Can men ever get over their partner's infidelity? (Updated)

[elaine567]

This question is prompted by a recent post where a BH walked out apparently suddenly, after 8 years of supposed reconciling.

 

After their female partner/wife's affair, many men decide to stay, decide to reconcile, but when life is so short, is it really worth what appears to me to be torture?

 

I see BHs here all the time, triggering, annoyed, angry, upset, shouting the odds about whores and sluts and giving WWs and APs a hard time.

Are they representative of betrayed men in general (if they had a voice), or just a vocal minority?

 

Is it even possible as a man to truly get over the infidelity of their female partner, some here are still metaphorically beating up their cheating women after 5, 10, 20, 30.... years!!!

 

I would postulate, men especially, do NOT ever get over their woman cheating on them.

"I, as a man, was not enough for her, she had to get it elsewhere..."

It is a huge raw wound that can be made to bleed in an instant.

SO any WW under the illusion that her man is "over it", I guess is fooling herself.

Is this actually true?

 

Is the perceived or actual emasculation caused by the affair, just too much for men in general to handle or to bear? and thus they find it difficult or perhaps impossible to forgive and forget?

[AnotherSadSong]

This question is prompted by a recent post where a BH walked out apparently suddenly, after 8 years of supposed reconciling.

 

After their female partner/wife's affair, many men decide to stay, decide to reconcile, but when life is so short, is it really worth what appears to me to be torture?

 

I see BHs here all the time, triggering, annoyed, angry, upset, shouting the odds about whores and sluts and giving WWs and APs a hard time.

Are they representative of betrayed men in general (if they had a voice), or just a vocal minority?

 

Is it even possible as a man to truly get over the infidelity of their female partner, some here are still metaphorically beating up their cheating women after 5, 10, 20, 30.... years!!!

 

I would postulate, men especially, do NOT ever get over their woman cheating on them.

"I, as a man, was not enough for her, she had to get it elsewhere..."

It is a huge raw wound that can be made to bleed in an instant.

SO any WW under the illusion that her man is "over it", I guess is fooling herself.

Is this actually true?

 

Is the perceived or actual emasculation caused by the affair, just too much for men in general to handle or to bear? and thus they find it difficult or perhaps impossible to forgive and forget?

 

 

A larger percentage of men leave off the bat, no reconciliation. They understand what an affair means and make or except no excuses. They are done. A few do reconcile and I agree, they will always hold contempt. I think it is less emasculation, but their logical thinking of what it mean if they themselves cheated and what would be the reasons behind it.

 

 

More men shake their heads in disbelief when they see a woman they know reconciling with a cheating husband. I have heard it first hand many times. Are they that stupid with a grin of disbelief? Do they have any self respect? Can you believe that?

[WasOtherWoman]

I personally don't think an affair (depending upon the circumstances) is reason to leave a marriage (despite the fact that I left my then husband for cheating, years ago... I am now older and wiser).

 

I think for men specifically to get over cheating, they need to get past their own ego (i tend to think more like a man, probably why I actually left back then).

 

So, to answer the question, yes I do believe some can. I also happen to think that many of the men on here are much more "enlightened" (for lack of a better word) than many men IRL in that they are here, they discuss, they listen, they learn, they offer advice, opinions, etc. I don't know many men like that in real life.

 

Those are the men that I believe can get past an affair. I think the rest of them are just living in limbo, too comfortable to leave but not happy.

[Keenly]

I'm that specific situation, we don't know what the dynamic was like.

 

 

If the cheating spouse shows very little remorse, or they say they feel remorse but their actions say " get over it " then they are more likely to walk out.

 

 

As everyone knows, cheating is a big deal, and in my experience men really appreciate trust. Usually they just don't know it until there isn't any trust left.

 

 

Who wants to be with a woman, the sex that gets hit on, that you can't even trust to keep her hands off another guys junk?

 

Especially the ones that have low self esteem and feed off of the attention from other men. Those ones are the least trustworthy.

