Can men ever get over their partner's infidelity? (Updated)

July 18, 2015

To me trust is a vital part of a relationship and a cheating woman is not trustworthy.

July 18, 2015

I think it's essential for males to give up their egos if they ever want to recover. Even a divorce won't solve their problems. They still have to live with the fact that they 'lost'. Full recover requires keeping the ego out of the relationship and embracing humility.

The ego takes a blow - you've got that right. But I doubt anyone can ever give up their ego.

In my experience I told my WW to just GO to OM if he was "all that". I was not about to be a back up plan. You want him? There's the door. We'll divide everything by 2, and you can be on your way. Have a happy life.

After that she clung to me like nobody's business.

Honestly, my best revenge would have been if she had taken me up on that divorce. I doubt they would have lasted a year before killing each other.

July 18, 2015

most female threaders, support wife leaving husband but not husband leaving wife.

most female threaders, believe that when wife cheats because somethings wrong with relationship but when husband cheats somethings wrong with him. hence the notion men and women cheat for different reason which is definitely not true.

As I've posted before, men and women have affairs for different reasons. The underlying root in a lot of cases is frustration and dissatisfaction with the state of the relationship, but that frustration tends to have different origins.

When men cheat, it is often done because of some perceived assault on the ego. Men cheat because their wives do things - probably unintentionally - that make them feel like little boys, rather than the paternalistic and testosterone-loaded characters we often strive to be. We cheat because our wive's criticize us and affair partners (especially office secretaries) make men feel like they are dominant beings who can do no wrong. So men go out and use sex as a way to 'conquer' someone half their age, to prove to themselves (and maybe even to others on some level) that they're still men, that they can still compete, that they've still got what it takes to be called a man.

And then they end up feeling like complete horse sh*t once they get exposed for what they are: people who chose a very destructive, dishonorable way to deal with a problem. Rather than communicating about it, they concealed their problems and ran off to have some sort of escape. Men, many more times than not, will end up feeling guilty, come to their senses, realize what a mistake they've made, and beg their wives for forgiveness.

Women are a completely different species.

I would say that women, while more comfortable communicating about what they see wrong in the relationship, are less likely to do something that would patently jeopardize it. Their negativity might have a gradually corrosive effect on the man's psyche, and in so doing cause harm in that regard, but they're less likely to make stupid decisions that would call their judgment into question. I'm speaking as a male here: men generally have better judgment than men. They see things from 360 degree angles, whereas men tend to fixate on certain things.

Anyway, I digress....

When it comes to women, they usually don't arrive at the decision to have an affair lightly. It usually takes a lot of time for them to get to that point. And unlike men, who cheat because their egos are dented, women stray when they feel like they are losing their man's affection. Staying at the office late. Going out with the guys. Never being home. That leaves a woman feeling under-valued, and when that little word starts to appear inside a woman's head, watch the hell out.

Sex is also just as important for women as it is for men but for different reasons. Men tend to need throbbing, ejaculatory sex. Again, a way to reinforce their virility and masculinity. Women need some sort of sex, too, but it's not the same. Women need the throbbing sex, of course, but the bigger crime is not being creative or thorough enough with sex. Having sex just to the point of ejaculation isn't sex in a woman's eyes; it's just another form of masturbation that leaves a woman feeling cheap, like a slut. A lot of guys really go off the rails here, thinking they've gotten laid and made a woman happy when all they've done is shot their wad and made their wives feel like a cheap sex toy.

Over time, the animosity builds. A woman's hurt is deeper - much deeper. I mean, think about it. A guy losing his ego is a short-term thing. A woman who feels like she's nothing but a maid and an occasional sex buddy...that's a long-term hurt. That doesn't go away.

The result is, when a woman gets to this point, she is no longer at the point of forgive and forget. It's not even about revenge, which actually drives a lot of male affairs (revenge for an injured ego). A woman's affair is usually driven by a desire to be with someone who appreciate's her, who will take care of her needs, who will tell her she's beautiful and give her what she deserves.

No cheating is ever right. But i think the big problem for us men is that we fail to see where cheating comes from. We fail to acknowledge the differences between men and women. We assume it's all the same, but it's just not.

July 18, 2015

To me trust is a vital part of a relationship and a cheating woman is not trustworthy.

That's true and there's no disputing that. In reality, there's really no way for me to know how I'd feel unless it happened, and fortunately it hasn't yet.

I guess the other part of this is, cheating probably makes it hard for you to ever see your partner in the same way ever again. If you go from really loving and adoring your partner, I don't know how you ever get that back. Some people can live with that 'lesser' version of their partner. But many can't.

