Can men ever get over their partner's infidelity? (Updated)

[Sastrugi]

As men we are reluctant to open ourselves up and be vulnerable to anyone. It takes a tremendous amount of trust in our wives before we can do it. However when our WW has an affair we assume we were made a laughing stock with her and her OM. All our insecurities are laughed at. All our secrets are shared with this other man.. this stranger.. who will in turn tell all his buddies.

 

I believe that OM get off on emasculating BH's. They enjoy risky behavior with our WW, going places in public with them, having sex in our marital bed, meeting our children, almost getting caught by the BH. What this amounts to is emotional rape of the BH.

 

I have felt all of these emotions and more. I also believe many men, myself included, feel these intensely hurtful emotions because we are genetically driven to protect our paternity rights. This pain we feel develops into a rage against the OM. A few hundred years ago i could have killed the OM or died trying. Either way may pain would be reduced. How do i know this, because i felt a hell of a lot better when I beat the **** out of an OM. My rage was never directed at my WSO ( counter productive to procreating). Even though logically I knew it was her fault and the OM was just taking advantage of an opportunity given by my WSO.

 

Anyway, there is no doubt in my mind that our genetic evolution has not caught up with our western cultural evolution. There are parts of the world it is still acceptable culturally for the BS to kill or attack the OM to this day.

 

My two cents

[toolforgrowth]

The bottom line is some men can, and some men can't. It's not a contest or competition to see which ones do. As the BS, the choice is his to do what he feels is in his best interest. The same is true for BWs.

 

If most men choose to walk away, that's their prerogative. My response to the WW would be, "if you want to keep your H, then don't cheat on him." A BH is not obligated to stay any more than a BW would be.

 

We all have the right to self determination. That includes men.

[fellini]

But paternity rights are not genetic. Following with your argument that genetics is the guiding issue we could only surmise that woman would cheat more. Since procreation favors the female of the species natural selection would favor women seeking out the firmest provider of sperm, moving freely through male options, almost always looking for younger providers and avoiding at all costs men who were driven by paternity rights.

 

Any arguments by a male about ownership of women would have to be seen to be misogynist and patriarchal attempt to upset the genetic reality of who is the best suited to guarantee the survival of the species.

 

I have felt all of these emotions and more. I also believe many men, myself included, feel these intensely hurtful emotions because we are genetically driven to protect our paternity rights. This pain we feel develops into a rage against the OM. A few hundred years ago i could have killed the OM or died trying. Either way may pain would be reduced. How do i know this, because i felt a hell of a lot better when I beat the **** out of an OM. My rage was never directed at my WSO ( counter productive to procreating). Even though logically I knew it was her fault and the OM was just taking advantage of an opportunity given by my WSO.

 

Anyway, there is no doubt in my mind that our genetic evolution has not caught up with our western cultural evolution. There are parts of the world it is still acceptable culturally for the BS to kill or attack the OM to this day.

 

My two cents

Edited July 20, 2015 by fellini

[Robert Z]

It would depend on the circumstances, but there are things much worse than cheating.

 

 

When you love someone with all your heart it isn't conditional. If you think you married a saint or will, enjoy your illusion while it lasts.

[joseb]

Um, no. You have it exactly backwards. A strong man will leave a cheater (not "run away"), and start his life over again because he knows if he stays he will never be able to trust her again, she has serious character flaws, is selfish, and will be unpredictable. A strong man knows he can do better and he sees no need in torturing himself by staying in a situation that will cause him nothing but grief.

 

A weak man will stay with a cheater because he's afraid of the unknown, he's afraid he can't meet a woman who he can trust who won't subject him to emotional trauma, risk of STD, and the need to make life changing decisions. He's afraid of being "alone" or being without his "life partner" without whom he thinks he will crumble.

 

 

I agree with this.

 

I was that weak man. I was so blindsided when I found out, so afraid of the unknown, I was willing to do anything to get her back. I agree, it was really a form of self torture.

 

Then I found out she was still in communication with the guy. And something just clicked. I could see I could never trust her. I could see my self esteem crumbling by accepting her behaviour as a doormat. Ending it then was the only sane thing for me to do.

[jbrent890]

I agree with this.

 

I was that weak man. I was so blindsided when I found out, so afraid of the unknown, I was willing to do anything to get her back. I agree, it was really a form of self torture.

 

Then I found out she was still in communication with the guy. And something just clicked. I could see I could never trust her. I could see my self esteem crumbling by accepting her behaviour as a doormat. Ending it then was the only sane thing for me to do.

 

And this is why I always suggest that if you had to catch your spouse in an affair, it is best to just divorce. Unless confessed, most affairs almost never end on d-day, which is another thing I have learned on this site. I have seen affairs continue for weeks, even months after d day. Which brings me to my next point, from what I have seen, it is very hard for women to get over their AP and/or affair. I have read stories of women saying that after the affair ended, they were just numb. Numb to their husbands, children, and life in general. Usually whenever I bring this point up, I will get responses like "you can't expect to just turn those feelings off." I get that, but at the same time, those feelings never should have been there in the first place. I think its a lot to ask to forgive the behaviors WWs present during and after the affair. So in essence, I can understand why a lot of men are resentful and find it hard to forgive and let go.