 

 

Nope, no personal experience here at all. ;-)

[fellini]

I honestly believe you have it completely backwards. The BHs "here" you speak of, from my 2 years experience, are BHs who DUMPED their WWs and are annoyed (at people who reconcile, and all WS's in general), angry upset, shouting, frequently refer to WW as whores, sluts, constantly try to provoke BH's who are in R with graphic violent images about "vaginas", blowjobs, spreading legs, sucking, f--cking, and anything they can think of that will trigger and outrage a reconciling BH.

 

Reconciling BH's I have found, generally to be more complex, understanding, gentle, supportive, open and humble.

 

So maybe the question is: Has kicking a WW to the curb permitted, brought any peace to these BH's? So why are they here "metaphorically still beating up their cheating women after 5, 10, 20, 30.... years!!!" after the fact, after divorce? Why are they still here expressing their hatred through OTHER BH's who have NOT yet separated.

 

They aren't with these women, they supposedly did "the right thing" and here they are angrier than ever saying everything they can to STOP a BH from doing WHAT THEY DID NOT DO.

 

I wouldn't be surprised that a large number of BH's who reconciled, or are reconciling, have stopped reading LS because it takes enormous strength to sift through the abusive talk, and who needs to be triggered constantly in a support forum?

 

 

 

 

I see BHs here all the time, triggering, annoyed, angry, upset, shouting the odds about whores and sluts and giving WWs and APs a hard time.

Are they representative of betrayed men in general (if they had a voice), or just a vocal minority?

 

Is it even possible as a man to truly get over the infidelity of their female partner, some here are still metaphorically beating up their cheating women after 5, 10, 20, 30.... years!!!

Edited July 18, 2015 by fellini

[autumnnight]

Honestly, I do not think so. There may be one man in...10,000 who can actually have what I would call a real marriage with a woman after she cheats. I think the only hope for a WW is for the BH to divorce, process, sow whatever "balancing oats" he needs top sow...and then maybe he will come back and want a real marriage.

 

I think the vast majority of men who stay married to a WW do not view their wives as women/valuable/redeemed/equal ever again no matter what she does. That is not a slam; I think it's just wiring. On LS there is one person who I thought was a truly recovered BH (or at least on the way), and now it turns out his wife may be up to something again.

 

I really think in a BH/WW situation the best thing for everyone is just go ahead and divorce.

[elaine567]

I honestly believe you have it completely backwards. The BHs "here" you speak of, from my 2 years experience, are BHs who DUMPED their WWs and are annoyed (at people who reconcile, and all WS's in general), angry upset, shouting, frequently refer to WW as whores, sluts, constantly try to provoke BH's who are in R with graphic violent images about "vaginas", blowjobs, spreading legs, sucking, f--cking, and anything they can think of that will trigger and outrage a reconciling BH.

 

Reconciling BH's I have found, generally to be more complex, understanding, gentle, supportive, open and humble.

 

So maybe the question is: Has kicking a WW to the curb permitted, or "Is it even possible as a man to truly get over the infidelity of their female partner, some here are still metaphorically beating up their cheating women after 5, 10, 20, 30.... years!!!" after the fact. They aren't with these women, they supposedly did "the right thing" and here they are angrier than ever saying everything they can to STOP a BH from doing WHAT THEY DID NOT DO.

 

Yes, I see what you are saying and perhaps my mentioning "reconciling" at the start led you down the wrong path as to what I was trying to say here. Sorry!

 

I was speaking about all betrayed men in general, those who reconcile, those who attempt it and those who kick to the kerb.

Is it ever possible to forgive and forget?

[Woggle]

I would never forgive it and I would dump her on the spot. It's called self respect.

[m.snow]

This question is prompted by a recent post where a BH walked out apparently suddenly, after 8 years of supposed reconciling.

 

After their female partner/wife's affair, many men decide to stay, decide to reconcile, but when life is so short, is it really worth what appears to me to be torture?

 

I see BHs here all the time, triggering, annoyed, angry, upset, shouting the odds about whores and sluts and giving WWs and APs a hard time.

