Can men ever get over their partner's infidelity? (Updated)

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

I can't speak for all men, but I would never reconcile with a cheating woman. Plenty of faithful women out there, I'd date one of them instead. I have zero respect for cheaters, and even less for the people who stay with them.

 

Yep. I'd *NEVER* EVER stay with a cheater or EVER forgive them. It doesn't matter to me even if they ARE remorseful and promise "never to do it again" and it wouldn't matter to me even if they were truly sincere about never cheating again - I mean, how would I EVER know?! HOW could I ever trust someone who's deceitful and selfish that possesses NO integrity, self-control, morals or respect for the person they're in a MONOGAMOUS relationship with???

 

Good luck to any person who chooses to stay with their wayward SO; but for me personally, I'm intelligent and insightful enough to NEVER trust a cheater or to ever trust ANYTHING that they say or do.

 

 

 

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[road]

When a letter giving more information on what had really happened that night came out, she was able to point to 30 years of being a faithful wife.

 

 

 

How did this letter come about?

[AnotherSadSong]

Infidelity is a choice and the choice to be unfaithful depends on the individual.

 

To answer the question [with these two being the only qualities] the woman who hasn't cheated is the one I'd select.

 

The vast majority (if not all) of men and women in relationships are aware that infidelity is wrong and harmful.

 

There is only one thing that you need to look at to know that infidelity is wrong, and that is that affairs are conducted in secrecy. An adulterer usually goes to great lengths to keep them hidden and deceive their spouse.

 

The woman who has cheated is someone who cheated knowing that it is damaging and hurtful. Infidelity is not something that one has to do and learn from in order to have a fixed stance against.

 

No one's saying that the woman who has cheated is bad, and her having cheated doesn't define her, but it is something to be cautious and wary of.

 

You can subsitute 'infidelity' with other examples of "morally questionable" behaviour and the answer would be the same.

 

Which person is likely to not be abusive in a relationship - someone who has been abusive, learned their lesson, fixed themselves, knows their weaknesses and guards against them, OR someone who has never been abusive and just assumes they would "never do that"?

 

Which person is more likely to not burn down your cabin - a former arsonist who has started a fire and burned down a cabin, learned their lesson, fixed themselves, knows their weaknesses and guards against them, OR someone who has never been burned down a cabin and just assumes they would "never do that"?

 

Which person would you trust in your home to not steal from you - a former thief who has stolen, learned their lesson, fixed themselves, knows their weaknesses and guards against them, OR someone who has never stolen and just assumes they would "never do that"?

 

I'm not equating infidelity to the above but they are choices and examples in behaviour and actions that people can either choose to act on or not, like infidelity.

 

There's a difference between assuming that one would never do that (cheat), and being a person of conviction with good judgement, a healthy set of morals and ethics and strength of character, and knowing that one would never do that.

 

Also, infidelity takes effort. It doesn't just happen and keep happening with no active participation by those involved.

 

No one can say with certainty which of the two women in your example will remain faithful. It usually depends on the individual. There's nothing wrong with giving someone the benefit of the doubt/a second chance, but having a history of cheating doesn't usually work in one's favour and it can be a harbinger of future behaviour, more so than the person who doesn't have a history of cheating.

 

 

There is a huge difference between Arson, Robbery, and Abusive beaters, then people who fall for each other in a different set of circumstances then they wished for...thanks for clarifying that. Geesh.

[World's.Edge]

There is a huge difference between Arson, Robbery, and Abusive beaters, then people who fall for each other in a different set of circumstances then they wished for...thanks for clarifying that. Geesh.

Yeah, that was covered here.

 

I'm not equating infidelity to the above but they are choices and examples in behaviour and actions that people can either choose to act on or not' date=' like infidelity.[/quote']

Thought that was fairly clear and it's also evident that their purpose was to serve as examples.

[World's.Edge]

There is a huge difference between Arson, Robbery, and Abusive beaters, then people who fall for each other in a different set of circumstances then they wished for...thanks for clarifying that. Geesh.