July 18, 2015

If I had an unfaithful wife, I'd just drop the marriage and relationship. I think the effort and time just isn't worth it, and I can start fresh with another woman and not deal with that baggage.

Since you're not speaking from actual experience I'll discount your opinion. Before it happens practically all of us SAY that we will leave if our spouse has an affair... but when it actually happens we find the situation we are in much more complex than we imagined.

Consider this at least. Which woman is more likely to remain faithful - a woman who has cheated, learned her lessons, fixed herself, knows her weaknesses and guards against them, OR a woman who has never cheated just just assumes she would "never do that"?

One knows the risks of contact with the opposite sex and guards herself. The other just assumes she won't be tempted and does not guard against it.

July 18, 2015

I'm speaking as a male here: men generally have better judgment than men. They see things from 360 degree angles, whereas men tend to fixate on certain things.

Sorry, meant that women have better judgment than men.

July 18, 2015

That's true and there's no disputing that. In reality, there's really no way for me to know how I'd feel unless it happened, and fortunately it hasn't yet.

I guess the other part of this is, cheating probably makes it hard for you to ever see your partner in the same way ever again. If you go from really loving and adoring your partner, I don't know how you ever get that back. Some people can live with that 'lesser' version of their partner. But many can't.

If I were single I would never commit to a cheater so why would I stay committed to one. Cheating would remove so many aspects of what I love so much about my wife that the only thing left would be the physical and you can't a successful relationship based on that.

July 18, 2015

I'm one of the guys that if you cheat, your gone and I also believe that if I was the one cheating, I would get the same in return.

It's called the bonds of trust being broken. The one person who you thought you could count on puts a knife in your back is a deal breaker.

I wouldn't want to live my life with someone where I always have that nagging feeling is she where she says she's at. Is she with whose she say's she's with, is she doing what she says she's doing.

That isn't any way to live and even if there's a reconcile between them, there's always a few things to remind you of that one horrible day when your spouse betrayed you. Be it a song you here on the radio, or a TV show, either way all it does is bring up some real ugly period in your life that you don't want to re hash so in my case it's a one and done.

Some wont agree wit me and I respect that but I wont take that chance knowing that if it happened once before that it wont happen again.

July 18, 2015

Yes it can happen but not often, I think it may be fairly rare in most cases. I see several reasons why I've been able to get over it (thus far, 10 months since dday):

1. I wanted to get over it. Period. Start there. I made the decision early on that I was not going to ruin years of my life stewing over her poor choices. I was moving on with or without her. She controlled what she did and I had the same choice. I chose to move on and I chose to be happy. That is not an easy choice to make, it's much easier to wallow in pain and despair. It feels better to remain the victim. It feels better to hold all that over her. But that does not make you happy and does not punish her. It makes both of you miserable and leads to divorce.

2. Ego. I have learned in business that ego can destroy everything. Business deals, clients, relationships. You must at times set aside your ego in life for the greater good. I know from experience with other men in business that this is very hard for them, impossible in many cases and that is why 60% of men leave when the affair is found out. Their ego will not allow them to stay.

3. Expectations. On dday I set certain expectations. One was no contact from that day on and think I've gotten that. You cannot forgive and get over it if the WW is not willing to commit 100% to this. No contact ever again.

4. A WW that wants you to get over it and is willing to do whatever it takes. It's hard to describe what this is but you know it when your getting it.

5. Deep thinkers only need to apply. If a man is not someone who see's all sides on an argument and can analyze things clearly and without emotion it's not a good sign.

6. It takes a strong man with high self esteem and self confidence. It's a huge blow to self esteem and if your not strong it will be easier to run away to fix the problem.

It is possible for men to get over this but only a very small percentage are able to do it. I've seen numbers from 13% to 40% depending on the circumstances of the affair are able to recover. Those are terrible percentages but the crime is so horrific that I understand why they are so low.

July 18, 2015

I'm one of the guys that if you cheat, your gone and I also believe that if I was the one cheating, I would get the same in return.

It's called the bonds of trust being broken. The one person who you thought you could count on puts a knife in your back is a deal breaker.

I wouldn't want to live my life with someone where I always have that nagging feeling is she where she says she's at. Is she with whose she say's she's with, is she doing what she says she's doing.

That isn't any way to live and even if there's a reconcile between them, there's always a few things to remind you of that one horrible day when your spouse betrayed you. Be it a song you here on the radio, or a TV show, either way all it does is bring up some real ugly period in your life that you don't want to re hash so in my case it's a one and done.