Are they representative of betrayed men in general (if they had a voice), or just a vocal minority?

 

Is it even possible as a man to truly get over the infidelity of their female partner, some here are still metaphorically beating up their cheating women after 5, 10, 20, 30.... years!!!

 

I would postulate, men especially, do NOT ever get over their woman cheating on them.

"I, as a man, was not enough for her, she had to get it elsewhere..."

It is a huge raw wound that can be made to bleed in an instant.

SO any WW under the illusion that her man is "over it", I guess is fooling herself.

Is this actually true?

 

Is the perceived or actual emasculation caused by the affair, just too much for men in general to handle or to bear? and thus they find it difficult or perhaps impossible to forgive and forget?

the voice and opinions of wayward husbands are rare. most men would never share it. the BH here in LS give you an insight to what occurs inside men's thoughts after an affair.

 

you say get past your ego. and become a doormat? no

 

after reading through different threads the most common theme i see is that;

 

most female threaders, tend to sympathize/support or back-up wayward wives but are not kind to wayward husband.

 

most female threaders, support reconciliation for betrayed husband. but no reconciliation for betrayed wife.

 

most female threaders, support wife leaving husband but not husband leaving wife.

 

most female threaders, believe that when wife cheats because somethings wrong with relationship but when husband cheats somethings wrong with him. hence the notion men and women cheat for different reason which is definitely not true.

[Owl6118]

The law of large numbers comes into play here. In a huge world of huge numbers of people and couples you will find examples of anything.

 

But to get to brass tacks, I am thinking of at least two truly successful reconciliations of a female WS and male BS which shared one particular characteristic. These were both case is which the male BS had some grievous character flaws and baggage of his own that he brought into the marriage prior to the affair.

 

One was an alcoholic. Another had been a functional but profound depressive for years on end, totally cut off from true intimacy.

 

After DDay both of these guys got 2x4ed on forums right and left that "the affair was not your fault" and "you are trying to control the outcome." But they were deep thinkers and deep feelers. They knew the difference between taking blame for the affair, and accepting that, in the wake of their marriages being laid to utter waste and ruin, they had to choose how to get on in life. How to start over as well as who to start over with or without.

 

They chose to fix the **** that really was theirs to fix.

 

And I think that hitting bottom and finding willingness to confront their own deep failings and flaws helped them find empathy for their wives' mistakes--without taking blame for them.

 

It's one road that a few have traveled.

[purplesorrow]

I would never forgive it and I would dump her on the spot. It's called self respect.

 

Forgiving means one has no self respect?

[nightmare01]

I actually wrote a lengthy reply to this, but LS decided to log me out and my message got lost.

 

It's a complex issue for men - and I see a lot of generalizing and misdirection here.

 

I was speaking about all betrayed men in general, those who reconcile, those who attempt it and those who kick to the kerb.

Is it ever possible to forgive and forget?

 

Forgive? Yes it's possible but it depends on our WW who has to behave in a way that allows us to forgive. Forget? No. never. But really, who would forget a life changing calamity like this?

[World's.Edge]

I think that there's this mistaken and simple belief held by some women that when a man is cheated on, it's their ego that is dealt a blow and that's all there is to it. That in order for a man to move past the infidelity, he has to move past his own ego.

 

Infidelity, regardless of gender, can be traumatic. To experience it is to experience a trauma.

 

As with any trauma, you (plural) don't just get over it. You work through it and/or learn to live with it.

 

There's a difference between actual reconciliation and just staying married. To reconcile requires the active involvement of the betrayed and the adulterous spouse. It requires true remorse, understanding, communication and patience (time) amongst other things.

And even then that might not be enough because, let's face it, to cheat on someone is pretty f***ed up and not everyone can accept and move past it.

 

Men tend to be less willing (or able) to confront emotional issues. Less willling to express their feelings and emotions and talk about them. Failure to confront and address the affair and issues and feelings regarding the affair leaves them unresolved.

