My story - input needed!

[E-Heart]

Long story short :

2.5 years ago, I fell in love with a coworker, and he fell in love with me (Crazy love) Started out as an emotional affair for a few months, and then into intimate/physical affair after about 6 months. We were both married at the time. I left my husband about 1.5 years into the affair. Made the decision of leaving him regardless of what happens with coworker. It was the right decision and I have no regrets

 

This affair has been going on for 2.5 years now and it has torn me apart. Especially this last year. I've given him an ultimatum (which is 1.5 months), but he doesn't seem to be doing anything. He's been to counseling and says the counselor hasn't helped but will make an appointment with someone else. Every day he says he's going to call to make an appointment but doesn't - he says he's nervous. He says he loves and wants to be with, and I believe that he truly does....but he's taking his sweet time knowing that I'm "gone" in 1.5 months.

 

I'm feeling extremely depressed and anxious - crying all the time and anxiety attacks to point of puking! I told him a couple of days that we shouldn't hang out much anymore because I need to "work on myself" and he understands that.

 

I just can't do this anymore and even though I know what to do, I just can't get myself to say goodbye. If he leaves his wife, it's going to be in the next 1.5 months and I'm screwing it up.

 

Please help me get through this!

[Susmay]

Long story short :

2.5 years ago, I fell in love with a coworker, and he fell in love with me (Crazy love) Started out as an emotional affair for a few months, and then into intimate/physical affair after about 6 months. We were both married at the time. I left my husband about 1.5 years into the affair. Made the decision of leaving him regardless of what happens with coworker. It was the right decision and I have no regrets

 

This affair has been going on for 2.5 years now and it has torn me apart. Especially this last year. I've given him an ultimatum (which is 1.5 months), but he doesn't seem to be doing anything. He's been to counseling and says the counselor hasn't helped but will make an appointment with someone else. Every day he says he's going to call to make an appointment but doesn't - he says he's nervous. He says he loves and wants to be with, and I believe that he truly does....but he's taking his sweet time knowing that I'm "gone" in 1.5 months.

 

I'm feeling extremely depressed and anxious - crying all the time and anxiety attacks to point of puking! I told him a couple of days that we shouldn't hang out much anymore because I need to "work on myself" and he understands that.

 

I just can't do this anymore and even though I know what to do, I just can't get myself to say goodbye. If he leaves his wife, it's going to be in the next 1.5 months and I'm screwing it up.

 

Please help me get through this!

 

 

What's the idea? Is it that he tells his wife (and any kids?) that he's leaving and then he's out the door 5 minutes later? If so you must realise how unrealistic this is.

 

 

Having read on these boards many years, the MM who leaves has at least had a "conversation" with his wife. Has this guy given her any inkling that he's leaving within the next 6 weeks? If not, my guess is he's not leaving and is stringing you both along.

 

 

It isn't you screwing it up, the whole situation is messed up. I bet if/when he doesn't leave he blames you though, because this is how MM in affairs operate. Sorry to be so blunt. My suggestion is that if your relationship is to have any chance you need to stand up for yourself and tell him to sort out his marriage, without you pushing him, and show/tell you every day of the progress he's made and you'll support him as best you can but you can't be driving his marriage break up, that's up to him. If he does nothing then he's not going to is he?

[Sassy Girl]

I would stop with the meetings. Go Nc for 1.5 months.

 

Give him 1.5 months like you promised to get himself in order. 1.5 months to come to you with signed divorced papers or walk away. But give him the space to do it, because right now as it stands you aren't giving him any incentive to change things. And he will either do it or e won't. Besides, the Time he spends messing with you is time he could use to get things in order.

 

Give him the space to do it. By the end of the 1.5 months you'll know if he was serous or not. Bit you have to be prepared to see it for what it is and walk away.

 

But continuing he affair as per normal not only gives him excuses ("i Dont have time - I've been spending my spare time with You") but doesnt guve him any incentives to change things

[CarrieT]

You have given him an ultimatum.