Some wont agree wit me and I respect that but I wont take that chance knowing that if it happened once before that it wont happen again.

It does happen again and again more often than not. The offender fakes reconciliation and remorse like a A listed actor and goes back in for a dive and get s smarter and better at lying to their BS and especially to themselves.

July 18, 2015

Consider this at least. Which woman is more likely to remain faithful - a woman who has cheated, learned her lessons, fixed herself, knows her weaknesses and guards against them, OR a woman who has never cheated just just assumes she would "never do that"?

One knows the risks of contact with the opposite sex and guards herself. The other just assumes she won't be tempted and does not guard against it.

I would take the woman who has never cheated. There's nothing to learn from it, she knew that it was wrong and hurtful behaviour before she opened her legs, yet did it anyway. Why wouldn't she do it again? I think it's an inherent flaw in the person. I don't think everyone is capable of cheating, I couldn't do it.

I would imagine nearly all women have been given the possibility of cheating. If guys have ever approached them whilst they were seeing another guy, then they have had the option of cheating. If they haven't cheated yet, then they have a proven track record of faithfulness, as opposed to being a proven cheat....

July 18, 2015

In my experience I told my WW to just GO to OM if he was "all that". I was not about to be a back up plan. You want him? There's the door. We'll divide everything by 2, and you can be on your way. Have a happy life.

After that she clung to me like nobody's business.

Honestly, my best revenge would have been if she had taken me up on that divorce. I doubt they would have lasted a year before killing each other.

She didn't want to give up what nightmare provided.

I’m an old guy so I admit that my world view may be less applicable today. There is an old saying that men give love for sex and woman give sex for love. If you list the top ten benefits of marriage men and women generate the same list but the items tend to be in a different order.

Companionship and security top the woman’s list while sex tops the man’s list. If the BH continues providing the companionship and security and the OM gets the sex (even better sex) then the husband feels like a fool.

If you want to R or D I think the best course of action is to tell your WW she is welcomed to the OM. That puts into focus what she gets from you.

I not recommending the following but it would be fun. Tell the WW that you want to trade places with the OM. He could deal with the day to day things and you could drop by occasionally for a fabulous f@ck.

I’ve been married 35 years. If I found out that my wife had an affair 30 years ago my major motivation to divorce would be that she doesn’t deserve to grow old with me and the companionship I provide.

Edited July 18, 2015 by Buckeye2

July 18, 2015

Coming up to 20 years now since wife's affair and no I'm still not complete over it. It's always there, lurking in the background.

We're still together, and we're OK. But if I had known then what it would be like I wouldn't have stayed with her.

July 18, 2015

"Getting over it" =/= reconciliation. My ex wife had an affair, and I immediately divorced her. I'll never get back together with her. But today we are very polite to each other and co parent very effectively.

I'm over her infidelity. But that doesn't mean I want to be with her.

Men have the freedom to make whatever choices they feel are in their best interest, regardless of what anyone else, including women, feel about it. Marriage is a choice, not compulsory.

July 18, 2015

If I were single I would never commit to a cheater so why would I stay committed to one. Cheating would remove so many aspects of what I love so much about my wife that the only thing left would be the physical and you can't a successful relationship based on that.

This deserves 100 likes.

Dutchman 1

July 18, 2015

6. It takes a strong man with high self esteem and self confidence. It's a huge blow to self esteem and if your not strong it will be easier to run away to fix the problem.

Um, no. You have it exactly backwards. A strong man will leave a cheater (not "run away"), and start his life over again because he knows if he stays he will never be able to trust her again, she has serious character flaws, is selfish, and will be unpredictable. A strong man knows he can do better and he sees no need in torturing himself by staying in a situation that will cause him nothing but grief.

A weak man will stay with a cheater because he's afraid of the unknown, he's afraid he can't meet a woman who he can trust who won't subject him to emotional trauma, risk of STD, and the need to make life changing decisions. He's afraid of being "alone" or being without his "life partner" without whom he thinks he will crumble.

Consider this at least. Which woman is more likely to remain faithful - a woman who has cheated, learned her lessons, fixed herself, knows her weaknesses and guards against them, OR a woman who has never cheated just just assumes she would "never do that"?

That's easy.