 

These unresolved emotions and issues then plague and fester and can result in resentment, anger, bitterness, depression, anxiety and loathing, amongst other things.

[nightmare01]

As men we are reluctant to open ourselves up and be vulnerable to anyone. It takes a tremendous amount of trust in our wives before we can do it. However when our WW has an affair we assume we were made a laughing stock with her and her OM. All our insecurities are laughed at. All our secrets are shared with this other man.. this stranger.. who will in turn tell all his buddies.

 

I believe that OM get off on emasculating BH's. They enjoy risky behavior with our WW, going places in public with them, having sex in our marital bed, meeting our children, almost getting caught by the BH. What this amounts to is emotional rape of the BH.

[Woggle]

Forgiving means one has no self respect?

 

To me people who just take back a cheater without at least making them earn their way back into your life need to learn how to love themselves.

[purplesorrow]

To me people who just take back a cheater without at least making them earn their way back into your life need to learn how to love themselves.

 

That isn't what your initial response said so I was curious.

[Woggle]

As men we are reluctant to open ourselves up and be vulnerable to anyone. It takes a tremendous amount of trust in our wives before we can do it. However when our WW has an affair we assume we were made a laughing stock with her and her OM. All our insecurities are laughed at. All our secrets are shared with this other man.. this stranger.. who will in turn tell all his buddies.

 

I believe that OM get off on emasculating BH's. They enjoy risky behavior with our WW, going places in public with them, having sex in our marital bed, meeting our children, almost getting caught by the BH. What this amounts to is emotional rape of the BH.

 

This right here. It is very hard for men in this society to open ourselves up and let our emotions show and when we do and it is used against it feels like such a betrayal. That is why you see some guys that are just so cold hearted with women. They gave their heart to a woman and it blew up in their face. It is extremely hard to open up after that. Showing vulnerability to my current wife was hands down the scariest thing I ever did in my life.

 

It's all fun and games for the OM until he is on the receiving end of a betrayed man's rage. When I caught my ex in bed with another man he ran out of the house so fast I thought he was going to leave burn marks.

[central]

I've read that about a third reconcile and stay together. How good their marriage is after that is largely unknown, but there have been some posters who have gone on to have a better - even great - marriage. I think those are the exception, though. Of course, at the other end there are those who reconcile only to find that they can't make it work, so eventually split up anyway. A lot depends on individual circumstances and the sincerity of the WS's attempts to reconcile.

[nightmare01]

Whether we admit it or not, a lot of men are at least somewhat insecure with our sexuality - we're uncertain if our WW is actually having great sex with us, or just putting on a great act. It takes time and trust to build up some security in our love making with our wife, and when she cheats all that gets burned to ashes.

 

OTOH the OM gets a boost - he believes he must be better in the sack than the BH because why else would his wife come to him for sex? This is a boost to his ego. He has taken from the BH what was his, and used it for his own pleasure. And when the affair he tosses the WW back, knowing that she may or may not go back to her husband - and not really caring either way. He had is fun with BH's woman.. and actually this amounts to a symbolic rape of the BH.

[amerikajin]

I could forgive it - I wouldn't ever once forget it, and I would probably never tell her that I'm the forgiving type, but yeah, I could forgive and be willing to make amends. Once, anyway.

 

But I would probably ask for some time apart. Might move into my mother's house or into an apartment for a few weeks or months. And I would want the process of reconciliation to be long and slow, and I would want serious answers to serious questions. I would be willing to consider my own shortcomings and pledge to work on them, so long as she would also be willing to acknowledge her own issues in return and accept that infidelity is not an appropriate response to marital discord. Anything short of that, and it would be on to divorce court.

[nightmare01]

After an affair I think most men would want to at least try for reconciliation. We've invested emotionally and physically with our WW - we have years of shared history - we have children together - we have financial security. We want back what we had before, but it's a difficult lesson to learn that that will never happen.