 

I'm willing to bet he throws you under a bus and decides to "work on his marriage."

 

Prepare for that possibility because you have both been in Affair Fog which makes the other more desirable at the time, but in the big picture - i.e., the reality of a long-term scenario - often is never what one really wants.

[E-Heart]

He doesn't have any kids, and money is not an issue (both docs).

 

From what he's been telling me, he's been making progress at home...to the point where she's telling him that they need to work on their relationship. They usually plan a trip every year at this time, but he doesn't want to go and has been avoiding it so far.

 

His mom's bday is coming up and just wants to get through that before doing anything. I am ready for him leaving me though...I think that's what's going to happen considering what has happened in the past.

 

I just really want to know which way I'm going. After reading so many stories on here, I feel like "they" (MM) are all the same and wondering why mine would be any different.

 

*Major sigh*

[jwi71]

From what he's been telling me, he's been making progress at home...to the point where she's telling him that they need to work on their relationship.

 

What does this mean?

"making progress"?

How hard is it to say "I want a D"?

 

So...something ain't quite right.

 

From what I see, those leaving exit quickly and decisively. The A, called an exit A, is the final push to a journey 99% done. For him to be making progress implies he has not yet decided his course. Which further implies he would be leaving FOR you. And that's not a good thing. HE needs to leave on his own...not because his OW laid down an ultimatum - her or me.

 

And...do you REALLY want a partner who chooses you because you "forced" his hand? Or one that comes w/o the pressure? Just something to think about.

 

They usually plan a trip every year at this time, but he doesn't want to go and has been avoiding it so far.

 

Do you see how he appears to be avoiding the "situation" at home...always dodging and avoiding and hemming and hawing....he's showing you how he will treat you IF he does leave. Pay attention to it. His BW's now is your future (in terms of how he handles things)/

 

His mom's bday is coming up and just wants to get through that before doing anything. I am ready for him leaving me though...I think that's what's going to happen considering what has happened in the past.

 

So there is precedence of him leaving and you taking him back. Why would he think this time will NOT be like the other(s)?

 

I just really want to know which way I'm going. After reading so many stories on here, I feel like "they" (MM) are all the same and wondering why mine would be any different.

 

If you see a great many similar traits with MM and the ones described here...

[Hope Shimmers]

What exactly was the deadline that you gave him for 1.5 months from now? To have left her?

 

It won't happen. First of all, you don't want a guy that you have to threaten in order to get. Not that this would work anyway.

 

He very likely won't leave his marriage, but if he does, it has to be on his own terms and timeline and it has to be because he wants out of his marriage and NOTHING to do with you. Do you really envision him leaving his marriage in 45 days and you two living happily ever after? Ain't gonna happen.

[Popsicle]

You gave him the 1.5 month deadline, so you should honor your word and stay with him until then. You should also leave him at that mark if he does not leave his wife, and never look back again (which means don't be "friends" with him and continue to talk to him either). It would be a mistake, imo, to not keep your word either way and you will end up hating yourself.

[Popsicle]

I bet if/when he doesn't leave he blames you though, because this is how MM in affairs operate.

 

They don't all do this, but yeah, the ones who do are the worst.

[anika99]

He doesn't have any kids, and money is not an issue (both docs).

 

From what he's been telling me, he's been making progress at home...to the point where she's telling him that they need to work on their relationship. They usually plan a trip every year at this time, but he doesn't want to go and has been avoiding it so far.

 

His mom's bday is coming up and just wants to get through that before doing anything. I am ready for him leaving me though...I think that's what's going to happen considering what has happened in the past.

 

I just really want to know which way I'm going. After reading so many stories on here, I feel like "they" (MM) are all the same and wondering why mine would be any different.

 

*Major sigh*

 

 

Just what the heck does the bolded mean? He's making progress how? The way it reads to me is that he's being a cowardly passive aggressive little prick at home in order to make his wife be the first one to suggest they separate. If that's his plan then trust me you do not want that kind of man. If he can't man up and come right and talk straight with his wife then he is not a good candidate for a partner.