[empresario]

As someone that's been betrayed this really hits home.

 

A trend I'm seeing, is most people that haven't gone through it can easily decide to move on. Ignorance is really confident, isn't it?

 

I've found no cheating story is the same from the inside. But from the outside it always looks the same. A woman allowed another man to enter her. But it's not always the same.

 

I have considered and even tried reconciling. I think it's very possible. But there are a few caveats. Some were mentioned already and some weren't.

 

1) I am extremely confident.

 

I realize that there aren't a lot of men with my stature, charisma, and success. While it hurt my feelings when a girl chose another guy...I can objectively look at the man and know I am better than him. I was able to rationalize there is more in the picture than me. There's her. And in both of my situations there was a fundamental problem with the girl. It was a purely selfish act that took me and what I have to offer out of the equation.

 

2) Details DO matter

 

There's a reason there are different degrees of murder. In my situations, one woman planned and made a conscious decision to have sex with another man. Call it first degree cheating.

 

Woman 2 made stupid decisions and put herself in a position where she didn't feel like she could say no. Kind of like a 'targeting' call in football where video evidence proves they didn't necessarily intend to do it. But it did happen and they get penalized.

 

I tried with woman 2. I didn't find out until 6 months after it happened and the actual event was 3 months into our relationship with a manipulative, sociopathic ex-boyfriend (who was married, by the way). The details were so murky you couldn't see an inch deep. It's like a person that looks down to check their cell phone and hits a kid chasing after a ball. She made a decision (in this case to meet the guy at her place for closure) that ended up turning into a nightmare. One she never repeated even though she initially got away with it (and trust me I checked all of her records).

 

People that think it's always so crystal clear sound ridiculous when you've been there.

 

3) No person is perfect.

 

The only thing that separates one person from another is a bad choice. How many people lust after people other than their significant others? How many times have you cheated in your mind? That doesn't excuse the act, but I know the world is a different place for men and women.

 

Women get solicited for sex every single day. Another guy doesn't care if a woman is in a relationship. It's almost torture. I would implore all men to think about this from their perspective. What if attractive women offered to sleep with you every day regardless of your relationship status. What if it was that easy. Take it to that next level...what if these women offering you sex were bigger, stronger, and sometimes aggressive towards you?

 

There is so much to think about. The key is if you can believe someone has learned from that mistake. But that should be evident. Someone that has learned from their mistakes works with you to develop accountability. The person that hasn't learned demands that you continue to respect their privacy and to get over their mistakes.

 

---

 

I could go on with more and more. The TL;DR version is: Reconciliation is possible sometimes. Affairs are as different from each other as people are. Each one has a unique set of features/motives/details and the people involved have varying levels of emotional stability, empathy, intellect, etc.

[MrNate 2.0]

I would never forgive it and I would dump her on the spot. It's called self respect.

 

/thread.

 

 

___

[Woggle]

At the end of the day the most important thing in life is being able to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of what I say and I just can't be proud of myself if I let myself be betrayed and disrespected like that. Also women don't respect a man who would let himself be treated like that and respect is a huge factor in a woman's attraction to a man. My wife knows I mean it when I saw cheating is a dealbreaker and she has said that it makes me more attractive. If you have nothing else in the world you should at least have your self respect and dignity.

[Sastrugi]

But paternity rights are not genetic. Following with your argument that genetics is the guiding issue we could only surmise that woman would cheat more. Since procreation favors the female of the species natural selection would favor women seeking out the firmest provider of sperm, moving freely through male options, almost always looking for younger providers and avoiding at all costs men who were driven by paternity rights.

 

Any arguments by a male about ownership of women would have to be seen to be misogynist and patriarchal attempt to upset the genetic reality of who is the best suited to guarantee the survival of the species.

 

 

Yet we see it in the real world, I am not condoning this behavior, I am just saying i think there is a real possibility it exist. In many ways I believe you are correct. But that does not mean a man is not "programmed" to protect his paternity rights the best he can.

 

Oh, take for example most of the cultures from the Middle East. Very patriarchal society. The man can have up to 4 wives ( in the Muslim world). the women is stoned to death if caught cheating.

 

Right after 911 I happened to see a 60 minutes show, where the an imam was interviewed about islam and how women were viewed. ( paraphrasing here) the iman noted that women were not able to control their base instincts thus a man had to step in and take responsibility for her. When it was pointed out that this was counter to western culture, the Iman responded that Islam was closer to god and Nature than western culture.

 

That was such a foreign concept for me to wrap my head around.

 

,

Look at the animal world, many many species have the male trying to dominate and control a herd, pride, etc of females. Were the strongest male does win the right to breed. How many discovery channel shows have i watched with my kids where a interloping male tries to sneak in for a score and gets whooped or once in a while take the females, either way a battle ensues.