 

Not sure where the above fits in with regard to the question nightmare01 posted, but I'll address it anyways.

 

I assume that by 'people who fall for each other in a different set of circumstances then they wished for' you mean the wayward spouse(s) and/or other man/woman in a typical affair where either one or both of the people who fall for each other is married to someone else. If not then there's no need to read further.

 

So let's say these people meet and realize that there exists this special connection between them unlike anything either had felt before, a deep bond that feels so right and that they're meant to be.

 

Okay fine, so that happens and the two want to be together. Why not then just disclose their feelings to their spouse(s) and end the marriage?

 

Why have and continue to have an affair for months or years? An affair that's maintained by lies and deception, as well as neglectful and detrimental behaviour towards the betrayed spouse?

 

Why not inform the betrayed so that they too can make decisions about their life and move on. In keeping the affair hidden, the adulterers deny the betrayed a choice in their future and are effectively manipulating and controlling them.

 

Why can't the WS (MM/MW) and their OM/OW or their MM/MW be honest and forthcoming if the their love is so true and meant to be:confused:?

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

There is a huge difference between Arson, Robbery, and Abusive beaters, then people who fall for each other in a different set of circumstances then they wished for...thanks for clarifying that. Geesh.

 

If two people fall for each other in a "different set of circumstances than they 'wished for'..." then they should LEAVE/BREAK UP WITH/DIVORCE their SO or spouse that they're apparently 'unhappy' with and then resume the budding romance that they're developing with this other person... See, THAT is where selfishness, immaturity, lack of morals, lack of empathy, lack of faithfulness, lack of self-control and lack of integrity comes into the picture - and YES, it is that 'black and white'.

 

IMO, any person who would forgive a cheater, who 'understands why a cheater is justified in cheating' and who would give a cheater a free pass because 'life isn't that black and white' is a person who has the propensity to be cheaters themselves. Any intelligent, decent, faithful and insightful person who possesses a moral backbone and integrity would absolutely NOT take back a cheater nor would they excuse the cheater's reason(s) for cheating as them being 'human' or them 'having made a mistake' or them having 'justifiable reasons for cheating'.

 

 

 

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[DKT3]

Its hard. But as stated earlier its not always the affair itself that's hard to get over.

[amerikajin]

I saw my mother deal with my father's affair and alcoholism. It was never the same again - that part is almost definitely black and white. I think that even with reconciliation, you could never see your partner in the same light again. The warm fuzzies are replaced by the reality that your partner has flaws.

 

And yet on the day he died, she was deeply sad. In spite of all the crap she had endured, she still loved him. She had no obligation to and would have been within her rights to leave. She chose to try to make things work. She chose to be the better partner. That's one way to look at the aftermath of an affair.

 

On the other hand, we all have limited amounts of time here in this life, on this earth. Another part of me would say, 'I got no malice toward ya, but I'm not gonna waste my time with ya, either.'

 

I'm not sure which side of me would win out. It would depend on a number of factors.

[katielee]

Learning a lot from your posts amerikajin

[jbrent890]

There is a huge difference between Arson, Robbery, and Abusive beaters, then people who fall for each other in a different set of circumstances then they wished for...thanks for clarifying that. Geesh.

 

Your making it sound like cheating is out of a person's control. If thats the case, then I don't agree with that notion. There are so many red flags that are crossed before someone cheats, even if it is a ONS. The cheater has full control of their actions and attraction to someone else. The point that World's Edge was trying to make was who would you willfully trust. And I have to agree, I would trust someone who hasn't yet presented a certain action as opposed to someone who has.

[jbrent890]

The cheating is one thing, but the added lies and manipulations during the affair and after is what I think screws with a lot of betrayed, not just men. From what I have read, a lot of men initially do decide to work things out with the WW. However, the constant fawning over the AP, trickle truths, and having to wait for the WW to fall in love with them again (something that has been stated multiple times on this site) screws with a lot of men. Personally, if someone told me that I would have to go through all of that in order to R with my WW, then I would have left from the start. Getting cheated on is unfair. Having to watch your wife detox (I started a thread about this a while ago) from the affair and fall in love with you again must be torture.