 

 

I think deep down you know he isn't going to suddenly up and leave his wife in 1.5 months. Especially when he hasn't done one single thing towards making that happen, other than be a douche to his wife.

[Poppy47]

He doesn't have any kids, and money is not an issue (both docs).

 

From what he's been telling me, he's been making progress at home...to the point where she's telling him that they need to work on their relationship. They usually plan a trip every year at this time, but he doesn't want to go and has been avoiding it so far.

 

His mom's bday is coming up and just wants to get through that before doing anything. I am ready for him leaving me though...I think that's what's going to happen considering what has happened in the past.

 

I just really want to know which way I'm going. After reading so many stories on here, I feel like "they" (MM) are all the same and wondering why mine would be any different.

 

 

*Major sigh*

What??? waiting for him mother's birthday??? She has one every year. This sounds like a delaying tactic. If he had kids he would be waiting for one of their birthdays. He isn't leaving now or ever.

Poppy.

[Susmay]

What??? waiting for him mother's birthday??? She has one every year. This sounds like a delaying tactic. If he had kids he would be waiting for one of their birthdays. He isn't leaving now or ever.

Poppy.

 

 

Exactly. Every month an average of 1/12th of the population has a birthday. I've even heard of the excuse of the family dog's birthday being used to delay a MM leaving!

[RainDown]

Long story short :

2.5 years ago, I fell in love with a coworker, and he fell in love with me (Crazy love) Started out as an emotional affair for a few months, and then into intimate/physical affair after about 6 months. We were both married at the time. I left my husband about 1.5 years into the affair. Made the decision of leaving him regardless of what happens with coworker. It was the right decision and I have no regrets

 

This affair has been going on for 2.5 years now and it has torn me apart. Especially this last year. I've given him an ultimatum (which is 1.5 months), but he doesn't seem to be doing anything. He's been to counseling and says the counselor hasn't helped but will make an appointment with someone else. Every day he says he's going to call to make an appointment but doesn't - he says he's nervous. He says he loves and wants to be with, and I believe that he truly does....but he's taking his sweet time knowing that I'm "gone" in 1.5 months.

 

I'm feeling extremely depressed and anxious - crying all the time and anxiety attacks to point of puking! I told him a couple of days that we shouldn't hang out much anymore because I need to "work on myself" and he understands that.

 

I just can't do this anymore and even though I know what to do, I just can't get myself to say goodbye. If he leaves his wife, it's going to be in the next 1.5 months and I'm screwing it up.

 

Please help me get through this!

 

You don't have to say goodbye if you really don't feel up to it. What you can say is, "Goodbye, for now." Let him know he still has his 1.5 months to get his affairs in order and if, IF, you are still interested 1.5 months from now you are willing to have a discussion about your relationship at that time. Stepping out of this situation for the next six weeks gives you time and space to get your health in order (physical and mental) without the torture of dealing with this on a daily basis.

 

I am not suggesting you "wait" for him. I'm suggesting you remove yourself from this toxic situation for your own good and go do some healthy things for a while. IF he shows up free and clear in 1.5 months you can take it from there. If not, you will be 1.5 months healthier than you are now.

[E-Heart]

You don't have to say goodbye if you really don't feel up to it. What you can say is, "Goodbye, for now." Let him know he still has his 1.5 months to get his affairs in order and if, IF, you are still interested 1.5 months from now you are willing to have a discussion about your relationship at that time. Stepping out of this situation for the next six weeks gives you time and space to get your health in order (physical and mental) without the torture of dealing with this on a daily basis.

 

I am not suggesting you "wait" for him. I'm suggesting you remove yourself from this toxic situation for your own good and go do some healthy things for a while. IF he shows up free and clear in 1.5 months you can take it from there. If not, you will be 1.5 months healthier than you are now.

