the door.

 

On that point, he is very likely to try to come back. It's possible he won't, but many of them do. When it really hits home that the extra attention, affection and sex is GONE, he may try to come back. And you may take it as a sign that he really loves you. And you'll be wrong. Not that he may not care for you, but it will literally pull you back into the same pit of hell. Maybe it will feel good for a minute, but you will be right back where you started and you will have to go through this ALL OVER AGAIN.

 

So my best advice to you right now is:

 

Do not let him come back. Respect YOURSELF. Take care of yourself!

 

Block all avenues of contact. Do NOT let him contact you. Block emails and phone. That way you just don't even have to worry about it.

 

When you feel like contacting him...DON'T DO IT.

 

And again, you did the right thing.

[Dela]

Dela - you did the right thing.

 

You said something in one of your initial posts about how you were sad he didn't "choose" you. I hope you can stop this kind of thinking. In normal, healthy relationships, we don't place ourselves in competition for a man. And him "choosing" you does not determine your worth or value. It only feels that way because you gave him that power. At some point you will realize that this whole situation was not okay with YOU. It's just hard to see it right now.

 

You also mentioned feeling guilt. This is wrong thinking. HE is the one that had a relationship with two women. I'm not saying you were perfect, but getting stuck in guilt is something that can trip you up and could potentially cause you to reach out to him to try to "make things right" or end things on a better note, which will only re-start the cycle of misery. Let me repeat myself. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. He said he needed to end. You said, "okay." One of the worst things we can do is fight against it, or lower our standards and hang around, letting them come back in here and there when they feel like it. You said he was surprised when you sent him on his way, and he even made you say it. He was hoping for one more round. They will literally stick around until you boot them out the door.

 

On that point, he is very likely to try to come back. It's possible he won't, but many of them do. When it really hits home that the extra attention, affection and sex is GONE, he may try to come back. And you may take it as a sign that he really loves you. And you'll be wrong. Not that he may not care for you, but it will literally pull you back into the same pit of hell. Maybe it will feel good for a minute, but you will be right back where you started and you will have to go through this ALL OVER AGAIN.

 

So my best advice to you right now is:

 

Do not let him come back. Respect YOURSELF. Take care of yourself!

 

Block all avenues of contact. Do NOT let him contact you. Block emails and phone. That way you just don't even have to worry about it.

 

When you feel like contacting him...DON'T DO IT.

 

And again, you did the right thing.

 

 

thank you so much. i know i did the right thing, but it s just day 2 and i can t help but thinking thai I actually abandoned him (i know, wrong).

 

the guilt i m feeling it s towards myself and all the things that happened in this relationship. mostly my abortion and being so irresponsible.

 

i just feel it isn t right that his life just goes on as before and mine seems completely ****ed up. it isn t fair. all this has changed me a lot and although i m not sitting in bed crying all day, i just don t feel as myself anymore. i don t know who i am anymore.

 

my baby wasn t supposed to end like this because of my mistakes.

right now he s in bed with his kids and i mour my lost one. it just doesnt seem fair...

[Dela]

That's a great idea. I know not everyone has the resources to go on a trip like that so if you can't do that, what about volunteering at a dog's home or teaching yourself a language?

 

oh i have a lot of things to do in the next months, i just need the strenght to start. maybe a kick in the @$$

[Dela]

what about changing the focus of the diary instead of to writing to MM but writing it to yourself?

 

 

i will try that. but for now it helps me "say" everything i need to say to him in order to not break NC and actually tell him.

[beach]

I'm sad for you too. Unfortunately he doesn't value the words you've used and was hoping you would just stay and be satisfied being his OW. He acted as if you had said nothing about the breakup hoping you'd change your mind and keep settling for his crumbs.

 

Giving back his stuff - and the need to meet with him one last time - usually results in sex - and the impending pain that goes along with it.

 

Hugs

 

 

I hope you treat yourself kindly - and can gain enough strength to never see him again. It's like he will use you when you allow him to... Don't allow it anymore... You deserve the best! Especially a man who makes you his top priority.

 

Next time he communicates with you I hope you don't respond at all. In fact, delete and/or block him. Can you do that for your own best interest?

[Dela]

I'm sad for you too. Unfortunately he doesn't value the words you've used and was hoping you would just stay and be satisfied being his OW. He acted as if you had said nothing about the breakup hoping you'd change your mind and keep settling for his crumbs.

 

Giving back his stuff - and the need to meet with him one last time - usually results in sex - and the impending pain that goes along with it.

 

Hugs

 

 

I hope you treat yourself kindly - and can gain enough strength to never see him again. It's like he will use you when you allow him to... Don't allow it anymore... You deserve the best! Especially a man who makes you his top priority.