[autumnnight]

I think we all probably have things we just cannot come back from and have a real, loving marriage with a person once they have done/not done that particular thing. For me it was starvation and neglect. After I decided to end the marriage and he knew I really meant it, he started kind of trying, but by then I honestly just didn't want it. In fact, the thought of him touching me intimately made me physically sick.

 

I think for many men an affair is that way. The hurt is so deep, and you can never un-have the affair. EVERYTHING that makes a marriage intimate would be a trigger. I'm not even sure in some cases it is relevant what the WS does. She could do everything perfect and crawl across broken glass, but she can never go back in time and not do it.

 

And that is not a slam against the BH. That is just how it is when it comes to being betrayed for some people. The only way they can ever have a real marriage again is for it to never have happened. And I admire then men who know that and make the choice to divorce rather than stay.

 

To the very very rare man who can stay AND have a real loving marriage with their wives....that is something I have almost never seen. I've seen ots of "staying married," but almost no real recovery, so that is a very precious thing.

[Buckeye2]

Why? I see the same thing from BW's.

 

And for the record, I know BH's in real life who HAVE gotten over their BW's infidelity. They left it in the past. They would not post on a forum like this because it truly does not bother them in the same way.

 

I would bet that many of these BH had affairs themselves. I also think that the more partners you’ve been with and the more casual your view of sex the more likely you are to “get over it.” If you had may partners what’s the big deal about one more?

 

 

The following is from another website:

 

 

“When we were dating and shared our sexual histories with each other I explained to my wife that I had never had sex with a woman that I did not have an emotional connection with and that I had looked at as a prospective wife.

 

 

"My wife admitted that she had, on occasion, simply "hooked up" with a guy and had sex. She had not had many “relationships” and most of her sexual partners were simply casual sex as in hook-ups or friends with benefits.

 

 

Once, in the first couple of years after she became sexually active, she had even had a threesome with two guys she barely knew in a back room at a party. Her basic view on sex was that; sex was fun, it was natural and healthy to explore her sexuality, and she had no reservations about exploring and pushing her sexual boundaries when the opportunity presented itself as long as she felt comfortable with the person."

 

Someone with the husband’s attitude would have a more difficult time “getting over it” than someone with the wife’s attitude.

[Mrin]

I've never been the victim of infidelity in marriage. But I was the victim before marraige as part of a 4 year relation prior to marriage that started in college. I have to say - I never got over it. We carried on for two more years but my opinion of her and how I treated her severely changed. I honestly didn't give a damn anymore. To me she became a toy - a source of amusement. Where before I thought the world of her.

 

Flash forward to today - if I even get a hint of infidelity - I am gone. Life is too short for that.

[understand50]

How did this letter come about?

 

Road,

 

Here is what I posted in a past thread. At the time, after her financial infidelity, we started working on different parts of our marriage, one was communication and honesty.

 