 

This is exactly what I've decided to do...I told him I need some space because this is just causing me too much pain. I said that I'm not looking back (not going to have that love triangle relationship anymore), and I will keep moving forward and that maybe one day he will join me. I also said that at one point, if he hasn't joined, that I will just assume that he's staying with his wife.

 

Very little contact now!

 

Thank you everyone! I'm probably going to need your help getting through this!

[E-Heart]

I went NC a while ago, and only for three days until MM couldn't take it anymore. It pushed him to make an appointment to go see a counselor (which is actually today). He says he wants out of his marriage and it almost sounds like going to counselling is a way of making it real, in order to finally take that "big step".

 

He's mentioned comments that his wife has made in the last 2-3 months and it seems like she's slowly putting all the pieces together. I told him that she's opening the door for him and that if this is what he wants (to leave her), that he needs to find the courage to step through that door.

 

He said he will let me know about his appointment after! Hopefully he opens up and actually talks about his feelings and what he wants. He's nervous about it. The feeling I get is that he knows what the counselor will tell him and that will be final...he will have to go through with it after. (but that doesn't mean that he will)

 

His mom's bday is coming up in September and he wants to wait until after. He says people he hasn't seen for 5 years will be there and he doesn't want family bugging him and coddling him. He wants to be left alone and not bothered by too many people after he does it - and I can understand that...I was the same when I left my H.

 

I feel like my state of mind has changed. I'm not depressed or anxious anymore....and not because I see hope! I think that I know that I'm going to be okay whichever way this goes - whatever happens, happens! But I do know that I'm not waiting much longer - I have a life to live and at one point, if he hasn't left her, he will never leave her! (maybe that point has been reached already, but it looks like there's some hope!)

 

What do you think?

[Dela]

hei Heart

 

counseling can take ages. plus, the counselor doesn t tell u what to do. he just guides u thru one direction that seems u are holding on to. he doesn t give u advice. he mostly listens and asks questions (good questions) that finally make u take the right decision (at least the first 5-10 sessions).

 

i m not trying to mske u feel bad, but it s not a short process. depends on the person. it would be great, if he s 100% that he wants a D, to get counseling on how to do it the right way.

 

i hope it will work out for u and u get to be one of the lucky ones.

 

hugs

[E-Heart]

hei Heart

 

counseling can take ages. plus, the counselor doesn t tell u what to do. he just guides u thru one direction that seems u are holding on to. he doesn t give u advice. he mostly listens and asks questions (good questions) that finally make u take the right decision (at least the first 5-10 sessions).

 

i m not trying to mske u feel bad, but it s not a short process. depends on the person. it would be great, if he s 100% that he wants a D, to get counseling on how to do it the right way.

 

i hope it will work out for u and u get to be one of the lucky ones.

 

hugs

 

Thanks Dela! I've done counseling before my D, and it only took 3 hours after my first session to take the big step! I know they don't give you an answer, but they reflect what you are telling them. I guess I will see with time what he "subconsciously" wants them to tell him. (Not sure if that makes sense)

 

I always think you go in there with an idea of what you want them to say, and what you tell them reflects that!

 

You're right, could be a long process, but hopefully not!

[Poppy47]

I would leave him alone to get on with it. Do not get your hopes up please.

Lots of MM go to counselling and end up back with their wives.

 

Detach yourself from it for the duration.

Poppy.

[E-Heart]

I would leave him alone to get on with it. Do not get your hopes up please.

Lots of MM go to counselling and end up back with their wives.

 

Detach yourself from it for the duration.

Poppy.

 

Thank you Poppy!

 

We are still in contact, but not like before! I have too many doubts in my mind now!

 

Letting him do his own thing and not pressuring him! Not expecting much from this counseling session!

[still_an_Angel]

I don't believe in waiting around for MM, we will both decide what we give to each other, its a 2-way street as with any relationship.

 

 

I think you're near or at this stage, you know you will move on if he doesn't finalize his D. And you will be okay.

