Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 If there's no abuse & both parents can sincerely put their kids needs above their own, then when the youngest is 18. That's not to say the parents can't have some time off & their own social lives. Depending on the situation, 1-2 days/nights a week would be ok for each. The big challenge is to keep that crap out of the home. The house should be a safe place for the kids. A couple that loves each other, but can't stay together should have no trouble doing that. They don't have to be all lovely dovey around each other, but there shouldn't be outbursts, innuendo, tension, etc. when the kids are around. Healthy arguments are fine, as long as they are not about the failed relationship or who the other person might be seeing. It might be helpful to have a "date" night once a week that are used to work out logistical issues of maintaining a "fake" marriage or partnership for the kids. As the kids get older, they will probably figure out that the parents are not in love with each other. If the kids ask all that has to be said is that we love each other & our kids and our personal lives are not open to discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I was thinking about this in general and I totally get how and why this is important but I do wonder if there is ever a point (meaning: when) that you reach where it becomes okay to live for YOU, not your kids? Is it when they grow up and go off and get married themselves? Is it when they simply move out of the house? Is it when they are of legal age? Or, is it never? One of my friends tried to stay in an abusive marriage because of the kids. However, she realized the folly of that when she saw her son hitting her daughter, his sister. She realized that her son was learning the wrong way to treat females from his father. That's when she divorced, when she saw that sadly, her husband was not being a good role model/teacher to their son. She also gained full custody of her children and she has just celebrated her 4th year anniversary with her new husband who loves her. Her kids are now in high school and are doing well, and her son learned that hitting females is not good. He has changed when he saw a better way to live: the way of kindness. So, I think it's important in each case for people to look at if the parent (whether mother or father) is a good role model and is teaching the child(ren) kindness or not. If the answer is that no, the parent is not teaching the child how to be kind, then it is best to separate and even if possible get full custody. Thankfully, many parents can change, if they have the desire to do so. I know some people who have undergone miraculous changes due to love. However, they have to truly want to change. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I was thinking about this in general and I totally get how and why this is important but I do wonder if there is ever a point (meaning: when) that you reach where it becomes okay to live for YOU, not your kids? Is it when they grow up and go off and get married themselves? Is it when they simply move out of the house? Is it when they are of legal age? Or, is it never? Are people in unsatisfying marriages not living their lives for themselves? Sometimes I think there is too much responsibility put on marriage and relationships to make people miserable or happy. Absent abuse or domestic drama, some people do manage to simply focus on other parts of their lives (kids, work, passions and hobbies) and not on the romance portion if that's not currently satisfying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamworld Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I was thinking about this in general and I totally get how and why this is important but I do wonder if there is ever a point (meaning: when) that you reach where it becomes okay to live for YOU, not your kids? Is it when they grow up and go off and get married themselves? Is it when they simply move out of the house? Is it when they are of legal age? Or, is it never? my divorce was finalized when my daughter was not quite 6 years old. We were separated a couple years prior to that so she was young when it happened. In my case looking back in hindset I think it was easier because she was younger, and her father was never part of her life even when we were living under the same roof so she never really developed an attachment to him. I was so miserable and it showed and my daughter always having been a sensitive feeling type felt those vibes ( kids see and feel a lot more than we think I believe). When I got divorced and became a happier person, she became a happier kid. So in my case I am glad things happened the way the way they did. Sometimes, living for you could also mean living for your kids. If you are happy, you show it to your child/children and they pick up on it. That is my opinion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I think most people who judgmentally advocate staying for the kids: Probably have okay marriages themselves Probably do not have a need or high need for intimacy Probably are not the type of person who needs to be authentically close to someone Probably believes children should always be placed before the marriage May be having all their needs met in the marriage while knowing their spouse's needs are not being met My ex would have been fine staying for the kids and beyond because he had the marriage he wanted: two people sharing bills, hanging out in front of the TV, someone to cook, a co-parent, and two incomes. As long as there was no real conflict of any kind and I didn't ask for anything, he was perfectly happy. Which is why my kids think marriage is pointless. Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 my divorce was finalized when my daughter was not quite 6 years old. We were separated a couple years prior to that so she was young when it happened. In my case looking back in hindset I think it was easier because she was younger, and her father was never part of her life even when we were living under the same roof so she never really developed an attachment to him. I was so miserable and it showed and my daughter always having been a sensitive feeling type felt those vibes ( kids see and feel a lot more than we think I believe). When I got divorced and became a happier person, she became a happier kid. So in my case I am glad things happened the way the way they did. Sometimes, living for you could also mean living for your kids. If you are happy, you show it to your child/children and they pick up on it. That is my opinion. That's a good point. However, looking back on my parents' marriage, they went through an unhappy time in their marriage. My Dad had just recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and refused to take medication. His chemical imbalance caused him to be not a fun person for a time. My Mom decided to separate and out of love for her, he decided to take meds for bipolar. He didn't want to lose her. Now, my sisters and I were not incredibly happy during this difficult time in our parents' marriage. However, we are tremendously thankful that our Dad decided to get much needed medical help and that my Mom decided not to divorce Dad when she saw that because he loved her, he would take the previously despised medicine. As they celebrated their 41st marriage, my sisters and I reflected in how Mom and Dad taught both each other and us their offspring a lot about love. Love goes through unhappy times and sacrifices one's own desire for the beloved. My Dad out of love sacrificed his desire to not take meds out of love for Mom. Mom out of love for Dad trusted that their happy times would return when Dad's brain was chemically balanced. Because of their love for each other and faith that their marriage would become happy again, it did! This is a very important lesson, in my opinion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tiger Lily Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I agree with others in that abusive situations warrant separation. I hold anyone who is sticking to their vows of marriage in very high regard. If they are truly determined to dissolve the marriage, I do find it honorable to wait until the children are grown adults. However, had my parents divorced after I was grown, it would have still been very painful, I imagine. It's never easy. And I think, as a child of two parents, you would always wonder what role you had in the divorce. A young child might think "it's my fault they got divorced", and an older child might think "it's my fault they had to stay together, in misery". Not everyone might think that way, but it just goes to show that I don't think there's ever a perfect time for divorce; it's always very disruptive. Ultimately, though, I do think minor children will have more permanent emotional side-effects. Of course, ideally, people would stick together through a rough patch (for the kids, or for whatever other reason), and hopefully learn to work out their differences. I think that is truly what children want to see in their parents. Not just a partnership based on duty, but a union based on true sacrifice, love and commitment. (EDIT: I agree with Bethe above! ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 Of course, ideally, people would stick together through a rough patch (for the kids, or for whatever other reason), and hopefully learn to work out their differences. I think that is truly what children want to see in their parents. Not just a partnership based on duty, but a union based on true sacrifice, love and commitment. (EDIT: I agree with Bethe above! ) Agreed. Unless there's abuse, working problems out in marriage is a great way for children to learn what love and commitment truly are. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 THIS^^! I believe something doesn't have to last FOREVER to be considered a success! My longterm M produced incrediable now adult children. X and I see one another regulary and are friends. Even though divorced, I was in his Mother's obit as one of her survivors. Just because you don't divorce doesnt mean your Marriage is a success. ^^^ all of this!!! same with me & my xH -- we are friends and see each other on regular basis & excellent co-parents. i can't say our marriage was a failure & i don't regret it. just like i can't say that my parents marriage wasn't successful because they divorced. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 The kids were a major motivator for us to get our sh*t together. Together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 The kids were a major motivator for us to get our sh*t together. Together. That's awesome MuddyFootprints!!! I think if it can be done, that is the best thing to do! It takes 2 to make a successful, happy marriage happen and endure. A marriage is like a plant. It takes cultivation and the ability to pull out the weeds that try to strangle the plant in order for marriage to grow and be beautiful and healthy. That's easier said than done, but when 2 people love each other and be a team together to make the covenant work, that's the ideal! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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