"Four, our communication was bad. We just did not talk about anything that would upset the other. “rug sweeping” We started setting aside a time each week, where we had privacy and talk. I insisted on honesty and no secrets between us. We later went to talking each month. We had long talks on why she spent the money, did she and really want to stay together, and many other questions. She had to be truthful on everything. I as well. On another post, I talked about how and why I asked about her sexual past in HS. We talked about her ONS. I, after 25 years, asked the hard questions. Not so much as to get something on her, but truth was what I and her needed. It took some time, and I investigated a bit. Both her and I wrote to each other during the time we were not together, and I reread our letters. I found 3 letters from a G/F of hers. They were replies back to her letters written at the time, and they covered her “ONS” What had really happened, was she had not gotten drunk and then seduced, but went out of her way to sleep with the guy. She was living with 4 roommates. They all knew each other from HS. They were not impressed with my wife dating some “boy” 2 years younger and still in HS. They teased her, and over a couple of beers, bet her she could not bed a “hot” guy that came around from time to time. She was not sure of us and me as well, and had her doubts, she started flirting, and over the week, went out of her way to get to know him. By that Saturday, after making out in the living room, she literally took him by the hand to her bed room and he spent the night. The next morning, thinking she had lost me for good, and feeling cheap, she called me to come on the following Saturday, as she wanted to confess face to face and let me get back on the buss after I told her off. This she did. From her friends letter, it also seems that she found out that this “hot” guy, also was in on the bet, and she and been set up to some extent by her friends. He later bedded the all the other roommates during the next month. After hearing this, and asking some more questions, I forgave her again, and told her I had no regrets about staying that weekend after she told me. My main reasons was that she had 35 plus years of being faithful to offer in balance. She talked about how ashamed she felt, that she just did not want to tell me, and she was hoping that I would forgive her when she told me. Later, as after we had moved on, she felt that no good would come from bring the matter up. This really was not a large issue, it hurt a bit, but I had processed the “ONS” a long time ago, and I still loved her. It did help that her friends letter backed her up. My main point and goal was truth between us, and also what the truth was, I did not really buy the first story when she told me, but wanted to keep her. I bring this up as if you are going to work on commutation, you need to be prepared for anything to come out, and work trough it. If you ask hard questions you may, and will, get hard answers. "

[wizer]

Any intelligent, decent, faithful and insightful person who possesses a moral backbone and integrity would absolutely NOT take back a cheater nor would they excuse the cheater's reason(s) for cheating as them being 'human' or them 'having made a mistake' or them having 'justifiable reasons for cheating'.

.

 

I'd say this covers it.

 

Any issues with me making it my signature?

 

I wonder if it's too long though

[BetrayedH]

Yes, I see what you are saying and perhaps my mentioning "reconciling" at the start led you down the wrong path as to what I was trying to say here. Sorry!

 

I was speaking about all betrayed men in general, those who reconcile, those who attempt it and those who kick to the kerb.

Is it ever possible to forgive and forget?

 

I attempted. I believe I may have been able to forgive but she wasn't truly remorseful, broke NC, and I caught her in lies about the affair.

 

I still believe I would have been able to forgive it over time, provided that I saw true remorse and all that comes with it. That just didn't happen. Had to call it quits after 8 months. Should have done it sooner, when I caught her breaking NC.

[Hope Shimmers]

I attempted. I believe I may have been able to forgive but she wasn't truly remorseful, broke NC, and I caught her in lies about the affair.

 

I still believe I would have been able to forgive it over time, provided that I saw true remorse and all that comes with it. That just didn't happen. Had to call it quits after 8 months. Should have done it sooner, when I caught her breaking NC.

 

But forgiving is not the same thing as being able to take her back in a relationship (as I'm hearing over and over in my own situation). Right?

 

How could you have ever taken her back? How would you ever trust again? How could it ever have been the same?

 

I'm glad you didn't. You are way better off without her. You are a whole, well person now - that is clear from your posts.

[Woggle]

At this point I forgive my ex. I hope when she gets out of prison later this year that she can turn her life around and make something of herself but if I were single I would never go back to her because I will never trust her again. To me once the trust is gone it doesn't come back. I won't waste energy holding a grudge but I won't give you a chance to betray me again.

[BetrayedH]

But forgiving is not the same thing as being able to take her back in a relationship (as I'm hearing over and over in my own situation). Right?

 

How could you have ever taken her back? How would you ever trust again? How could it ever have been the same?

 

I'm glad you didn't. You are way better off without her. You are a whole, well person now - that is clear from your posts.

 

Everyone has different definitions of forgiveness. I won't bore you with mine.

 

I think I'm one of those that sees infidelity as a symptom of being a broken person. Some people do make human mistakes. I can see being 16 years into a relationship and being very vulnerable. I can see crossing lines you never thought you'd cross. And I can see it getting away from you.