 

Next time he communicates with you I hope you don't respond at all. In fact, delete and/or block him. Can you do that for your own best interest?

 

 

i really don t think he will contact me. he knows he has to let me go.

he told me that he was also thinking fo some time to just leave me alone because it is so good to have me in his life (i don t really know what that means).

 

and TBH i think i would like to see IF he tries to contact me and when the reality of me not being in his life will hit him. and heck, if i want him to bother me i can always say "leave me alone or i will tell your W everything".

i m sure that would work )

[Satu]

Just a thought about two kinds of pain:

 

 

1. There is necessary pain, like having a dislocated shoulder put back in, or going through a grieving process.

 

2. There is unnecessary pain like allowing someone to hurt you, when you're free to walk away, or falling repeatedly from a tree that you know you can't climb.

 

 

I believe that what you are going through is necessary pain, and I respect you for making that choice.

 

 

Take care.

[Dela]

**** to stop bothering me***

[beach]

It's your boundary to set. Blocking him helps your healing to progress - just from the fact that you are taking action to get your power back...that power you were handing over to him.

 

Placing the distance between you and your MM has advantages for you in the long run. You know then, that he can't contact you. It allows you to begin healing knowing that you took charge of your life and happiness by eliminating a man who was willing to use you but not love you long term.

 

Taking your power back with a healthy boundary is a good step for your well being.

 

It will hurt for a little bit but it also allows you to feel like you've made a decision that's in your best interest.

[Southern Sun]

thank you so much. i know i did the right thing, but it s just day 2 and i can t help but thinking thai I actually abandoned him (i know, wrong).

 

the guilt i m feeling it s towards myself and all the things that happened in this relationship. mostly my abortion and being so irresponsible.

 

i just feel it isn t right that his life just goes on as before and mine seems completely ****ed up. it isn t fair. all this has changed me a lot and although i m not sitting in bed crying all day, i just don t feel as myself anymore. i don t know who i am anymore.

 

my baby wasn t supposed to end like this because of my mistakes.

right now he s in bed with his kids and i mour my lost one. it just doesnt seem fair...

 

I am glad you know that you did NOT abandon him. It is not true. He is a grown man. Do not let that thought take hold.

 

The thoughts about the baby are probably confusing your feelings for everythingn else. I think I missed that part of the story. I imagine it is adding to your grief and making it extra difficult. I am so sorry for that.

 

Please know that the best thing you can do now is make right choices. Don't perpetuate your pain by adding to it. Do what HELPS you (and it may feel counterintuitive...no knee-jerk reactions). Think about how you can take care of yourself. Sometimes we need to try to stand outside of ourselves and think about what those things are. If a good friend or sister was going through this, how would you care for her? Think about that and try to do those things for yourself.

 

Yes, it's just day two. It will get better, I promise...but you must stay in it in order to move past it.

 

(ETA - I mean you cannot try to relieve your pain by going to the source of your pain...him).

Edited July 19, 2015 by Southern Sun

[sookie321]

 

seems like i m still in the waiting mood (for the phone to ring) until i actually get used to the fact that i have nothing to wait for anymore.

 

i kinda hate my house, feels haunted by a lot of memories. i wish i could move.

 

i don t feel like going out or do anything. i m thinking about IC, but heck, i just graduated psychology (the irony...) i should know better.

 

it s another sad day..

 

Dear Dela,

 

I'm in a very similar situation right now. It's day 2 and everytime the phone rings my heart skips a beat. Hate myself for that. For still having hope or whatever the hell that is.

 

But you know what? This will pass!

Sure there will be weak moments, but what I've learned in life so far is that you have to be good for yourself, it's the only way.

 

Maybe it seems a bit crazy, but I try to stop and honestly ask myself: is this what you need right now? (no matter what it is) If the answer is yes, as in 'yes I need to grieve right now' I just let it and give into it for a limited period of time.

 

As for the movies about MM only one comes to my mind: Match Point by Woody Allen. Although it shocked me while watching few years ago somehow never thought of it until now. Isn't it ironic?

 

Sending you hugs and best wishes! We will survive this and life does get only better from now!

[Dela]

I am glad you know that you did NOT abandon him. It is not true. He is a grown man. Do not let that thought take hold.

 

The thoughts about the baby are probably confusing your feelings for everythingn else. I think I missed that part of the story. I imagine it is adding to your grief and making it extra difficult. I am so sorry for that.