[HappyAgain2014]

This is typical after a breakup. He's saying whatever he can to get the affair going again.

 

Note the...."I'm going to a counselor but I can't leave until my mom's birthday in September."

 

Then it will be something else.

 

He's managing you. How much can he tentatively commit to, with the caveat of an event in the future, that you will accept? That's what he's thinking.

 

Best advice is to tell him you'll consider seeing him after mom's birthday when he has divorce papers in his hands.

[Lurkeraspect]

This is typical after a breakup. He's saying whatever he can to get the affair going again.

 

Note the...."I'm going to a counselor but I can't leave until my mom's birthday in September."

 

Then it will be something else.

 

He's managing you. How much can he tentatively commit to, with the caveat of an event in the future, that you will accept? That's what he's thinking.

 

Best advice is to tell him you'll consider seeing him after mom's birthday when he has divorce papers in his hands.

 

This is so true!

 

I'm not an OW, but while my ex and I were discussing divorce, there were alway a mountain of dates and events that made divorce seem impossibe. We just got to a place where we agreed, and a date was set. Happy is right; you're being managed.

[E-Heart]

This is typical after a breakup. He's saying whatever he can to get the affair going again.

 

Note the...."I'm going to a counselor but I can't leave until my mom's birthday in September."

 

Then it will be something else.

 

He's managing you. How much can he tentatively commit to, with the caveat of an event in the future, that you will accept? That's what he's thinking.

 

Best advice is to tell him you'll consider seeing him after mom's birthday when he has divorce papers in his hands.

 

I know I'm being managed! It's always been like that: after my job thing, after this, after that, by the end of this year....etc. And now the birthday! I left my H at the worse possible time, but had made up my mind and wasn't going to wait anymore. I know they are excuses but something tells me that this is going to happen. Looks like the counselor asked him very good questions...like if he had to go back 10 years ago...who would he pick? Stuff like that. He says he knows what the answer is (me), he just needs help with how to move forward. (I know...excuses....seems simple to me...but I think women are different) Hopefully the counselor helps steer him in the direction he wants to go....if not, looks like he's going to have a boring and unhappy married life. (I know the W...they are not a good match...and I'm not the only to say that)

 

I'm not sure how I've become not depressed anymore, and not really anxious anymore. I think maybe I've to peace with that there's a chance that this won't happen...and according to this site....a very good chance!

[casey.lives]

A woman who wants the man for herself is not the person to seek advice from!!!!!

[OldRover]

I went NC a while ago, and only for three days until MM couldn't take it anymore. It pushed him to make an appointment to go see a counselor (which is actually today). He says he wants out of his marriage and it almost sounds like going to counselling is a way of making it real, in order to finally take that "big step".

 

He's mentioned comments that his wife has made in the last 2-3 months and it seems like she's slowly putting all the pieces together. I told him that she's opening the door for him and that if this is what he wants (to leave her), that he needs to find the courage to step through that door.

 

He said he will let me know about his appointment after! Hopefully he opens up and actually talks about his feelings and what he wants. He's nervous about it. The feeling I get is that he knows what the counselor will tell him and that will be final...he will have to go through with it after. (but that doesn't mean that he will)

 

His mom's bday is coming up in September and he wants to wait until after. He says people he hasn't seen for 5 years will be there and he doesn't want family bugging him and coddling him. He wants to be left alone and not bothered by too many people after he does it - and I can understand that...I was the same when I left my H.

 

I feel like my state of mind has changed. I'm not depressed or anxious anymore....and not because I see hope! I think that I know that I'm going to be okay whichever way this goes - whatever happens, happens! But I do know that I'm not waiting much longer - I have a life to live and at one point, if he hasn't left her, he will never leave her! (maybe that point has been reached already, but it looks like there's some hope!)

 

What do you think?

 

I could make an argument to work with it until Sept, but there's no reason that he can have the papers prepared and ready to go right after the mom leaves... that would show more of an intent.

 

You know there's risk until the papers are signed... and even afterward.