 

We see an awful lot of affairs here that have nothing to do with the spouse or the marriage. It has to do with the individual. Many times they have an excessive need for external validation. Sometimes they're severely conflict-avoidant. A lot of that crap comes from childhood. And not a lot of it has malicious intent.

 

I guess the long and short of it is that I don't think it makes them the antiChrist. For those that broke out of their good character, compartmentalized it away, thought no one would be hurt, truly realized what a tragic mistake they made when their world imploded, and then did everything they could to make it right, I think it can be a forgiveable offense.

 

That just wasn't the situation with my wife. She reveled in the betrayal. She kept in contact with the OM. She kept lying. She was one of the ones that was simply self-entitled. She wasn't a candidate for reconciliation. And it took me a while to determine it for sure, and a little longer to accept it.

 

Like you said, I'm glad I didn't stay with her either. She was a bad person. Worse yet, she still is a bad person.

 

And I think in many, many situations, we hope for our waywards to be the ones that have true remorse but they aren't there yet. They're too caught up in the high of the addiction and have bought into the crazy. As with most addictions, they have to hit rock bottom before they'll truly change. And too many BSs soften the landing, to their detriment. We try to default to forgiveness and that simply enables them.

 

My default position now is that infidelity is a dealbreaker, by the choice of the wayward. Do the 180, file, and let the service of divorce papers act as your confrontation. And then if (and I mean only IF) you see true remorse such that you think you might be able to forgive, then you can always halt the proceedings.

 

I do think forgiveness and a healthy reconciliation is possible. I just think it's crazy rare.

[William]

A moderated member posted this into the queue:

 

I thought the title of the thread was asking whether a man could get past infidelity, not judging and belittling people who have tried to reconcile...

 

While the content isn't topical, it does echo what moderation will now direct members to do, that being address the topic and treat other members with civility and respect. Thanks in advance for your cooperation with this moderation directive.

[BetrayedH]

But forgiving is not the same thing as being able to take her back in a relationship (as I'm hearing over and over in my own situation). Right?

 

How could you have ever taken her back? How would you ever trust again? How could it ever have been the same?

 

I'm glad you didn't. You are way better off without her. You are a whole, well person now - that is clear from your posts.

 

I guess I should address the trust issue.

 

I certainly think an affair does a ridiculous amount of damage to trust. Your spouse is supposed to be the one person you can trust to have your back; they're the last ones we expect to be putting a knife in it. Trust is quickly destroyed and hard to rebuild. I've long believed that what it takes is "consistent actions over time." Some waywards have it in them; most don't. I know it's possible because back in my early days, there were numerous successfully reconciled spouses here. I consider many of them friends and I miss them.

 

But the work of the wayward is only half of the equation. In addition to a truly remorseful wayward spouse, you need a truly forgiving betrayed spouse in order to reconcile. Could I have done it? I don't know for sure. I was definitely mentally tortured. What's interesting is that the betrayed spouse does eventually bear the burden of "getting over it," even if the wayward can never be the one to say it. I don't know if I could have done it over time.

 

And in my case, I couldn't get over the imbalance. I was jealous. She was going to have gotten to have this fantasy affair in the middle of our marriage, replete with dozens of hotel stays, and I was going to have gotten nothing but the joy of sitting there and taking it.

 

It's a tall order. But I do think reconciliation can be the right choice for some truly forgiving betrayed spouses when paired with a truly remorseful wayward.

[beatcuff]

do i look down on the BH for staying? why? its his life his choice.

Edited July 23, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Revolver]

Once a woman cheats on you that means she lost respect for you and the relationship. So it's over

[fellini]

Any intelligent, decent, faithful and insightful person who possesses a moral backbone and integrity would absolutely NOT care what other people thought about their personal decision to do what they wish to do with the ONE single short life that they have on this planet.

 

 

Any intelligent, decent, faithful and insightful person who possesses a moral backbone and integrity would absolutely NOT take back a cheater nor would they excuse the cheater's reason(s) for cheating as them being 'human' or them 'having made a mistake' or them having 'justifiable reasons for cheating'.