 

When a WW is less than perfect in her attempt at reconciliation, a lot of us stay in the marriage for the sake of our children. Divorce laws being what they are - "no fault" divorce will almost always give custody of the children to the WW. This will place our children possibly in the home of a OM. There is danger in this for our children as a lot of step fathers abuse kids. For me, the idea of another man laying his hands on my daughters... that was simply unacceptable.

 

So we stay. And eventually reconciliation can come if the WW wakes up and starts doing the work to win us back. If the WW does not wake up, then often after our children reach an age where they can protect themselves or when they are grown and out of the house, then we divorce our WW. This may happen 10, 15, 20 years after Dday. But those years don't matter, the divorce is because of the affair. We just bided our time for the sake of our kids.

[elaine567]

 

most female threaders, tend to sympathize/support or back-up wayward wives but are not kind to wayward husband.

 

most female threaders, support reconciliation for betrayed husband. but no reconciliation for betrayed wife.

 

most female threaders, support wife leaving husband but not husband leaving wife.

 

most female threaders, believe that when wife cheats because somethings wrong with relationship but when husband cheats somethings wrong with him. hence the notion men and women cheat for different reason which is definitely not true.

 

I am sorry but what has the thoughts of "female threaders" got to do with whether or not men get over infidelity?

[amerikajin]

Is the perceived or actual emasculation caused by the affair, just too much for men in general to handle or to bear? and thus they find it difficult or perhaps impossible to forgive and forget?

 

Basically, yes, I would say that this is the issue in a lot of cases. Men often equate dating and relationships with the opposite sex in terms of competition with other males. In fact men always see themselves competing with other men in one form or another, whether it's at the office, against a competitor entrepreneur, making the football team, gambling, or sex. Men were born to compete with other men.

 

When a wife has an affair, the man interprets the affair as a 'loss', a defeat. Another guy is 'better' than he is, and to make matters worse, it's the ultimate competition: the competition for sexual reproduction, which is about as primal and instinctive as it gets.

 

A guy has a hard time getting over it because he 'lost' the ultimate competition to a stranger. And his WW basically was the person that awarded the other guy the victory, and left him stained with defeat. Obviously, there's a deep sense of broken love comes pain. But yeah, I'd say that the male ego is a huge part of the deal.

 

I think it's essential for males to give up their egos if they ever want to recover. Even a divorce won't solve their problems. They still have to live with the fact that they 'lost'. Full recover requires keeping the ego out of the relationship and embracing humility.

[AnotherSadSong]

After an affair I think most men would want to at least try for reconciliation. We've invested emotionally and physically with our WW - we have years of shared history - we have children together - we have financial security. We want back what we had before, but it's a difficult lesson to learn that that will never happen.

 

When a WW is less than perfect in her attempt at reconciliation, a lot of us stay in the marriage for the sake of our children. Divorce laws being what they are - "no fault" divorce will almost always give custody of the children to the WW. This will place our children possibly in the home of a OM. There is danger in this for our children as a lot of step fathers abuse kids. For me, the idea of another man laying his hands on my daughters... that was simply unacceptable.

 

So we stay. And eventually reconciliation can come if the WW wakes up and starts doing the work to win us back. If the WW does not wake up, then often after our children reach an age where they can protect themselves or when they are grown and out of the house, then we divorce our WW. This may happen 10, 15, 20 years after Dday. But those years don't matter, the divorce is because of the affair. We just bided our time for the sake of our kids.

 

Statistics show the majority of men leave, some may stay and reconcile. If you look at the huge number of divorces today, many being non affair related and the issues are far less than betrayal and broken vows, the couple break up regardless of history or whatever...they are done.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

I'd say they represent a vocal minority. That being said, "minority" modifies "vocal," as I think most men who have endured the business end of adultery have a lot of angst and anger about it, but aren't particularly vocal about it.

 

If I had an unfaithful wife, I'd just drop the marriage and relationship. I think the effort and time just isn't worth it, and I can start fresh with another woman and not deal with that baggage.

 

For me it is an efficiency test: dealing with the protracted process of reconciliation just isn't worth it for me. I've never met a woman that would be worth it.