The woman who cheated has a proven character flaw. She's cheated once, she's clearly demonstrated her ability to do so, at complete disregard for the physical and emotional well being of her partner. She's therefore much more likely to do it again than a random sampling of women who have never cheated. Women who have never cheated don't necessarily need to "be guarded" because they have strong morality, ethics, self discipline, love for their partner, whatever [add positive character aspects here].. so that it's not an issue. They don't have that "weakness" that proven cheaters do have.

Edited July 18, 2015 by wizer

July 18, 2015

I see BHs here all the time, triggering, annoyed, angry, upset, shouting the odds about whores and sluts and giving WWs and APs a hard time.....

Keep in mind that we see men on LS angry and bitter about "whores" and "sluts" merely because ordinary women have failed to accept their attentions in a dating situation. It's one of the major sources of posts by single males.

Is the perceived or actual emasculation caused by the affair, just too much for men in general to handle or to bear? and thus they find it difficult or perhaps impossible to forgive and forget?

It would seem so. Again, BH don't appear particularly different in this type of behavior, compared to single men who have been or feel they have been hurt or rejected by women in some way.

July 18, 2015

Nope, even if they cheated!

July 18, 2015

No, I do not think men can ever get past their partner's infidelity.

Edited July 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

July 18, 2015

"Can men ever get over their partner's infidelity?"

The phrase "get over" needs to be defined here.

I was cheated on once in my life (that I know about, ha ha). Did I get over my partner cheating? Of course, right after I changed my phone number and dropped off her belongings at her residence. I dropped her faster than a live grenade, and never spoke to or saw her again. I was free to move on to someone with integrity, and that got me over the cheating straight away.

Everybody makes different agreements in relationships, both explicit and implicit. If one of those agreements is to be exclusive, then cheating is not to be tolerated, period, by either sex. People lie about cheating because they don't want to suffer the consequences of having to face up to it, and they are also true believers in having their cake and eating it too, as the expression goes.

I do believe that if more people punished cheating with swift and permanent excommunication, there would be less cheating overall. Cheating happens all the time, because, well... there are just too many people that waffle and tolerate it.

I've never cheated, I never will, and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ever did. If I'm exclusive with someone, I am going to honor that until there is a mutual and considerate parting of the ways. I expect the same from anyone I date, and if a woman violates that, I will expunge her from my life without a moment's hesitation. She can then go cheat on someone else or find a more open relationship arrangement.

July 18, 2015

And just for the record, I am aware that cheating happens for various reasons, and that it is not always black and white (though it most definitely is most of the time). However, the bottom line is that if cheating is happening in a relationship, something is broken beyond repair, and the parties need to move on. Simple as.

I'll be damned if I'm going to waste my time on this planet with that bull****. Too many mountains to climb, too many problems to solve, too many less-fortunate people that need help from those of us who can provide it.

Edited July 18, 2015 by Palmeiras

July 19, 2015

Is it even possible as a man to truly get over the infidelity of their female partner, some here are still metaphorically beating up their cheating women after 5, 10, 20, 30.... years!!!

I would postulate, men especially, do NOT ever get over their woman cheating on them.
"I, as a man, was not enough for her, she had to get it elsewhere..."
It is a huge raw wound that can be made to bleed in an instant.
SO any WW under the illusion that her man is "over it", I guess is fooling herself.
Is this actually true?

Is the perceived or actual emasculation caused by the affair, just too much for men in general to handle or to bear? and thus they find it difficult or perhaps impossible to forgive and forget?

My wife, then G/F cheated over 40 years ago. I can say that we have put it in the past, but looking back we were lucky on how it played out. In my opinion, what allowed me to forgive my wife is the following.

1) She fessed up, called me the day after, asked me to visit her (we were living 2 hours apart) and told me in person. She did not think I would forgive, but toss her to the curb, and move on, but she wanted to give me the chance to tell her off and be mad at her. When we talked, she did not try and make excuses for what she did. Her only point, when we decided to stay together is that she did not want the cheating used against her, when we had other issues or problems.

2) She was, and is, faithful to me from that day on. No contact with the OM. Moved out of her apartment and called me every night. (this was the early 70's) When a letter giving more information on what had really happened that night came out, she was able to point to 30 years of being a faithful wife.

3) We were not married at the time. She was 2 years older, and I was in High School. Thus she was still a prize to me, and of course, as a teenager, I was getting sex each weekend. Also her and my family were trying to break us up, so my ego was against, admitting defeat in that regard. I did not want them proved right.

OK, so this is specific to ours past and relationship. Maybe that is the key here, every couple, every "affair" is different. What came together for us, may not for another, or a something else may allow or not allow a reconciliation. If we had been married and this had happened? Do not know if the same outcome would have happened. If she had not been faithful after her ONS, even years later? Do not know, may have stayed for the children, may have divorced later. May have divorced right then.