 

Please know that the best thing you can do now is make right choices. Don't perpetuate your pain by adding to it. Do what HELPS you (and it may feel counterintuitive...no knee-jerk reactions). Think about how you can take care of yourself. Sometimes we need to try to stand outside of ourselves and think about what those things are. If a good friend or sister was going through this, how would you care for her? Think about that and try to do those things for yourself.

 

Yes, it's just day two. It will get better, I promise...but you must stay in it in order to move past it.

 

(ETA - I mean you cannot try to relieve your pain by going to the source of your pain...him).

 

 

thanks so much.

 

i guess i m grieving the loss of boh of them. it s all mixed up.

i won t contact him and give him the satisfaction. i m sure this decision will make him see me differently, that i can really stand up for myself and stop it, as much as i love him.

 

u know, my friend once asked me : why would u be with a married man? why would u even be with him if he even divorces? he has 2 kids forever, his wife will always be in the picture, he had a wedding and the born of his kids. nothing is new to him anymore. he will never have the same joy. u deserve a man that can share with u those moments. u are young and beautful and educated and u can love a man with all your heart. so, why?"

 

that was a wise question. i think we should all ask ourselves this.

[Dela]

Dear Dela,

 

I'm in a very similar situation right now. It's day 2 and everytime the phone rings my heart skips a beat. Hate myself for that. For still having hope or whatever the hell that is.

 

But you know what? This will pass!

Sure there will be weak moments, but what I've learned in life so far is that you have to be good for yourself, it's the only way.

 

Maybe it seems a bit crazy, but I try to stop and honestly ask myself: is this what you need right now? (no matter what it is) If the answer is yes, as in 'yes I need to grieve right now' I just let it and give into it for a limited period of time.

 

As for the movies about MM only one comes to my mind: Match Point by Woody Allen. Although it shocked me while watching few years ago somehow never thought of it until now. Isn't it ironic?

 

Sending you hugs and best wishes! We will survive this and life does get only better from now!

 

 

hei. how are u holding up? how long was ur A? i m here for u

[sookie321]

I am not quite sure what was the begining of it.

 

Long story short, we were working together and bonded really slowly, became friends since had so much in common. Cought myself smilling every now and then while thinking about him but knew he wasn't available (kind of - he's much of a introvert and no one at work really knew if he was married, just that he has kids) and never even planned to go there or acted on it.

 

One day he confessed strong feelings for me. I didn't take him seriously at first, thought it was some kind of a joke. It wasn't. Few months passed we slept together. The logic was simple - let's spend some time together and maybe it will seem differently and feelings will pass (stupidity level: 100 as thinking of it now).

 

His W found out.

I got pregnant from that 1 time decided not to go through with it.

He told her.

She got sick.

He had a plan for leaving.

Didn't do much about it and didn't leave.

Quit the job though.

 

So here I am now, 6 months later venting on your thread. I'm sorry.

Edited July 19, 2015 by sookie321

[Dela]

I am not quite sure what was the begining of it.

 

Long story short, we were working together and bonded really slowly, became friends since had so much in common. Cought myself smilling every now and then while thinking about him but knew he wasn't available (kind of - he's much of a introvert and no one at work really knew if he was married, just that he has kids) and never even planned to go there or acted on it.

 

One day he confessed strong feelings for me. I didn't take him seriously at first, thought it was some kind of a joke. It wasn't. Few months passed we slept together. The logic was simple - let's spend some time together and maybe it will seem differently and feelings will pass (stupidity level: 100 as thinking of it now).

 

His W found out.

I got pregnant from that 1 time decided not to go through with it.

He told her.

She got sick.

He had a plan for leaving.

Didn't do much about it and didn't leave.

 

So here I am now, 6 months later venting on your thread. I'm sorry.

 

 

no, dont worry about it. i m sory for your loss (the baby). i know the feeling

 

u should use this time for yourself to heal. i know it s hard, i feel like i m dying in here myself.

they all seem to have a plan, but they never go thru with it.

i dontunderstand though, when the wife finds out and she still stays in the marriage. i mean, what s up with that?

[Popsicle]

I'm really proud of you a Dela. You did the right thing.

 

I'm reminded of the lyrics from the song "I will always love you"...

[Dela]

I'm really proud of you a Dela. You did the right thing.

 

I'm reminded of the lyrics from the song "I will always love you"...

 

thanks so much. i am little proud of myself too.

its day 3 and man, i slept a lot. woke up and had the usual "morning crying ritual" and i rushed to see what s new with everyone in here.

everyone here has helped me a lot the last day and i thank you from the bottom of my heart.

i planned a lunch with a friend later today. it is time i get out of the house for few hours.

i don t know how i m feeling today. i do miss him but i ll get used to it