 

 

I am just saying maybe we have a little of that genetic trait in us too that evolved over 10's of thousands of years. And that is why the pain we feel when betrayed can feel so over the top.

 

S.

[Robert Z]

At the end of the day the most important thing in life is being able to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of what I say and I just can't be proud of myself if I let myself be betrayed and disrespected like that. Also women don't respect a man who would let himself be treated like that and respect is a huge factor in a woman's attraction to a man. My wife knows I mean it when I saw cheating is a dealbreaker and she has said that it makes me more attractive. If you have nothing else in the world you should at least have your self respect and dignity.

 

 

My dignity and self respect don't depend on others being perfect. Even after what I went through, I never had issues with self respect or confidence. And infidelity would have been easy to deal with by comparison. In fact I think she did cheat and that is the thing I care about least of all.

 

A reckless disregard for a person's well being is a far greater crime than infidelity. Nothing is more hurtful than a cold and uncaring heart... except being deceived for 25 years.

Edited July 23, 2015 by Robert Z

[guild11]

If my partner ever cheats on me it will be a hard blow.

Probably will lower self esteem, make you feel less manly cuz you havent satisfied your woman and it will be really hard to have a trust in next relationship.

[truncated]

It would depend on the circumstances, but there are things much worse than cheating.

 

 

When you love someone with all your heart it isn't conditional. If you think you married a saint or will, enjoy your illusion while it lasts.

 

You can still love someone with all your heart but realize that staying with them or "getting over" something they did that hurt you and made your relationship toxic is not in your best interests.

 

For example, let's say a man or woman abuses their spouse. Their abused spouse may love them dearly, but can;t stay with them because doing so hurts them too much.

 

Love doesn't always have to mean blind acceptance of crappy treatment.

[truncated]

I'm not a man, but the men I have known who have been cheated on were devastated. It always seemed like they found it hard to "let someone in" in a romantic sense, and to wholly trust someone. When they did, it was a huge blow to their emotional well being when their partner cheated on them.

 

This had nothing to do with their ego, but rather, their heart. The more you love someone and the more you trust them, the more it hurts when that trust is broken, and that goes for both men and women too.

[Ruby Slippers]

I would never forgive it and I would dump her on the spot. It's called self respect.

I'm female and feel exactly the same way. If any man cheated on me, I'd leave him immediately and never return. If I found myself in unusual circumstances where I had to stay (married with a young, sick child dependent on his income, for example), I'd never have sex with him again, take a separate bedroom, live with him in a business arrangement until I could find a better situation for the child, and find myself a new lover. I'm sure I would instantly lose all respect and sexual interest in a man who cheated on me.

[Woggle]

I'm female and feel exactly the same way. If any man cheated on me, I'd leave him immediately and never return. If I found myself in unusual circumstances where I had to stay (married with a young, sick child dependent on his income, for example), I'd never have sex with him again, take a separate bedroom, live with him in a business arrangement until I could find a better situation for the child, and find myself a new lover. I'm sure I would instantly lose all respect and sexual interest in a man who cheated on me.

 

Yup. When a partner cheats on somebody it obliterates the trust and I will not be with a woman I can't trust. My wife feels the same way. If I ever cheated on her I would be served with divorce papers as fast as humanely possible.

[Got it]

I think it is hard to speculate on what one will do in a situation they have never been, especially something as emotional charged as infidelity.

 

I know for my husband, he was floored when he found out about his ex wife's affair. Just by sheer chance he found the evidence for an affair a few years prior. It also alluded to potentially other affairs/inappropriate behavior.

 

Based on what he has said, it wasn't the affair that killed things for him, but the sheer lack of remorse of it. Basically it was an "its over, get over it" response. So he just pushed through. He didn't sleep for months, buried himself into work and just focused on the kids. He didn't see that they reconciled as no real work was put into it but life just kept moving forward.

 

For my father's story, he found out about my mom's affair when we were very young with a past lover. He too seemed to bury it and just move forward with life.

 

I do think, at times, men are more likely to be "blamed" for their wive's affair and will use a lack of whatever as the reasoning for it. For my husband, his MIL blamed his working all the time, for my dad, my mom blamed him for it.

 

I think men and women struggle similarly but it is really how remorseful the spouse is and the active energy they put back into the marriage that will make a big difference. But trickle truth, blame shifting, and lack of transparency really adds salt to the wound.

[hudson701]

Lots and lots of projection going on here with 'black and white' statements being made. Anybody ever read the 'dead bedroom' threads on reddit? Seriously depressing stuff and a real eye opener giving insight into why people cheat. Say for example, a husband has been rejected by his wife for a decade with no sexual intimacy whatsoever... His needs are not being met. His wife not willing to try. Her needs are met however- financial security, home, food etc. the man feels rejected, humiliated, unloved or wanted. Is it so bad then that he may turn to another woman for that intimacy? Every man (and woman) has their breaking point...

[purplesorrow]

Why is he staying with such a woman?