We have come close to divorce, and it was over money, her spending our retirement, but that is another story. As for forgetting about what happened, you never do. That is something you have to learn to deal with, if you can not, you will divorce, and can be years later. It can also contribute to your decisions later. When I was really coming close to filing on her, one of my thoughts was that she had cheated on me, and along with all the other things she had done, it made a good case for leaving. In the end I decided to stay and work on the marriage.

I think in the end, if there is to be a reconciliation, it is dependent on the two persons involved. There is no way to predict what the outcome will be. I would say in answer to elaine567, that odds are really against reconciliation, but there are exceptions to the rule. Men in general, "find it difficult or perhaps impossible to forgive" No one ever forgets.

On LS we should work to give advise with our intelligence guided by our experience. Sometimes, all we can say, is "I am sorry you are going trough this, and I wish you luck and the best outcome possible"

July 19, 2015

Consider this at least. Which woman is more likely to remain faithful - a woman who has cheated, learned her lessons, fixed herself, knows her weaknesses and guards against them, OR a woman who has never cheated just just assumes she would "never do that"?

One knows the risks of contact with the opposite sex and guards herself. The other just assumes she won't be tempted and does not guard against it.

Infidelity is a choice and the choice to be unfaithful depends on the individual.

To answer the question [with these two being the only qualities] the woman who hasn't cheated is the one I'd select.

The vast majority (if not all) of men and women in relationships are aware that infidelity is wrong and harmful.

There is only one thing that you need to look at to know that infidelity is wrong, and that is that affairs are conducted in secrecy. An adulterer usually goes to great lengths to keep them hidden and deceive their spouse.

The woman who has cheated is someone who cheated knowing that it is damaging and hurtful. Infidelity is not something that one has to do and learn from in order to have a fixed stance against.

No one's saying that the woman who has cheated is bad, and her having cheated doesn't define her, but it is something to be cautious and wary of.

You can subsitute 'infidelity' with other examples of "morally questionable" behaviour and the answer would be the same.

Which person is likely to not be abusive in a relationship - someone who has been abusive, learned their lesson, fixed themselves, knows their weaknesses and guards against them, OR someone who has never been abusive and just assumes they would "never do that"?

Which person is more likely to not burn down your cabin - a former arsonist who has started a fire and burned down a cabin, learned their lesson, fixed themselves, knows their weaknesses and guards against them, OR someone who has never been burned down a cabin and just assumes they would "never do that"?

Which person would you trust in your home to not steal from you - a former thief who has stolen, learned their lesson, fixed themselves, knows their weaknesses and guards against them, OR someone who has never stolen and just assumes they would "never do that"?

I'm not equating infidelity to the above but they are choices and examples in behaviour and actions that people can either choose to act on or not, like infidelity.

There's a difference between assuming that one would never do that (cheat), and being a person of conviction with good judgement, a healthy set of morals and ethics and strength of character, and knowing that one would never do that.

Also, infidelity takes effort. It doesn't just happen and keep happening with no active participation by those involved.

No one can say with certainty which of the two women in your example will remain faithful. It usually depends on the individual. There's nothing wrong with giving someone the benefit of the doubt/a second chance, but having a history of cheating doesn't usually work in one's favour and it can be a harbinger of future behaviour, more so than the person who doesn't have a history of cheating.

July 19, 2015

Never again will I stay with a cheater and I do agree with some of the things others have said on here. I don't encourage or support other men or women staying with a cheater. Its not worth the pain and headache. I think for those that chose to stay with there cheating spouse good luck.

Great job starting the tread. It has been a really interesting read.

Clay

July 19, 2015

I would postulate, men especially, do NOT ever get over their woman cheating on them.

Why? I see the same thing from BW's.

And for the record, I know BH's in real life who HAVE gotten over their BW's infidelity. They left it in the past. They would not post on a forum like this because it truly does not bother them in the same way.

Sign In

Can men ever get over their partner's infidelity? (Updated)

Recommended Posts

Woggle

nightmare01

amerikajin

amerikajin

nightmare01

amerikajin

Woggle

bubbaganoosh

VeryBrokenMan

AnotherSadSong

mr_dave

Buckeye2

Davey L

toolforgrowth

Dutchman1

wizer

SoleMate

hotpotato

autumnnight

Palmeiras

Palmeiras

understand50

World's.Edge

Clay

Popsicle

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...